Please Welcome To The Stage Your ‘Latarian Milton School Of Hoodrat Stuff’ Valedictorian Of 2013

The minute I read about Justin Bieber’s latest display of Muppet Babies Bad-Asserry, I threw up my arms in a manner identical to this GIF and knew that today was going to be a tough one for me. As one of you guessed yesterday (due to my butchering of the word ‘neighborhood’) I am a Canadian person. As such, for the past 4 years (or however long this misbehaved come-to-life Kewpie doll has been terrorizing culture) I have had to constantly apologize for Justin Bieber. So I’ll begin the same way I do any time the words “Justin Bieber” are mentioned: I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. Canada is so sorry.

So what has Justin Bieber done this time to prove to us that he’s a Class-1 Bad Boy? According to TMZ, Latarian Milton’s #1 Fan asked his bodyguard to go to the art store and buy him some spray paint (because you have to be over 18 to buy spray paint. “Shhhh! They don’t have to know it’s for me! I’m so bad!” – Justin) so he could express his feelings regarding Chris Brown’s trip to rehab through graffiti. Bieber’s really crummy-looking message of “FREE BREEZY” (which sounds like the Dollar Tree version of Febreze) was sprayed on a wall in Bogota, Colombia (my 3rd Grade Pen Pal lived there; her letters were sad) where street art is permitted, but you know he would have done it anyway even if it was illegal, because he’s so TOUGH.

Not being content with his eye-rolling defence of The Most Arrogant Man in the World (“I don’t always try to beat the shit out of people, but when I do…oh wait, no, I’m constantly trying to beat the shit out of people”) Justin Bieber embarrassed himself even further by spray painting a pot leaf with a maple leaf inside it and a tribute to his dead hamster, Pac. In case you were curious as to what that deafeningly-loud whoosh of air you just heard was, it was me releasing the most I Can’t-sounding sigh in the universe.

Justin Bieber is probably on Wikipedia right now editing his page to include ‘graffiti artist’ in his never-ending list of occupations. Fun fact! Along with Singer-songwriter, Musician, and Dancer, he also includes Actor (EXCUSE ME??) and Investor (HOLD LE PHONE). I think you now understand why I get tired of introducing myself as: “Hi, I’m Allison, and I too hope that one day Justin Bieber gets deported.”

There is one hero in this story and, no, it’s not the decaying body of Pac (who is breathing a sigh of relief up in Hammy Heaven and telling Saint Squeaker “Thank god I’m finally dead”). It’s whoever wrote ‘Chicken Shit’ underneath Justin’s ‘FREE BREEZY’. I don’t know if they were referring to Chris Brown or Justin Bieber, but either way, I need to hunt them down like the Predator and give them a giant hug.

(Pic via TMZ)

Justin Bieber Might Have Whooped His Neighbor’s Ass This Morning

Seen above walking through an airport in Lodz, Poland without a blouse on because toddlers get the coke sweats real bad, Justin Bieber is being investigated by the police in L.A. after he got into a messy screaming match with his neighbor outside of his mansion in Calabasas, CA at 9 this morning. The neighbor told the police that the thug chickenhawk got violent with him and threatened him.

TMZ says that The Lesbeater and his neighbor fought over one of his newest toys: a Ferrari. The Ferrari was delivered to Justin’s house last night while he was traveling home from Europe and this morning he played with it by driving it up and down the street. The sound got on his neighbor’s last nerve and he felt like Justin was endangering innocent lives by speeding down the street. The neighbor  went over to Justin’s house, got in his face and they started yelling at each other. The neighbor told police that Justin physically attacked him, but the Biebs denies it. A source says that Justin went inside and his security guards escorted the neighbor off of his property.

So, some brat with too much money is annoying everybody around him by being all loud while playing with his fancy toys? I’ve seen this movie before. It’s called Blank Check. We need Tone Loc to step in and stop the madness.

And if I got into a screaming fight of words with Justin Bieber’s tiny ass and he slapped me around and I didn’t slap back, the last thing I’d do is tell the police. I wouldn’t tell anyone. That’s like admitting that a 3’10”, 50lb girl named Amber grabbed you by the hair and dragged you back and forth across the playground in the third grade. (By the way, I’m not admitting that. Amber only dragged me by the hair across the playground once! Not back and forth!)

They Gon’ Catch Me Ridin’ Dirty

If you’re impressed with this, you should see his reverse cowgirl (right, Ushrrr?). While giving us the thug lite version of Mary Stuart Masterson in Bad Girls, Justin Bieber went horseback riding with his friends in North Hollywood, CA yesterday afternoon. Doesn’t it seem like it was just yesterday when he was riding a plastic horsey in front of a supermarket (“That’s because he was doing that yesterday.” – you) and here he is riding an actual big boy horse. They must put growing serum in sizzurp! Because….

TMZ says that there’s new pictures making the rounds of The Lesbeaver smoking a joint and in some of those pictures there’s a large bottle of codeine and a double cup of Lil Wayne’s beverage of choice sizzurp (codeine, sodie pop and a Jolly Rancher) on the table. Bieber’s sipping from the double cup in one of the pictures. A source type tells TMZ that Bieber doesn’t ever get high on sizzurp, so there must’ve been something else in that double cup. But the other pictures do show the Biebs clearly sucking on the good shit. The source says that many people close to Biebs think that his friends, Lil Twist and Lil Za, are tainting his innocence and leading him into the hood rat stuff way of life.

