Go ahead and throw on your well-worn DVD copy of Hairspray and fast-forward to all the Penny Pingleton parts (I’ll forgive you if you stop on any scene of John Travolta in busted drag, because, obviously) and start thinking some happy thoughts. Sydney White could use them.
We all know that Amanda Bynes is currently in a bad way, and according to TMZ, Amanda’s problems might have started a couple months ago when she was still in fashion school. Several of Amanda’s former classmates at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising snitched to TMZ and said that Amanda didn’t actually fail out of fashion school, but that she was kicked out for cheating and being a weed-smoking mess. One student claims Amanda would always show up late and high (okay, so just like 99.9999% of the students at every college ever, go on) and would laugh her ass off in class or start fights with people.
But that’s if she even showed up; students say Amanda was constantly ditching class. Skipping school made her fall behind, so she started paying other students to do her work for her. Eventually she was caught cheating off someone during a test, and FIDM was like “Bye Felicia” and told her to go home. That’s when she went home, packed up her shit at her parent’s house, and moved out to wherever she is living now. I know I said it yesterday, but it bears repeating: AMANDA, CALL YOUR PARENTS!
I understand taking shit for cheating and paying other people to do your work for you – that’s a major no-no. But throwing shade at her for getting high before class? Esscuse me?? Did everyone at FIDM forget that they go to college? I went to art school, and I barely remember a class where I didn’t show up late/high/drunk/half-asleep/eating a whole pizza. I’m pretty sure it was in the syllabus! “Please arrive at least 30 minutes late reeking of weed and tacos, because – DUH – you’re in college.”
More details have been released concerning Amanda Bynes’ Sunday morning arrest for driving like a damn drugged-up mess. TMZ had originally stated that the ratty wig-wearing driveway fire-setting former terror of Southern California was high on the mara-juana when she got pulled over, but now they’re changing their story and saying that she was actually rolling on totally legal prescription drugs. TMZ says the influence Amanda was driving under was Adderall, something that had been prescribed by her doctor. Amanda’s DUI does violate her probation, but the fact that the drugs came from her doctor and not some shady dude named Sleazy-P in the paper towels aisle of a Walmart (not that I’d know anything about that) will help her case.
But it sounds like Adderall is the only pharmaceutical Amanda has been gobbling down; a source close to Amanda (a giant clump of pastel polyester hair) claims she’s off her anti-psychotic meds. Ruh roh. She’s also been smoking a lot of weed too (just not early Sunday morning when she was arrested). And according to Radar, all the weed and pills and guzzling grown-up go-go juice (yes she’s back to drinking) has caused Amanda to flunk out of fashion school. NOOOOO!!!! I was so looking forward to the UGLY by Amanda Bynes 2015 fall collection!
But where are Amanda’s parents? After their conservatorship ended earlier this month and she left the nest, surely they kept tabs on their crazy baby bird, right? Well, not exactly. TMZ says they haven’t really heard from her since she left for Orange County. In fact, they learned she had been arrested for a DUI this weekend from the media. They also have no idea where she is now. Hey Amanda, call your fucking parents!
So let’s see here – using the Theory of Probability, combined with Brit Brit’s Law of Unstable Crazy, we can predict what Amanda will do next. For instance, we already have [Y + (weed + adderall) x alcohol] – (anti-psychotics + parents) = DUI. All you have to do is solve the value of Y. And knowing what we know, clearly Y = more insane busted Bride of Chucky living nightmare Twitter videos. Amanda! CALL YOUR PARENTS!
After mostly laying low for months and staying away from the driveways of Memaw Mushroom Queens and Party City wigs that look like they were pulled out of the gutter the day after Halloween, Amanda Bynes got arrested for allegedly driving while under the influence of drugs. Insert TyraScreamingWeWereAllRootingForYou.GIF here. Also, insert the ShockedNotShocked.GIF for the people who follow Amanda’s supposed secret Twitter account.
TMZ says that Amanda was pulled over in L.A. on Sunday morning. The only thing that TMZ knows right now is that she was taken to a nearby station at 4:10AM on a misdemeanor DUI. She was released into the wild at around noon after posting $15,000 bail. Amanda Bynes’ quick descent into Our Lady of Cheetos circa 2008 territory started when she was arrested for DUI in 2012. And now here we are again.
