In 2013, Justin Bieber brought his hood rat stuff shenanigans to Buenos Aires when he allegedly got all Fat Sam in Bugsy Malone by ordering one of his goons (aka bodyguards) to beat up a paparazzo outside of a club. The police wanted to question him, but he and his bodyguard busted out of Argentina. In November 2014, a judge ordered the Biebes back to Buenos Aires for questioning, but since ain’t nobody gonna tell the leader of the Wild Boyz what to do, he dropped a rebel toddler fart on that request. The judge eventually issued a warrant in April 2015 and that messed with the Biebs’ planned stop in Argentina on his Purpose world tour. The warrant was later canceled. And that takes us today when the judge in Buenos Aires officially let the world know that they’re not done with the Biebs. They charged him. Great, tonight when Justin Bieber strolls into the club in his great auntie’s fur coat, he’s going to really puff up his chest something extra now that he’s an international criminal and shit. Continue reading
So, today, we’ve written about Afroman, Xander from Buffy, Tom DeLonge and now I’m writing about Vanilla Ice. Fuck who ever owns Alisted.com, because if it wasn’t taken I’d change Dlisted’s name to that.
CNN says that Iggy Azalea’s spirit animal was arrested in Lantana, FL today after he allegedly stole a pool heater and some furniture from a house that’s going through foreclosure. Yup, all of that sounds about right. Vanilla Ice (born name: Robert Van Winkle, which to me still sounds like the name of a wholesome narrator of a children’s Christmas special in the 60s) was renovating a house while shooting an episode of his show The Vanilla Ice Project for the DIY Network when he thought it would be okay for him to steal some shit from a nearby house that nobody was living in.
The burglary happened sometime between December and February. The owner of the house found out about it and called the police. Some of the stuff Vanilla Ice stole was found and recovered. He was charged with grand theft and burglary. Above is his mug shot, which looks like Frankenstein’s monster if Frankenstein made his monster using a douche bag and an Ed Hardy energy drink. The Lantana PD pushed out this statement:
“During the investigation, it was determined Robert Matthew Van Winkle played a role in the burglary and theft. Mr. Van Winkle is currently renovating the residence adjacent to the property in which the items were stolen. A search warrant was obtained and executed in unincorporated Palm Beach County in which several of the stolen items were recovered at a residence under the care and control of Robert Van Winkle.”
“Um, can we also press charges against this ass for grand theft,” asked David Bowie and Queen.
I bet everyone who said that Vanilla Ice was a fake and wasn’t hard are squirting ketchup all over their words and getting ready to eat them, because he has proven that he is about that life. Because nothing is harder than stealing a pool heater from a house in a Florida subdivision for a home renovation show. Latarian Milton is bowing down, because this is stage 10 hood rat stuff.
And you’ll most likely read this exact same story again in a few more years, but instead of being about Vanilla Ice, it will be about that swagmeister Justin Bieber.
The little brats on the park playground who give Justin Bieber a wedgie when he’s hanging upside down on the jungle gym better bow down and pay respect the next time he waddles onto the sand, because he’s a bona fide international hood rat stuff crime boss now that he’s been busted for doing bad things in three different places. The Biebs is being investigated in L.A. for run-by egging his neighbor’s house, he’s being investigated in Miami for drunken drag racing and now he’s been charged in Toronto for whooping a limo driver’s ass in December. Wild Boyz are taking over the world! When they come to your door and demand that you give them 15 Goldfish crackers to live in their turf, you better give it to them or they’ll start crying and throw a tantrum and trust me you don’t want that.
CBC News says that on December 29th, a limo driver picked up the Biebs and his entourage of douche scabs at the Air Canada Centre and shortly afterward some kind of fight went down. The police were called and they originally thought that one of the Biebs’ bitches beat on the limo driver. But I guess the police realized that one of Justin’s hos was covering up for him, because they wanted to speak to him. They scheduled an interview with him, but since he’s about as cooperative as a giant hemorrhoid covering my b-hole, he didn’t show. The police didn’t want to play around anymore, so they ordered the Biebs to show up to the 52 Division police station tonight. The Biebs showed up and they booked him for assault. He’ll be released and have to come back to Toronto for a hearing.
