It seems like nowadays whenever Hollywood is looking to cast someone in a big budget or big budget-ish movie, they don’t look for someone who fits the role. They don’t even look for someone who fits the role if you grease them up with Crisco, four kinds of lube, and a prayer before grabbing an industrial-strength shoehorn to shove them into that role. They just look for a ton of Instagram followers, and since Noah Centineo has over 16 million Instagram followers, he’s “in talks” to play He-Man in the reboot of Masters of the Universe. I wonder if during those “talks” a voice of reason popped up to say, “Err, so we’re talking to Noah Centino about playing He-Man? Not He-Child, right? Like this isn’t a Muppet Babies version of He-Man? Also, what drugs are you all on and why aren’t you sharing them with me?”
When those tiny sunglasses from the caca-encrusted bowels of the 90s made a comeback, we didn’t storm the streets. We held back our heaves while letting the children have their ugly fashion fun. And when the hideously horrible dad sneakers from the 90s made our eyes dribble out drops of shit from the ugliness of it all, we didn’t protest. But now the 90s comeback foolery has gone too far. And this time, something horrible from the 90s isn’t back to haunt us. It’s the opposite. Something precious and perfect from the 90s is being brought back to be butchered and pissed on by Hollywood before our very eyes.
I shouldn’t say that the Dynasty reboot has been completely CW-fied. I don’t think there’s a superhero in this one. Although, I wouldn’t be shocked if the first episode ends with Cristal revealing that she’s a secret DC superhero. The CW has to find a way to shit out a Dynasty/Supergirl/Arrow/The Flash crossover episode.
The CW held its upfronts in NYC today and announced that us worshipers of the original Dynasty have just a few months to prepare for the night when we’ll scream, cry and slap down our TVs as though we’re Alexis and its Krystle. The CW’s Dollar General reboot of Dynasty will stink up Wednesdays when it debuts after Riverdale in the fall.
The CW farted out the first trailer and the show’s first catfight, and Jesus be a last-minute cameo appearance by Dame Joan Collins, because it looks like a bland, boring dried turd. That “when you order something online vs when it arrives” meme was made to compare the original Dynasty to this basic Dynasty reboot. The original Dynasty was a flawless 10 carat diamond whose sparkles were so bright they burned retinas, and this shit is a dull counterfeit diamond made of off-brand peanut butter.
NBC has made the decision to give us the Hedy to Single White Female’s Allie by creating a knock-off of the movie that’s probably going to be cheap, messy and a dog killer (because your dog will contemplate suicide as you force the poor thing to watch the Single White Female TV show with you).
Telephone operators should expect to be flooded with thousands of calls from oldies who demand to be connected to Studio City 6-500, because they’ll want to take out their teeth and rage scream at CBS for butchering one of their childhood classics! CBS has really messed up with this one, because the oldies are their main demographic. They’re biting the Asperecreme-covered hand that feeds them.
The Hollywood Reporter says that executives at CBS grabbed a list of Classics That Haven’t Been Shredded To Bits Yet, looked at the titles and shrugged after saying, “The Honeymooners? Sure, why not!”
Pictured: Nicole Scherzinger making the same disgusted stank face that all of us made while reading the cast list for the Dirty Dancing remake that need not exist.
ABC decided to join the rest of Hollywood in taking a machete to your childhood and the classics when it gave the thumbs up to a completely unnecessary Dirty Dancing musical movie starring Little Miss Sunshine as Baby, this pillar of chiseled hotness as Johnny Castle, Debra Messing as Baby’s mom, Bruce Greenwood as Baby’s dad, Sarah Hyland as Baby’s sister, Billy Dee Williams as Tito Suarez, Casper Not-So-Smart as Billy, Katey Sagal as Vivian Pressman, Shane Harper as Robbie and low-rent Apollonia Nicole Scherzinger as Penny.
Penny, played by Cynthia Rhodes in the only Dirty Dancing movie we need, gets knocked up with that slut Robbie’s baby and gets an abortion. Nicole tells The Daily Mail that she’s catholic and that her family is firmly against abortion. So she almost didn’t take the part, because she didn’t want to “promote” abortion. Oh yes, that movie where a woman almost dies after getting a back alley abortion is the pro-abortion propaganda film of our time!