After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.
I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!
Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:
It was my understanding that Naomi Campbell’s snatch didn’t get out of bed for anything less than the $10,000 dick of a billionaire, but it appears that even the clickety-clackiest of gold digging can’t resist the siren sound of Michael Fassbender’s trouser kraken. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) Naomi has downgraded in the dollar department but upgraded in the dick department (“Where might I find this wonderful department store you speak of?” – MK) because she might be hooking up with The Hammaconda’s huskier German cousin, Das Assbender, after the two were caught “canoodling” (not my words, never my words):
A showbiz insider told the paper that the pair were in a cordoned-off area within the members area of the restaurant which gave them plenty of privacy but the pair didn’t mind being seen together and were being openly affectionate towards one another.
“At one point they ever started snogging” the source reveals.
First canoodling, then snogging?? Let me guess what happened next: those two randy slappers shagged in the toilets like horny corgis while the Queen waved to them from Buckingham Palace.
Normally I’d advise anyone thinking of sticking their fuck parts in Naomi to reconsider, because there’s no bitch like a crazy bitch and Naomi wrote the book on crazy bitching at an expert level. But I think Fassbender can handle himself. Anytime she goes to throw a phone at him, he can use that giant dick of his like a cricket bat and swat them away, and if his dick ever wants a break from the crazy it could always put on a Vivienne Westwood heel and scare her ass away for a bit.
Screw the editors of Gravity, American Hustle and that Captain Phillips shit! The biggest achievement in editing for this year and last year and all years goes to who ever edited the Independent Spirit Awards last night. AMERICAN CITIZEN Laura Jeanne Poon, who looks like she’s got an AMERICAN CITIZEN FETUS lying in her AMERICAN CITIZEN UTERUS, was presenting the award for Best Screenplay with the Texas T-Rex at the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday and after the winner was announced they cut to hos clapping in the audience and one of those clappity clapping hos was Laura Jeanne Poon. How did she do it!? Laura Jeanne Poon is a witch! Laura Jeanne Poon is a teleporter! Laura Jeanne Poon has a twin! Laura Jeanne Poon has road runner legs and can get from the stage to her seat in seconds!
But really, who can we trust if we can’t trust the director and editors of award shows to give us authentic and real clips of celeb whores clapping? We should question all celebrity clapping cutaways. We should question everything. And on a different note, Anne Hathaway is probably hating on Laura Jeanne Poon hard right now, because it’s her wet dream of all wet dreams to watch herself in the audience clapping for herself on stage.
And here’s pictures of a bunch of tricks who showed up to the Spirit awards yesterday. Come for The Hammaconda (“I have already, a few times today, actually”- you) and stay for John Waters.
Michael Fassbender and Romanian model type Madalina Ghenea were papped holding hands in Milan yesterday, and even though it doesn’t look like she’s squat walking, it’s obvious that she’s been on that huge peen. Madalina used to fuck with Gerard Butler and Leonardo DiCaprio, so she’s totally a fame fucker who’s getting that B-to-A-list dick (And since she fucked with Gerard Butler she probably got something else, but topical ointment, a dozen Hazmat baths and a few wart removal sessions should clear that up.)
E! News says that Assbender and Madalina have also been seen together in Romania where he’s shooting a movie. They’ve probably been doing it for at least a couple of months, because they were photographed leaving a 7-Eleven-type place in New Zealand in November and they supposedly spent New Year’s Eve together in Romania. Over a week ago, she threw up a picture on Facebook of a dude who could be Assbender putting his mouth near her cheek.
And Lainey Gossip says that a witness told Le Vipere that Assbender went to a gynecologist’s appointment with Madalina and she looked upset. May the knocked up rumors begin! But what I think happened is that right after her gyno went in to look at Madalina’s cooch to make sure everything she caught from The Butler has cleared up, her doctor’s eyes widened and he or she wondered why her chocha was so wide. Did an anaconda wearing a puffy jacket slither up there without her knowing it? Right after the gyno said that, Michael Fassbender poked his head into the room and winked at the doctor. The doctor let out an, “aaaaaaah,” and suddenly it made sense.. That’s probably what happened.
Brad Pitt is in 12 Years A Slave for about 5 fast minutes, but it’s his face and Michael Fassbender’s face that are the stars of the movie’s posters in Italy. Tumblr user Carefree Black Girl is in Italy and says that the posters for 12 Years A Slave make the movie seem like it’s a BRAD PITT MOVIE! She wrote this (via Vulture):
I was at the movies the other day ( I live in Italy) and I saw the poster for 12 Years A Slave. I’ve been following the press for months and I can’t wait to watch it but REALLY? I don’t remember Brad Pitt being the protagonist of the film or having such a pivotal role in the story to stay in the middle of the poster…
I sure don’t know anything about marketing strategy to appeal audiences but isn’t this going to far?
Some are screaming racism and some are saying that they put Brad Pitt’s big face on the poster, because he’s the biggest star and they want to sell the movie. Brad Pitt is also a huge star here in the US (ugh) and his giant face is not on the poster. Besides, if they were going with the “Let’s put the biggest STAH on the poster” route, then they should’ve put Michael Fassbender’s huge dick on the poster. It’s a bigger star than Michael Fassbender himself and Brad Pitt combined. Michael Fassbender’s big dick doesn’t totally make a cameo in the movie, but I think I saw its print when he wore old timey pajamas.
But seriously, that poster is a serious mess. Every hardcore Brangeloonie who worships at the altar of Brangelina is looking at that poster and saying, “Hey, I have that airbrushed on the side of my van!” That poster makes it looks like 12 Years A Slave is an Amish romance drama starring Brad Pitt as White Jesus.
