Katherine Jackson Got A Restraining Order Against Her Nephew After Accusing Him Of Abuse

Katherine Jackson is going through it again. In 2012, she had to read a scripted statement in front of cameras after her children were accused of kidnapping her and holding her against her will. And now 86-year-old Katherine Jackson says that she’s been suffering through oldie abuse by the hand of her own nephew (through marriage) Trent Lamar Jackson. Katherine is currently in London, visiting her newest grandchild, and she may stay there for a while, because she’s afraid of coming back home to her nephew from HELL.

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Michael Jackson’s Estate Just Made $750 Million By Selling His Share Of Sony/ATV Music

You know that exactly 0.3 seconds after that headline was released to the world, all four Jacksons in the picture above received a “Hey, what’s up?” text from cash-sniffing bloodhound Jermaine Jackson.

Last year it was reported that Michael Jackson’s Estate has made $2 billion since moonwalking his way up to Heaven back in 2009. Now TMZ is saying we can go ahead and change that number to “nearly $3 billion.” Sony has recently announced that they’re buying Michael Jackson’s share of Sony/ATV Music Publishing for $750 million. Since MJ is dead, all the money goes to his estate, which benefits his children, Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, and his momma, Katherine Jackson.

The reason for that huge-ass payout is because Michael Jackson owned 50% of Sony/ATV. That’s also where that whole “Michael Jackson owns The Beatles’ music catalog” thing came from. Not only did MJ make money off The Beatles, but he also owned 50% of the publishing rights to many other famous songs, including “New York, New York“, “Moon River“, “Jailhouse Rock“, and the Mission: Impossible theme. Sony/ATV has gone on to become the largest music publishing company in the world, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to keep handing over half of their profits to a person who has been dead for almost 7 years.

Along with a $750 million check, Michael Jackson’s estate will also get to keep all the songs he wrote and a bunch of others that he purchased while he was still alive.

Obviously at least a third of that money should be reinvested into La Toya Jackson’s…whatever she wants it for, really (don’t ask questions). But whatever is left over should be used to spend as they wish. Since Sony/ATV just turned the Jackson kids from “fucking super rich” to “really fucking super rich“, I think they should use some of that cash to change their names to reflect that. Prince Michael should change his to King, Paris can upgrade to France, and Blanket can now go by Cashmere Throw.

Pic: Splash

The IRS Wants $702 Million From The Michael Jackson Estate

Both The Los Angeles Times and TMZ say that the last government agency you should fuck with, the IRS, hit the Michael Jackson Estate with a bill for hundreds of millions of dollars. The IRS claims that Michael Jackson’s Estate lied about his net worth when he died and now they want $702 million in taxes and fines. Run, Jackson Family, ruuuuun, flee to Switzerland while you still can! Blanket and Detective La Toya are too fragile and delicate for prison!

In documents filed with the U.S. Tax Court in Washington, the IRS claims that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate claimed that he was worth $7 million at the time of his death in 2009. According to the IRS, Michael Jackson was worth just a little bit more than $7 million. The IRS says that he was actually worth $1.125 billion. Wooops, bitch. That’s what the Jacksons get for letting Bubbles do their accounting #nodissrespecttobubbles. The IRS says that the Michael Jackson Estate owes taxpayers $505 million in unpaid taxes and $197 million in fines. To show the Jackson Estate that they aren’t fucking around, the IRS doubled the tax penalty from 20% to 40%. Michael Jackson’s tax return was so inaccurate, which is why they’ve been hit with that gross valuation misstatement penalty. The L.A. Times breaks down what the IRS claim was underreported.

Michael Jackson’s image:

His estate claims it’s valued at only $2,105.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $434.264 million.

Michael Jackson’s interest in the trust that owns the catalog of his own songs and the Beatles’ songs:

His estate claims it’s valued at ZERO dollars and ZERO cents.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $469 million.

During the wrongful death suit, a public accountant testified that Michael Jackson took out a $320 million loan against the music catalog. The IRS also says that another trust his Estate claims is worth $2.2 million is actually worth $60.6 million. MJ’s Estate stated that the Jackson 5 master recordings are valued at $11.2 million, but the IRS thinks they’re valued at $45.5 million.

The L.A. Times says that the Estate’s lawyers will definitely smear Vaseline all over their faces and fight this to the end. They will probably argue that at the time of his death, Michael Jackson hadn’t toured and he hadn’t put out an album and the child molestation scandal ruined his reputation, so his image wasn’t worth nearly $434 million. Most inheritance tax disputes are settled before going to court, but the L.A Times thinks that the Jackson Estate is ready to go to trial, because they’ve hired the top tax litigators in L.A.

Yes, $702 million is a shit load of money (“Speak for yourself, poor!” – Oprah), but the Jacksons can easily pay it off by doing the following:

– Sell bottles of Detective La Toya’s air kisses at $100 each.
Estimated profit: $219 million

– Chop off Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane (I know, I should be arrested for even typing that) and sell it to weave companies.
Estimated profit: $310 million

– Sell Jermaine Jackson’s hairline to science.
Estimated profit: $5

– Make Rebbie Jackson perform the greatest Jackson song of all-time “Centipede“ at birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc..
Estimated Profit: $456 million

– Put up a Kickstarter to send Joe Jackson on a one-way trip to space.
Estimated profit (after the cost of the space trip): $999 million

Estimated total profit: $1.989 billion!

