Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander are at the Venice Film Festival promoting their Oscar bait of a movie, The Light Between Oceans, and I am 100% sure that 10/10 reporters on that red carpet said to him, “Hey, Michael, I’d let you put your light between my oceans.” That doesn’t really make sense, but when interviewing Michael Fassbender, you should always turn the title of the movie he’s pimping into a pick-up line.
If I was doing Michael Fassbender full-time, I’d probably wear a t-shirt that says, “I Am Doing Michael Fassbender Full-Time,” but they’re one of those ~private couples~ who don’t really talk about their relationship. But while talking to Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) about making The Light Between Oceans, Michael admitted that they started dating while making the movie in 2014:
“Yeah, we met on that job and have been seeing each other since. She’s such a fierce performer. She’s so brave. She’s not afraid to bring ugly personality traits to the forefront in characters. So I was really impressed by her immediately.”
The Light Between Oceans doesn’t come out until tomorrow, so I haven’t seen it yet, but I’m assuming that Alicia’s character limps in some scenes. Alicia’s character explains her limp by saying that she got it in an accident years ago, but we all know that she got that limp from regularly getting on Michael Fassbender’s crotch boa.
And here’s Assbender in a suit and Alicia Vikander dressed like a disco Maria von Trapp at the Venice Film Festival premiere of their movie tonight.
If you didn’t look at that picture and got all excited after misreading the headline as “Michael Fassbender Dipping His Dangling Peen Into A Bottle,” then: 1) We’re soul siblings, because we both always have dick on the brain. 2) You’re crazy to think that Michael Fassbender could dip his salchicha into a bottle. The only way he could fuck a bottle is if the bottle looks like this:
Even then, he’d need a gallon tub of Crisco to get it in.
But anyway, Michael Assbender was on The Tonight Show last night to promote his new movie The Light Between Two Oceans, and Jimmy Fallon decided that they should play a game of “Pen In Bottle.” Michael’s piece Alicia Vikander taught Jimmy the Swedish drinking game when she was on last week. All you do is tie a string with a pen attached to it around your waist, and then you squat while trying to sex the bottle with your pen. I know, the people at The Tonight Show are genius pervs. They came up with a G-rated way to show us what it looks like when Michael Fassbender pile drives.
You can’t tell from that clip since it was cut due to FCC rules, but even though Michael Fassbender missed the hole, that bottle still came.
And here’s Alicia and Michael taking selfies with their fans outside of their hotel in NYC a couple of days ago:
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Dear producers of the Golden Globes, please have a kiss cam at next year’s ceremony, because you know those drunk wrecks would tongue fuck like there’s no tomorrow and it’d make that show a million times more entertaining. P.S. – Make sure Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard are seated next to each other and make sure the kiss cam lands on them as much as possible.
At the beginning of the BAFTAs last night, host Stephen Fry told the audience that a kiss cam was making the rounds and he tried to get the famous tricks in the audience to touch lips. Even Leonardo DiCatchAHo was a good sport about it and played along. He went against everything he believes in by kissing a woman who isn’t a 24-year-old blonde bikini model. But real-life couple Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender poo poo’d on the kiss cam and refused to suck face. The moment was apparently so awkward that it got cut for viewers. Boring hos!
Each reacted with various degrees of enthusiasm: some responded with a polite peck on the cheek, an actorly faux make-out, the full goods, or an (awkward) flat-out refusal.
First victims were the only real life couple Fry preyed upon; nominees Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. Famously private in their relationship, the pair refused to kiss for their host and left the air hanging with discomfort. So awkward, in fact, that it was cut out of the BBC One broadcast of the show.
But seriously, I’m with Alicia Vikander. If I was her and was sitting next to Michael Assbender, I wouldn’t waste my time or mess up my lipstick for the dumb, stupid kiss cam. I’d save my energy for when the suck that dick cam landed on us.
Actually, that’s not really out of the ordinary for me – I have a pretty hard-core addiction to yellow mustard (it’s my good shit, bad shit, and everything-in-between shit). So if anything, staring at Jennifer Lopez’s picnic spread-looking dress isn’t doing much more than acting as a reminder that it’s been all of 20 minutes since my last hit. I wish that was a joke, but it’s not – I literally just dipped potato chips in mustard (I call it Sadness Dip).
Crippling mustard dependency aside, I love what JLo is wearing, but it seems very un-JLo to me. Usually when JLo prepares for a fancy red carpet events, her stylists are given two simple instructions:
1. Make JLo look mucho sexy.
2. Make sure that whatever JLo is wearing has enough movement in the arms so she can easily push Casper Smart out of the way when she gets her picture taken.
But JLo’s Golden Globes ensemble doesn’t do either of those things! Yes, JLo looks sexy, but she doesn’t look JLo™ sexy. Like, how are we supposed to know how much industrial-grade high-density liquid body shimmer has been shellacked onto her cleavage if we can’t even seen it? Not to mention that mustard yellow isn’t a color found on JLo’s sexy Pantone color palette (the only colors being: silver, gold, golden bronze, bronze, and DAZZLING).
And how is she supposed to push Casper out of the way properly if she’s wearing a cape that limits her pushing arm to a measly 45-degrees of outstretch? Someone on JLo’s styling team is gonna get fired today.
Here’s more of Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart (who clearly took advantage of the situation and managed to sneak into some red carpet photos), and a whole mess of fancy-dressed famous types from last night. My personal favorite (besides JLo, of course) is Kirsten Dunst, who looked like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark’s snobby old money Manhattan cousin.
“And I thank you for attempting to look like you showered tonight, Johnny. You don’t, of course – but you tried, and that’s all that matters. Now stop trying to pull me in closer, you’re going to leave grease stains all over the couture!”
Last night, Johnny Depp accepted the Desert Palm Achievement Award at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and one of the people he thanked was the skilled taxidermist who keeps him looking somewhat human after all these years. No! He didn’t thank his taxidermist (rude). But UsWeekly says he did thank his midlife crisis wife, Amber Heard, for being such a sport and putting up with his ass.