Rebecca Black Is Getting Death Threats

One could blame Rebecca Black for finally killing auto-tune by strangling it with her bare vocal cords and for turning Friday into a sad face, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for hos to fill her voicemail box with death threats, but that’s what somebody is doing. USA Today says that Anaheim police are investigating two separate death threats against Rebecca. One threat came from a phone call and the other landed in her e-mail inbox. Kevin Costner, get down to Orange County, grab Rebecca and keep her safe inside of your pappy’s lakeside cabin (DON’T BRING HER SISTER).

Rick Martinez, the rep for Anaheim police, said, “In essence, the threats were related to getting the music off the Internet or they were going to kill her.”

Some say that you truly haven’t made it until you’ve gotten a death threat, but “dislike” any random kitten video on YouTube and you’ll find an e-mail with a skull on it in your inbox.

I’m sure if the police backtraced the e-mail, they will not only find that consequences will never be the same, but they will also find a bedazzled pink laptop with a denim cozy over it (I’m looking at you, Jenna Rose).

By the way, every time “Friday” passed through my ears I took that as a direct death threat.

(Image via PopDirt)

And Here’s Helen Mirren Saying “Shit” On British TV

It’s not a cunt bomb, it’s not even a lukewarm fuck bomb, but I’ll still file it away as win for our cause! The best part is when Helen Mirren tries to stuff the “shit” back into her mouth before anyone realizes that she let it out in the first place. (<— That didn’t come out right. <—– That didn’t come out right either.)

Here’s Helen looking more glamorous than a Jackie Collins book cover at the UK premiere of Arthur yesterday with Russell Brand and Katy Perry. Yes, Helen will kiss your man on the lips in front of your face and she won’t even lose a wink of beauty sleep over it. My idol.

H-I-M Wrote Lady Gaga’s “Judas”

If anybody has God’s PayPal information, please forward it to Lady Gaga, because she’s going to need to give him a hefty cut of the sales of her new single “Judas” since he’s basically the one who wrote the lyrics and melody. Yes, God wrote a song about being in love with Judas. The breakfast nook up in heaven is going to be a cavalcade of side-eyes, hurt feelings and “Pass the me juice…how dare yous” mumbled under hot breaths. Don’t worry, Robert Altman is filming the family drama for you and you’ll find the footage in your DVR when you get up there.

During Klingon Madonna’s verbal breakdown in front of NME, she not only said that she’s made of original and organic materials, but she also knocked the Prada nipple clamps off the Pope’s body by saying that God himself telepathically sent her the lyrics to Judas. Before Judas was released, NME (via ONTD) asked her how she thinks people will receive it since everybody with working ears called “Born This Way” a Xerox copy of “Express Yourself.”

“I just have to say (Starts crying)….I feel like honestly that God sent me those lyrics and that melody. When you feel a message to give to the world and people are shooting arrows through it…there’s no way for something that pure to be wrong. (Reaches for Marilyn Monroe lighter) I need a cigarette.”

And on to say those “Express Yourself” comparisons….

“No. Listen to me. Why the fuck…? I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded. What a completely ridiculous thing to even question me about. I will look you in the eyes and tell you that I am not dumb enough or moronic enough to think that you are dumb or moronic enough not to see that I would have stolen a melody. If you put the songs next to each other, side by side, the only similarities are the chord progression. It’s the same one that’s been in disco music for the last 50 years. Just because I’m the first fucking artist in 25 years to think of putting it on Top 40 radio, it doesn’t mean I’m a plagiarist. It means I’m fucking smart. Sorry.

(Starting to well up) I just don’t want my fans – I don’t know. This is exhausting. I just don’t want to perpetuate that shit. I’m sure you want to address, but it’s so ridiculous. I was fucking shell-shocked by it. It’s so funny to hear you say, ‘It must have been an homage,’ I’m like, NO. When I homage, I fucking homage with a big fucking sign saying I’ve done it. Why would I not do that now? I need a fucking drink. (Sighs). “

This is the part where I’m supposed to write a 1,000-word rant about how Caca needs to stop fucking ideas out of Madonna’s catalog, but it’s all been said before. Instead, I’m just going to grab that Marilyn Monroe lighter before she gets to it and smoke a joint on this 420 while the special needs groups attack her with bornthisway hashtags for that “retarded” comment.

