Consider your childhood dreams of ever becoming Mrs. or Mr. Ricky Martin shattered because he’s officially married to Jwan Yosef, who is absolutely hotter than all of us so we never really had a chance anyway. E! News is confirming that Ricky and Jwan have dotted all their Is and crossed all their Ts and are now each other’s ball and chain. And now I’m imagining their beautiful lovemaking which, in my fantasy, involves a lot of greasy, sweating lifting and throwing of balls and chains.
According to Deadline, the family of Gianni Versace have released a statement denouncing Ryan Murphy’s latest scandal-based television offering. Needless to say, they won’t be throwing an The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story viewing party in their mansion when it premieres next week.
If you’ve been following the making of Ryan Murphy’s latest bewigged dramatic extravaganza, The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, then you’ve probably already seen Darren Criss (Andrew Cunan), Edgar Ramirez (Gianni Versace), Penelope Cruz (Donatella Versace) and Ricky Martin (Gianni’s partner Antonio D’Amico) in character. But Entertainment Weekly got the first official picture of all of them together. That cover is a tacky, opulent 90s fever dream of Day-Glo messiness, and yes I’m going to force my family to recreate it for our 2017 Christmas card, and we don’t even do family Christmas cards! And yes, hair will be pulled and faces will be scratched as we fight over who gets to be the “Donatella.”
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block declared yesterday that he and his man are promised to be married. And on today’s Ellen, Ricky Martin declares that he and his Venti cup full of Syrian-born hotness of a man are promised to be married too. I hope this trend of middle-aged former boy banders getting engaged to a sexy piece of man meat continues and one of my favorite boy band pieces Devin Lima of LFO (it’s the brows) comes out as gay and a nudist and shares naked pictures of he and his man getting engaged on a nudist colony. After these couple of weeks, you owe me this, universe!
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
I don’t know if Ricky Martin’s top took that picture in a “before bottoming” moment or if he took that selfie with his feet. If it’s the second one, he needs to immediately clear his entire schedule and check into the selfie rehab program at Promises. Because that’s a new selfie low.
“I know that I like both men and women. I’m against sexual labels, we are simply human beings with emotional and sexual needs. I am gay, men fascinate me, but I like to enjoy sex in total freedom, so I’m open to having sex with a woman if I feel desire.”
Ricky was asked if he’d ever have a relationship with a woman again and he shook his head no to that one by saying, “Men are my thing.”
Did a drunk bitch transcribe that interview before running it through Google Translate, because what he says doesn’t really make sense. Ricky doesn’t like sexual labels, but yet calls himself a gay man and he calls himself a gay man, but yet says that he’s down for poon. I see Ricky trying to make sure the horny ladies show up to his concerts. But really, I sort of get what Ricky’s saying. I mean, I’m gayer than a yellow rhinestone charm dangling off of a pink poodle’s cock ring, and there’s still a part of me that is Sandsexual, meaning I’d grab the holy water lube and some Lucite dildo heels if Shauna Sand wanted to do me.
Speaking of, here’s the Empress of Lucite and the most gorgeous goddess in the world displaying some grunge eleganza in L.A. a few months ago.