I’m sure TMZ will throw up Amanda Bynes’ latest mug shot of beauty any second now and if she’s wearing a crooked wig that looks like it was made with Benji’s mangy ass hair and she’s looking at the camera like, “Camera, you’re ugly,” then everyone in the L.A. area needs to hide their bongs, hide Drake’s dick and immediately build a safety fence around their driveway.
UPDATE: TMZ’s source says Amanda was high on the good shit while driving. Their source says that Amanda was doing okay until the conservatorship she was under ended this month and she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own place in Orange County. Busted Wig Amanda started peeking out again as soon and she got some of that reefer in her. Cue Amanda’s mom screaming, “REEFER MADNESS,” again. TMZ also says that Amanda is still on probation so she could face a bigger punishment if a judge feels she violated her probation. Please. Amanda got arrested in L.A. and she’s still kind of a celebrity, so nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge will sentence to her to 2 days without Starbucks and that’s it. That’s if the judge doesn’t leave the court room in tears after Amanda calls them ugly.
Amanda Bynes’ ”crazy era” wigs have been put down and cremated, she’s stopped asking Drake to draw a chalk outline around her snatch and the driveways of Thousands Oaks are safe again. Amanda is doing better and is taking classes at a fashion school in Orange County. Because Amanda wanted to kill a few rumors out there, her lawyer and her mother talked to the media about how she’s doing. The lawyer said that Amanda wanted everyone to know that she’s not schizophrenic (the voices in her head told her so!), she’s not taking any meds and she’s been weed-free for nine months. The lawyer went on to say some shit about how she’s never had a problem with booze or drugs. Amanda’s mom, Lynn Bynes, piped in and tells E! that Amanda doesn’t have any kind of mental illness and that evil, dark-sided Satanic pube bush known as marijuana is the sole reason for why Amanda went crazy.
“Amanda has no mental illness whatsoever,” Lynn Bynes tells E! News. “She has never been diagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar.”
Lynn says that Amanda’s history of unusual behavior, which includes a 2012 DUI, allegedly throwing a bong out of a NYC building and lots of bizarre social media postings, was all caused by smoking pot. Lynn adds that Amanda “is very sorry for all the hurtful tweets, statements and actions that occurred while she was under the influence of marijuana.”
I’ve heard that weed can take a person with a mental illness to the dark side, but just weed alone?! Was the shit Amanda smoked laced with gamma radiation, because damn. I’ve been stoned to the point where I thought Parasite Hilton looked pretty (I know, I should’ve quit right then and there) and I would never put one of those wigs on my head. I’ve been stoned to the point where a Ke$ha song sounded good to my ears and I would never toss a bong out of a window. A stoner throwing a bong out of a window is like a mom throwing her baby out of a window. You don’t do that shit.
But whatever, the only thing that matters is that Amanda is doing okay and she’s done with putting those shredded plastic wigs on her head.
Yesterday, TMZ reported that a judge declared that Amanda Bynes can be kept in the mental hospital for a whole damn year. The judge already extended the hold to 30 days and now he’s extended it to a year. TMZ’s sources say that Amanda won’t be in the hospital until 2014. The doctors plan to treat her for another 60 days before releasing her into the arms of her conservator, her mom.
The doctors requested the long-term hold from the judge and after the judge gave it to their asses, they transferred control of the hold to Amanda’s mom. Amanda’s mom agrees that she should be in the hospital for as long as it takes.
Amanda’s Twitter account, which has been quiet ever since she nearly blew up the Mushroom Queen’s driveway in Thousand Oaks, woke up today. Amanda sashayed back onto Twitter by declaring her love to Wheelchair Jimmy again. I’m guessing you can’t have phones in the mental hospital, so either she got hacked or her dog smuggled in a cell phone in its ass during visitor hours.
Well, if it is Amanda, then at least she didn’t call him ugly. That should count for something.
Amanda Bynes was supposed to go to a hearing at the courthouse today to ask the judge to free and not give her parents a temporary conservatorship, but her doctors felt like she was not well enough and ready to leave the mental hospital. Her doctors also asked for an emergency hearing to keep her in the hospital for longer, so the judge came to them. TMZ says that Amanda’s doctors asked the judge to extend the 5150 hold to 30 days, because she needs more treatment and if she leaves the hospital now, her train will probably go off the rails again and it won’t end well.
