NBC has made the decision to give us the Hedy to Single White Female’s Allie by creating a knock-off of the movie that’s probably going to be cheap, messy and a dog killer (because your dog will contemplate suicide as you force the poor thing to watch the Single White Female TV show with you).
Telephone operators should expect to be flooded with thousands of calls from oldies who demand to be connected to Studio City 6-500, because they’ll want to take out their teeth and rage scream at CBS for butchering one of their childhood classics! CBS has really messed up with this one, because the oldies are their main demographic. They’re biting the Asperecreme-covered hand that feeds them.
The Hollywood Reporter says that executives at CBS grabbed a list of Classics That Haven’t Been Shredded To Bits Yet, looked at the titles and shrugged after saying, “The Honeymooners? Sure, why not!”
Pictured: Nicole Scherzinger making the same disgusted stank face that all of us made while reading the cast list for the Dirty Dancing remake that need not exist.
ABC decided to join the rest of Hollywood in taking a machete to your childhood and the classics when it gave the thumbs up to a completely unnecessary Dirty Dancing musical movie starring Little Miss Sunshine as Baby, this pillar of chiseled hotness as Johnny Castle, Debra Messing as Baby’s mom, Bruce Greenwood as Baby’s dad, Sarah Hyland as Baby’s sister, Billy Dee Williams as Tito Suarez, Casper Not-So-Smart as Billy, Katey Sagal as Vivian Pressman, Shane Harper as Robbie and low-rent Apollonia Nicole Scherzinger as Penny.
Penny, played by Cynthia Rhodes in the only Dirty Dancing movie we need, gets knocked up with that slut Robbie’s baby and gets an abortion. Nicole tells The Daily Mail that she’s catholic and that her family is firmly against abortion. So she almost didn’t take the part, because she didn’t want to “promote” abortion. Oh yes, that movie where a woman almost dies after getting a back alley abortion is the pro-abortion propaganda film of our time!
There are many things from the 80s that I think should rebooted and brought back like Jell-O 1-2-3, Stacey Q’s career and The Charmings. But there are even more things from the 80s that I think should not be rebooted and should be left alone, and Little Shop of Horrors is at the top of that list. But since Hollywood is pretty much just a giant Audrey II who gets more powerful by eating and killing what you love most, they’re planning to remake Little Shop of Horrors.
Here’s my short response to this news: NOOOOOOOooooooooooOOOOOOOO!
There should be an American law stating that Dynasty is an important historical artifact and is not allowed to be fucked with in any way. But since the world is a shit place, that is not a law that exists, so The CW is planning to take Dynasty, stomp on it until its dust and then shit on it. I would sell my family if TNT gave Dynasty the Dallas treatment by doing a sequel starring some of the originals, but The CW is doing a complete re-telling. Josh Schwartz and Stephanie Savage, who are responsible for Gossip Girl, are behind this travesty. 2016 has really gone and done it this time.
Seven long years ago, Universal shot at our childhoods as though our childhood was a Singing Telegram Girl in the dark when they announced that they had hired director Gore Verbinski to take flawless cinematic flop Clue: The Movie to the ballroom and kill it with a candlestick. Less-dramatic translation: Universal hired Gore to direct a remake of Clue. Clearly the petition (signed by me and only me) I sent to Universal begging them not to commit a highly illegal act worked, because they dropped their plans in 2011. But those goddamn Grim Reapers of Hollywood are back to try to fuck with Clue once again.