CZJ Talks About Her Bipolar Disorder

Catherine Zeta-Jones recently admitted that she sat still in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, because she was on the verge of recreating Michael Douglas’ performance in Falling Down. It was then that CZJ’s rep said that she suffers from bipolar II disorder and supporting her husband through his cancer treatment made her emotions splinter a bit. CZJ is out of the hospital and speaking to People about how she hopes she can inspire others to seek help.

“This is a disorder that affects millions of people and I am one of them. If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help.”

Did you know there’s a Wikipedia page that lists all of the famous people with bipolar disorder and bipolar: the sequel? Jane Pauley?! Cheri Oteri?! Ruby Wax?! Linda Hamilton?! My first thought about this was that CZJ is obviously in good company, but that seems like some inappropriate shit only a clueless asshole would say (which is why I’m basically saying). Besides, it’s not really true since Mel Gibson is on the list too.

CZJ is doing a good thing by talking about her bipolar disorder out in the open like this. However, People is not doing a good thing by forcing her face into a battle against an army of Photoshop tools.

P.S. – The quadruple shot of eyebrow game on this cover gets an A++++.

We’re Going To Need 5 More Place Settings At The Christmas Table

RiRi’s father Ronald Fenty, who always looks like he’s inhaling ass, has never been shy about spilling his family’s personal shit to the tabloids for a quick cashiers check, so it’s no surprise that he’s telling The Sun his daughter has 5 relatives she didn’t know about until she was 15. Hopefully, one of those relatives will be the one to tell her that her Dollar Menu weave belongs in the McDonaldland landfill.

Ronald tells The Sun that before he started a 14-year-long marriage with RiRi’s mother, he really let his whore out by fathering 3 kids with 3 different women. RiRi has a 32-year-old half sister named Kandy, a 30-year-old half sister named Samantha and a 27-year-old half brother named Jamie. Kandy also has two daughters. Ronald says he found out about his trio of secret love children right before RiRi became a superstar goat yodeler. Ronald says, “I guess you could say I was shocked. But I was a bit on the wild side and something of a ladies’ man back in my early days. Once Kandy told me who her mother was and explained what had happened, I said, ‘Well, OK, welcome to my family’.”

Kandy has since spent a little time with RiRi, but mostly follows her the same way everybody else does, “I’m not jealous of the fame or fortune – I live a simple life out in the country but I’m very happy with what I have. I don’t think we have very much in common but we do have the same large forehead.”

Just a family of foreheads, those Fentys! The next time they get together for a backyard barbecue and bow their heads to say grace, the entire island of Barbados will go dark and everyone will have to set their clocks forward an hour.

But really, who doesn’t have half-siblings? WE ALL DO! I remember the first time I found out there were other mismatched members of the tribe my father created with his sperm. I was going through a family album with my mom and came across a picture of a little Asian girl in a white dress. I asked my mother, “Harpo, who dis woman?” My mother didn’t miss a beat, “Oh, that’s your older half-sister. You have a half-brother too. He’s 8 months older than you. There might be others.” LIKE NOTHING! My mom nearly turned inside/out when she gave me the sex talk yet the half-sibling bomb rolled off of her tongue like a second breath. It didn’t really shock me either, though. I didn’t have one of those ESCANDALO soap opera moments where the camera stayed on my frozen emotion-filled face before cutting to commercial. I made an internal shrug, because deep down I’ve always known that my father was a round-the-way bareback whore. The Japanese Lil Wayne, if you will.

Every now and again, my sister will ask me if I want to get the tribe together. To which I let out a giant….NOOOOOOO. Yes, my half-siblings could be perfectly lovely people who bring the most delicious bacon and potato casseroles to Easter dinner. Then again, one of them could also be a crackhead with a gambling problem. Do I really need one of my half-siblings calling me up at 4am from a 7-Eleven payphone begging me to Western Union them $100 to pay their “electricity bill.” Yeah, no. I already get that from bill collectors. I don’t need it from my relatives. Relative diving is not for me.

I’ll see my tribe on the other side. Unless, telephones and gambling junkies exist on the other side. If that’s the case, I’ll see them on the other OTHER other side, etc…

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 19th!

For one night only, behind the dumpster at Picadilly Cafeteria, Branson’s fifth most popular Hannah Montana tribute band, Chucky Kentucky!!! – zachhcaz

Runners-up:

You know Prince sold out when he designed his own Target line. – deadflowers

ABBA – the Minnesota years. – justincase

HeeHawmony: the South’s #1 online dating website. – Sluttsville

via Poorly Dressed