The only thing I’m taking away from this story is that Justin Bieber is in Canada right now. That’s half the battle. Close the borders! Shut down the gates! Lock him out while we still can! Actually, that’s not fair to Canada. How about we trade Justin Bieber for Rob Ford? If Rob Ford, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen lived in this country together, the nation’s entire supply of crack would dwindle and they’d start turning on each other. It’s the perfect plan.
In a bathroom at Justin Bieber’s house in Calabasas, CA early this morning, one member of the Wild Boyz nervously flushed dozens and dozens of eggs down the toilet while another member shoved whole huevos up Justin Bieber’s ass while screaming, “Spread ’em wider! Spread ’em wider! Like Usher taught you!” As the cops knocked on the front door, the leader of the Wild Boyz and his crew tried to get rid of all the evidence (eggidence?) of their egg attack on a neighbor’s house. HIDE ALL THE HUEVOS!
TMZ says that cops showed up to Justin Bieber’s house this morning with a felony search warrant in hand and started looking for any evidence they can use to connect him to the egging of his next door neighbor’s house. The cops are making The Biebs wait in his garage while they search his house, so push that cup of lukewarm caffeine aside and get high on the image of him in his drop-crotch footie pajamas pouting in the corner as the cops look for surveillance footage of the run-by egging and any eggs whose shells match the shells found at the scene of the crime. That last sentence sounds like the most riveting scene in Nick Jr.’s newest show CSI: Playground Jungle Gym.
You know this shit is serious, because there’s a battering ram at the scene. Or maybe TMZ got their info wrong and that battering ram is really a butt dildo that Kim Kardashian ordered and it’s slowly making its way to Pimp Mama Kris‘ house.
TMZ says that if the cops find anything illegal, including the bad shit, they could use it against The Biebs. Well, that twat zit is screwed, because they’ll charge him with committing assault on eyeballs when they find hundreds of pairs of diaper pants and they’ll charge him with committing assault on ears when they find his un-auto-tuned demo tracks.
We can all laugh at Justin Beiber facing prison time for egging, but this is just the street cred he needs to finally be taken seriously as the hardest hood rat thug in the game. All the murderers and gang members of the cell block will bow down to Justin Bieber when they find out he’s in there for assaulting his neighbor’s house with eggs. The Eggfather IS about that life.
UPDATE: The cops say that they gathered a bunch of evidence and they’re going to look at it before they decide what to do next. Justin Bieber’s moocher Lil Za was caught with coke at the scene. He was arrested for felony drug possession and he was also arrested for giving himself the nickname Lil Za.
(Pic via Instagram)
Justin Bieber’s initiation process for the Wild Kidz Club is more involved than I thought, but I guess it takes a lot to impress President Bart Simpson, Vice President Dennis the Menace, and Treasurer Latarian Milton. Pretending to smoke Popeye candy cigarettes isn’t going to cut it; you gotta grow out a teen ‘stache, spray paint a swear, and egg a house before you’re allowed to roll with the big dawgz.
Since Justin Bieber is convinced he’s the real-life version of Angry Boys, it should come as no surprise that TMZ is reporting The Tantrum Toddler spent last night whipping eggs at his neighbor’s house:
TMZ spoke to the neighbor who says he heard something banging against his house in Calabasas around 7:30 PM Thursday, and when he stepped on to a 2nd floor balcony … he says he saw Justin down below hurling eggs at his front door.
According to the neighbor … Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”
Justin and the neighbor — who’ve had previous run-ins — also got into a verbal dispute while JB allegedly continued tossing a few more eggs at the house … and then retreated back to his home.
The hardcore egg felony was also caught on tape; the video doesn’t show Justin Bieber actually egging the house, but it doesn’t matter – I think we can all imagine what Justin Bieber looks like when he’s egging a house (basically this, but with more giggling).
Slow claps to the homeowner comes out and starts calling Baby Bieber a bitch and a mother fucker so many times and with such passion, it’s like he’s singing the Dlisted National Anthem. And a gold star goes to his daughter, who made me legitimately laugh she called the police and said “I’d like to place an assault”. She’s not wrong. I’d also like to place an assault on Justin Bieber, but I’ll pass, because I don’t want a child abuse charge on my criminal record (although I get the feeling that a reasonable jury would never convict me of my crimes).
(Pics via TMZ)
The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.
So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.
Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.
Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”
There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.
(Pic via TMZ)