Amanda Bynes’ ”crazy era” wigs have been put down and cremated, she’s stopped asking Drake to draw a chalk outline around her snatch and the driveways of Thousands Oaks are safe again. Amanda is doing better and is taking classes at a fashion school in Orange County. Because Amanda wanted to kill a few rumors out there, her lawyer and her mother talked to the media about how she’s doing. The lawyer said that Amanda wanted everyone to know that she’s not schizophrenic (the voices in her head told her so!), she’s not taking any meds and she’s been weed-free for nine months. The lawyer went on to say some shit about how she’s never had a problem with booze or drugs. Amanda’s mom, Lynn Bynes, piped in and tells E! that Amanda doesn’t have any kind of mental illness and that evil, dark-sided Satanic pube bush known as marijuana is the sole reason for why Amanda went crazy.
“Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever,” Lynn Bynes tells E! News. “She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar.”
Lynn says that Amanda’s history of unusual behavior, which includes a 2012 DUI, allegedly throwing a bong out of a NYC building and lots of bizarre social media postings, was all caused by smoking pot. Lynn adds that Amanda “is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana.”
I’ve heard that weed can take a person with a mental illness to the dark side, but just weed alone?! Was the shit Amanda smoked laced with gamma radiation, because damn. I’ve been stoned to the point where I thought Parasite Hilton looked pretty (I know, I should’ve quit right then and there) and I would never put one of those wigs on my head. I’ve been stoned to the point where a Ke$ha song sounded good to my ears and I would never toss a bong out of a window. A stoner throwing a bong out of a window is like a mom throwing her baby out of a window. You don’t do that shit.
But whatever, the only thing that matters is that Amanda is doing okay and she’s done with putting those shredded plastic wigs on her head.
Yesterday, TMZ reported that a judge declared that Amanda Bynes can be kept in the mental hospital for a whole damn year. The judge already extended the hold to 30 days and now he’s extended it to a year. TMZ’s sources say that Amanda won’t be in the hospital until 2014. The doctors plan to treat her for another 60 days before releasing her into the arms of her conservator, her mom.
The doctors requested the long-term hold from the judge and after the judge gave it to their asses, they transferred control of the hold to Amanda’s mom. Amanda’s mom agrees that she should be in the hospital for as long as it takes.
Amanda’s Twitter account, which has been quiet ever since she nearly blew up the Mushroom Queen’s driveway in Thousand Oaks, woke up today. Amanda sashayed back onto Twitter by declaring her love to Wheelchair Jimmy again. I’m guessing you can’t have phones in the mental hospital, so either she got hacked or her dog smuggled in a cell phone in its ass during visitor hours.
Well, if it is Amanda, then at least she didn’t call him ugly. That should count for something.
Amanda Bynes was supposed to go to a hearing at the courthouse today to ask the judge to free and not give her parents a temporary conservatorship, but her doctors felt like she was not well enough and ready to leave the mental hospital. Her doctors also asked for an emergency hearing to keep her in the hospital for longer, so the judge came to them. TMZ says that Amanda’s doctors asked the judge to extend the 5150 hold to 30 days, because she needs more treatment and if she leaves the hospital now, her train will probably go off the rails again and it won’t end well.
The judge heard the doctors out and co-signed their professional opinions by extending the hold for a second time to 30 days. TMZ says that shit must be serious, because the law says that judges can only okay an order like that if the doctors believe that the patient is “gravely disabled as a result of a mental disorder.”
Amanda’s parents are still trying to get that temporary conservatorship, because it will last until September 30th and they want her to stay in the hospital for at least another month. If a judge makes Amanda’s parents the Daddy Spears to her Brit Brit, then they’ll work on getting a more permanent conservatorship.
UPDATE: The judge okay’d the temporary conservatorship today and made Amanda’s mom Lynn the boss of her life. Lynn now has control over Amanda’s money and her medical care.
