Connie Britton as the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick® in American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson!

When it was announced that Connie Britton was playing Faye Resnick, the biggest devil-hearted fame whore of the 90s who used her friend’s murder to get fame and money, I wondered if maybe a discarded Muppet puppet in a wig wasn’t available for the part. Because Connie Britton is as far from Faye Rensick as O.J. Simpson’s brain is from reality. Faye popped up in the first episode of American Crime Story and I didn’t see it then either. But last night’s episode focused a bit on Faye “writing” her first of two books about Nicole Brown Simpson and O.J. Simpson before the trial even started and Connie truly brought her coked-up shameless whoriness to life.

Only four months after the murders, Faye earned her title as the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick (copyright: Camille Grammer) when she released a book about Nicole Simpson that had ESCANDALOSO details about her dead friend’s life. On last night’s episode of American Crime Story, they showed Faye spilling bits of Nicole’s life to the two dudes who wrote the book, one of which was Mike Walker from The National Enquirer and was played by one of the Dead Gay Sons from Heathers. Faye tried to act like she was putting out the book to help victims of domestic abuse when everyone knew she was putting it out to help her checking account. Connie still doesn’t look anything like Faye, but she perfectly captured Faye’s coke-scratched voice and her sleepy eyes that say, “I’ve got a pharmacy in my purse!”

Here’s a clip (via E!) of Connie as Faye selling her best-selling book of trash to the 600-year-old lizard in suspenders Larry King (who played himself). The interview is nothing like the real interview Faye did with Larry, but Connie still nailed it. (UPDATE: The video is embedding all wonky, but if you want to see that one and another one of Connie as Faye, E! has them.)

Finally, the injection of CAMP I’ve been waiting for. Viva Connie Britton! (And now I really want to see her as Teresa Giudice in a no-budget Lifetime biopic.)

Pic: @justinkirkland4

Billy Zane (50)
O’Shea Jackson Jr. (26)
Trace Cyrus (27)
Lleyton Hewitt (35)
Floyd Mayweather, Jr. (39)
Chad Hugo (42)
Bonnie Somerville (42)
Todd Field (52)
Michelle Shocked (54)
Beth Broderick (57)
Paula Zahn (60)
Helen Shaver (65)
Debra Jo Rupp (65)
Edward James Olmos (69)
Rupert Holmes (69)
Barry Bostwick (71)
Paul Jones of Manfred Mann (74)
Dominic Chianese (85)
Emmanuelle Riva (89)

Pic: Pinterest

Janet Jackson will perform at a major sporting event for the first time since the world was SCANDALIZED by her nipple. Keep Justin Timberlake far, far away from that performance! – Lainey Gossip

Blind Item Time: A “secret” Oscar and Golden Globes-nominated movie and TV actress who has worked all over the world is writing a column for The Guardian about her experiences in Hollywood. So far she hasn’t written anything that scandalous and she’s not naming names. Boring! But for the sake of guessing, I’m going to ignore the “Oscar” part and guess Betty White. It’s always Betty White  – Celebitchy

Quick, Phaedra Parks, jump into the GOP presidential race and take Donald Trump down! – Reality Tea 

Naomi Watts is in a bikini and that’s great and everything, but where’s Liev Schreiber in a Speedo?! – Drunken Stepfather

Dakota Meyer IS the father of abstinence queen Bristol Palin’s latest baby – The Superficial  

Vh1 has saved America’s Next Top Model….. but Tyra Banks won’t be back as host – Jezebel

Charli XCX needs to dial back the 90s a whole lot – Hollywood Tuna 

“Kaley Cuoco leaving yoga” is the new “Hilary Duff walking to her car” – Popoholic

Justin Trudeau will be the first Prime Minister in the history of Canada to appear in a Pride Parade – Towleroad

The new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race hasn’t even started yet and this is already my favorite queen – OMG Blog

I bet Billy Ray Cyrus is behind Miley Cyrus getting a prenup, because he doesn’t want no Aussie screwing with his allowance and Taco Party Pack money – IDLYITW

What in 90s chat room commercial HELL is Brit Brit Spears doing? – SOW

Tara Reid + Andy Dick = Fuckery’s couple of the year! – Celebslam

Viola Davis and her husband renewed their vows – Popsugar

Kesha sent a thank you message to her fans – Just Jared

Phil Collins and his ex-wife are trying the marriage thing again. My question is, does she have to give the settlement money back? – HuffPo

Pic: Wenn.com

Last December, ABC loudly screamed, “We love shitting on your childhood,” when they announced that they were doing a 3-hour TV remake of Dirty Dancing starring Little Miss Sunshine (aka Abigail Breslin) as Baby. Debra Messing is also playing Baby’s mom. I was waiting for ABC to announce that they were just kidding, because yeah, they’re heartless television executives who only care about money and ratings, but they’re not THAT heartless. That hasn’t happened. They’re still going through with their Dirty Dancing remake. But well, if it turns out to be a cold, wet turd, at least we’ll have a hot piece of pure muscle to look at.

