Conrad Murray Alleges Joe Jackson Chemically Castrated Michael Jackson

I hope you’ve enjoyed your day so far, because it’s about to get gross and dark. Happy Thursday!

Conrad Murray, the shady doctor who served two years for manslaughtering Michael Jackson, is back with a message. And it is not a pleasant one. As you may be aware, the patriarch of the Jackson family, Joe Jackson, recently died. Well, Conrad heard about the death and he had some words to say about it. Continue reading

Joe Jackson Has Died

Pimp Mama Kris, Dina and Michael Lohan, and all the other pimp managers out there better raise their canes and lower the pimp feather in their pimp hat at half-mast, because one of the masters of the game is now dead. TMZ says Joe Jackson died early at around 3:30 this morning in L.A. at a hospice in Las Vegas. He was about a month away from turning 90.

Continue reading

Joe Jackson Is Reportedly In The Hospital With Terminal Cancer

A few years ago it was reported that 89-year-old Joe Jackson, patriarch of the Jackson Family dynasty of entertainers and Tito, was starting to feel his years. Joe had checked into a Brazilian hospital after suffering a stroke, where he then suffered three heart attacks. And then Joe got better, but that was short lived. According to TMZ, Joe Jackson is currently in the hospital with a terminal case of cancer.

Sources say that Katherine Jackson has been by his side recently. Some of Joe’s kids and grandkids have made a visit. Doctors have reportedly been real with the Jackson family about Joe’s diagnosis. Sources don’t know how much time he’s been given, but they say Joe’s cancer can’t be treated and is in the final stages. Because TMZ’s source doesn’t appear to know that much about the details of the situation, that leads me to believe their source clearly isn’t the family gossip Randy Jackson.

This is the kind of news that will either make you want to send a Get Well Soon card or…whatever the opposite of a Get Well Soon card might be. Joe Jackson is either an entertainment legend or a Nightmare Father Hall of Famer, or both. But I’m sure Joe Jackson isn’t letting cancer mess with his pimp game. I bet he’s already wrangled a bunch of male nurses into a singing group called Joe Jackson’s Oncology Floor Four.

Pic: Wenn.com

Joe Jackson Is Old And On Twitter Posting Video Messages To The Grandkids With Expected Results

Eventually, even scary monsters get old, start losing their teeth and never remember where they left their reading glasses (they’re on top of your head, you old gargoyle!). Joe Jackson is no exception. At 89 the former alleged family pimp slapper comes off as a harmless, doddering old grandpappy. And somebody has taught the old man to tweet! Joe recently posted a video message for his grandson Blanket and as TMZ points out, Joe may have had himself a little “senior moment” and gotten Blanket confused with his other grandson Prince Michael, who recently had a motorcycle accident.

Continue reading

Joe Jackson Had A Stroke And Three Heart Attacks

Joe Jackson, one of the original child star pimps who makes Dina Lohan look like Marion Cunningham, nearly left the earth on Sunday after having a stroke in Brazil. The stroke left Joe temporarily blind and if that wasn’t enough, his heart stopped during surgery. Joe is in Brazil because a company called Nexxing threw him an 87th birthday party and invited him. Oh, Brazil, you’ve taken “come to Brazil” way too far when you’re telling Joe Jackson to come to Brazil.

TMZ says that Detective La Toya Jackson’s dad woke up on Sunday with the dizzies and he couldn’t see. He was taken to the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo where doctors ran tests on him. The doctors reportedly discovered that an artery behind his eye busted and that’s what caused him to have a stroke and lose his eyesight. While in the hospital, he had three heart attacks including one during surgery. But it’s going to take more than one stroke and three heart attacks to send Joe Jackson to the afterworld. Joe Jackson pulled out one of his signature switches and shooed the Grim Reaper away by waving his weapon of choice at it.

TMZ says that doctors put a pacemaker in Joe and so far, he’s on his way to a full recovery. Joe can see again and his speech wasn’t affected at all. He’s even “cracking jokes” in his hospital bed. 87-year-old Joe has had several strokes before and the most recent one was in 2012. So there you go, Joe Jackson still lives!

And here’s Joe and his “girlfriend,” who is giving me lot lizard Carmen Electra, visiting the CT Corinthians football club in São Paulo on Friday.

Pics: Splash

The IRS Wants $702 Million From The Michael Jackson Estate

Both The Los Angeles Times and TMZ say that the last government agency you should fuck with, the IRS, hit the Michael Jackson Estate with a bill for hundreds of millions of dollars. The IRS claims that Michael Jackson’s Estate lied about his net worth when he died and now they want $702 million in taxes and fines. Run, Jackson Family, ruuuuun, flee to Switzerland while you still can! Blanket and Detective La Toya are too fragile and delicate for prison!

In documents filed with the U.S. Tax Court in Washington, the IRS claims that the executors of Michael Jackson’s estate claimed that he was worth $7 million at the time of his death in 2009. According to the IRS, Michael Jackson was worth just a little bit more than $7 million. The IRS says that he was actually worth $1.125 billion. Wooops, bitch. That’s what the Jacksons get for letting Bubbles do their accounting #nodissrespecttobubbles. The IRS says that the Michael Jackson Estate owes taxpayers $505 million in unpaid taxes and $197 million in fines. To show the Jackson Estate that they aren’t fucking around, the IRS doubled the tax penalty from 20% to 40%. Michael Jackson’s tax return was so inaccurate, which is why they’ve been hit with that gross valuation misstatement penalty. The L.A. Times breaks down what the IRS claim was underreported.

Michael Jackson’s image:

His estate claims it’s valued at only $2,105.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $434.264 million.

Michael Jackson’s interest in the trust that owns the catalog of his own songs and the Beatles’ songs:

His estate claims it’s valued at ZERO dollars and ZERO cents.
The IRS claims it’s valued at $469 million.

During the wrongful death suit, a public accountant testified that Michael Jackson took out a $320 million loan against the music catalog. The IRS also says that another trust his Estate claims is worth $2.2 million is actually worth $60.6 million. MJ’s Estate stated that the Jackson 5 master recordings are valued at $11.2 million, but the IRS thinks they’re valued at $45.5 million.

The L.A. Times says that the Estate’s lawyers will definitely smear Vaseline all over their faces and fight this to the end. They will probably argue that at the time of his death, Michael Jackson hadn’t toured and he hadn’t put out an album and the child molestation scandal ruined his reputation, so his image wasn’t worth nearly $434 million. Most inheritance tax disputes are settled before going to court, but the L.A Times thinks that the Jackson Estate is ready to go to trial, because they’ve hired the top tax litigators in L.A.

Yes, $702 million is a shit load of money (“Speak for yourself, poor!” – Oprah), but the Jacksons can easily pay it off by doing the following:

– Sell bottles of Detective La Toya’s air kisses at $100 each.
Estimated profit: $219 million

– Chop off Blanket Jackson’s luxurious mane (I know, I should be arrested for even typing that) and sell it to weave companies.
Estimated profit: $310 million

– Sell Jermaine Jackson’s hairline to science.
Estimated profit: $5

– Make Rebbie Jackson perform the greatest Jackson song of all-time “Centipede“ at birthday parties, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc..
Estimated Profit: $456 million

– Put up a Kickstarter to send Joe Jackson on a one-way trip to space.
Estimated profit (after the cost of the space trip): $999 million

Estimated total profit: $1.989 billion!

See, and they’ll still have a bunch of money leftover after they pay the taxes on their profits. And yes, after looking at my gross valuation of estimated profits, I’m beginning to think that I was the Jackson Estate accountant.