The vaginas are coming! The vaginas are coming! The trailer for the long awaited (ok, sustained indifferenced) Ocean’s 8 is here and it’s got more vaginas than a Amazonian gynecology conference! As expected, it stars Sandra Bullock as the titular Ocean (1) and includes Cate Blanchett as some kind of badass (2), Mindy Kaling as some kind of jeweler (3), Rihanna as some kind of hacker (4), Helena Bonham Carter as Helena Bonham Carter (5), Sarah Paulson as a suburban mom with a criminal past (6), Awkwafina as a street grifter (don’t ask me I have no idea who she is either, 7) and that’s only 7 so what the fuck? Yes, Anne Hathaway is in it but she appears to be the target so I’m confused.
Thespian Club Barbie Anne Hathaway must have taken that jeer to heart over the years, because the Hollywood Reporter is saying Anne is in talks to take over for Amy Schumer in the live-action Barbie movie. I can already imagine Anne renting a pink convertible from the Hertz at LAX, donning one of Kim Zolciak’s wigs and driving over to producer Amy Pascal’s house to perform Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” on her front lawn, refusing to leave until she gets the part. “I was born for this! America already thinks I’m a stiff!!! Did you know I have an OSCARRR?!”
Amy Schumer’s Barbie was supposed to be all about feminism and identity. Amy’s woke Barb was to suddenly realize she didn’t fit in at the dollhouse, and make a beeline to the real world, because there are obviously no fake, plastic people on these shores! Clearly, Barbie wasn’t going to turn on E! or pass a newsstand while on her enlightened trip to reality.
Sony wouldn’t comment on negotiations, but the movie is still targeted for release next summer, which means Anne’s next chance for an Oscar has to get moving pronto! Amy had to drop out because this thing sounds like a fucking disaster she had scheduling conflicts. Now that she’s just sitting around certainly NOT sticking pins into an Emily Blunt as Mary Poppins voodoo doll, Anne has all the time in the world!
In August, The Hollywood Reporter said that MGM is doing a gender-flip remake of 1988’s Dirty Rotten Scoundrels starring Rebel Wilson. And now The Hollywood Reporter says that Anne Hathaway is joining Rebel.
The original starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as two con men trying to swindle an American heiress out of $500,000. Nasty Women, which is what this remake is called, will star Anne Hathaway and Rebel Wilson. Anne and Rebel will play two women “from different walks of life” who team up to con a tech prodigy out of his money. Rebel Wilson is also a producer on it.
The first Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had a real slobs vs. snobs dynamic, so I’m taking that “different walks of life” thing as a sign that Nasty Women will be similar. Ann-with-an-E was born to play the uptight snob role, which means Rebel will probably play the snob. Although I really wish they’d switch it and make Rebel the snob and Anne the slob. I want to see Oscar-winner Anne Hathaway pretend to use a fancy dining room chair like a toilet.
I’m not a huge Dirty Rotten Scoundrels fan, but I’m still a little hesitant about this remake. We already have the perfect movie about two con women with a talent for grifting. It’s called Heartbreakers. There’s no way you can make a better movie than Heartbreakers, so why bother? Oh no, that totally sounded like I was challenging Hollywood to remake Heartbreakers. I take it back! Nasty Women – great, sure, whatever, just please leave Heartbreakers alone.
Back in 2013, most of the internet made fun of forever theater kid Anne Hathaway for laying down the blueprint for Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s extra thirsty Oscar campaign by hustling like her puppy got kidnapped and she needed to win that gold man statue so she could pawn it and pay her pooch’s ransom. Anne’s level 10 campaign hustling paid off and when she finally got her hands around the little gold man that danced in her dreams every night, she caused the Guinness World record for simultaneous eye rolls to break when she said, “It came truuuuueeeee.” Anne is now saying that her whole happy act during her speech was nothing but a lie!
Jeez, take some downtime, Anne. Aren’t you already the hardest working ho in cinema? Every movie I see, her ass pops up. I swear I saw her in a Corbin Fisher scene the other day. (Spoiler alert: She’s a versatile top.) Anne Hathaway’s at the Toronto Film Festival, and she was asked whether she’d want to reprise her Catwoman role from The Dark Knight Rises in a solo film. Sure, I like large amounts of cash, Anne responded in more words than that during an interview at the Variety Studio.
“Just text an offer to every actress, singer, comedian, rapper, etc. out there and the first 8 to hit us back with a thumbs-up emoji, gets a role” is probably what the producers and director of Ocean’s 8 said while casting. Because they put together a motley crew of HUH? that includes Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, RiRi, TEEFS, Helena Bonham Carter, Mindy Kaling and a rapper/actress who goes by Awkwafina (born name: Nora Lum). Yes, Awkwafina is a name that somebody chose to go by. Phoebe Price isn’t in it, but I slipped her portrait in, because I felt like that line-up needed some real A-list star power, charisma and ginger glamour. Like the producers can afford her day rate!