Lance Armstrong Finally Takes The Blame After Getting His Girlfriend To Take The Blame

February 19, 2015 / Posted by:

On December 28th, Lance Armstrong pulled a classic Lance Armstrong when he crashed into two parked cars with his SUV while driving home from a party in Aspen, CO and got his girlfriend Anna Hansen to agree to take the blame for him. Anna tried to work things out with the cars’ owner by agreeing to pay for the damages, but he called the cops anyway. Anna later told police that she lied about driving, because she’s sick and tired of the evil media dragging her angelic man’s pristine reputation through a puddle of bull diarrhea. I could see where she was coming, because if we all found out that Lance (probably drove drunk and) crashed into parked cars, his image as an upstanding pillar of truth and integrity would be damaged forever!

The Associated Press says that dumbass Lance pleaded guilty to careless driving. Lance sent in his plea by mail. The case is now closed and he doesn’t have to show his face in court. If Lance pleaded not guilty and the case went to trial, he could have gotten up to 90 days in the clink if found guilty. Because he pleaded guilty to careless thinking (Freudian slip and it stays), prosecutors dropped the charges for speeding, leaving the scene and failing to report an accident. Lance just has to pay $238.50 in court fees and a $150 fine. He also has to pay to fix the cars he hit.

Add that $388.50 to the $10 million Lance has to pay a sports insurance company for lying about doping up. Lance Liestrong is reportedly worth over $100 million, so $10,000,388.50 is probably not going to bankrupt him, but he should still keep his mouth shut, stay inside and sit on his hands. Because it feels like every time he opens up his crusty lie hole and gets behind the wheel of anything, he fucks up and has to pay fines and shit. If he keeps the foolery up, he’ll run out of money to pay off people and fines and will have to get a job selling tricycles at Big Lots. (“Um, no, we don’t hire lying bitches, thankyouverymuch!” – an official spokesperson from Big Lots)

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