Christ Bearer Cut His Dick Off Because He Couldn’t See His Daughters

Last month, some of us hos who didn’t know who Christ Bearer was learned who Christ Bearer was when he fucked up his chances of ever getting grapefruited by cutting his peen off before jumping off of an apartment balcony in L.A. Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson) is all healed now and he tells TMZ why he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and his explanation makes about as much sense as cutting your dick off does. The only reasonable reason to take a butcher knife to your peen is if you just had bareback sex with Parasite Hilton. That’s not Christ Bearer’s reason.

Christ Bearer says that he was feeling extra low that night, because he couldn’t see his two daughters due to a restraining order that was placed against him by his estranged piece who’s also knocked up with his third kid. Christ Bearer says that he smoked some weed (and by “smoked some weed,” I’m guessing he means “smoked all the PCP“) and started reading about monks and vasectomies, which gave him ideas. Obviously, while reading about vasectomies, Christ Bearer didn’t read the definition of vasectomy, because he cut off his dick instead of cutting off his nuts. He didn’t say why he jumped off that balcony, but you know, jumping off of a balcony is kind of a natural reaction to realizing that you just cut off your dick.

The good news is that despite TMZ saying that doctors couldn’t re-attach his dick, Johnson’s got his johnson back. Plastic surgeon’s were able to sew his peen back on and yes, it hates him and will never forgive him for this, but it’s fully functional.

As for Christ Bearer’s mental state, he answered that question when TMZ asked him about his future with Wu-Tang and he said, “I am the fucking Wu Tang.” That answers that.

UPDATE: Christ Bearer And His Peen Are Forever Parted And Wu-Tang Denies He’s Affiliated With Them

The good news is that L.A.-based rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson), who cut off his dick before jumping off of a second story balcony, has been downgraded from critical condition to stable condition. The bad news is that doctors weren’t able to sew his peen back on John Wayne Bobbitt-style and his peen has been laid to rest in a peen coffin.

TMZ (of course) somehow found out that doctors at Cedars-Sinai were unable to re-attach Andre Johnson’s peen. Meanwhile, Wu-Tang Clan had to kick a dude while he’s down, out and mourning his peen. Yesterday, they threw up a note on Instagram and their blog (via The Village Voice) denying that Christ Bearer has ever been part of the Wu-Tang brand.

Parental Advisory : Don’t Believe The HYPE. This Mother Fucker Ain’t Got Shit to do with WUTANG ..~Mr .TANG Www.WuTangclan.com

Someone has since erased that note from Wu-Tang’s Instagram and their blog. Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar and they were discovered by RZA and he’s worked with the West Coast Killa Beez, so he IS affiliated with Wu-Tang. Who knows why they’ve cut him off and are pulling a Mimi by saying, “I don’t know him.”

And back to the peen coffin. I Googled “penis coffin” and this came up. Now I know what I want to be buried in.