Janet Has Obviously Been Talking To Detective La Toya

During a cold night recently, Detective La Toya made Janet Jackson a Hot Toddy, sat her down in a leather armchair in front of a roaring fire, and told her that she conducted a thorough investigation on their brother’s death, which revealed that he was killed by the hands of Dr. Conrad Murray! A wolf howled, a bolt of lightning struck the night and the truth came crashing down on Janet. In that moment, Janet not only realized that La Toya is the second coming of Sherlock Holmes, but suddenly everything made sense.

In an interview with ABC News, Janet echoes La Toya’s statement that Dr. Con killed their brother, “He was the one who was administering. I think he should be responsible.” Janet believes that he should never be able to practice medicine again.

Dr. Con has admitted to administering the anesthetic propofol, but he seems to think that he didn’t kill Michael.

Dr. Con just needs to give it up already. You can run, you can hide, but you can’t escape Detective La Toya!

Nice Try, Joe

Finally somebody has told Joe “Bitch Better Have My Money” Jackson to go play with a metal fork and a wall socket in the corner. TMZ reports that a Los Angeles judge has told Joe that he needs to get back out on the streets with the other pimps, because Michael Jackson’s estate will not deposit an allowance into his checking account every month.

Last week, Joe filed papers requesting a piece of Michael Jackson’s estate. Joe whined about how his expenses are more than $15,000 a month and Michael used to help him out when he was alive. Well, the judge threw that shit out in the back and told Joe he has no legal right to that cash.

Don’t you shed a tear for Joe, I’m sure he’ll find a way to keep his pockets full of dollars. Maybe the Haunted House at Disneyland will hire him to scare the dick off of bitches. Who needs an animatronic devil when you’ve got Joe Jackson? Satan would hire Joe to do some of his dirty work here on earth, but even he’s afraid of his ass! Joe has got Satan running off in fear.

Joe Jackson Wants A Piece

Well, Joe Jackson has done what we’ve all been waiting for him to do. He has opened up Michael Jackson’s coffin and is searching it for loose change. TMZ reports that Pimp Daddy Joe has filed papers in L.A. asking for a piece of his son’s estate even though he was left out of the will. Joe Jackson would make you take your orgasm back if you busted a nut before he did, so this bit of news is the opposite of shocking.

In the papers, Joe claims that Michael’s estate has racked in over $100 million in the past 7 weeks, so it could afford to keep his pimp hand moisturized. Shameless Joe also says that Michael used to give Katherine $60,000 a month, and told her to give half to him. Joe listed all of his expenses which total over $15,000:

$2,500 for eating out
$2,000 for flying in airplanes
$3,000 for hotel rooms to take his Craigslist hos back to
$1,000 for grocery
$1,200 for rent
$50 for charity

Basically, all of Joe’s money problems could be solved if he only ordered from the dollar menu at McDonald’s, took his hos to a rest stop bathroom instead of a hotel room, only traveled on the Chinatown Bus and slept on the branch of a tree with the other vultures.

With Michael Lohan quickly becoming the world’s most terrible parent, Joe Jackson had to do something drastic to keep a hold of his title. So there you go. His title is safe for now.

Joe Jackson Is Always Thinking About Those Dollars

Here’s Joe Jackson practicing his money counting skills, because he’s going to be doing a lot of that once the giant bags of cash start rolling in. In an interview with Extra, loving father Joe Jackson said that his son is worth more money dead than he is alive. Doesn’t that just make you want to punch yourself in the throat to keep from heaving?

When Joe realized that his constant inner monologue jumped out of his mouth, he tried to save it by saying he’d rather his son was alive. When talking about the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It, Joe queefed, “He’s worth more dead than when he was alive. I’d rather have him alive. When he was living, they didn’t show this.”

Joe went on to say that whenever he hears a Michael Jackson song he starts to get a little teary-eyed, but no one will ever see him cry, “When I’m off to myself and I start thinking about things that we went through.”

OH JOE! Keep that pimp game up. We all know Joe gets weepy, because the sound of the cash register in his head is just so moving and beautiful. And Joe doesn’t ever have to worry about anyone seeing him cry. It’s physically impossible for the tears to come out of his eye holes since gigantic dollar signs are always in the way.

Waiting For La Toya

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin’ out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman’s (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would’ve never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I’m sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn’t there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I’m looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

No Scandal Here (Maybe)

This is why Randy Jackson should leave the detective work to La Toya. Yesterday, it was reported that Randy was going around claiming that Michael Jackson couldn’t possibly sign his will in 2002, because he was in NYC at the time. The document states it was signed in Los Angeles. Forgery fuckery!

According to Michael’s estate lawyer the will was signed in NYC, but one of the witnesses must have been drunk that day, because they accidentally wrote Los Angeles instead of New York. TMZ confirms that MJ took a pen to the document in NYC. And if for some reason, the will is thrown out for being a fraud, MJ’s will form 1997 will take its place. The 1997 will is pretty much a copy of the 2002 will. So that’s that! However……Detective La Toya still believes that the signature is fake.

Yesterday one of the paps asked her if someone forged Michael’s signature on his will, and she responded with, “It’s not real. I could have told you that two months ago.“ And the plot thins! Detective La Toya is still on the case and as soon as she gets the forgery kit she ordered in the mail, she will uncover the TRUTH! Hold your breath.

And here’s some pictures of La Toya leaving the Ed Hardy store yesterday. Don’t worry, La Toya isn’t sleeping with the enemy. I’m sure she’s on a top-secret undercover investigation. Or something.