In an attempt to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his grime-covered reputation as Hollywood’s recurring plantar wart, Sam Lutfi - the sleazy barnacle who spent most of 2007 permanently stuck to the back of Britney Spears and most recently the tricky ho responsible for getting Amanda Bynes checked into a mental health facility- wrote a piece for xoJane.com on Friday titled “It Happened To Me: I’m Sam Lutfi and I’m Trying to Help Amanda Bynes.” I guess Sam was sick of everyone playing negative word association games with his name (the most common being NO! and STAY AWAY!) and throwing him some epic side-eye regarding his involvement with Amanda Bynes, so he sat down and wrote an open letter to the haters who think he’s nothing more than a disaster-chasing opportunistic fame humper. According to Sam Lutfi, Sam Lutfi is a modern-day Mother Teresa for wayward starlets!
Amanda Bynes got checked into a mental health facility right after she tweeted luuuuuv to Sam Lutfi, and those two events are related. Yeah, duh, but it gets even worse than alarmingly bad character judgement. Everyone whose eyebrows immediately retreated into their hairlines and saw dancing pink wigs at the mention of his name gets a cookie (you’ll have to yell at your SO/kid/mom to get one of yours if you have some…sorry, I’m broke), because Sam was supposedly the one who tricked her into coming to LA to be guest of honor at a 5150 surprise party.
You may remember Sam from Britney Spears‘ 2008 breakdown, the one her parents accused him of bringing on by slipping Brit nefarious drug cocktails. No, I’m sure that he is a misunderstood hero that just has happens to have an odd penchant for being closely involved with fragile women when they are teetering on the edge and only has their best interests at heart. Sam is the one who supposedly tricked Amanda into going to LA, per TMZ:
Sam Lutfi…contacted Amanda Thursday and convinced her to sue her parents. He got her to fly to L.A. so he could hook her up with a lawyer. …[Then] the driver went to a Pasadena hospital which looked like an office building. Amanda thought she was going to see the lawyer but when she walked inside she was surrounded by hospital staff.
Amanda got checked into a psych ward for a few days and her parents reportedly view Sam as a saviour and are going to publicly thank him, right after they transfer money to a Nigerian prince who will then dump millions of dollars into their bank account.
Girl needs a hug and unfortunately for her she turned to Sam, who had his arms wide open while his heart tearfully put the lotion on its skin in the corner. How is it that all roads to Not Okay, CA make a stop at Sam Station? How does he get in with these women? Amanda and all famous and semi-famous ladies, listen. When you see someone listed as “5150callme” and his profile pic features a photobomb of side eye-ing sharks nervously holding up a <–PREDATOR sign, resist the urge to click. You don’t want to know that guy.
After a day of tweeting about how the microchip in her brain made her say that her dad abused her and screaming at airport tickets agents for not being able to make planes fly faster, Amanda Bynes finally made it to LAX where a car met her and took her to a hospital.
Radar says that Amanda’s parents were able to convince her to come home to L.A. and to get help again before shit, which is already serious, gets serious serious. But TMZ has a different story. They say that Amanda was kind of tricked. Amanda thought that a car was going to take her from LAX to The London Hotel where she’d meet her parents and her lawyer. The car took her to the hospital instead. Whatever the case may be, Amanda is now being held by doctors on a 5150 hold (a cloud of pink wigs, Frapp dust and gas station fumes covers me every time I read those numbers). The hold is for 72 hours but doctors can extend it to 14 days. During those 14 days, Amanda’s parents are going to try to get another conservatorship. They had a conservatorship before, but they let it go and let Amanda move to Orange County by herself. And here we are now.
Well, hopefully the doctors at the mental health facility she’s in also took away all of her tweeting devices, because she tweeted this a few hours ago:
you feel like a brother to me @SamLutfi i mean it. Thank you luuuuv
— amanda bynes (@amandabynes) October 10, 2014
Shut it down. Shut down Twitter. Shut down everything. I swear, all 5150s lead back to Sam Lutfi.
