And Here’s The Actual First Plus-Size SI Swimsuit Model

Uh oh, that’s a plus-sized person? I’m secretly hoping she’s actually a 9-foot tall giant with a 58-inch waist, because I’m on my second Starbucks muffin and I’d really like to enjoy it without the overwhelming feeling of remorse my bloated bitch-ass stomach is pushing on me.

Yesterday we saw what the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue looked like (Illustrated being the key word, since it looked like someone drew Hannah Davis’ body in MS Paint) and we found out that they were making the suh brave decision to include an advertisement featuring a plus-size model. But as it turns out, the model in the ad isn’t technically first plus-size model in the issue. That honor goes to Australian plus-size model Robyn Lawley is. UsWeekly says Robyn is a 25-year-old “blogger-slash-painter-slash-author-slash-DJ” and is a size 10. She’s also currently very pregnant, so don’t expect to see her those busted snakeskin bikini bottoms any time soon.

Robyn is one of the SI swimsuit rookies this year, and she appears to be posing down at the ol’ watering hole. And here she is Photoshopped to look like she’s dry humping the bow of a canoe, because why not:

If she’s actually posing on that canoe and not green screened onto it, Andy Serkis-style, then she is legitimately the bravest model that ever lived. The canoe up at my cottage is always filled to the brim with thousands of dock spiders and I would be terrified that if I sat on the canoe like Robyn is, one would crawl into my cooch and lay eggs in it. “Yeah, we don’t have our babies in open sewer grates” hissed canoe spiders everywhere.