Ice-T, a man who has played a New York City cop for years on Law & Order: SVU, insisted a few weeks ago that he’d never eaten a bagel nor drank a cup of coffee. The coffee I could understand; his name is Ice-T, after all. But the bagel? Who’s never eaten a bagel? It turns out that it could’ve all been a stunt for a dating app.
A video was released this week of the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Ice-T finally eating a coffee and drinking coffee. Ice-T drank his coffee black, something a coffee virgin should never do, and wasn’t a fan, describing it like “water…with another taste kicked in later.” Ice-T tried a plain bagel with cream cheese, and said it felt like he ate a loaf of bread. He was then given a bagel with lox, which he claims one of his “Jewish homeboys” informed him was a classic way to eat a bagel.
After Ice-T was done with allegedly breaking his coffee and bagel cherry, he pulled back the curtain and admitted the real reason why he was there. He was there for the commercial for the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel, which you may know from Shark Tank. What are the chances that a dating app called Coffee Meets Bagel exists in the same world with a celebrity who has never tried either and will accept money for an endorsement? I’m not calling Ice-T a liar, but I am saying someone should hook his stomach up to a lie detector test.
The Twitter was in a frenzy yesterday over Ice-T announcing that he has never in his entire life eaten a bagel, despite being an actor playing a New York cop (three instant qualifiers for the consumption of bagels, one would think) on Law & Order: SVU for the past 18 years. And while we’re on the subject, Ice says says has also never had a cup of coffee in his entire life. Ice, why you gotta blow our minds like that?
I like to imagine that’s the same look the ghost of Ice-T past would give to present day Ice-T if he heard this news. Like, “Are we really too broke to afford $2.75 in loose change?” It’s not a situation of brokeness, but more of one in which Ice-T skipped through thinking he had a toll transmitter device on him.
TMZ says Ice-T was arrested this morning by Port Authority police for toll evasion. Ice was making his way toward the George Washington Bridge from the New Jersey side when he reportedly tried crossing his new McLaren sports car into the E-ZPass lane. He thought he had an E-ZPass transmitter in his car that prepays for the toll, but there was no transmitter in hi vehicle. Ice-T kept on driving, and that’s when police pulled him over for skipping out on his toll.
Ice-T tells TMZ that he’s got seven E-ZPasses at home, and that he forgot to put one in his new car, that was just shipped to him from California. Ice was telling the truth about that; the car was so new, it wasn’t even registered yet.
So police arrested him for toll evasion and gave him a ticket for driving an unregistered vehicle. Ice says police released him and he drove to the Law & Order: SVU set, where he was originally headed. Or was he released? Ice-T plays such a convincing cop, I wouldn’t be surprised if he successfully bamboozled them out of his arrest by pretending to be one of them. “Good job fellas, another scumbag perp off the streets. Hey, I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get a coffee. And while I’m there, I’ll just drop these McLaren keys off into evidence…”
But of course this could only be Lady Gaga. While others might think, “You know, maybe this year I’ll walk up the red carpet in a piece that makes it looks like I’m trying to cover up all the hair I lost after leaving my at-home highlighting kit on for too long,” Lady Gaga goes out and does it. She tells her stylist to make her look like a 73-year-old balding hippie who refuses to face the music about their hair situation, and she wears it with pride! As for her outfit, well that’s another story all together.
Don’t worry about that dude behind Coco. Coco’s minions always carry around a fainting couch because everywhere she goes, men, women, children, animals and a few inanimate objects pass out from being exposed to that much elegance, perfection and grace. So as soon as that guy began the fainting process by closing his eyes, I’m sure one of her assistants rolled a couch behind him.
Coco, whose legendary camel toe decided to pull back a little last night, sashayed into Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in NYC with her glorious titty balls trying to use all their strength to HULK SMASH through those strings. Those strings must’ve been made with Teflon, kryptonite and a blessing from God because they are holding on. Chichis looking like two big-headed toddlers trying to headbutt their way out of a playpen.
Most would say that Coco wore a slutty referee costume from Yandy, but I say that Coco wore a slutty Footlocker employee costume from Yandy. Although, Ice -T went as a prison inmate, so there’s a chance that they could’ve coordinated their costumes and Coco actually dressed up as some kind of slutty prison house aerobics instructor. Whatever the case may be, Coco still filled that party up to the top with her beauty.
Here’s more of the tricks who showed up to Heidi Klum’s Halloween party, and yes, 99% of them wore a better costume than Heidi did. Bethenny Frankel, as a Dollar General Catwoman with rabies, is the 1%.
37 years ago, a glitter-covered oyster floated to the surface of the ocean and the waves carried it to the end of a rainbow where two unicorns were raw dog fucking in the air. Just as the oyster opened up to reveal a shiny pink pearl inside, the man unicorn pulled out and came all over it, which transformed the pink pearl into the otherworldly goddess we know as CoCo! (That’s a 100% true story, by the way). The entire world should celebrate the birth of the ageless angel with one, big camel toe parade, but since the world doesn’t know shit, CoCo had to celebrate her birthday at some club in Las Vegas over the weekend.
CoCo blew chunks of elegance into the eyes of the people when she worked the carpet with her man Ice-T. CoCo redefined sophistication by wearing a Versayce dress that could barely hold in her spectacular titty globes. Yes, that dress was made by Versace, apparently. It really does take a certain juh-nay-say-kwa to make an elegant dress that probably cost thousands of dollars look like it was pulled off of the floor under a clearance rack at a hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Reno. Only CoCo! Only CoCo!