When we last left Amanda Bynes, she was engaged to a 19-year-old bait shop boy, pulling Winona Ryder shit at Barney’s and telling the tabloids that she’s got a microchip in her head, and since then things have gone from really bad to Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, Arceus, Eru Ilúvatar, Shauna Sand and every other God take the wheel now.
This morning, Stephen Collins let out a “pheeeew” when Amanda Bynes accused her father of abusing her in all kinds of ways. Amanda also accused her mother of knowing about it and not doing anything about it. In a stream of tweets, Amanda said that her dad called her ugly, asked her if she wanted to have sex with him and touched himself in front of her. Amanda tweeted that she was working with her lawyers to get a restraining order against him. Amanda’s mom, Lynne Bynes, answered to Amanda’s dark-sided accusations in a statement to E!:
“I am heartbroken today for my husband of 47 years. Rick has been the best father and husband a family can ask for. He has never abused Amanda or our other children physically or sexually. These accusations are absolutely horrible and could not be further from the truth! These allegations stem from Amanda’s mental state at the moment. They have no basis in reality. It saddens me beyond belief that my husband’s character could be slandered in such a way.”
A quick second after Lynne Bynes’ statement came out, Amanda took it all back with this tweet:
TMZ says that Amanda’s tweets might’ve been triggered by her dad and mom’s plan to go to NYC to convince their daughter to get help. Lynne and Rick Bynes picked out a mental facility and booked a room. They just had to get Amanda to agree, but obviously that shit didn’t go too well. After finding out that her parents were on their way to NYC to help her, she immediately took her ass to LaGuardia Airport to get out of there. Amanda was allegedly kicked out of LaGuardia for screaming at a ticket agent because she was mad that a flight wasn’t leaving soon enough. Amanda was supposedly on her way to JFK, but her parents have no idea where she is right now.
And this is everyone’s cue to pick up our baby kitten and do the That’s Enough Internet For Today strut right out the exit door.
Well, here’s some news that will make you want to fly to New York City, track down Amanda Bynes like a low-budget Dog the Bounty Hunter (wait, isn’t Dog the Bounty Hunter the low-budget version of Dog the Bounty Hunter?), wrap her in a soft quilt and sing the Rihanna part of “Take Care“. TMZ says that on Monday night, Amanda Bynes was partying by herself at a club in Chelsea when she was approached by a couple fans on the dance floor who wanted to take her picture. Amanda responded by yelling for them to leave her alone, and to be honest, I’d do the same. Imagine trying to get your groove on and some wanker comes at you with a camera? You’d be like “Jog off, asshole.”
But here’s where it gets ruh roh-y. One fan didn’t take the hint that Amanda didn’t want any of her Sears Portrait Studio bullshit, and kept trying to take her picture. That’s when Amanda allegedly spun around towards the woman and took several swipes, clawing her neck and arms. The woman says she doesn’t plan on pressing charges, because she’s a fan (apparently Penelope Taynt lives in NYC and hangs out at Chelsea clubs now).
Oh dear, where to start. All of this is such a shit sandwich. It’s shitty to take pictures inside a dark club, unless you use the flash, which is super shitty. It’s shitty to try to take a picture of a stranger while they’re dancing. It’s shitty to claw the fuck out of someone’s arms. And it’s extra shitty that it’s 2014 and I have to write about Amanda going off the rails again. It’s all so shitty! Jesus take the shitty wheel!
The only thing that isn’t shitty are these pictures of Amanda strolling through NYC with a couple friends on Monday. Amanda is working a tight fanny pack game. And I wonder if one of the young gentlemen escorting Amanda is her beau, Bait Shop Caleb? Maybe the one on the left who looks like the busted condom baby of Jerry Seinfeld and Frankie Grande?
