The Twitter was in a frenzy yesterday over Ice-T announcing that he has never in his entire life eaten a bagel, despite being an actor playing a New York cop (three instant qualifiers for the consumption of bagels, one would think) on Law & Order: SVU for the past 18 years. And while we’re on the subject, Ice says says has also never had a cup of coffee in his entire life. Ice, why you gotta blow our minds like that?
I like to imagine that’s the same look the ghost of Ice-T past would give to present day Ice-T if he heard this news. Like, “Are we really too broke to afford $2.75 in loose change?” It’s not a situation of brokeness, but more of one in which Ice-T skipped through thinking he had a toll transmitter device on him.
TMZ says Ice-T was arrested this morning by Port Authority police for toll evasion. Ice was making his way toward the George Washington Bridge from the New Jersey side when he reportedly tried crossing his new McLaren sports car into the E-ZPass lane. He thought he had an E-ZPass transmitter in his car that prepays for the toll, but there was no transmitter in hi vehicle. Ice-T kept on driving, and that’s when police pulled him over for skipping out on his toll.
Ice-T tells TMZ that he’s got seven E-ZPasses at home, and that he forgot to put one in his new car, that was just shipped to him from California. Ice was telling the truth about that; the car was so new, it wasn’t even registered yet.
So police arrested him for toll evasion and gave him a ticket for driving an unregistered vehicle. Ice says police released him and he drove to the Law & Order: SVU set, where he was originally headed. Or was he released? Ice-T plays such a convincing cop, I wouldn’t be surprised if he successfully bamboozled them out of his arrest by pretending to be one of them. “Good job fellas, another scumbag perp off the streets. Hey, I’ll be right back, I’m gonna get a coffee. And while I’m there, I’ll just drop these McLaren keys off into evidence…”
But of course this could only be Lady Gaga. While others might think, “You know, maybe this year I’ll walk up the red carpet in a piece that makes it looks like I’m trying to cover up all the hair I lost after leaving my at-home highlighting kit on for too long,” Lady Gaga goes out and does it. She tells her stylist to make her look like a 73-year-old balding hippie who refuses to face the music about their hair situation, and she wears it with pride! As for her outfit, well that’s another story all together.
Don’t worry about that dude behind Coco. Coco’s minions always carry around a fainting couch because everywhere she goes, men, women, children, animals and a few inanimate objects pass out from being exposed to that much elegance, perfection and grace. So as soon as that guy began the fainting process by closing his eyes, I’m sure one of her assistants rolled a couch behind him.
Coco, whose legendary camel toe decided to pull back a little last night, sashayed into Heidi Klum’s Halloween party in NYC with her glorious titty balls trying to use all their strength to HULK SMASH through those strings. Those strings must’ve been made with Teflon, kryptonite and a blessing from God because they are holding on. Chichis looking like two big-headed toddlers trying to headbutt their way out of a playpen.
Most would say that Coco wore a slutty referee costume from Yandy, but I say that Coco wore a slutty Footlocker employee costume from Yandy. Although, Ice -T went as a prison inmate, so there’s a chance that they could’ve coordinated their costumes and Coco actually dressed up as some kind of slutty prison house aerobics instructor. Whatever the case may be, Coco still filled that party up to the top with her beauty.
Here’s more of the tricks who showed up to Heidi Klum’s Halloween party, and yes, 99% of them wore a better costume than Heidi did. Bethenny Frankel, as a Dollar General Catwoman with rabies, is the 1%.
37 years ago, a glitter-covered oyster floated to the surface of the ocean and the waves carried it to the end of a rainbow where two unicorns were raw dog fucking in the air. Just as the oyster opened up to reveal a shiny pink pearl inside, the man unicorn pulled out and came all over it, which transformed the pink pearl into the otherworldly goddess we know as CoCo! (That’s a 100% true story, by the way). The entire world should celebrate the birth of the ageless angel with one, big camel toe parade, but since the world doesn’t know shit, CoCo had to celebrate her birthday at some club in Las Vegas over the weekend.
CoCo blew chunks of elegance into the eyes of the people when she worked the carpet with her man Ice-T. CoCo redefined sophistication by wearing a Versayce dress that could barely hold in her spectacular titty globes. Yes, that dress was made by Versace, apparently. It really does take a certain juh-nay-say-kwa to make an elegant dress that probably cost thousands of dollars look like it was pulled off of the floor under a clearance rack at a hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Reno. Only CoCo! Only CoCo!
Go ahead and flip to December 25th on your calendars and scratch out the words “Christmas Day, ” because our new savior has been born. November 28th is our new Christmas! People says that today, CoCo, our modern day Virgin Mary and the reigning Empress of the Camel Toes, gave birth to our new messiah. CoCo and Ice-T are now parents to a baby girl. Praise our new elegant messiah!
36-year-old CoCo and 57-year-old Ice-T announced a while ago that they were giving their first child together a name as elegant as them.
The couple welcomed their first child together, daughter Chanel Nicole, on Saturday, Nov. 28, their rep confirms to PEOPLE. Born at 11:47 a.m. in Englewood, New Jersey, the baby girl weighed in at 5 lbs., 7 oz.
Baby Chanel is the couple’s first child together and the third for Ice-T, 57, who is already father to adult children Tracy and Letesha from previous relationships.
“5lbs, 7 oz” must be a typo. I mean, that gorgeous portrait of CoCo in demure maternity wear was taken during her 36th week. I know, I’m zero weeks knocked up and after the eating holiday I’ve had, I look 36 weeks pregnant more than her ass does. So, I’m guessing that she gave birth to a tiny jewel of a baby who’s about the size of her French tip and weighs less than a swan’s breath.
CoCo also tweeted a picture of the luckiest baby in the world.
Surprise!!! Look who came early!! Welcome the new arrival of Chanel Nicole.. A beautiful healthy 5.7 pound baby girl pic.twitter.com/fufB3vorHM
— Coco (@cocosworld) November 28, 2015
Chanel Nicole is definitely saying to herself, “Oh my GOD, I can’t believe how GORGEOUS my mother is!’ Congratulations to Chanel Nicole for getting to have CoCo as a mother! And congratulations to us all, because CoCo and Ice-T will definitely teach Chanel Nicole how to be as elegant as them and this world definitely needs more elegance in it.