H-I-M Wrote Lady Gaga’s “Judas”

April 20, 2011 / Posted by:

If anybody has God’s PayPal information, please forward it to Lady Gaga, because she’s going to need to give him a hefty cut of the sales of her new single “Judas” since he’s basically the one who wrote the lyrics and melody. Yes, God wrote a song about being in love with Judas. The breakfast nook up in heaven is going to be a cavalcade of side-eyes, hurt feelings and “Pass the me juice…how dare yous” mumbled under hot breaths. Don’t worry, Robert Altman is filming the family drama for you and you’ll find the footage in your DVR when you get up there.

During Klingon Madonna’s verbal breakdown in front of NME, she not only said that she’s made of original and organic materials, but she also knocked the Prada nipple clamps off the Pope’s body by saying that God himself telepathically sent her the lyrics to Judas. Before Judas was released, NME (via ONTD) asked her how she thinks people will receive it since everybody with working ears called “Born This Way” a Xerox copy of “Express Yourself.”

“I just have to say (Starts crying)….I feel like honestly that God sent me those lyrics and that melody. When you feel a message to give to the world and people are shooting arrows through it…there’s no way for something that pure to be wrong. (Reaches for Marilyn Monroe lighter) I need a cigarette.”

And on to say those “Express Yourself” comparisons….

“No. Listen to me. Why the fuck…? I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody? That’s retarded. What a completely ridiculous thing to even question me about. I will look you in the eyes and tell you that I am not dumb enough or moronic enough to think that you are dumb or moronic enough not to see that I would have stolen a melody. If you put the songs next to each other, side by side, the only similarities are the chord progression. It’s the same one that’s been in disco music for the last 50 years. Just because I’m the first fucking artist in 25 years to think of putting it on Top 40 radio, it doesn’t mean I’m a plagiarist. It means I’m fucking smart. Sorry.

(Starting to well up) I just don’t want my fans – I don’t know. This is exhausting. I just don’t want to perpetuate that shit. I’m sure you want to address, but it’s so ridiculous. I was fucking shell-shocked by it. It’s so funny to hear you say, ‘It must have been an homage,’ I’m like, NO. When I homage, I fucking homage with a big fucking sign saying I’ve done it. Why would I not do that now? I need a fucking drink. (Sighs). “

This is the part where I’m supposed to write a 1,000-word rant about how Caca needs to stop fucking ideas out of Madonna’s catalog, but it’s all been said before. Instead, I’m just going to grab that Marilyn Monroe lighter before she gets to it and smoke a joint on this 420 while the special needs groups attack her with bornthisway hashtags for that “retarded” comment.

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