Archives: July 2015

Night Crumbs

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Brangelina and the child army made their way through LAX on Sunday and the mere mortals went crazy. It’s just Brad Pitt, damn! If those people really want a picture of Brad Pitt, but without the hassle of getting one, they should just take a picture of a billy boat in a fedora, sunglasses and a gold chain. Their friends won’t know the difference when they post it on Instagram – Lainey Gossip 

Magic Mike XXL debuted at #4 at the box office this weekend. This would’ve never happened if they listened to me and stuffed the second movie with loads of full frontal and hardcore gay sex – Celebitchy

Brandi Glanville filed official legal documents claiming that Joanna Krupa had the “smelly pussy” comment coming – Reality Tea 

Miley Cyrus celebrated Independence Day by dressing up like something out of Spring Breakers II: Whores of JulyDrunken Stepfather

Parasite Hilton might be the cancer antidote – The Superficial 

Here’s Nicolas Cage in motion as Superman. If Nicolas Cage’s Superman ever happened, kryptonite wouldn’t be his kryptonite. The beeeeeeees would’ve been his kryptonite – Egotastic

Sienna Miller is living the life – Hollywood Tuna 

Vanessa Williams got married and please tell me she didn’t sing “Save The Best For Last” during the bride and room dance – Bossip

Eva Longoria didn’t even match her nail polish color to her two piece. TACKY! – Popoholic

Posh Beckham FINALLY made the cover of Vogue (Australia) – OMG Blog

Dustin Hoffman thinks movies nowadays are about as good as the turd you dropped in the toilet this morning. Er, so I take it he didn’t see Magic Mike XXL this weekend? – Pajiba

And there goes a piece of the 80s… Amanda Peterson from Can’t Buy Me Love has died – HuffPo

And joining Amanda Peterson on the long walk up to heaven is Hollywood mega producer Jerry WeintraubJust Jared 

And while they’re making their way, they can keep their lips poppin’ with Burt’s Bees lip gloss provided by Burt himself – Jezebel

Ending this Crumbs with all that death is too sad, so let’s end it with Thor’s nipples – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Bill Cosby Admitted In A 2005 Deposition To Buying Quaaludes To “Use” On Young Women

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In 2005, Bill Cosby had to testify under oath after Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee, sued him and accused him of doing what more than half of the planet has accused him of. Andrea accused the mound of bloated smugness and melted Pudding Pops of drugging and assaulting her in 2004 at his mansion in Philadelphia. During his testimony, Cosby admitted to buying Quaaludes with the intent to give them to women he wanted to have “sex” with. Cosby also admitted to giving Andrea three and a half Benadryl pills because she told him she was stressed out. Andrea’s lawyer at the time, Dolores M. Troiani, threw a side-eye and four squints at that. Dolores said that she believes Cosby gave Andrea something much stronger than Benadryl.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Falling Demi Lovato

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I know this is crazy thinking, but when you wear 12-foot-tall stilt shoes on a slippery surface that’s covered in water, there’s a good chance you’re going to need your friends to peel your face off of the ground after your stupid ass falls. While promoting her new song “Cool For The Summer” at one of her pool parties in L.A., my current favorite fashion icon Demi Lovato learned the hard way that the answer to the equation “heels + a wet surface” is: eating shit. A thousand “falling like her single on the iTunes charts” jokes were born when Demi went BOOM.

Demi, you dumbass. It’s still summer. It’s not fall time yet! (Yeah, the GONG is where it usually is. I polished it for you.) But really, apparently “Demi Lovato falling” is a thing that happens often. Trick was falling for attention long before Jennifer Lawrence was doing. She’s the eating floor queen and I’m sure Scarlet will tell you that Demi is her falling inspiration. There’s compilation videos of Demi’s falls. I bet Demi’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again douche of a boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama shows those compilation videos to his friends and says, “You know why she has trouble standing, brah,” while pointing at the bulge I’ve stared at for way too long.

And here’s Demi at one of her pool parties in Miami solidifying herself as a fashion leader by dressing like a Florida NASCAR parking lot hooker.