Please take this with several grains of salt sprinkled on a She’s The Man DVD, because I’m still not entirely convinced this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me weave. In Touch says that on Sunday, Amanda Bynes told an In Touch reporter that she’s engaged to her boyfriend Caleb. Caleb is 19-years-old, lives in Costa Mesa, California, doesn’t appear to have a last name, and works at a bait shop. Full disclosure: Bait Shop Caleb sounds hot. Amanda tells In Touch she’s excited to be engaged, because she’s sick of guys that she doesn’t want to fuck trying to talk to her:
“I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to fuck them, but I can now say I’m engaged — get away from me. I want to be married and I want to be away from people.”
She also said she doesn’t want to design her wedding dress, but she’s so picky she’ll probably do it anyway. She should probably start soon – any wedding dress designed by Amanda Bynes will surely be a breathtaking work of bridal art, and art takes time. Amanda also admitted that she’s ready to settle down in New York, and that she has fetus fever:
Go ahead and throw on your well-worn DVD copy of Hairspray and fast-forward to all the Penny Pingleton parts (I’ll forgive you if you stop on any scene of John Travolta in busted drag, because, obviously) and start thinking some happy thoughts. Sydney White could use them.
We all know that Amanda Bynes is currently in a bad way, and according to TMZ, Amanda’s problems might have started a couple months ago when she was still in fashion school. Several of Amanda’s former classmates at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising snitched to TMZ and said that Amanda didn’t actually fail out of fashion school, but that she was kicked out for cheating and being a weed-smoking mess. One student claims Amanda would always show up late and high (okay, so just like 99.9999% of the students at every college ever, go on) and would laugh her ass off in class or start fights with people.
But that’s if she even showed up; students say Amanda was constantly ditching class. Skipping school made her fall behind, so she started paying other students to do her work for her. Eventually she was caught cheating off someone during a test, and FIDM was like “Bye Felicia” and told her to go home. That’s when she went home, packed up her shit at her parent’s house, and moved out to wherever she is living now. I know I said it yesterday, but it bears repeating: AMANDA, CALL YOUR PARENTS!
I understand taking shit for cheating and paying other people to do your work for you – that’s a major no-no. But throwing shade at her for getting high before class? Esscuse me?? Did everyone at FIDM forget that they go to college? I went to art school, and I barely remember a class where I didn’t show up late/high/drunk/half-asleep/eating a whole pizza. I’m pretty sure it was in the syllabus! “Please arrive at least 30 minutes late reeking of weed and tacos, because – DUH – you’re in college.”
More details have been released concerning Amanda Bynes’ Sunday morning arrest for driving like a damn drugged-up mess. TMZ had originally stated that the ratty wig-wearing driveway fire-setting former terror of Southern California was high on the mara-juana when she got pulled over, but now they’re changing their story and saying that she was actually rolling on totally legal prescription drugs. TMZ says the influence Amanda was driving under was Adderall, something that had been prescribed by her doctor. Amanda’s DUI does violate her probation, but the fact that the drugs came from her doctor and not some shady dude named Sleazy-P in the paper towels aisle of a Walmart (not that I’d know anything about that) will help her case.
But it sounds like Adderall is the only pharmaceutical Amanda has been gobbling down; a source close to Amanda (a giant clump of pastel polyester hair) claims she’s off her anti-psychotic meds. Ruh roh. She’s also been smoking a lot of weed too (just not early Sunday morning when she was arrested). And according to Radar, all the weed and pills and guzzling grown-up go-go juice (yes she’s back to drinking) has caused Amanda to flunk out of fashion school. NOOOOO!!!! I was so looking forward to the UGLY by Amanda Bynes 2015 fall collection!
But where are Amanda’s parents? After their conservatorship ended earlier this month and she left the nest, surely they kept tabs on their crazy baby bird, right? Well, not exactly. TMZ says they haven’t really heard from her since she left for Orange County. In fact, they learned she had been arrested for a DUI this weekend from the media. They also have no idea where she is now. Hey Amanda, call your fucking parents!