Entertainment Weekly says that Broadway actor, chonies model, dancer, singer, CrossFit disciple and P!nk’s co-star in her video for Try, Colt Prattes, has been cast in the Patrick Swayze role of Johnny Castle. Derek Hough is going to dramatically jazz walk into his agent’s office and give that incompetent bitch a piece of his mind for not getting him that role. via EW

In the three-hour musical airing on ABC, Prattes will portray Johnny, the dance instructor at the Catskill Mountains resort who teaches Baby — played by Abigail Breslin — to be his new partner. Debra Messing has also been cast to play Baby’s mother.

Judging by these pictures of Colt, this remake is going to be very different than the Dirty Dancing we know. Johnny is always going to be shirtless or in a tank top, because whenever he tries to wear a t-shirt, his bulging muscles rip off the sleeves. He can’t help it! Baby is also going to be a shit dancer, because Johnny never has time to rehearse with her since he’s always at CrossFit class. And they’re going to have to re-work the “Nobody puts Baby in the corner” scene. In the TV remake, Johnny will say, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner, cause that’s where I keep my free weights, brah.”

And here’s a few pictures of the TV Johnny Castle working those rock hard cum gutters and that thigh tattoo.

Pics: Instagram, DNA

The NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Daytona 500, Central East Florida’s second-classiest annual event (the first being Daytona Beach Bike Week, obviously), happened this weekend. Thanks to Page Six, I learned that there’s always a grand marshal at the Daytona 500. I’m sure they would have loved to get someone who truly embodies the spirit of Daytona Beach, but sadly The Gronk was out of town. Instead, they got Gerard Butler. And shock of all shocks, one of the first things Grand Marshal Butler did was hit on someone.

A source tells Page Six that Horny Gerry was seen working his sexy Scottish game on 22-year-old model Charlotte McKinney (on the left). If that name isn’t ringing a bell, you might know her as Michael calls her: the big-tittied blond model who isn’t Kate Upton. Now, as of December, Charlotte was dating Stephen Dorff. But that didn’t stop Gerard from trying to get her number. Gerard’s boner knows no loyalty!

No word on whether or not he got her number. Since it’s Gerard Butler we’re talking about, it’s safe to assume he probably ended up passed out ass-naked in his hotel room next to someone.

However, that picture of Charlotte in her extremely tasteful white formal romper (too tasteful for a NASCAR event if you ask me) sitting with John Cena and Gerard gives us all the clues we need. The answer to the question “Did Gerard get her number?” is…of course he didn’t! And it’s pretty obvious why. If you’re going to scribble your digits on anyone’s palm, it’s going to belong to that dreamy jorts-wearing bundle of muscles John Cena.

Pic: Getty

The last time I had Burger King, it ended with the plumber declaring my toilet dead before taking it out on a stretcher. So I don’t really mess with Burger King anymore, but I am all for this commercial masquerading as a training video of the legendary Charo teaching employees how to make their new grilled salchicha.

Burger King is trying to act like this training video, and the one starring Snoop Dogg, were used for internal purposes only, but they decided to release them to the public due to popular demand. Burger King has regularly pulled at our bowels, but now they’re pulling our dicks. This is obviously a commercial and the whole “training video” thing is their gimmick for this campaign. You don’t spends tens of millions of dollars  (I’m grossly underestimating) on hiring Charo for a video that you only plan to use in-house. Charo is a sequined sparkler that must be shared with the world at large! Note: Don’t ask me what’s going on in this video, because I don’t know either. Just take in the brilliance of it all.

I also don’t know what “I got bumps all over my goose” means. But I’m going to take a wild guess and say that eating Burger King’s grilled hot dog has made Charo’s culo culo twitch in a major way. And I really hate Burger King now, because they’ve caused me to talk about Charo’s bowel movements.

via @CharoCuchiCuchi