I’m sure you missed the engagement ring on Lance Armstrong’s lady’s hand because you were too transfixed by the lens flares that make it look like she’s shooting streams of liquid hot magma into his chest. But yes, she’s wearing that type on ring on her marriage finger.
Cycling scam artist Lance Armstrong announced yesterday on Instagram that he was getting married to his longtime girlfriend Anna Hansen. Lance posted the above pic with the caption: “She said….YES!” You know, just once I’d love to see a celebrity break from tradition and Instagram a picture of a ring box in the trash with a caption that says: “She said NO #tears #sadness #foreveralone.”
Lance and Anna have been together for almost nine years. They have two kids together (Max, 7, and Olivia, 6). Lance has three teenagers from his first marriage to Kristin Richard. He was also once engaged to Sheryl Crow.
A little over two years ago, Anna took the fall for Lance after they left a party in Aspen, CO and he hit two parked cars with his SUV. Lance finally owned up to it after Anna told police she was covering for Lance to prevent his pristine reputation from being dragged through the news. That was very ride-or-die of Anna. I hope that if Lance and Anna write their own vows, he remembers to include something about that. “I Lance, take you Anna, to be my forever accomplice on this journey called life. I promise that whenever I need an excuse, I’ll always come to you first baby. You’ll always be buckled into the passenger seat of my heart…unless I fuck up, in which case you’ll switch seats with me, right?”
On December 28th, Lance Armstrong pulled a classic Lance Armstrong when he crashed into two parked cars with his SUV while driving home from a party in Aspen, CO and got his girlfriend Anna Hansen to agree to take the blame for him. Anna tried to work things out with the cars’ owner by agreeing to pay for the damages, but he called the cops anyway. Anna later told police that she lied about driving, because she’s sick and tired of the evil media dragging her angelic man’s pristine reputation through a puddle of bull diarrhea. I could see where she was coming, because if we all found out that Lance (probably drove drunk and) crashed into parked cars, his image as an upstanding pillar of truth and integrity would be damaged forever!
The Associated Press says that dumbass Lance pleaded guilty to careless driving. Lance sent in his plea by mail. The case is now closed and he doesn’t have to show his face in court. If Lance pleaded not guilty and the case went to trial, he could have gotten up to 90 days in the clink if found guilty. Because he pleaded guilty to careless thinking (Freudian slip and it stays), prosecutors dropped the charges for speeding, leaving the scene and failing to report an accident. Lance just has to pay $238.50 in court fees and a $150 fine. He also has to pay to fix the cars he hit.
Add that $388.50 to the $10 million Lance has to pay a sports insurance company for lying about doping up. Lance Liestrong is reportedly worth over $100 million, so $10,000,388.50 is probably not going to bankrupt him, but he should still keep his mouth shut, stay inside and sit on his hands. Because it feels like every time he opens up his crusty lie hole and gets behind the wheel of anything, he fucks up and has to pay fines and shit. If he keeps the foolery up, he’ll run out of money to pay off people and fines and will have to get a job selling tricycles at Big Lots. (“Um, no, we don’t hire lying bitches, thankyouverymuch!” – an official spokesperson from Big Lots)
“Shit. Looks like I’m going to have to cancel that upcoming reno on my indoor doping room.”
So, remember that time noted asshole-type Lance Armstrong swore up and down on a stack of Bibles and rubber Livestrong bracelets in a court of law that he’d NEVER pulled a Kenny Powers and injected his ass full of performance enhancing drugs so he could be the fastest bike riding guy in the world? And then remember when he later confessed to Oprah that he was lying and that LOL JK he totally actually did? Well, apparently courts don’t like it when you commit perjury, and USA Today says that an arbitration panel in Texas has ruled Lance Armstrong has to pay a $10 million penalty for being a lie-teller.
Lance Armstrong will have to write out a $10 million check to SCA Promotions, the sports insurance company who dumped a Gatorade cooler full of dollars over Lance’s head every time he won the Tour de France. USA Today says this might be the biggest “I’m Sowwy” check written by a single person in American judicial history. But save your tears: Lance Armstrong is reportedly worth about $125 million.