Pics: KDNPIX, Getty

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Elizabeth Olsen Vs. A Gust Of French Wind

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Wind truly is the shameless pervert of the weather world. It’s always blowing up skirts and blowing against the crotch parts of pants. Sure, rain makes everyone look like they’re starring in a low-budget wet clothes fetish porno, but at least rain helps flowers grow. Wind does nothing but embarrass you. Case in point, Elizabeth Olsen at a Miu Miu fragrance launch in Paris on Saturday. Chris Evans’ secret on-set girlfriend showed up wearing a dress from the Shirley Partridge Collection, and it only took about three seconds in front of the paps before that sleazy creep came and blew up her dress. Inappropriate, wind!

Thankfully, Elizabeth brought a pussy-hiding purse with her and she was able to push her dress back down. Still, she might want to take a cue from The Queen and fill her skirt hem full of weights next time. And yes, there will be a next time – there’s always a chance that a no-good skirt-flipping gust of wind is lurking around, ready to pounce and expose your down-lows. The wind is the Joe Francis of the meteorology world.

But if Elizabeth really wants to get back at the wind, she could always ask her pocket goth older sisters, the Olsen Twins, to put a curse on it. What am I saying? They probably already have beef with the wind. One strong gust, and they’re blown thirty feet into the air like two plastic bags.

Here’s more of Elizabeth at the Miu Miu event, as well as Kate Moss, Amber Heard, the Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaards, and Sally Draper.

Pics: Splash/INF

Hugh Jackman’s Wife Will Never Let Him Work With Homewrecking Legend St. Angie Jolie

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:

Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.

“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.

“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges

I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.

Nicki Minaj Accidentally Started A Twitter Fight With Joe Biden

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is random. Nicki Minaj and her maybe-fiancé of three months Meek Mill recently got into an online fight that ended with Nicki pointing her pitchfork in Joe Biden’s direction. Why? Because she can’t tell the difference between the names Budden and Biden. If you’re looking for a creative wedding present for Nicki, might I suggest registering her for a couple of beginner reading classes at The Learning Annex.

E! says it all started shortly after rapper Joe Budden verbally shat on Meek Mill during a recent episode of his podcast, I’ll Name This Podcast Later. Joe claimed Meek’s music is “too hard” for him to be serving up “fucking sappy fuck shit” realness when he’s around Nicki. Joe Budden must have been one of those dudes who was dumped at the prom or something, because he goes in hard on Nicki and Meek Mill’s romance:

“Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure [Nicki] was attracted to at some point. It’s nasty. I hate everything about it. [Meek’s] all like this bitch just stepped off of fucking Mars and is like the only girl. I hate it all. But I do appreciate them for keeping the hope of love alive.”

And On The Season Premiere Of Krapping Up The Kartrashians…

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?

Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:

“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.

Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”

Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.

I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:

kourtscottbreakup12

That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)

Martin Lawrence Celebrated Independence Day Together

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.

A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.

“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”

Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.

The dude from Coldplay.Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).

JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.

Pics: Splash

People Magazine Got The First Pictures Of Bennifer 2.0 In the Bahamas

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner took their estranged asses to the Bahamas right before announcing their marriage was officially roadkill, because they didn’t want the paparazzi getting all up in their lives. Well, I don’t know how the paparazzi did it, but they somehow managed to find Ben and Jennifer having a ~serious~ moment on the beach in the Bahamas. (Today, the meaning of “somehow managed” is: The paparazzi just drove their rented boat to the place Bennnifer 2.0’s publicists told them to go at a specific time.)

People posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner sitting next to each other on some beach steps during their post-divorce announcement vacation in the Bahamas. An “onlooker” (aka either a nosy seagull or the pap) says that Ben and Jen’s “serious and somber” conversation on the beach steps lasted only a few minutes. They were cordial, but they never touched and when they weren’t talking, they stared into space at nothing. Um, isn’t that how most conversations with Ben Affleck go?

People tweeted this picture which gives me “Heidi Montag crying on a beat-up chair for the paps” vibes but without the organic raw emotions:

The “onlooker” didn’t say what Ben and Jennifer specifically talked about, but I’m guessing during their conversation he asked, “Ugh, we’ve been sitting here for like 5 minutes. Haven’t they taken enough pics?” To which Jennifer said, “Just pretend you’ve got something in your eye so they can see that you’re still wearing your wedding ring. Then you can go back to the stupid fucking casino, okay?!”

And this completely natural and not-at-all-staged somber photo shoot was brought to you by Coke. Share a Coke® with your emotionally unavailable, good-for-nothing almost ex-husband during a natural photo shoot for People.

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