Sizzurp, really? Justin Bieber probably overdoses and passes out when he sucks on a Hall’s for too long, so I can only imagine what he’s like when he takes a sip of sizzurp. A drunk toddler is not the look. I bet those motherfuckers don’t even give him any sizzurp. They just give him a double cup of grape Fanta with a drop of baby Tylenol in it. He takes one sip and is like, “DAYUM, this shit is strong! I’m already fucked up!” Like they’re really going to waste sizzurp on his lightweight ass.

And we have Vanilla Ice to blame for this, because this is Vanilla Ice all over again. Damn you, Vanilla Ice, for selling franchises of your life to Canada!

Here’s more of the Biebs making faces like a first time bottom taking a nine incher while horseback riding yesterday.

Katt Williams Is The Gift That Keeps Giving And Giving And Giving And Giving…

LieLow better step up her fuck-up game, because Katt Williams is after her battered and bruised trophy. Just hours after he was released from jail for child endangerment charges, Katt hopped right back on the crazy train, hooked up with his manager Suge Knight and got his Keebler elf ass in a massive bar brawl. YES!!! THIS is how you celebrate the holidays RIGHT, bitches!

Actually, from the ass kicking video (a must see, along with his Target meltdown) you can see that Suge was the one who was throwing fists while Katt ran his ass behind a dumpster, as runt alley Katts are inclined to do when protecting the few lives they have left. Then Katt jumped in Suge’s SUV and Suge tried to mow down a parking lot full of people.

In yet another TMZ video, a guy is claiming that the SUV DID run him over and he wants Katt to pay for all his medical shit because his sawed off ass is the one who started the whole thing. The guy limped up to the reporters and said:

“Katt Williams is a punk. You talk shit and run? You a punk .. You taking all that shit, and you talk about you all that, and you run? Because of you, I got hit by the car!”

What a fucking mess. Hanging with Suge though, surely Katt didn’t expect to spend a lovely relaxing evening playing chess by the crackling fireplace while sipping Dom with his pinky extended. Dude doesn’t exactly have a reputation for keeping things calm and sophisticated.

TMZ (thanks TMZ for the one-stop shopping) also has video and a write-up from last night where a fresh out of the pokey Katt explains that his guns were on lock down and the illegal drug the cops are smoking in the evidence room as we speak was just weed, and not the hard shit. Um, okay Katt. Weed makes you too lazy to slap and run over tricks, you just want to eat them instead. But I guess we’ll take your word for it.

I don’t know why I wasted my Christmas bonus on toys for my kids when I could have just gotten them a Katt instead. He’s pocket sized and endlessly entertaining. Perfect. Thank you Katt, for making us all feel better about our lives and giving me something to write about besides Christina Hendricks’s hair. I hope you get your shit together, but I still have love for you.

The Today Show Gets A Double Visit From The C-Word

Normally when the Shakespearean word “cunt” pivots and leaps off of someone’s tongue on live TV, I get all warm instead because I know that it will land on the ears of people who have never heard it before. And that’s a beautiful thing. But this morning’s cunt bomb on Today was bittersweet, because it came from a 13-year-old girl who is a possible accomplice to a brutal beating of another girl over text messages. And the girl didn’t namedrop Heather Mills just once. Girl did it twice!

So yeah, a 13-year-old girl blows out the cunt word like they taught it to her in school (which they should) while talking about her involvement in a beating. Obviously, this girl was expelled from Latarian Milton’s Hood Rat Stuff Academy, because she took doing bad things to a whole new scary level.

Why oh why couldn’t this cunt bomb from a different 13-year-old girl? You know, I’m going to blame Meredith Vieira for this. She’s the one who should’ve done the cunt bomb honors. It should’ve come out of her mouth! She knew it was coming and she should’ve taken care of it herself. Damn you, Meredith! And yes, that’s my final answer.

via Gawker TV

The Don Draper Of Toddlers

EMBED-Ardi Rizal – The real SMOKING BABY !! – Watch more free videos

When I was 2-years-old I was still licking windows and chewing on bed skirts (some things never change), but this badass Indonesian butterball can work a cigarette like a grand master pimp.

This is 2-year-old Ardi Rizal and he smokes up to 40 ciggies a day thanks to his dad who gave him his first taste of nicotine at 14-months-old. I don’t whether to weep for his tiny lungs, or laugh at the thought of him rolling up to a group of smokers in his toy trunk to ask them for a hot fag.

Ardi’s mother says that her son’s habit costs the family around $5.50 a day and he only smokes one brand. Ardi’s mother cried as she said, “He’s totally addicted. If he doesn’t get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick.”

And it’s totally not weird when Ardi reaches for a pack of cigs after drinking from his mom’s tete or asks her for a light while she changes his diaper.

The government has agreed to give Ardi’s family a new car if he quits. But Ardi’s father, who is about to be named Person of the Century by the tobacco companies, doesn’t know what the big deal is, “He looks pretty healthy to me. I don’t see the problem.” Just so you know, Ardi’s father is legally blind and has no nostrils.

I don’t see the problem either. So he’ll get a voice box installed in his froat before he can make complete sentences. Regular talking is overrated! So he’ll probably start craving a little whiskey with his cigarette. Bottom shelf booze is cheaper that baby food!

But serious talk, the family should take that car from the government and drive Ardi into the jungle to be raised by wild monkeys. He’ll be better off.

via The Sun (Thanks James G.)