Archives: July 2015

Subway Jared’s Home Got Raided In A Child Porn Investigation

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.

FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.

The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.

In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.

And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.

Pic: Subway

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The dude named Cock who is cleaning up the dick on the road in the Netherlands! 

This beautiful story about Cock and dick cums from RTV Utrecht and I had to check to make sure that “RTV Utrecht” isn’t Dutch for “The Onion,” because this shit is perfect. Tour De France started in the Netherlands this year and in the town of Oudewater, someone decided that the cyclists really needed some great, big giant peen to cheer them on and get their asses in gear. I guess my favorite artiste, Wanksy, decided to spread his gorgeous dick art to other countries.

For some strange reason, the town of Oudewater and the Tour De France officials didn’t appreciate the jizzing dicks in the street and wanted it cleaned up. The regular Peencasso apparently used water-resistant paint so they couldn’t just easily scrub the dicks away. But one resident of Oudewater named Cock Verkerk still tried to erase the peen from the streets and he got down and tried to rub them out. There’s only room for one Cock on the streets of Oudewater!

Here’s a piece from RTV Utrecht’s story which was translated from Dutch by your always-drunk cousin who spent a stoned summer in Amsterdam once (aka Google Translate):

Traditionally drawing cyclists encouraging slogans on the asphalt, but many penises are an eyesore. Similarly Cock Verkerk, native of Oudewater. He tried the penis in his street in vain to scrub away. “But I’m not hearing himself signed!”

The municipality promised that the fire department would come along to remove the penis. But they are difficult to remove because it is water resistant paint. The removal is not successful.

Before they clean it up, I need to use my miles to get my ass (and other parts) to Oudewater, because heaven is a place where peens decorate the roads and a dude named Cock lives.

Pic: @marlieswessels (For Ricardo)

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Birthday Sluts

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Ringo Starr (75)
Ashton Irwin (21)
Toni Garrn (23)
Cassidy (33)
Michelle Kwan (35)
Hamish Linklater (38)
Berenice Bejo (39)
Lisa Leslie (43)
Kristen Vangsness (43)
Christian Camargo (44)
Cree Summer (46)
Jorja Fox (47)
Jim Gaffigan (49)
Mo Collins (50)
Jeremy Kyle (50)
Vonda Shepard (52)
Billy Campbell (56)
Jessica Hahn (56)
Shelley Duvall (66)
David Hodo of The Village People (68)
Doc Severinsen (88)

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Night Crumbs

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Brangelina and the child army made their way through LAX on Sunday and the mere mortals went crazy. It’s just Brad Pitt, damn! If those people really want a picture of Brad Pitt, but without the hassle of getting one, they should just take a picture of a billy boat in a fedora, sunglasses and a gold chain. Their friends won’t know the difference when they post it on Instagram – Lainey Gossip 

Magic Mike XXL debuted at #4 at the box office this weekend. This would’ve never happened if they listened to me and stuffed the second movie with loads of full frontal and hardcore gay sex – Celebitchy

Brandi Glanville filed official legal documents claiming that Joanna Krupa had the “smelly pussy” comment coming – Reality Tea 

Miley Cyrus celebrated Independence Day by dressing up like something out of Spring Breakers II: Whores of JulyDrunken Stepfather

Parasite Hilton might be the cancer antidote – The Superficial 

Here’s Nicolas Cage in motion as Superman. If Nicolas Cage’s Superman ever happened, kryptonite wouldn’t be his kryptonite. The beeeeeeees would’ve been his kryptonite – Egotastic

Sienna Miller is living the life – Hollywood Tuna 

Vanessa Williams got married and please tell me she didn’t sing “Save The Best For Last” during the bride and room dance – Bossip

Eva Longoria didn’t even match her nail polish color to her two piece. TACKY! – Popoholic

Posh Beckham FINALLY made the cover of Vogue (Australia) – OMG Blog

Dustin Hoffman thinks movies nowadays are about as good as the turd you dropped in the toilet this morning. Er, so I take it he didn’t see Magic Mike XXL this weekend? – Pajiba