So let’s see here – using the Theory of Probability, combined with Brit Brit’s Law of Unstable Crazy, we can predict what Amanda will do next. For instance, we already have [Y + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics + parents) = DUI. All you have to do is solve the value of Y. And knowing what we know, clearly Y = more insane busted Bride of Chucky living nightmare Twitter videos. Amanda! CALL YOUR PARENTS!
After mostly laying low for months and staying away from the driveways of Memaw Mushroom Queens and Party City wigs that look like they were pulled out of the gutter the day after Halloween, Amanda Bynes got arrested for allegedly driving while under the influence of drugs. Insert TyraScreamingWeWereAllRootingForYou.GIF here. Also, insert the ShockedNotShocked.GIF for the people who follow Amanda’s supposed secret Twitter account.
TMZ says that Amanda was pulled over in L.A. on Sunday morning. The only thing that TMZ knows right now is that she was taken to a nearby station at 4:10AM on a misdemeanor DUI. She was released into the wild at around noon after posting $15,000 bail. Amanda Bynes’ quick descent into Our Lady of Cheetos circa 2008 territory started when she was arrested for DUI in 2012. And now here we are again.
I’m sure TMZ will throw up Amanda Bynes’ latest mug shot of beauty any second now and if she’s wearing a crooked wig that looks like it was made with Benji’s mangy ass hair and she’s looking at the camera like, “Camera, you’re ugly,” then everyone in the L.A. area needs to hide their bongs, hide Drake’s dick and immediately build a safety fence around their driveway.
UPDATE: TMZ’s source says Amanda was high on the good shit while driving. Their source says that Amanda was doing okay until the conservatorship she was under ended this month and she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own place in Orange County. Busted Wig Amanda started peeking out again as soon and she got some of that reefer in her. Cue Amanda’s mom screaming, “REEFER MADNESS,” again. TMZ also says that Amanda is still on probation so she could face a bigger punishment if a judge feels she violated her probation. Please. Amanda got arrested in L.A. and she’s still kind of a celebrity, so nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge will sentence to her to 2 days without Starbucks and that’s it. That’s if the judge doesn’t leave the court room in tears after Amanda calls them ugly.
Amanda Bynes’ ”crazy era” wigs have been put down and cremated, she’s stopped asking Drake to draw a chalk outline around her snatch and the driveways of Thousands Oaks are safe again. Amanda is doing better and is taking classes at a fashion school in Orange County. Because Amanda wanted to kill a few rumors out there, her lawyer and her mother talked to the media about how she’s doing. The lawyer said that Amanda wanted everyone to know that she’s not schizophrenic (the voices in her head told her so!), she’s not taking any meds and she’s been weed-free for nine months. The lawyer went on to say some shit about how she’s never had a problem with booze or drugs. Amanda’s mom, Lynn Bynes, piped in and tells E! that Amanda doesn’t have any kind of mental illness and that evil, dark-sided Satanic pube bush known as marijuana is the sole reason for why Amanda went crazy.
“Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever,” Lynn Bynes tells E! News. “She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar.”
Lynn says that Amanda’s history of unusual behavior, which includes a 2012 DUI, allegedly throwing a bong out of a NYC building and lots of bizarre social media postings, was all caused by smoking pot. Lynn adds that Amanda “is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana.”
I’ve heard that weed can take a person with a mental illness to the dark side, but just weed alone?! Was the shit Amanda smoked laced with gamma radiation, because damn. I’ve been stoned to the point where I thought Parasite Hilton looked pretty (I know, I should’ve quit right then and there) and I would never put one of those wigs on my head. I’ve been stoned to the point where a Ke$ha song sounded good to my ears and I would never toss a bong out of a window. A stoner throwing a bong out of a window is like a mom throwing her baby out of a window. You don’t do that shit.
But whatever, the only thing that matters is that Amanda is doing okay and she’s done with putting those shredded plastic wigs on her head.