See, and they’ll still have a bunch of money leftover after they pay the taxes on their profits. And yes, after looking at my gross valuation of estimated profits, I’m beginning to think that I was the Jackson Estate accountant.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy And Rebbie Are Selfish Bitches!

Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson were officially named co-guardians of Paris, Blanket and Prince today, and in her declaration, Mama Jackson took off her wig, got comfortable and let it all out. In the declaration, Mama Jackson threw a “here comes the truth, heffas” side-eye at Janet, Randy, Jermaine and Rebbie when she said that she suspects she was tricked into taking that trip to Arizona. Mama Jackson has seen the light and she’s spilling the truth. “I’ve got all your numbers, hussies!” – Mama Jackson to her sneaky bitch ass kids

TMZ says that Katherine was all set to drive to New Mexico to see her sons in concert, but then an unnamed doctor showed up to her house and told her that she should fly instead of taking a car. Katherine says she trusted her doctor, so she got on the plane, but was hit with a whole lot of WTF when she ended up in Tucson instead of New Mexico. When Katherine wondered why she was in Tucson, she was told that she has high blood pressure and needed to rest at a spa. If there’s one thing a memaw can’t resist, it’s rest at a spa, so she went. When she got to the spa, her iPad and cell phone were taken away and the phone in her room was disconnected. Katherine couldn’t even watch her stories on TV, because they shut the TV off. Suddenly she knew what it felt like to be one of Tommy Girl’s wives.

Katherine didn’t know her grandchildren were going crazy on Twitter about her being missing and she was constantly told that Paris, Blanket and Prince were fine. Katherine went on to write in the declaration, “At the time, I trusted the people I was with to be honest with me.”

This leads me to the NEWS FROM THE GODS that fell onto my eyes like clouds made of glitter today. CNN says that Oprah has made the best decision of her career by giving La Toya Jackson a reality show on OWN. Unfortunately, La Toya’s show isn’t a reality version of Murder She Wrote and doesn’t follow her as she solves crimes, but her show will still save the entire network. Oprah can thank Detective La Toya later. The thing is, La Toya’s show doesn’t air until 2013 and it hasn’t even started shooting yet. So why didn’t Randy and his band of plastic-faced kidnappers wait until La Toya’s show started shooting before they put their scheme into motion?

All the drama could’ve been captured in front of reality TV cameras and in the show’s season finale, La Toya could’ve rescued Katherine from her spa prison! You know, Detective La Toya would’ve gone undercover as a maid, snuck into Katherine’s room and escaped through the air conditioning vents before zip-lining across the property to a waiting helicopter. But noooo, Randy and those bitches would never let that happen, because they are jealous of La Toya and won’t ever let her be great. Selfish bitches!

The Voice Of Reason As Always

While most of the Jackson family wrestles each other on a mountain of Michael Jackson’s fortune, we’ve all been wondering where the only Jackson we care about has been. Where was La Toya Jackson? Was Detective La Toya so deep under cover that the only way to contact her was to pass notes to Bubbles? Did crazy Randy Jackson kidnap La Toya too after realizing that she’s the crown jewel of the Jackson family and the executors of MJ’s estate would hand over everything to get her back? Has La Toya been oblivious to all of this foolery, because she’s been holed up in a German plastic surgeon’s office getting another pair of rubber testicles installed in her cheeks? The correct answer is: None of those!

TMZ says that La Toya has been missing in action, because she’s been too busy thinking with her brain unlike the others. La Toya is reading all the Jacksons and is telling them to turn down the crazy and stop fighting in public. TMZ’s source says that La Toya isn’t taking sides and is shaking her head at her brothers and sisters being fame whores by putting their family disputes in front of the cameras. La Toya has told all of them to handle this far away from the media.

Yes, La Toya is coming out of this as the sane one. You should probably hold on to something sturdy, because the sheer force of minds blowing over this will make the earth tip over. When La Toya looks deep into your insane eyes and tells you calmly that you’re a “crazy fame whore,” you need to start whistling out steam, because you’re a fucking kettle. It’s that serious.

In other Jackson family mess news, UsWeekly says that Katherine Jackson and TJ Jackson will file for joint guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince. As long as Katherine and TJ both agree to keep MJ’s kids far away from Jermaine’s scary hard nipples, this could work.

Katherine Jackson Was Just On A Short Vacation, Okay?

While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie’s daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News’ cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I’ve ever seen.

A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn’t want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here’s a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn’t write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:

Hello, I’m Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.

I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It’s very stupid for people to think that.

But anyway, I am devastated that while I’ve been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I’m coming home to see about that, also.

So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children — and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them — and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don’t know who did that but they don’t have that power and they shouldn’t have done it.

And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it’s probably not healthy because the cook is not there.

But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they’re waiting for me to come.

And I told him it wasn’t necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. … I don’t know who instructed him to do that — but that’s what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who’s doing that and who’s behind that.

But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say … that I’m here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.

One reason I haven’t called is I just gave up my phone and I didn’t want to have any phone calls while I was here.

That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I’m legally required to take care of and didn’t tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they’re still breathing, that’s me trying to get them taken away from me so I don’t have to deal with their asses. I wouldn’t be devastated, I’d be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I’m staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.

I can’t blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson’s Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That’s almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.