28-year-old Colton Haynes, who came out out last year, has been dating 46-year-old floral artiste Jeff Leatham for a total of three seconds. Or maybe it’s been two or three months. I haven’t totally kept track of the goings on of Colton Haynes’ newly-ish out peen. Colton and Jeff haven’t been together that long, but I guess they’ve already been struck with stage 10 dickmatization and their hearts can’t stop barfing out love for each other, because they got engaged. And Colton’s flower daddy did it up. Jeff proposed to Colton with help from flowers, candles, an opulent Mexican resort, a fireworks show and CHER! The only way Jeff’s proposal could’ve been more glamorously gay is if a hologram Liberace serenaded them on a tiny gold piano while sliding down a rainbow as a bevy of swans in gold crowns presented Colton with his engagement ring.
For the past two years, Natalie Portman has lived in Paris with her French husband and her half-French kid. Natalie is a not-so-secret snooty person, so of course she loved talking about how chic and sophistiqué her new home was compared to that cheez-gobbling slob America. Especially when it comes to clothing. Natalie seems to really like getting out her extendible gold-plated pointer and showing the class (us uncultured yokels) the difference between American and French fashion. For example, thanks to Natalie, I learned that people in Paris would never be caught dead wearing shorts. It sounded like there were so many rules. Natalie won’t be getting that French superiority high anymore, because she recently moved back to Los Angeles.
Tales Of Celebrity Sadness: Matt Damon’s Kids Were Denied Admission To A Fancy Private School In Brooklyn
Based on my very limited knowledge of dealing with famous people, I have always thought that the first rule of dealing with a famous person was that you never say no. Never! You just don’t do it. If a famous person asks “Can I have a water?“, you give them one. If they ask “Can I have a kidney?“, you give them one. But Matt Damon recently proved that there are some things that even Matt Damon can’t get just because he’s Matt “Oscar-Winner” Damon.
While working a freshly shined Corinthian leather tan that can only be achieved when your suntan assistant uses a bamboo spatula to gently smear organic coconut oil on your body right before the sun star crosses the meridian, Goopy Paltrow did an interview type thing at the BlogHer15 conference (via The Independent) in NYC on Friday. Goopy mostly talked about the greatest comedy site on the Internet, GOOP, but since GOOP talk makes most people bust into a 4 step yawn, she also gooped at the mouth about how things are going with her first ex-husband Chris Martin.
“Thanks for taking the heat off me for a day or two! I owe you one!” hollered Conrad Hilton to his sister right before she walked down the aisle.
Earlier today, the child of Rick and Kathy Hilton who makes them question their poor parenting choices the least, Nicky Hilton, got married for the second time. UsWeekly says Nicky made it legal with a rich British guy named James Rothschild in a big fat fancy wedding. For real, it was Royal Family fancy. Nicky and James got married at the Orangery in Kensington Palace. Kensington Palace is where Prince William and Duchess Kate live.
Nicky’s fancy rich person wedding wasn’t limited to saying “I do” in front of Prince George’s bedroom window. According to The Daily Mail, Nicky’s dress was a custom-made Valentino gown that cost £50,000 (approx. $77,554 in US monies). That’s a lot of money to look like Grace Kelly meets Lorelei Lee meets reformed rich brat. I know she was going for sophisticated and classy, but part of me secretly hopes her ‘something old’ was a Chick by Nicky Hilton bowling purse.
Of course, Nicky’s older sister and the reason why any of us know who Nicky Hilton is in the first place, Paris Hilton, was a bridesmaid. And she looked totally thrilled!
Poor Paris. Not the center of attention. I’m kidding – I’m sure Paris is happy it’s Nicky getting hitched and not her. Paris has at least two to three dozen more under-30 models to bang before she even considers getting hitched.
Here’s more of Nicky looking like she should be shrunk down and placed on the top of a cake shortly before her wedding to James Rothschild. As well as more pictures of Paris and Mama Kathy Hilton who looks like Sherri Ann Cabot on Rhapsody in White’s wedding day.
Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:
“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”
And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.
Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.