Billy Bob Still Checks In On Angelia Jolie

Ah, the halcyon days of the Billy Bob dragon tattoo, how I miss thee. Sometimes I like to imagine, Sliding Doors-style, what it would have been like if Angelina Jolie had stayed with living cadaver Billy Bob Thornton. But then I stop the second I get to the part where a grimy, unsettling sex tape of the two is released, because my stomach isn’t strong enough to handle the mental image of Billy Bob’s emaciated weasel O-face as Angelina slithers around on top of him. What’s it called when you shudder and dry heave at the same time? Whatever it’s called, I just did that hard enough to throw my back out.

But Billy Bob doesn’t have to imagine what it would be like if Angelia was still in his life, because UsWeekly says that Billy Bob talks to his ex-wife all the time. In an interview with relationship site YourTango (which sounds like Grindr for ballroom dancers) when asked whether he still keeps in touch with Our Most Merciful St. Angie, he says:

“Oh of course, yeah. She’s amazing, amazing. She’s got so much energy and so much goodness in her, and we check in on each other all the time. She makes sure I’m doing okay. I make sure she’s doing okay.”

I would love to listen in on one of those conversations. I bet it’s just a prerecorded message of Zahara Jolie-Pitt saying: “Hello, Angelina can’t come to the phone right now because she’s busy with teaching a class in Heaven on Sainthood, but she’s still amazing and filled to full capacity with goodness. Please leave a message after the beep.”

Actually, he probably checks in with Angie the same way most exes do: by texting you at 2am on a Saturday asking “hey girl” followed by “u horny?” followed by a blurry dick pic.