Yo, Lantana PD, Let’s Kick It!

February 18, 2015 / Posted by:

So, today, we’ve written about Afroman, Xander from Buffy, Tom DeLonge and now I’m writing about Vanilla Ice. Fuck who ever owns Alisted.com, because if it wasn’t taken I’d change Dlisted’s name to that.

CNN says that Iggy Azalea’s spirit animal was arrested in Lantana, FL today after he allegedly stole a pool heater and some furniture from a house that’s going through foreclosure. Yup, all of that sounds about right. Vanilla Ice (born name: Robert Van Winkle, which to me still sounds like the name of a wholesome narrator of a children’s Christmas special in the 60s) was renovating a house while shooting an episode of his show The Vanilla Ice Project for the DIY Network when he thought it would be okay for him to steal some shit from a nearby house that nobody was living in.

The burglary happened sometime between December and February. The owner of the house found out about it and called the police. Some of the stuff Vanilla Ice stole was found and recovered. He was charged with grand theft and burglary. Above is his mug shot, which looks like Frankenstein’s monster if Frankenstein made his monster using a douche bag and an Ed Hardy energy drink. The Lantana PD pushed out this statement:

“During the investigation, it was determined Robert Matthew Van Winkle played a role in the burglary and theft. Mr. Van Winkle is currently renovating the residence adjacent to the property in which the items were stolen. A search warrant was obtained and executed in unincorporated Palm Beach County in which several of the stolen items were recovered at a residence under the care and control of Robert Van Winkle.”

“Um, can we also press charges against this ass for grand theft,” asked David Bowie and Queen.

I bet everyone who said that Vanilla Ice was a fake and wasn’t hard are squirting ketchup all over their words and getting ready to eat them, because he has proven that he is about that life. Because nothing is harder than stealing a pool heater from a house in a Florida subdivision for a home renovation show. Latarian Milton is bowing down, because this is stage 10 hood rat stuff.

And you’ll most likely read this exact same story again in a few more years, but instead of being about Vanilla Ice, it will be about that swagmeister Justin Bieber.

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