Michael Fassbender’s long dong swaying dick was the breakout star of Shame, it stole every scene it was in and many of us signed a petition to get the Academy to properly honor it with an honorary Oscar for best performance by a big dick in a movie (no disrespect to cinema’s other huge prick Ashton Kutcher). But just like fellow Salchicha Gordo Club member Jon Hamm, Michael Fassbender is tired of bitches talking about his big dick, and he’d really like us whores to stop focusing on his big dick, and he wants to be seen as something more than a dude with a big dick, and he wants the tweets about his big dick to stop (he’s talking to you, Damon Lindelof)!
As Sharon Stone’s vagina threw Michael Fassbender an “Is that so?” look, he told Elle UK (via The Cut) that it would be considered sexual harassment if everybody talked about an actresses’ chocha the way everyone talks about his big dick.
It wouldn’t be acceptable, it would be seen as sexual harassment, people saying [to an actress], “Your vagina …” You know?
You know, I didn’t totally get what Michael Fassbender said, because my brain was too busy thinking about his big dick swinging to and fro. Can Michael Fassbender say that again? Better yet, can Michael Fassbender get his big dick to say the words. I’ll totally pay attention then. I promise.
Michael Fassbender will probably be nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his performance in that movie that should change its title to “It’s For Business, Enslaver!“, but sadly for all of us, he has no plans to pull a Melissa Leo by showing off his cleavage while wearing a fur shrug in For Your Consideration ads paid for by him. When Shame came out, he campaigned like Tracy Flick on meth for a Best Actor nomination and he didn’t get shit. So AssBender tells GQ that he’s not going to partake in that game this year.
“I’m going to be busy working. I just don’t really have time.
That’s just not going to happen, because I’ll be in New Zealand. I’ll be on the other side of the world. You know, I get it. Everybody’s got to do their job. So you try and help and facilitate as best you can. But I won’t put myself through that kind of situation again. It’s just a grind. And I’m not a politician. I’m an actor.”
This bitch is lying and he’s obviously campaigning by using reverse psychology on those hos. You know that while he’s working in New Zealand, his long dick is going to swim to Hollywood and campaign for him. It’s going to shake hands, schmooze, kiss cheeks and hand out “AssBender 4 Supporting Actor” pins. And on that note, excuse me while I Google “Whose dick do you have to suck to get on the Oscar voting committee?”
The Oscars are a million months away, but Brad Pitt has already started Googling the question “What is the easiest way to turn an Oscar statue into a bong?” because everyone’s saying that he could have his fingers around one next year. No, he’s not going to get one for acting. Are you bitches crazy? Brad Pitt is one of the producers of 12 Years A Slave (not to be confused with the title of Bruce Jenner’s upcoming memoirs, 22 Years A Slave), which everyone is freaking out about. Audiences threw Oscar statues at it when it screened at the Telluride Film Festival last week, and it got a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Vulture and others think that it will win Best Picture and if it does Brad will finally get his Oscar bong!
In 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a free man who is kidnapped in DC and sold as a slave to a real vicious cuntbag of a Louisiana plantation owner played by Michael Fassbender. Director Steve McQueen, who also directed Shame, directs a cast that also includes Bendadick Cumsinbatches, Brad Pitt, Alfre Woodard, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o and Quvenzhané Wallis. They’re saying Oscar noms will go to Steve McQueen for Best Director, Chiwetel for Best Actor and Michael Assbender for Best Supporting Actor. Here’s the trailer:
And here’s the cast at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Brad is giving me shades of current day Val Kilmer, but at least he shaved that wolfey butt bush off his face.
I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).
When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:
“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”
I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.
And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.
On the left is Javier Bardem in the teaser trailer for The Counselor and on the right is the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Thanks to ten cans of pink AquaNet, a blow dryer set to high and possibly a taser gun, Javier Bardem TRIES IT, but his hair just can’t beat the hair on the head of the Ancient Aliens meme guy. Because the Ancient Aliens meme guy’s hair just isn’t hair. It’s a hairy satellite that communicates with aliens from the ancient world. So he wins!
Anyway, below is the trailer for Ridley Scott’s The Counselor, which is about a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets into the drug selling business with two drug lords (Javier Bardem and Cameron Diaz), because he wants to give his girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) a fancier life. That is just crazy. Who in the hell starts selling drugs to give their piece a fancier life? Any reasonable ho would just get into the pyramid scheme game. (Side note: Remember that pyramid scheme where you’d get a list of 20 names and addresses and you’d have to send a $1 to each of them. If you did that, you’d get on the next list and a bunch of people would send a $1 to you. You were supposed to make thousands of thousands of dollars from it. Remember that scheme? I wonder who was dumb enough to fall for that shit? I totally fell for it.) Here’s the trailer:
Javier Bardem’s hair, the grease stuck to Brad Pitt’s locks and those cheetahs (cheetahs are such fame whores) probably think they’re the stars of this movie, but they’re wrong. The true star is Cameron Diaz. I skimmed through a review of the script (I know, I really have no life) and read that Cameron plays Malkina, Javier Bardem’s sociopathic and horny partner who is a computer genius and is obsessed with cheetahs and cars. Apparently, she’s really REALLY into cars and has even fucked one. So those of you haters who have said in the past, “The only way Cameron Diaz is going to get an Oscar nomination is if screws a car on camera,” can eat it, because she’s finally doing it. Pour some Turtle Wax on that car hood and get that Oscar, bitch!