And there goes a piece of the 80s… Amanda Peterson from Can’t Buy Me Love has died – HuffPo

And joining Amanda Peterson on the long walk up to heaven is Hollywood mega producer Jerry WeintraubJust Jared 

And while they’re making their way, they can keep their lips poppin’ with Burt’s Bees lip gloss provided by Burt himself – Jezebel

Ending this Crumbs with all that death is too sad, so let’s end it with Thor’s nipples – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Bill Cosby Admitted In A 2005 Deposition To Buying Quaaludes To “Use” On Young Women

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In 2005, Bill Cosby had to testify under oath after Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee, sued him and accused him of doing what more than half of the planet has accused him of. Andrea accused the mound of bloated smugness and melted Pudding Pops of drugging and assaulting her in 2004 at his mansion in Philadelphia. During his testimony, Cosby admitted to buying Quaaludes with the intent to give them to women he wanted to have “sex” with. Cosby also admitted to giving Andrea three and a half Benadryl pills because she told him she was stressed out. Andrea’s lawyer at the time, Dolores M. Troiani, threw a side-eye and four squints at that. Dolores said that she believes Cosby gave Andrea something much stronger than Benadryl.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Falling Demi Lovato

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I know this is crazy thinking, but when you wear 12-foot-tall stilt shoes on a slippery surface that’s covered in water, there’s a good chance you’re going to need your friends to peel your face off of the ground after your stupid ass falls. While promoting her new song “Cool For The Summer” at one of her pool parties in L.A., my current favorite fashion icon Demi Lovato learned the hard way that the answer to the equation “heels + a wet surface” is: eating shit. A thousand “falling like her single on the iTunes charts” jokes were born when Demi went BOOM.

Demi, you dumbass. It’s still summer. It’s not fall time yet! (Yeah, the GONG is where it usually is. I polished it for you.) But really, apparently “Demi Lovato falling” is a thing that happens often. Trick was falling for attention long before Jennifer Lawrence was doing. She’s the eating floor queen and I’m sure Scarlet will tell you that Demi is her falling inspiration. There’s compilation videos of Demi’s falls. I bet Demi’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again douche of a boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama shows those compilation videos to his friends and says, “You know why she has trouble standing, brah,” while pointing at the bulge I’ve stared at for way too long.

And here’s Demi at one of her pool parties in Miami solidifying herself as a fashion leader by dressing like a Florida NASCAR parking lot hooker.

Pics: KDNPIX, Getty

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Elizabeth Olsen Vs. A Gust Of French Wind

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!

Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.

But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.

Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.

Pics: Splash/INF

Hugh Jackman’s Wife Will Never Let Him Work With Homewrecking Legend St. Angie Jolie

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:

Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.

“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.

“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges

I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.

Nicki Minaj Accidentally Started A Twitter Fight With Joe Biden

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is random. Nicki Minaj and her maybe-fiancé of three months Meek Mill recently got into an online fight that ended with Nicki pointing her pitchfork in Joe Biden’s direction. Why? Because she can’t tell the difference between the names Budden and Biden. If you’re looking for a creative wedding present for Nicki, might I suggest registering her for a couple of beginner reading classes at The Learning Annex.

E! says it all started shortly after rapper Joe Budden verbally shat on Meek Mill during a recent episode of his podcast, I’ll Name This Podcast Later. Joe claimed Meek’s music is “too hard” for him to be serving up “fucking sappy fuck shit” realness when he’s around Nicki. Joe Budden must have been one of those dudes who was dumped at the prom or something, because he goes in hard on Nicki and Meek Mill’s romance:

“Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure [Nicki] was attracted to at some point. It’s nasty. I hate everything about it. [Meek’s] all like this bitch just stepped off of fucking Mars and is like the only girl. I hate it all. But I do appreciate them for keeping the hope of love alive.”

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