Drake has FINALLY broken his silence on Amanda Bynes Tweeting him tweets of love one second and putting him on her ugly list with everybody else the next second. During an interview with XXL that happened before Amanda Bynes was shuffled off to a mental hospital on a 5150 hold, Wheelchair Jimmy was asked how he feels about her being obsessed with him and the hip hop king of the shark world spat this out:
“I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.”
If life was a Melrose Place episode, then after Drake finished that interview, he walked into the next room, pulled out his iPhone and as the camera zoomed in on his screen, he tweeted “DRAKE = U G L Y” as Amanda Bynes. It was Drake the entire time!
And I know this has nothing to do with anything, but in that cover, Drake’s hair, beard and stache looks like one exquisitely crafted piece. They’re all perfectly connected together. I bet that before he goes to bed, he grabs his hair from the top, pulls everything (the hair, beard, stache and all) off slowly, hangs it on his bed post and falls to sleep.
Amanda Bynes’ 5150 Hold Has Been Extended For Two Weeks (UPDATE: Her Parents Didn’t Win A Conservatorship)
Amanda Bynes will stay in the hospital for another two weeks, so said a judge yesterday. During a hearing at the hospital where Amanda is being treated, her doctors argued that they need another two weeks to properly diagnose her. Amanda’s attorney argued that her 5150 hold should end and she should be released back into the wild. Driveways and Pom Pom puppies all shook in fear when he said that shit.
TMZ says that doctors told the judge that Amanda needs to stay laid up in the hospital for at least two more weeks, because the reason cell in their brains works and they know she’s a danger to herself, others, driveways and Pomeranians. The judge co-signed everything the doctors said and extended her 5150 hold for another two weeks. Meanwhile, Amanda’s parents filed papers yesterday to get her into a conservatorship. They’ll find out this morning if that’s going to happen or not.
In other Amanda Bynes news, Radar says that Sam Lutfi, the dark-sided demon leech from hell who stuffed crazy pills into Brit Brit’s Cheetos Puffs, was apparently coming after Amanda next. Some source said:
“Sam bought Amanda the plane ticket for her to return to Los Angeles from New York City. She had no money. The two became friends in recent months. It’s very concerning to say the very least, given Sam’s history with Britney Spears leading up to her father, Jamie Spears, getting a conservatorship over his daughter, and getting a restraining order preventing Lutfi from having any contact with her.”
Sam Lutfi denied that he bought Amanda’s plane ticket, but when Radar kept pressing on his ass, he got nervous and hung up.
Even though Amanda Bynes nearly blew up herself, her dog and the stunning Mushroom Queen of Thousand Oaks, at least it got her into a hospital. Because if that didn’t happen, Sam Lutfi would’ve sunk his claws all the way into her, dragged her through every gas station in L.A. and we would’ve gotten Brit Brit 2.0. That means Amanda would’ve eventually started boning Adnan Ghalib and nobody wants a second serving of his pussy strip and douche titties.
UPDATE: Radar says that a judge shut down Amanda’s parents’ request to get her ass into a temporary conservatorship. TMZ says that not all hope is lost. The judge only shot down their request today, because two weeks have been added to Amanda’s 5150 hold. The judge wants time to talk to her, talk to her doctors and look at the police report from the driveway bomb incident before he says ok or fuck no to a conservatorship. A new hearing will happen on August 9th. TMZ also says that Amanda’s lawyer is screaming for an emergency hearing, because she wants a judge to take back the two-week extension and release her from the mental ward. If Amanda’s lawyer gets a hearing, the hearing probably won’t happen today, so that gives her dog time to get its ass into the Witness Protection Program.
On Monday night, Amanda Bynes tried to blow up my beauty icon’s driveway in Thousand Oaks, CA and sometime during the middle of all the Firestarter chaos, she accidentally poured gasoline on her poor pooch. Amanda ran away from the scene and took a cab to a nearby liquor store to wash the gasoline off of her dog. Above is a video from the liquor store’s security camera of Amanda shuffling in with her dog and walking directly to an employees only area to wash her dog off in a sink.
