Archives: July 2015

Xander From Buffy Asked Dr. Drew For Help

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

I think everybody can relate to the koala on the left after reading that headline. That’s a real “I…don’t know if this is such a good idea” face.

Last month, Nicholas Brendon made a really good decision when he took a break from the Comic-Con hotel-trashing circuit and checked himself into rehab to battle his addiction and depression. Now it looks like he’s decided to counter-balance that good decision with a not-so-good one by asking Dr. Drew for help. Apparently recovery is getting expensive, and Xander is looking for some wallet-friendly options. Like the kind of options that come with an appearance fee. He’s also open to Dr. Phil if Dr. Drew isn’t available.

The only doctor missing from that list is Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. Or maybe he was included in the first draft of that tweet, but demanded Nicholas Brendon remove his name because he doesn’t want to be associated with that sleazy quack Dr. Phil.

Shortly after Nicholas asked Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil for help, he tweeted that he had found a dual-diagnosis facility and was heading back into recovery. Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious what happened here. Nicholas Brendon needed a new recovery center, but he didn’t have the cash, so he publicly reached out to noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil. Every addiction specialist in the country knows you’d have to be truly desperate for help to contact noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil, so they reached out to Nicholas and offered him their services. Very smart, Xander.

ICYMI: Justin Bieber Put His Nalgas On Display On Instagram

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

And apologies if you wanted to miss this.

Because I have wonderful timing, I’m following up a post about a child porn investigation with a picture of Justin Bieber flashing his Baby Alive ass cheeks on Instagram. The Biebs must have been sick and tired of watching Chelsea Handler and Chrissy Teigen get all the attention for putting their parts on display on Instagram, because last night he made all the crazed Beliebers scream, “I’ve got the maple syrup,” when he posted a picture of his bare Canadian pancakes on a yacht somewhere. That picture is a cross between a still out of a gay porn parody of Lost and a still out of a gay porn parody of Fantasy Island starring that tattooed twink as Tattoo. If that mountain had a mouth it would be laughing. Or maybe it’s a Belieber and if that’s the case, its nasty ass would be drooling.

Like with most things, I consulted my life adviser and spiritual guide Jackée Harry after seeing this picture last night. I checked her Twitter to see her thoughts about the Biebs’ hairless beaver ass. I immediately searched for a SideEyeFromMary.GIF to throw at her when I read this tweet from her: “@justinbieber looks FYNE, doesn’t he?! But wait.. #AgeCheck.” The thirst is a very real epidemic when Sandra is licking her lips over Justin Bieber’s ass.

If your eyeballs really need a serving of the Biebs’ butt, the un-Usher’d pic is after the cut. As always, the Biebs’ sassy Jesus calf tattoo says it all. I’m really disappointed that nobody pushed the Biebs into that ocean when they had the chance.

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Russell Wilson Wants You To Know He’s Not Having Sex With Ciara

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time Ciara boarded the boyfriend express, the train’s conductor – a rapper named Future – swung through Baby Town (population: one baby named Future Zahir Wilburn), followed by a brief stop in Cheaterville. It ended with Ciara saying sayonara to her baby daddy. Eventually Ciara decided to hitch a ride on the boyfriend express once again, but this time she doesn’t have to worry about any baby daddy drama, because the train has no plans of pulling into her station.

People says Ciara’s current boyfriend, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, spoke at San Diego’s Rock Church on Sunday about a bunch of things, including his relationship with Ciara. Russell Wilson, who is a hard-core Christian, confessed that Ciara’s goodies will be staying in the jar. And apparently it was his suggestion to keep them there.

“I said to her – and she completely agreed – ‘Can we love each other without that?’ If you can love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody.”

Obviously, Ciara agreed with him, because she’s still with him.

Russell Wilson is keeping his dick in a jar  for now, but that doesn’t mean he’s still got his V card. Russell was married to his high school sweetheart, but they called it quits in April 2014.

After Russell admitted that he and Ciara have put their genitals in a storage box and slipped them into the crawlspace under the stairs, he jokingly told the audience, “I ain’t going to lie to you all now. I need you all to pray for us.” Then his penis grabbed the microphone and added, “No, for real. We need prayers. Lots of prayers. And if there are any doctors out there with access to some kind of pill that will make me forget about the fact that I really really want to have sex, that would be greatly appreciated too.

Pic: Splash

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Subway Jared’s Home Got Raided In A Child Porn Investigation

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.

FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.

The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.

In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.

And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.

Pic: Subway

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The dude named Cock who is cleaning up the dick on the road in the Netherlands! 

This beautiful story about Cock and dick cums from RTV Utrecht and I had to check to make sure that “RTV Utrecht” isn’t Dutch for “The Onion,” because this shit is perfect. Tour De France started in the Netherlands this year and in the town of Oudewater, someone decided that the cyclists really needed some great, big giant peen to cheer them on and get their asses in gear. I guess my favorite artiste, Wanksy, decided to spread his gorgeous dick art to other countries.

For some strange reason, the town of Oudewater and the Tour De France officials didn’t appreciate the jizzing dicks in the street and wanted it cleaned up. The regular Peencasso apparently used water-resistant paint so they couldn’t just easily scrub the dicks away. But one resident of Oudewater named Cock Verkerk still tried to erase the peen from the streets and he got down and tried to rub them out. There’s only room for one Cock on the streets of Oudewater!

