If you’ve been following the making of Ryan Murphy’s latest bewigged dramatic extravaganza, The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, then you’ve probably already seen Darren Criss (Andrew Cunan), Edgar Ramirez (Gianni Versace), Penelope Cruz (Donatella Versace) and Ricky Martin (Gianni’s partner Antonio D’Amico) in character. But Entertainment Weekly got the first official picture of all of them together. That cover is a tacky, opulent 90s fever dream of Day-Glo messiness, and yes I’m going to force my family to recreate it for our 2017 Christmas card, and we don’t even do family Christmas cards! And yes, hair will be pulled and faces will be scratched as we fight over who gets to be the “Donatella.”
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block declared yesterday that he and his man are promised to be married. And on today’s Ellen, Ricky Martin declares that he and his Venti cup full of Syrian-born hotness of a man are promised to be married too. I hope this trend of middle-aged former boy banders getting engaged to a sexy piece of man meat continues and one of my favorite boy band pieces Devin Lima of LFO (it’s the brows) comes out as gay and a nudist and shares naked pictures of he and his man getting engaged on a nudist colony. After these couple of weeks, you owe me this, universe!
Who cares if Ricky Martin’s shirt looks like it’s covered in flattened cockroaches and stepped-on bunny poop? Who also cares if Ricky Martin’s face looks like it was reupholstered in pieces cut out from the sun-damaged leather Levitz couch my tia kept on her backyard patio for years? Who cares about any of that? I doubt Ricky Martin gives a fuck , because he’s too busy humping on his hot new piece.
I don’t know if Ricky Martin’s top took that picture in a “before bottoming” moment or if he took that selfie with his feet. If it’s the second one, he needs to immediately clear his entire schedule and check into the selfie rehab program at Promises. Because that’s a new selfie low.
“I know that I like both men and women. I’m against sexual labels, we are simply human beings with emotional and sexual needs. I am gay, men fascinate me, but I like to enjoy sex in total freedom, so I’m open to having sex with a woman if I feel desire.”
Ricky was asked if he’d ever have a relationship with a woman again and he shook his head no to that one by saying, “Men are my thing.”
Did a drunk bitch transcribe that interview before running it through Google Translate, because what he says doesn’t really make sense. Ricky doesn’t like sexual labels, but yet calls himself a gay man and he calls himself a gay man, but yet says that he’s down for poon. I see Ricky trying to make sure the horny ladies show up to his concerts. But really, I sort of get what Ricky’s saying. I mean, I’m gayer than a yellow rhinestone charm dangling off of a pink poodle’s cock ring, and there’s still a part of me that is Sandsexual, meaning I’d grab the holy water lube and some Lucite dildo heels if Shauna Sand wanted to do me.
Speaking of, here’s the Empress of Lucite and the most gorgeous goddess in the world displaying some grunge eleganza in L.A. a few months ago.
Oh, here’s Ricky Martin just casually hanging out in his Spandex swim chonies in front of a photographer, two assistants, a lighting team, four stylists, a nipple waxer, a pose coach, a bronzer applier and a hair person. Ricky Martin threw up this casual nipple-hardening picture of his dad bod on Instagram today and he should’ve left it at that, but he had to ruin the moment by vomiting up a chunky wave of hashtags.
#islander #beachbum #livemylifebarefoot #saltyhair #sandyfeet #speedo #sunga #up #early #earlybird WAKE UP GANG. #newweek #newyear #2016
Whenever I see a trick using that many hashtags, I just want to channel my inner Helen Sinclair and grab their hands while saying, “Don’t hashtag!” But Ricky did burp up one hashtag I can appreciate. I didn’t know what “sunga” meant until I Googled it. I got two definitions for it. The Sunga is a Brazilian-style swimsuit for dudes. “Sunga” is also the name for waxing the hair off of your nuts. via Urban Dictionary
male version of the brazilian wax, involving hair being waxed off the man’s balls, butt crack, butt cheeks and pubic region
I guess not all hashtags are annoying. Sometimes hashtags can give you the image of Ricky Martin’s freshly waxed b-hole.
And here’s the porcelain figurine goddess that Courtney Stodden is trying to become one liquid plastic injection to the lips at a time.
Amanda Lepore recharged everyone’s power bars at the Life Ball, one of the biggest AIDS charity events, in Vienna yesterday when she gave them all kinds of life by strolling onto the carpet with luscious red lips that looked like a freshly bloomed Anthurium, exquisitely crafted brows that a chola will razor a bitch for and tits so high the angels could touch them with their toes. Amanda Lepore puts the Life in Life Ball. The Life Ball also brought out the likes of Conchita Wurst, Marcia Cross, Ricky Martin, Carmen Carrera, Courtney Love and Bill Clinton.
Yes, Bill Clinton and this generation’s Marilyn Monroe were at the same event. For Bill’s sake, I hope he brought a $1,200 cigar that was dipped in the world’s most expensive champagne and rolled in diamonds, because Amanda Lepore only allows the finest of finest things to touch her opulent body.