The liquor store’s owner tells TMZ that after the cashier followed Amanda and her dog into the back room, he asked her what she was up to and she “freaked out” and ran out of there. The cops caught her a quick minute later and put her on a 5150 hold. Amanda’s dog is safe and staying with her parents.
The Los Angeles Times says that Amanda’s 5150 hold could be extended from 72 hours to 2 weeks if the authorities and her doctors believe that she’s a danger to herself and others. TMZ says that her doctors will ask for a 2-week extension, because they think she might be schizophrenic and they need time to diagnose her. While Amanda’s in the hospital, her parents will finally finally FINALLY finally makes moves to put her in a conservatorship. Apparently, Amanda’s parents have been thinking about taking a page out of Daddy Spears’ handbook, but their hands were tied, because she passed a psychiatric evaluation in NYC after she was arrested for throwing her bong out her window and her behavior wasn’t crazy enough for a judge to put somebody else in charge of her life.
But all of that changed when Amanda set fire to an old lady’s driveway and nearly turned her dog into a living Molotov cocktail when she brought his gasoline-covered body into a store full of booze.
FREEEEEEE (insert the name of Amanda Bynes’ dog here and I’ll be really disappointed if his name isn’t Bongie Graham)!!!!
Amanda Bynes is sitting in a hospital on a 5150 hold right now, because she had a full-on breakdown and nearly melted the tips on her polyester wig when she started a fire on a stranger’s driveway near her parent’s house in Thousand Oaks, CA. Now TMZ is saying that it wasn’t a small campfire. One witness says that Amanda was trying to make a DIY bomb. Amanda dragged a gas canister on the driveway and threw a flaming cloth on it. He didn’t know if the gas canister was full or not, but he still jumped out of his car, ran over and found Amanda lying on the driveway. Her pant leg was on fire, so he put that out. Amanda wasn’t hurt, but he says her dog was burned. HER DOG GOT BURNED! That flaming fire is a serious bitch. Why couldn’t it eat Amanda’s wig instead of coming at her dog? That poor dog is somewhere rubbing burn cream on his body while inhaling the rancid, nasty, smell of burnt fur. And the smell of burnt fur is like an unemployed and broke trick you picked up on Craigslist for a one-night-stand. It doesn’t ever go away.
The guy says that after he put out the fire, Amanda ran off and he went after her and her dog. As he was chasing her, she was on the phone with a cab and when the cab showed up, she jumped in. He tried to stop her, but she got away. The cops later caught up to her and 5150′d her.
Bonnie Braaten, the widow who lives in the house that Amanda almost blew up, talked to reporters today and showed them and some children the burn mark on her driveway. If you look closely, you can almost see the face of Drake winking at you.
Bonnie tells TMZ that one neighbor has offered to power wash her driveway for free, but she turned down his offer, because she thinks Amanda’s parents should pay for the cleanup. But Amanda’s father tells TMZ that he isn’t taking out his wallet, because he believes Amanda should pay for it. As Memaw Bonnie and Amanda’s parents fight over important issues like who the hell should pay to wash the stupid ass driveway, Amanda’s sitting in a mental ward. Priorities! I’m sure they can work this out, though.
Hopefully after Amanda gets help, she’ll pay to get the ugly out of Memaw Bonnie’s driveway and Memaw Bonnie will give her some much needed beauty tips. I mean, look at Bonnie’s bowl cut of perfection. Who ever cut Bonnie’s hair should do circumcisions. Her hair is that exquisitely cut. She’s what mushrooms look like in heaven. So Amanda would be lucky to have Memaw Bonnie as her beauty mentor. We’d all be lucky to have Memaw Bonnie as our beauty mentor.
A few days ago, Amanda Bynes’ crazy train full of car trunk wigs, burnt weed buds and bad decisions left New York City for L.A. and it didn’t take very long for it to crash and burn on the driveway of a house in Thousand Oaks, CA. TMZ says that last night, the cops were called to a home in Thousand Oaks and they found Amanda standing next to a campfire on the driveway. (Please tell me her wig fell into the fire and didn’t make it out alive.)