The judge heard the doctors out and co-signed their professional opinions by extending the hold for a second time to 30 days. TMZ says that shit must be serious, because the law says that judges can only okay an order like that if the doctors believe that the patient is “gravely disabled as a result of a mental disorder.”
Amanda’s parents are still trying to get that temporary conservatorship, because it will last until September 30th and they want her to stay in the hospital for at least another month. If a judge makes Amanda’s parents the Daddy Spears to her Brit Brit, then they’ll work on getting a more permanent conservatorship.
UPDATE: The judge okay’d the temporary conservatorship today and made Amanda’s mom Lynn the boss of her life. Lynn now has control over Amanda’s money and her medical care.
Drake has FINALLY broken his silence on Amanda Bynes Tweeting him tweets of love one second and putting him on her ugly list with everybody else the next second. During an interview with XXL that happened before Amanda Bynes was shuffled off to a mental hospital on a 5150 hold, Wheelchair Jimmy was asked how he feels about her being obsessed with him and the hip hop king of the shark world spat this out:
“I don’t even know who that is doing that or what that’s about. If that is her, I guess it’s a little weird and disturbing. It’s obviously a behavioral pattern that is way bigger than me. Whoever is behind it, whether it’s her or somebody else, they know people are paying attention so they keep it going.”
If life was a Melrose Place episode, then after Drake finished that interview, he walked into the next room, pulled out his iPhone and as the camera zoomed in on his screen, he tweeted “DRAKE = U G L Y” as Amanda Bynes. It was Drake the entire time!
And I know this has nothing to do with anything, but in that cover, Drake’s hair, beard and stache looks like one exquisitely crafted piece. They’re all perfectly connected together. I bet that before he goes to bed, he grabs his hair from the top, pulls everything (the hair, beard, stache and all) off slowly, hangs it on his bed post and falls to sleep.
Amanda Bynes’ 5150 Hold Has Been Extended For Two Weeks (UPDATE: Her Parents Didn’t Win A Conservatorship)
Amanda Bynes will stay in the hospital for another two weeks, so said a judge yesterday. During a hearing at the hospital where Amanda is being treated, her doctors argued that they need another two weeks to properly diagnose her. Amanda’s attorney argued that her 5150 hold should end and she should be released back into the wild. Driveways and Pom Pom puppies all shook in fear when he said that shit.
TMZ says that doctors told the judge that Amanda needs to stay laid up in the hospital for at least two more weeks, because the reason cell in their brains works and they know she’s a danger to herself, others, driveways and Pomeranians. The judge co-signed everything the doctors said and extended her 5150 hold for another two weeks. Meanwhile, Amanda’s parents filed papers yesterday to get her into a conservatorship. They’ll find out this morning if that’s going to happen or not.
In other Amanda Bynes news, Radar says that Sam Lutfi, the dark-sided demon leech from hell who stuffed crazy pills into Brit Brit’s Cheetos Puffs, was apparently coming after Amanda next. Some source said:
“Sam bought Amanda the plane ticket for her to return to Los Angeles from New York City. She had no money. The two became friends in recent months. It’s very concerning to say the very least, given Sam’s history with Britney Spears leading up to her father, Jamie Spears, getting a conservatorship over his daughter, and getting a restraining order preventing Lutfi from having any contact with her.”
Sam Lutfi denied that he bought Amanda’s plane ticket, but when Radar kept pressing on his ass, he got nervous and hung up.
Even though Amanda Bynes nearly blew up herself, her dog and the stunning Mushroom Queen of Thousand Oaks, at least it got her into a hospital. Because if that didn’t happen, Sam Lutfi would’ve sunk his claws all the way into her, dragged her through every gas station in L.A. and we would’ve gotten Brit Brit 2.0. That means Amanda would’ve eventually started boning Adnan Ghalib and nobody wants a second serving of his pussy strip and douche titties.
UPDATE: Radar says that a judge shut down Amanda’s parents’ request to get her ass into a temporary conservatorship. TMZ says that not all hope is lost. The judge only shot down their request today, because two weeks have been added to Amanda’s 5150 hold. The judge wants time to talk to her, talk to her doctors and look at the police report from the driveway bomb incident before he says ok or fuck no to a conservatorship. A new hearing will happen on August 9th. TMZ also says that Amanda’s lawyer is screaming for an emergency hearing, because she wants a judge to take back the two-week extension and release her from the mental ward. If Amanda’s lawyer gets a hearing, the hearing probably won’t happen today, so that gives her dog time to get its ass into the Witness Protection Program.
