Megan Fox’s Vagina Is Powerful

“Women always have a strike up on men. We’ve always got our bodies (if you keep it in shape) and we’ve always got the check to cash.” – A New Jersey flower from the documentary Wildwood, NJ

Philosopher and feminist hero Megan Fox completely agrees with this statement. In the new issue of Cosmo, Professor Whoreface says, “Women hold the power, because we have the vaginas. If you’re in a heterosexual relationship and you’re a female, you win.”

You got that, ladies? If your dude is ever giving you lip, just pull down your pants, rip off your panties, spread them legs and show your vagina. BOOM! Game over. You wear the vagina in the relationship, so you WIN. VAGINA POWER!

All of the world’s big debates should be solved with just a flash of the puss!

And in case you’re hongray for more of Megan’s drops of wisdom (make sure to take penicillin after), here’s three that’ll make you barf up LOLs:

Megan on commitment: “I have no problem with commitment — you can’t have a real relationship without it. I can flip on a switch in my brain, and even if the next Brad Pitt is standing next to me, I won’t look at him. But I can also turn that switch off, and then I collect attractive boys.”

Megan on boys: “I never call them guys. I always called them boys. Maybe it’s a superiority complex — my needing to keep them down.”

Megan on being hit on by famous dudes: “It’s fun when someone intends to put you in his back pocket, but instead, he walks away wounded. I make it a mind game, so they don’t know if I’m hitting on them or mocking them. Male actors drop lines about their private jets, trying to seem powerful, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t need someone else’s power. I’m obtaining my own.”

VIA MTV

Open Post: Hosted By The Magic Broom

This is an entire segment from a local news station in Alabama devoted solely to a magic broom that can stand upright by itself for hours at a time. Actually, that’s kind of impressive since Lindsay Lohan can’t even do that.

Christy Burdett, the owner of a soon-to-be opened vintage store in Prattville, says she had to pinch her ass lips when she first saw the broom standing by itself in the middle of the room. When someone pushed it a gently, the broom bent a little and then stood right back up. And this is where it gets really crazy! When another person knocked the broom to the floor, they were able to make it stand again by placing it in its special spot. MIND BOGGLING CRAZY! If Christy tells us the broom can push dirt into a pile too, I will lose my mind! And then I will sell everything I own, move to Prattville and devote my entire life to worshiping that magic broom!

When news of the magic broom swept (GONG!) through Prattville, bitches came in droves to witness its supernatural powers. When Christy’s store opens, she plans to make the magic broom the star attraction, because she thinks it’s good for business.

Christy should do more than that. She should move to Las Vegas and produce a magic show starring that broom. I mean, if Criss Angel can do it…..

VIA Videogum

Believe It, Asshole!

Chris Brown is pulling the “Iz Had Amnezah” card by saying he doesn’t remember Ike Turnering Alien Princess RiRi.

In an interview with Larry King which airs on Wednesday night, Chris Brown said that when he read about the details of that night, he couldn’t believe it, “I just look at it like, wow. I’m in shock, because that’s not who I am as a person…I don’t know what to think. It’s just like, wow. When I look at it now, it’s just like, wow, like, I can’t — I can’t believe that — that actually happened.”

WOW. Chris Brown needs to like, wow, take that stupid ass bow tie and shove it down his throat. It’s like, wow. WOW.

Notice how he says “I can’t believe that happened,” instead of saying “I can’t believe I did that.” Ugh. How hard is it just to admit you’re a dick, say you’re sowwy and then lock yourself in a room with a therapist for a few months? Chris needs new people!

When Larry asked Chris if he still loves RiRi, he said, “I never fell out of love with her. That just wouldn’t go away.”

Chris should just let See ‘N Say do all the talking for him from now on, because he’s not doing himself any favors by opening up his mouth.

Not Olive Oyl!!

Shelley Duvall hasn’t made a movie since 2002 and the neighbors in her town say it’s because she’s too busy trying to keep the aliens from taking over her body. L. Ron Hubbard just jizzed in his chonies. So did Fox Mulder.

One neighbor of Shelley’s in Blanco, Texas told The Globe (via CM) that she has been seen patrolling her backyard late at night, because she really believes her home is a portal for aliens. Another neighbor said that Shelley thinks she can communicate with aliens by flashing her car’s headlights. The owner of a local hardware store also co-signed Shelley’s obsession with aliens, “She mutters to herself and talks about aliens living in her body. One time she came in and asked for dirt and boards to block up a hole in her backyard because, she said, ‘That’s a portal into another dimension. That’s where the aliens are coming in.’”

You know, watching The Shining effs with my brains a bit, so I can’t even imagine how it fucked with Shelley. That being said, the whores of Blanco need to stop blabbing about Shelley’s boner for alien shit. Seriously, if Tommy Girl hears about this, he’s going to FedEx Stepford Katie back to Dawson’s Creek, head to Blanco and make Shelley Duvall his next beard! We can’t let that happen to Olive Oyl!

Kerry Katona Has Been Blacklisted

Friends of Kerry Katona say she’s jobless, broke and still majorly hongray for the bad shit. They also said that Kerry is having a hard time getting her hands on the Lohan powder, because she owes several dealers a lot of money. Instead of breaking her knee caps or ripping her safe out of the wall, Kerry’s dealers have decided to stop serving her. They are no longer returning her calls. Shit just got serious.

One dealer told the Daily Star, “She was such a good customer that she got things on tick. But most of the dealers have turned their backs on her. Some have changed their numbers so she can’t ring. She’s so skint that she still owes some of them money. Nobody is looking for the money back though, they realize her problems are bigger than theirs.”

When even your dealer feels sorry in the heart for you, it’s probably time to put yourself in the tank, close the lid and never come out until you’re no longer getting the shakes when you watch Scarface. And Kerry’s family better clear the house of all products with any kind of chemical in it, because you know that bitch is going to start smoking Drano and sticking NyQuil tampons up her cooze.

Macaulay Culkin IS The Father!

Here’s your daily dose of Michael Jackson fanfiction courtesy of The Sun! They have it on good authority (aka the visions they saw after dropping acid while watching The Good Son) that Macaulay Culkin is Blanket Jackson’s biological father. Even Claire Cruise has filed this under CRAAAAZY TALK.

A source said that 29-year-old Macaulay donated sperm which was used to create 7-year-old Blanket. The source went on to fart, “This isn’t just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he’s Blanket’s father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him – that’s why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing.”

Macaulay, who is godfather to two of Michael’s children, has yet to comment on death of Michael Jackson. And of course, he wouldn’t comment on this mess. Maybe he used it to wipe his ass after a serious bowel movement, but he didn’t issue any statements about it.

I should’ve seen the Macaulay rumors from a million miles away. Expect to see this headline in the next edition of Weekly World News: EXCLUSIVE! Linus van Pelt is Blanket’s true biological father! Actually, I’d believe that one.