Here’s a piece from RTV Utrecht’s story which was translated from Dutch by your always-drunk cousin who spent a stoned summer in Amsterdam once (aka Google Translate):

Traditionally drawing cyclists encouraging slogans on the asphalt, but many penises are an eyesore. Similarly Cock Verkerk, native of Oudewater. He tried the penis in his street in vain to scrub away. “But I’m not hearing himself signed!”

The municipality promised that the fire department would come along to remove the penis. But they are difficult to remove because it is water resistant paint. The removal is not successful.

Before they clean it up, I need to use my miles to get my ass (and other parts) to Oudewater, because heaven is a place where peens decorate the roads and a dude named Cock lives.

Pic: @marlieswessels (For Ricardo)

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Birthday Sluts

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Ringo Starr (75)
Ashton Irwin (21)
Toni Garrn (23)
Cassidy (33)
Michelle Kwan (35)
Hamish Linklater (38)
Berenice Bejo (39)
Lisa Leslie (43)
Kristen Vangsness (43)
Christian Camargo (44)
Cree Summer (46)
Jorja Fox (47)
Jim Gaffigan (49)
Mo Collins (50)
Jeremy Kyle (50)
Vonda Shepard (52)
Billy Campbell (56)
Jessica Hahn (56)
Shelley Duvall (66)
David Hodo of The Village People (68)
Doc Severinsen (88)

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Night Crumbs

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Brangelina and the child army made their way through LAX on Sunday and the mere mortals went crazy. It’s just Brad Pitt, damn! If those people really want a picture of Brad Pitt, but without the hassle of getting one, they should just take a picture of a billy boat in a fedora, sunglasses and a gold chain. Their friends won’t know the difference when they post it on Instagram – Lainey Gossip 

Magic Mike XXL debuted at #4 at the box office this weekend. This would’ve never happened if they listened to me and stuffed the second movie with loads of full frontal and hardcore gay sex – Celebitchy

Brandi Glanville filed official legal documents claiming that Joanna Krupa had the “smelly pussy” comment coming – Reality Tea 

Miley Cyrus celebrated Independence Day by dressing up like something out of Spring Breakers II: Whores of JulyDrunken Stepfather

Parasite Hilton might be the cancer antidote – The Superficial 

Here’s Nicolas Cage in motion as Superman. If Nicolas Cage’s Superman ever happened, kryptonite wouldn’t be his kryptonite. The beeeeeeees would’ve been his kryptonite – Egotastic

Sienna Miller is living the life – Hollywood Tuna 

Vanessa Williams got married and please tell me she didn’t sing “Save The Best For Last” during the bride and room dance – Bossip

Eva Longoria didn’t even match her nail polish color to her two piece. TACKY! – Popoholic

Posh Beckham FINALLY made the cover of Vogue (Australia) – OMG Blog

Dustin Hoffman thinks movies nowadays are about as good as the turd you dropped in the toilet this morning. Er, so I take it he didn’t see Magic Mike XXL this weekend? – Pajiba

And there goes a piece of the 80s… Amanda Peterson from Can’t Buy Me Love has died – HuffPo

And joining Amanda Peterson on the long walk up to heaven is Hollywood mega producer Jerry WeintraubJust Jared 

And while they’re making their way, they can keep their lips poppin’ with Burt’s Bees lip gloss provided by Burt himself – Jezebel

Ending this Crumbs with all that death is too sad, so let’s end it with Thor’s nipples – Popsugar

Pic: Splash

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Bill Cosby Admitted In A 2005 Deposition To Buying Quaaludes To “Use” On Young Women

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

In 2005, Bill Cosby had to testify under oath after Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee, sued him and accused him of doing what more than half of the planet has accused him of. Andrea accused the mound of bloated smugness and melted Pudding Pops of drugging and assaulting her in 2004 at his mansion in Philadelphia. During his testimony, Cosby admitted to buying Quaaludes with the intent to give them to women he wanted to have “sex” with. Cosby also admitted to giving Andrea three and a half Benadryl pills because she told him she was stressed out. Andrea’s lawyer at the time, Dolores M. Troiani, threw a side-eye and four squints at that. Dolores said that she believes Cosby gave Andrea something much stronger than Benadryl.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Falling Demi Lovato

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

I know this is crazy thinking, but when you wear 12-foot-tall stilt shoes on a slippery surface that’s covered in water, there’s a good chance you’re going to need your friends to peel your face off of the ground after your stupid ass falls. While promoting her new song “Cool For The Summer” at one of her pool parties in L.A., my current favorite fashion icon Demi Lovato learned the hard way that the answer to the equation “heels + a wet surface” is: eating shit. A thousand “falling like her single on the iTunes charts” jokes were born when Demi went BOOM.

Demi, you dumbass. It’s still summer. It’s not fall time yet! (Yeah, the GONG is where it usually is. I polished it for you.) But really, apparently “Demi Lovato falling” is a thing that happens often. Trick was falling for attention long before Jennifer Lawrence was doing. She’s the eating floor queen and I’m sure Scarlet will tell you that Demi is her falling inspiration. There’s compilation videos of Demi’s falls. I bet Demi’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again douche of a boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama shows those compilation videos to his friends and says, “You know why she has trouble standing, brah,” while pointing at the bulge I’ve stared at for way too long.

And here’s Demi at one of her pool parties in Miami solidifying herself as a fashion leader by dressing like a Florida NASCAR parking lot hooker.

Pics: KDNPIX, Getty

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