Jesse James’ lawyer Mr. Yanny is still on top of the waaaahmbulance crying about how his client is going through a hard time.

Mr. Yanny tells the Associated Press (via HuffPo) that all the rumors surrounding Vanilla Gorilla’s affairs have left him broken. What I think Mr. Yanny really meant is that Vanilla Gorilla’s got a broken boner from pounding trick ho after trick ho. Here’s Mr. Yanny’s full statement:

“This whole thing has destroyed Jesse’s entire universe. Right now, he’s a broken man. The allegations (i.e. Like how he knocked up one of his side-pieces) back and forth about what happened – those are private matters to be resolved between a husband and a wife. It’s not appropriate for a public airing. It’s nothing but voyeurism at this point. Enough is enough. There are many more significant things in the world that people ought to be talking about and delving in to.

Jesse is in love with Sandra. The single most important thing to Mr. James and the children is that the marriage somehow survive.”

Poor VG. Try to squeeze out a fart of sympathy for him this weekend.

If you’re in the office today, there’s a good chance you’re the only ho there so you might as well light up whatever is in arm’s reach (i.e. Wite Out, leaves from a plastic ficus, a Sharpie tip, etc..) and watch this precious ass clip of two mice getting married by a singing pussy. It’s from something called Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s God’s Top 10, which uses singing animal puppets to show kids the meaning of each 10 Commandment. This is the one about marriage, obviously.

And I’m pretty sure that’s a dude mice dressed in bridal drag. I always knew Dr. Laura was a gay marriage champion. Happy Good Shit Friday!

via FourFour

When Jennifer Aniston was having trouble coming up with a name for her signature scent, some of you were kind enough to throw her a few ideas like “Pittiful Pleasures” and “J’Alone.” Can’t you just picture a dusty box of J’Alone sitting on a discount shelf at Ross next to the newborn baby section (Ross is evil). Picture perfect.

Unfortunately, Jennifer Aniston has gone in a different direction. A source tells Life & Style that Jennifer will call her perfume Lola V. Yes, LOLA V! Is that the formal name for LOLvag? Maybe it’s short for Lonely Vagina. Or maybe just maybe, Jennifer named her perfume after Gerard Butler’s cunty ass dog Lolita. If that’s the case, then I’m okay with the name. Anything named after a bitch who don’t play is fine by me.

Neal McDonough, the dude who played Edie’s psychotic murderer husband on Desperate Housewives, was recently replaced with David James Elliott just a few days into shooting the ABC show Scoundrels. No reason was given at the time, but Deadline Hollywood says that Neal was dumped by the network after he refused to bump protective crotch patches with his co-star Virginia Madsen.

A source says that Neal, who is married with chirruns, won’t do faux fuck times with anybody, because it conflicts with his strong Catholic beliefs. Another source tells Popeater, “It wasn’t just heated love scenes. He wouldn’t do any kissing whatsoever, even though those scenes were clearly in the scripts he read before taking the role.”

ABC knew where Neal’s line was since he also refused to do love scenes with Nicolette Sheridan in Desperate Housewives.

Neal is reportedly losing out on $1 million, which is what he would’ve been paid for his work on Scoundrels.

So this explains why Jesus Christ rudely ignored my DMs on Twitter by not gifting the world with a Dave Williams/Carlos Solis/Mike Delfino/Orson Hodge circle jerk scene on Desperate Housewives.

Noah Cyrus’ tutu and Amy Wino’s ballet slippers went limp last night when Suri Cruise hit the streets of NYC and showed them all up! You might be wondering why Suri carried an umbrella around since not one rain drop fell on the city last night. Suri uses the umbrella to block the glares from the H8rs around her. Don’t bother throwing shade at Suri, because she’s already got this. Redirect! Now on to Stepford Katie….

It’s sweet that Katie wants to feel closer to Tommy Girl by wearing one of the potato sacks he uses for his weekly nekkid boy sack races down in his Scientology dungeon, but looking like a walking version of the clearance section in a J. Jill catalog is not the look. Nor will it ever be.

Lindsay Lohan is quickly become a master at falling down! Lilo already received rave reviews for her graceful performance in The Cactuscracker, and last night she once again brought down the house by bringing herself down to the ground. Belissimo! Let’s all throw her a bouquet of 8-balls and opium!

And just like last time, Lilo blamed the paparazzi for throwing a banana peel on the ground. Or stuffing her nostrils with enough bad shit to make her knees go numb. Or something like that. Blah. Bler. From her Twatter:

@ElectraAvellan see how embaressing it is when paps push you into a fall w/FENDIS ON! Again to me? And NOW YOU?sober sally’s take a timber
about 6 hours ago via UberTwitter

Security @Voyeur nightclub in LA just set me up&paid off paparazzi to not let me in the back door and come to take photos of me in the back
about 6 hours ago via UberTwitter

Just one thing-i came to PICK UP MY FRIEND @electraavellan from the back and NOT even go into the club! Yet- I get sold out by guys that
about 6 hours ago via UberTwitter

By guys that I treat with respect and kindness…… They got paid off to let paparazzi make me look like I was distraught and a mess, when
about 6 hours ago via UberTwitter

I was just waiting for my friend at the back door…… Worse part is, my friends who run the club were a part of the set-up as well. Why?
about 6 hours ago via UberTwitter

Maybe I should change the title of this post to “Prima FAILerina.”

In other pipe residue news , TMZ is saying that Lilo is as broke as she looks. Apparently, Lilo has been climbing down the fire escape every time her landlord comes knocking on her door to collect rent (JUST LIKE US!). Lilo was in danger of being put out on the curb, because she was $23,000 behind in rent payments. Lilo recently paid the balance, so she won’t have to move into a bathroom stall at Les Deux yet. Meanwhile, White Oprah still has no idea what’s going on since it’s hard to notice the things around you when you’re staring straight into your own colon.