When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Dear producers of the Golden Globes, please have a kiss cam at next year’s ceremony, because you know those drunk wrecks would tongue fuck like there’s no tomorrow and it’d make that show a million times more entertaining. P.S. – Make sure Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard are seated next to each other and make sure the kiss cam lands on them as much as possible.
At the beginning of the BAFTAs last night, host Stephen Fry told the audience that a kiss cam was making the rounds and he tried to get the famous tricks in the audience to touch lips. Even Leonardo DiCatchAHo was a good sport about it and played along. He went against everything he believes in by kissing a woman who isn’t a 24-year-old blonde bikini model. But real-life couple Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender poo poo’d on the kiss cam and refused to suck face. The moment was apparently so awkward that it got cut for viewers. Boring hos!
Each reacted with various degrees of enthusiasm: some responded with a polite peck on the cheek, an actorly faux make-out, the full goods, or an (awkward) flat-out refusal.
First victims were the only real life couple Fry preyed upon; nominees Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. Famously private in their relationship, the pair refused to kiss for their host and left the air hanging with discomfort. So awkward, in fact, that it was cut out of the BBC One broadcast of the show.
But seriously, I’m with Alicia Vikander. If I was her and was sitting next to Michael Assbender, I wouldn’t waste my time or mess up my lipstick for the dumb, stupid kiss cam. I’d save my energy for when the suck that dick cam landed on us.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.
I’m sure there’s more than a few people who just shouted “…and if that horse doesn’t want it, I’ll take it!” at their computer screens.
So for those of you who have ever wondered if Michael Fassbender has a story about a horse that got a boner whenever he rode it, well – here you go. Michael Fassbender recently admitted during an appearance on The Graham Norton Show that he became all too familiar with horse dicks while filming Jane Eyre back in 2011. And no, it’s not because the walls of his trailer were covered in mirrors (that’s a joke about Michael Fassbender’s giant penis, in case I was being too subtle).
According to Michael Fassbender, Prince (his horsie co-star) used to get a horsie erection every time Michael Fassbender climbed on his back. So Prince’s handler, a guy named Dan, would switch places with Fassbender and trot him around until his boner went down. I guess that’s the horse version of picturing Tan Mom naked? But Michael doesn’t just talk about horse boners; he also does some horse boner charades and uses his arm to show what Prince’s penis did when Michael Fassbender mounted him. And that, my friends, is how a GIF is born. You can watch it all below.
I don’t know much about horse dicks (save for what I know about Trace Cyrus), but I doubt Prince was getting horny every time he got an accidental back massage courtesy of Michael Fassbender’s bulge. Horses aren’t dumb; I’m sure they’ve heard the stories about Michael Fassbender’s extra-beefy pants pony. Prince was probably just whipping his horse wang out for a friendly game of “Who’s bigger?“. I’m sure if Michael Fassbender spoke horse, he’d know that Prince’s neighs were his way of saying “Okay, but for real, don’t judge me too hard – it’s pretty cold out here.”
Last month, I hit a new low (or maybe it was a new high…) when I quoted Eddie Murphy’s musical masterpiece while writing about how 26-year-old Alicia Vikander was about to put Michael Fassbender’s 38-year-old extra meaty crotch bratwurst on the curb because she couldn’t take him partying all the time. UsWeekly is now saying that Alicia went through with it and put Michael Fassbender’s big dick on the curb. That’s every hard-up, horny Fassbender-loving ho’s cue to scoot her coochie along the curb until she hits dick. And this is a great time for size queens to be alive, because both The Hammaconda and The Assbender may be single and out in the wild.
UsWeekly doesn’t really have any details. All they say is that it’s over after 9 months and they haven’t been photographed together since May. If the blind item that claims that Alicia and Michael’s love was born in a publicist’s head is true, then they probably are over. Because “not being photographed together in 9 months” is to PR relationships what “shitting in front of your piece while not giving a hell that you’re shitting in front of your piece” is to real relationships. It means it’s the end.
But Gossip Cop stamped the word “LIES” on UsWeekly’s story, so maybe Alicia and Assbender are trying to work it out (read: negotiating a contract extension).
But really, Alicia has done Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender. If she moves on to Idris Elba, Prince Hot Ginge or the hot douchey deli worker at Vons who called me “bro” once, I’m going to search Angie’s List for a witch who can give me the power to shape-shift into Alicia Vikander’s Swedish vagine.
And here’s Alicia with professional Oscar fisher Eddie Redmayne at the TIFF premiere of The Danish Girl.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
I always forget that Alicia Vikander, from Ex Machina and The Man from U.N.C.L.E., has been bouncing on Michael Fassbender’s extra meaty crotch hose for a little while, but she has. However, she may soon permanently get off of that ride, because she’s getting bored and sick of him always party hopping and guzzling down the sweet nectar. Oh, Alicia. You should’ve tried to make it work with Alexander Skarsgard. He’d spend every night with you and stroke your hair as he reads you Jackie Collins novels in Swedish while you nuzzle against his strong mighty viking dick. At least that’s what he and I do in the fanfics I write about us.
Alicia and Assbender have been together since last year after meeting on the set of their movie The Light Between Oceans in Australia. A source type tells Star that 26-year-old Alicia is close to dumping 38-year-old Assbender’s ass, because the party never stops with him.
“Alicia knows Michael likes to have his fun, but she had no idea just how much. With Michael, life is basically a 24-hour free-for-all. He’s constantly boozing, smoking cigarettes, hopping from one party to the next. He says he’s just having fun, but Alicia’s getting bored with it.”
Of course, Gossip Cop heard from a “source” that this is a lie.
If it’s true, I can’t understand it, why Michael wants to hurt Alicia. After all of the things she’s done for him. She buys him champagne and roses and diamonds on his finger. Diamonds on his finger. Still, he hangs out all night. What is she to do? Alicia’s man wants to party all the time. Party all the time. And yes, I just quoted an Eddie Murphy song. It’s Friday. Leave me alone!
Here’s the first picture of Assbender in Assassin’s Creed and pictures of Alicia walking in London.
After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.
I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!
Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:
It was my understanding that Naomi Campbell’s snatch didn’t get out of bed for anything less than the $10,000 dick of a billionaire, but it appears that even the clickety-clackiest of gold digging can’t resist the siren sound of Michael Fassbender’s trouser kraken. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) Naomi has downgraded in the dollar department but upgraded in the dick department (“Where might I find this wonderful department store you speak of?” – MK) because she might be hooking up with The Hammaconda’s huskier German cousin, Das Assbender, after the two were caught “canoodling” (not my words, never my words):
A showbiz insider told the paper that the pair were in a cordoned-off area within the members area of the restaurant which gave them plenty of privacy but the pair didn’t mind being seen together and were being openly affectionate towards one another.
“At one point they ever started snogging” the source reveals.
First canoodling, then snogging?? Let me guess what happened next: those two randy slappers shagged in the toilets like horny corgis while the Queen waved to them from Buckingham Palace.
Normally I’d advise anyone thinking of sticking their fuck parts in Naomi to reconsider, because there’s no bitch like a crazy bitch and Naomi wrote the book on crazy bitching at an expert level. But I think Fassbender can handle himself. Anytime she goes to throw a phone at him, he can use that giant dick of his like a cricket bat and swat them away, and if his dick ever wants a break from the crazy it could always put on a Vivienne Westwood heel and scare her ass away for a bit.
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”– you) and stay for John Waters.