However, Lance Armstrong isn’t exactly reaching for his giant checkbook just yet; his attorney Tim Herman says Lance is going to fight the decision in court, because the testicle he had removed in 1996 contained his ability to take responsibility for his actions. NO! He says it’s because “the parties reached a final and binding settlement in the case in 2006.” So basically, Lance closed that chapter of his life, and he doesn’t want it reopened. Huh, looks like I was right the first time – apparently that ball did contain his ability to take responsibility for his actions.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s a tale of love and compassion….
Professional cheater Lance Armstrong took his lying act from his bike to his SUV last December when he hit a bunch of parked cars and let his girlfriend Anna Hansen take the fall. The Aspen Daily News (via ESPN) says that after partying in Aspen, CO on December 28th, Lance got behind the wheel of his GMC Yukon and during the drive home, he hit two parked cars. Poor Lance is so sick of the media throwing shit at him for the stuff he brought on himself, so Anna agreed to say she was driving to avoid national attention. I know, doesn’t that just bring your cold, dead heart to life and make you believe in true love?
Not content to let Gwyneth Paltrow be the only bottle of Nepotism Springs bland blonde water to gurgle out their thoughts on bloggers, the incense-burning fringed leather Goop Kate Hudson has added her name to the list of famous rich white ladies who get bummed out every time they read something not-nice about themselves online. In an interview with InStyle, Kate pushed out a single fauxhemian tear over those judgy assholes of the internet, but not before she could get in some judgemental shade at the expense of two of her old fuck pieces:
On acting like she never helped administer the daily juice-injections into the ass cheeks of her two roided-up exes, Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez:
“I was as shocked as anyone. But I personally think that you make the choices you make and you should reap the consequences. People have a right to [feel betrayed]. Lance and Alex are phenomenal athletes who have made some bad choices and let a lot of people down. It’s a decision they made for themselves and they’ve got to loathe it.”
On turning into Mr. Tyzik from The Kids in the Hall every time she sees the paparazzi:
“I mentally cut their heads off.”
On how bloggers should LEAVE KIM KARDASHIAN-TYPES ALOOOOONE (but also tricks who are starting to look like if Goldie Hawn fucked a decorative ceramic panther):
“The negativity is just so vast. Will everybody stop being so damned judgmental? If someone wants to go get butt implants, then sure, go get butt implants. The real question is, How do they treat the person next to them? Are they assholes or are they awesome?”
I know Kate Hudson wants me to stop being so damned judgemental, but I’m putting on my detachable lace collar and judging the fuck out of the near-sighted intern responsible for Photoshopping Kate Hudson to hell and back until she ended up resembling a boho Flat Stanley in a bikini. Dear InStyle: I’ve had paper dolls with more lifelike-looking legs than hers.
Lance Armstrong has a well-documented history of winning almost every damn bicycle race he was ever in (you’d better be singing Queen right now) in a long career filled with doping and being an asshole and all-around dickbag. Retired Italian cyclist Roberto Gaggioli told Corriere della Sera (via the NY Post) that in 1993 when the bangs were big, the jeans were acid washed and the livin’ was easy, Lance bribed him and other riders to look the other way as he broke away in order to win the $1 million prize in the Thrift Drug Triple Crown (I shit you not on that name).
Roberto says he received $100,000 from Lance but the amount the other riders were paid is unclear, maybe because it wasn’t neatly enclosed in the most promising form of gift wrap on the planet- a pastry box!
“It was a young American colleague,” Roberto Gaggioli told the Corriere della Sera, according to a translation. ”He offered me a panettone [a traditional Italian Christmas cake] as a present and wished me a merry Christmas. In the box there were $100,000 in small bills. That colleague was Lance Armstrong.
“Lance said that my team, Coors Light, had agreed to it. I understood that it had all been decided.”
You know how I know my New Year’s resolution to eat less crap is going to fail spectacularly by dinnertime on January 1? My first reaction was to be irrationally pissed off on Roberto’s behalf that there was no cake in the box. This is the hungry bitch version of giving your girlfriend an empty ring box with the promise to fill it one day when you propose to her. You meant well, I can see what you tried to do there, but NO. The rules are as follows: Ring in the box. Cake in the box. Dick in the box. Got it, Lance??
I wish I could be surprised Lance would shit on the sanctity of baked goods by cheapening it with lots and lots of American dollars, but since he already shat all over the sanctities of marriage, sportsmanship and honesty, I’m pretty much dying of a heart attack from not surprise.