Grandma’s Coming Home (UPDATE: Katherine’s Out, TJ’s In)

Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson’s estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she’s coming back home.

TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ’s estate off their thrones and take over.  Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn’t going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito’s son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ’s kids.

Radar says that after TJ made it clear he’s going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids’ legal caretaker.

Randy went on Al Sharpton’s MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson’s will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ’s sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ’s estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked “heaven,” all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won’t get shit.

The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, “You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!”

UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine’s guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!

TJ Jackson Wants Temporary Guardianship Of Michael Jackson’s Kids (UPDATE)

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson’s Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito’s son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she’s going to beat Rebbie’s ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he’s expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson’s Estate and MJ’s kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we’re talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn’t in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson’s luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don’t say anything, but she’s deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don’t blow her cover!

UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ’s Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ’s will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn’t playing anymore and she’s so going to get him for this.

The Jackson Family Is Still A Mess

TMZ says that this picture was taken outside of the Jackson family compound in Calabasas, CA and shows Janet Jackson screaming some shit at Jermaine Jackson after the cops showed up to the house. If you put your ear to that picture, you can almost hear Janet screaming, “No, my first name ain’t Baby. It’s Janet!”

The L.A. County Sheriff’s department showed up to the house yesterday, because one unnamed Jackson accused another unnamed Jackson of whoopin’ their ass. Oh, it was probably just Killer Joe Jackson whipping another Jackson in the mouth with his belt for not passing the remote control fast enough… or for looking at him funny… or for not having his money on time… or for speaking without permission…or for being one of his kids. You know how Joe is. TMZ doesn’t say which Jacksons were involved, but the fight could’ve been because of the Jackson family’s latest messy situation.

Janet, Jermaine, Randy and two other Jackson kids are trying to unseat the current executors of Michael Jackson’s estate. They sent a letter asking the executors to kindly suck on a cold asshole as they exit stage left. Michael Jackson didn’t even leave his brothers and sisters a drop of Jesus Juice in his will, so some say they’re trying to get their claws on that money. One of Radar’s sources said this:

“Katherine is currently in Arizona with Rebbie and is being pressured by Randy and Jermaine to go public with her dissatisfaction with the executors of Michael’s estate. Remember, Michael intentionally left all of his siblings out of his will, and that absolutely infuriates Jermaine and Randy who are both desperate for cash.

Katherine actually dropped her contesting of the will at the behest of these same children who got her to fire Burt Levitch, a lawyer who was challenging the will, and hire Adam Streisand, a lawyer who immediately withdrew the objections and let all time delays run. These are the very same kids, along with Janet, who signed a letter recently criticizing advisors and her current counsel, Perry Sanders, for NOT challenging the will. They themselves were responsible for dropping the prior challenge and letting crucial deadlines run long before Sanders was hired. Not only do they refuse to take responsibility for having the initial challenge dropped, they now want to rewrite history and act as if someone new is causing the problem. However, the children are in her ear 24/7, so it’s possible that they could be successful in influencing Katherine to do something.

The siblings’ motivation for this very public battle with the executors is all about money, that is all. They are determined to do whatever it takes to try and gain access to the money.”

This is the reason why Katherine Jackson is hiding out in Arizona, and the executors of MJ’s estate believe the kids moved her there to brainwash her against them. It gets even MORE dramatic and I swear it’s like Oliver Stone is directing the latest Jackson family disaster.

Katherine Jackson’s lawyer issued a statement to TMZ this morning claiming that for the past 3 years, several of her kids have been concocting a “diabolical plan” (cut to Detective La Toya raising her monocle to her eye) to push her and her grandchildren out of their Calabasas mansion. The statement is long and it’s best if you read it in the mysterious yet soothing voice of Keith Morrison.

“Yesterday afternoon certain Jackson family members ambushed Katherine Jackson’s home after their vehicle tore through security gates on the tails of the SUV containing Michael Jackson’s children. After exiting their vehicles, Jackson family members ran up to Michael’s children as they yelled and began to aggressively grab at the cell phones in their hands. Out of concern for the well being of Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, the children were forced to temporarily leave their home and taken to a safe location. An altercation ensued shortly thereafter and law enforcement arrived at the scene.

Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson have not heard from their grandmother since she left their home nine days ago to attend a series of her sons’ concerts on their Unity Tour. She never made the shows. Despite efforts to interview Katherine Jackson at her current location in Arizona yesterday, Los Angeles County Sheriffs confirmed that they were denied access to Mrs. Jackson by security for one of her children. We are acutely concerned about the welfare of Mrs. Jackson, and most particularly with Michael’s minor children.

We are concerned that we do what we can to protect them from undue influences, bullying, greed, and other unfortunate circumstances. While we do not have standing to directly intervene, we have monitored the situation and will continue to do so. We believe measures are being put in place that will help protect them from what they are having to deal with.”