When the cops asked Amanda why she was standing next to a fire on the driveway of a stranger’s house in Thousand Oaks, CA, she dribbled out some craziness and they determined that she should probably spend some time in the mental ward of a hospital.They put her on a 5150 hold. Amanda was sent to the hospital for a mental evaluation and they could keep her for up to 72 hours.
Before Amanda decided to camp out on somebody’s (not Drake’s) driveway last night, she tried terrorize a bunch of old people at a retirement community in Thousand Oaks on Sunday night. TMZ says that she tried to get into the old folks home to visit a “relative,” but management wouldn’t let her in, because they thought she was drunk. They called her a cab and after she cursed the driver out and told him that she had no money, she went back to the old folks home. They called the cops and she was either warned or ticketed for trespassing before they let her go. But back to that driveway fire….
We should destroy the world’s entire supply of lighters and matches since Amanda Bynes is a pyromaniac now and is setting fire to driveways because they’re ugly. (In her defense, that driveway is homely.) And somebody send Daddy Spears to the hospital with a giant pot of Velveeta grits (aka the healing food of the gods) for both Amanda and her doctors. Her doctors are going to need it after they cry when she diagnoses them with being ugly.
A front desk employee at one of the Ritz-Carltons in Manhattan has joined 99.9999999999% of the population in the Uglies According to Amanda Bynes Club. Welcome, fellow ugly!
Amanda’s wig was thrown into the gutter where it belongs yesterday after the Ritz-Carlton kicked her out for making a front desk employee cry and filling her hotel room with weed smoke. A source tells TMZ that immediately after Amanda checked in, she started toking up every day, all day. The hotel staff quickly learned what most of us have known for months and months: when you ask Amanda to stop doing something, she’s going to consult with her talking bong and then keep doing it. Amanda kept smoking the good shit in her room and tried to cover up the smell with some kind of chemical. I’m guessing that chemical was meth smoke, because nothing covers up weed smoke like meth smoke.
Amanda just couldn’t stop at filling the hotel with weed smoke, she also filled one of the front desk employees with sadness and the rejection one feels when the most beautiful and perfect beauty in the entire world calls you ugly. Amanda told one of the front desk girls that she was too ugly to check her in and offered the girl the name of her plastic surgeon. The girl cried on the spot.
Amanda was supposed to check out at noon, but she got kicked out hours before that. TMZ’s source says that Amanda made her way to La Guardia and is now coming here to L.A. to call all of us ugly.
There’s many reasons to cry, but Amanda Bynes calling you ugly is not one of them. First of all, Amanda Bynes’ Vanity Fair column tells me that she’s trolling at least 50% of the time and is really Joaquin Phoenix in an Amanda Bynes skin suit. Second of all, Amanda thinks everyone is ugly and thinks everyone needs at least 4 nose jobs. Amanda Bynes calling a ho ugly is like Gerard Butler going up to a ho and saying, “I’d like to fuck you.” He says that to everyone and everything. There’s zero exceptions to the rule.
Amanda Bynes figured she really needed a London to her Brit Brit, so she got herself an adorable puppy friend who obviously didn’t sign up for this foolery and wants no part of it. That dog looks like he would rather lease a space in Wonky McValtrex’s dog closet of doom than be Amanda Bynes’ sidekick/pap blocker. That dog does not appreciate Amanda showing his down low parts to the paps. That’s pet-o-philia.
Amanda can’t even take care of a polyester wig and now she’s responsible for a living, breathing life that needs to eat things other than burnt weed buds and drink liquids other than dirty bong water. Poor dog is probably looking at Amanda’s wig and thinking that’s where he’s headed next. Somebody please alert Annemarie Lucas about this!
And on a positive note, Amanda does have the right idea. If everyone covered their face with a live puppy mask, the world would be a much more adorable place.