Contrary To What Her Estranged Half-Brother Said, Meghan Markle Does Help Her Dad Out With Bills, Apparently
This is brain-melting crazy, but it’s looking like Meghan Markle’s estranged half-brother (Side note: Meghan Markle’s Estranged Half-Brother is a great band name if you’re looking for one.) wasn’t totally burping up facts onto his handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly. Meghan’s EHB Thomas Markle Jr. claimed that she left their dad in debt and didn’t invite him to her wedding. But Meghan’s dad Thomas Markle is going to the wedding and is walking her down the aisle. And a source (probably shameless Meghan Markle using a burner phone she made a Corgi fetch her on the down-low) tells People that she does help pay her dad’s bills.
When Tilda Swinton, the alien refugee who came to this planet on a falling star, was cast as The Ancient One in the Doctor Strange movie starring The Alien Lizard King, many threw balls of shit-filled rage at the filmmakers for whitewashing a Tibetan character. The Ancient One is a Tibetan man in the comic books. I don’t think people thought that Tilda was going to pull some Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s fuckery by playing The Ancient One as a Tibetan man. People were pissed because there’s not many roles for Asians in big-budget Hollywood movies and felt like they should’ve cast an Asian actor instead of a white actress who has no problem getting roles. But everyone can put down their pitchforks, because Tilda Swinton has broken it down for us and cleared everything up.
Jennifer Lawrence wrote an essay about dudes getting paid more than chicks in Hollywood. Patricia Arquette used her time on the Oscar stage to fight pay inequality. Sharon Stone said that after Basic Instinct, nobody wanted to pay her to work. And one of my favorite British blossoms Sienna Miller said she farted on an offer to do a Broadway play after finding out she was going to get a paid a lot less than her male co-star. But well, you won’t ever find Kate Winslet Norma Rae-ing for the wage gap movement, because she thinks publicly talking about that sort of thing is trashy.
After I shat up my last post about BerJohnny, a few of you threw me a link to something very important I missed: a video of Amber Heard giving her mother a quick tip to use when dealing with the media. Amber brought her mom to last night’s TIFF premiere of her husband’s movie Black Mass. While waiting for her daughter to finish giving FACE! FACE! FACE! to the photographers, Amber’s mom told a camera dude from KIIS 92.5 who she is. Amber’s mom and the camera dude didn’t get to talk for very long, because Amber swooped in and told her mom the same thing my friend told me when I was 18 and he took me to a gay porn theater: NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!
I’m not sure why Amber told her mom not to meet eyes with the camera dudes at movie premieres? Maybe Amber never makes eye contact with them, because she’s afraid that they’ll try to eat her soul and then they’ll figure out that she doesn’t have one! Whatever the case may be, Amber shouldn’t snap at her mom in public, because then her mom is totally not going to visit her when she’s sent to an Australian prison for Yorkie-smuggling.
Back in October, Rashida Jones went on a Twitter rant after spending some time getting caught up on all the tits, cheeks, flaps and cracks the likes of Miley, Rihanna, Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj have been flashing all over the place. Rashida used the hashtag “stopactinglikewhores” and the responses were everything from a standing ovation, “NOOOOOOOO!” from the pro-ho crowd (and a resounding “Rashaddup!” from a friend of mine) to being accused of slut-shaming. She wised up to Twitter being the last place you want to go if you’re interested in actually getting your point across about well, anything, because she elaborated in an essay for Glamour (via EOnline).
The Parks and Recreation star began by pointing out that “stripper poles, G-strings, boobs, and a lot of tongue action were all now normal accessories for mainstream pop stars.” These artists, she reasons, are all trying to convey the same message: “You know you want to have sex with me. Here, take a look at lots of parts of my body.”
Rashida, pointing out she’s not “a prude,” loves sex and “also grew up on a healthy balance of sexuality in pop stars” finds all the in-your-face imagery of today to be “homogenous.” Every pop star, she writes, “interprets ‘sexy’ the same way: lots of skin, lots of licking of teeth, lots of bending over.”
“I find this oddly…boring,” she continues. “Can’t I just like a song without having to take an ultrasound tour of some pop star’s privates?”
“I consider myself a feminist. I would never point a finger at a woman for her actual sexual behavior, and I think all women have the right to express their desires,” she writes. “But I will look at women with influence—millionaire women who use their ‘sexiness’ to make money—and ask some questions. There is a difference, a key one, between ‘shaming’ and ‘holding someone accountable.'”
At the very least, Rashida gives me hope that I’m not the only one wiping down my laptop screen after yelling, “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!” and throwing coffee at some of the slut shit on the interwebs (as a lapsed Catholic, it’s the closest thing I have to holy water because I refuse to waste wine). And Miley might have Liam Hemsworth back to whacking it to pictures of raw chicken, so all her twerking bullshit might be paying off.
While Rashida made some good points about the scales being tipped toward hoing it up, who doesn’t want to indulge in some interpretive vageen dance from time to time? She also lost me with the random ass comparison of “If 1994 was the Year of O.J.’s White Bronco, 2013 was the Year of the Very Visible Vagina“. Up until now, I would have pegged any year Joe Francis or Paris Hilton were in the news more than four times as the Year of the Vagina.
Julie Chen admitted on The Talk last week that if a plastic surgeon never took a scalpel to her eyelids and widened her eye parts, she’d never be The Chenbot, Bumpits would be out of business and Big Brother would be in chaos without her saying, “But first!” When Julie admitted that shit, most of us shrugged like, “eh,” because we figured that her whole face has been taken apart, chiseled, sandblasted, dipped in plastic and put back together again. But on The Talk yesterday, Julie practically swore on the thing that made her a star, Les Moonves’ peen, that besides her eyelid surgery, she hasn’t gotten any face work. Julie says that she’s still got her born nose on her face. Julie claims that her nose looks like that from the magic of conturing and she showed the receipts in the form of a sped-up video of her getting her face painted.
Chenbot, please. I’ll believe that she hasn’t had her nose snipped (uh huh), but I refuse to believe that it’s possible for her to go makeup free. The Chenbot cannot go SANS FARDS! The Chenbot’s face is covered with car paint, shellac, adobe clay, acrylic and anything else found in the paint section at Home Depot. You can’t take that shit off. That video was obviously played backwards and the makeup artist was putting prosthetics and more makeup on her to look makeup free. That receipt is doctored!