And here’s some video from GMA this morning of Janet and Jermaine Randy getting crazy at the house:

Crashing through gates? Snatching cell phones from children? Isn’t that a mission on Grand Theft Auto: Calabasas? Why are these bitches so crazy? Why are these bitches so dramatic? Don’t get me wrong, I love a bitch who can concoct a good diabolical plan, but if Randy and Jermaine spent as much time on actually working as they have on concocting diabolical plans, their careers might not be floating on a lake of toilet water. Is it really that serious? Can’t they just stop the crazy, join hands and sing Heal the World together?

Seriously, Snuggie Jackson deserves better than this.

Katherine Jackson Is Not Missing

While I sipped from a plastic cup full of Yellow Tail sparkling wine on the lawn of a Williamstown, MA hotel next to some annoying ass little brats playing Marco Polo in the hot tub (Tip of the day: If you want to play the worst game of Marco Polo EVER, play it in a hot tub. Who does that?), J. Harvey posted about how the Jackson family were really close to putting a picture of Katherine Jackson on the back of every carton of Jesus Juice. They couldn’t find the reigning matriarch of the Jackson family and even filed a missing persons report with the LAPD. But Detective La Toya can put down her magnifying glass and stop running around the streets of Europe while screaming (in an Ashley Judd voice), “WHERE IS MY MOM?!!!“

The Washington Post says that the LAPD called off a search yesterday after they talked to Katherine Jackson who’s in Arizona with Rebbie Jackson. The story goes that Katherine’s doctor told her to rest and stay away from the phone, so she packed up her restin’ wig and headed to Arizona. That is why she has not called any of the children she’s legally required to take care of.

I love how Katherine Jackson isn’t even trying to get a fuck and has forced Paris Jackson to spread the foolery on Twitter. Memaw Katherine didn’t leave a note and didn’t even fill a giant bowl with Cheerios and milk so her grandchildren have something to nibble on for nourishment while she’s away. None of that. Sometimes a memaw just really needs to drop off the face of her grandchildrens’ lives to smooth her splintery nerves on the sweet moves Rebbie Jackson throws down while performing an acoustic version of Centipede in the rec room.

Katherine Jackson might not be missing, but whatever is left of my soul is after I died for five seconds while looking at that picture of her in a side-eye showdown with Toy Toy.

Katherine Jackson, Phone Home

Something in the Jesus Juice ain’t clean. An unnamed nephew of Katherine Jackson filed a missing person report with the LAPD last night. I don’t know any of the facts or even what’s going on until I read the source but I automatically blame the husband. Joe Jackson looks like the most malicious, conniving, squatting toad ever, and the type of person who would buy a stolen baby on a soap opera and then sell it to the mother’s best friend. I watch the remnants of ABC Daytime. I know what goes on.

TMZ sez that Mrs. Jackson’s grandchillun have been unable to reach her for over a week. Paris Jackson has been Tweeting about how Gramma is evidently holed up with Carmen Sandiego at an undisclosed location somewhere and it’s scaring her people.

TMZ:

“yes, my grandmother is missing. i haven’t spoken with her in a week i want her home now.”

She followed that up with a plea for people to call the authorities if they see her, then added, “the same doctor that testified on behalf of dr murray saying my father was a drug addict (a lie) is caring for my grandmother… just saying.”

I’ll move past Paris stating MJ didn’t have a drug problem. Also note that Katherine’s legal eagle told CNN that she doesn’t go 24 hours without checking in on Paris, Quilt, and the rest.

This is all oddly timed. Some of the Jackson kids are currently trying to get the executors of MJ’s estate to step down citing mismanagement, and the kids are claiming that Katherine suffered a small stroke from all the stress. Jermaine Jackson was telling people earlier this week that she was resting in Arizona under doctor’s orders. So – a good portion of the family isn’t feeling that story? Jermajesty, come get your lyin’ ass daddy.

The cops are taking this seriously, too. They’re trying to reach the old gal, and are publicly urging her to get on the clamshell and let them know she’s not in a basement somewhere with someone putting a pen in her hand and puppeteering her signature on shit.

If there was ever a time for Detective LaToya Jackson to suit up and grab her magnifying glass, it’s now. Find Momma J, Toy Toy!

In other news, the Jackson kids must be relieved that their gross Dad was the one beating them. Because Katherine’s got HAND. Imagine that walloping your face?

She’s A Really Good Sport

Merry Christmas, here’s a chillingly accurate reminder of your dead son. Mrs. Jackson has always struck me a kindly old woman trying to stay a kindly old woman whilst surrounded by various crazies (Detective LaToya) and assholes (her husband, Detective LaToya). She probably gives stellar hugs, you know? Sure, she’ll pose with someone representing what is surely one of her most painful memories if you want her to. She’d probably pose with a Dr. Conrad Murray impersonator wielding a syringe if it keeps the peace and lets her get back to her stories.