On Monday night, Amanda Bynes tried to blow up my beauty icon’s driveway in Thousand Oaks, CA and sometime during the middle of all the Firestarter chaos, she accidentally poured gasoline on her poor pooch. Amanda ran away from the scene and took a cab to a nearby liquor store to wash the gasoline off of her dog. Above is a video from the liquor store’s security camera of Amanda shuffling in with her dog and walking directly to an employees only area to wash her dog off in a sink.
The liquor store’s owner tells TMZ that after the cashier followed Amanda and her dog into the back room, he asked her what she was up to and she “freaked out” and ran out of there. The cops caught her a quick minute later and put her on a 5150 hold. Amanda’s dog is safe and staying with her parents.
The Los Angeles Times says that Amanda’s 5150 hold could be extended from 72 hours to 2 weeks if the authorities and her doctors believe that she’s a danger to herself and others. TMZ says that her doctors will ask for a 2-week extension, because they think she might be schizophrenic and they need time to diagnose her. While Amanda’s in the hospital, her parents will finally finally FINALLY finally makes moves to put her in a conservatorship. Apparently, Amanda’s parents have been thinking about taking a page out of Daddy Spears’ handbook, but their hands were tied, because she passed a psychiatric evaluation in NYC after she was arrested for throwing her bong out her window and her behavior wasn’t crazy enough for a judge to put somebody else in charge of her life.
But all of that changed when Amanda set fire to an old lady’s driveway and nearly turned her dog into a living Molotov cocktail when she brought his gasoline-covered body into a store full of booze.
FREEEEEEE (insert the name of Amanda Bynes’ dog here and I’ll be really disappointed if his name isn’t Bongie Graham)!!!!
Amanda Bynes is sitting in a hospital on a 5150 hold right now, because she had a full-on breakdown and nearly melted the tips on her polyester wig when she started a fire on a stranger’s driveway near her parent’s house in Thousand Oaks, CA. Now TMZ is saying that it wasn’t a small campfire. One witness says that Amanda was trying to make a DIY bomb. Amanda dragged a gas canister on the driveway and threw a flaming cloth on it. He didn’t know if the gas canister was full or not, but he still jumped out of his car, ran over and found Amanda lying on the driveway. Her pant leg was on fire, so he put that out. Amanda wasn’t hurt, but he says her dog was burned. HER DOG GOT BURNED! That flaming fire is a serious bitch. Why couldn’t it eat Amanda’s wig instead of coming at her dog? That poor dog is somewhere rubbing burn cream on his body while inhaling the rancid, nasty, smell of burnt fur. And the smell of burnt fur is like an unemployed and broke trick you picked up on Craigslist for a one-night-stand. It doesn’t ever go away.
The guy says that after he put out the fire, Amanda ran off and he went after her and her dog. As he was chasing her, she was on the phone with a cab and when the cab showed up, she jumped in. He tried to stop her, but she got away. The cops later caught up to her and 5150′d her.
Bonnie Braaten, the widow who lives in the house that Amanda almost blew up, talked to reporters today and showed them and some children the burn mark on her driveway. If you look closely, you can almost see the face of Drake winking at you.
Bonnie tells TMZ that one neighbor has offered to power wash her driveway for free, but she turned down his offer, because she thinks Amanda’s parents should pay for the cleanup. But Amanda’s father tells TMZ that he isn’t taking out his wallet, because he believes Amanda should pay for it. As Memaw Bonnie and Amanda’s parents fight over important issues like who the hell should pay to wash the stupid ass driveway, Amanda’s sitting in a mental ward. Priorities! I’m sure they can work this out, though.
Hopefully after Amanda gets help, she’ll pay to get the ugly out of Memaw Bonnie’s driveway and Memaw Bonnie will give her some much needed beauty tips. I mean, look at Bonnie’s bowl cut of perfection. Who ever cut Bonnie’s hair should do circumcisions. Her hair is that exquisitely cut. She’s what mushrooms look like in heaven. So Amanda would be lucky to have Memaw Bonnie as her beauty mentor. We’d all be lucky to have Memaw Bonnie as our beauty mentor.