Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.
TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age. So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.
But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.
And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.
Artist Daniel Edwards, the Michelangelo of pure fuckery, is back and is once again burning our brains with his art. Daniel is the HIGH ART mastermind who melted our eyeballs with his Britney Spears birthing statute, his OctoMom butt plug, his Brangeloonie monument and so on and so on…
Daniel’s latest work is a Scientology shroud of the cult’s reigning empress Tommy Girl in all his naked glory. My eyes don’t know whether to burn from that boy band hair or from his dick and balls looking like a ram head door knocker. E! News says that to “celebrate” Tommy’s 25 years with Scientology, Daniel worked with the Cory Allen Contemporary Art in St. Petersburg, FL to create the shroud and some commemorative coins. A press release says that the shroud and the coins will be on display at a “pop-up of the Church of Scientology” near Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL. Both Tommy and Scientology had nothing to do with this messiness and you can tell, because if they did, his already exaggerated dick and balls would be bigger, he’d be five feet taller, David Miscavige’s lips would be on that ass and dozens of Scientology slave boys would be worshiping at his feet.
Even though Tommy had nothing to do with the making of that shit, Daniel Edwards shouldn’t be surprised if he receives a mysterious phone call from someone asking him to make a life-sized rubber sculpture of that shroud and to please put a pre-lubed hole in between the ass cheeks. The caller will tell Daniel that he can put the order under the name “Jack Hunt.”
Lover of youngins’ James Woods (I linked to the proof, James Woods’ lawyer!) filed a defamation lawsuit against an anonymous Twitter user who accused him of regularly inhaling the bad shit with his nostrils. James Woods filed the $10 million lawsuit in L.A. Superior Court yesterday. While he was in the mood to file stuff, he also should’ve made his way to the police department and filed a missing eyebrows report. (The proof is in that picture, James Woods’ lawyer!)
The Hollywood Reporter says that while most celebrities let out a “meh” when someone on Twitter trashes them, James is taking that shit to court. On July 15th, a Twitter user who went by the name “Abe List” (their account has since been deleted) said, “cocaine addict James Woods still sniffing and spouting,” in response to a tweet James twatted out about how USA Today focused on Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPYs dress instead of the Planned Parenthood “baby parts” video. James’ lawsuit says that Abe List started fucking with him back in December 2014. When James shat up a birther-related tweet about President Obama, Abe List called him a “ridiculous clown boy” and “a joke.”
James Woods’ says that calling him a “cocaine addict” was way over the line (so many “I’m surprised he didn’t snort up that line” jokes, so little time) and he’s not going to take it. James denies being a coke head. If James simply blocked Abe List and kept it moving, only a few thousand people would have seen the words “James Woods” and “cocaine addict” in one sentence, but now millions have thanks to the lawsuit being reported by everyone. But that doesn’t matter, because James is trying to prove a point!
“AL’s reckless and malicious behavior, through the worldwide reach of the internet, has now jeopardized Woods’ good name and reputation on an international scale,” states the complaint. “AL, and anyone else using social media to propagate lies and do harm, should take note. They are not impervious to the law.”
THR says that James Woods’ lawyer will have to prove that the tweet was made maliciously and they’ll also have to subpoena Twitter to find out the identity of the person behind “Abe List.” Everybody better try to look shocked when Abe List turns out to be the legendary SEAN YOUNG!
Halle Berry was papped wearing her wedding ring while doing shopping stuff with her daughter Nahla Aubry in Beverly Hills, CA the other day, but Radar (I know, I know) says that her ring may soon find itself hitting Olivier Martinez’s face after she throws it at him before filing for divorce.
A source tells Radar that Halle Berry and her husband of only 2 years Olivier Martinez are separated and living in different places. He’s living in Malibu while she’s living with their 21-month-old son Maceo and her daughter in the Hollywood Hills. Apparently, their relationship started circling the drain only a year into their marriage. I always thought that Halle Berry got life from drama, but the source says that even she has her limits and she can’t deal with Olivier Martinez’s temper anymore. Olivier, of course, went batshit on Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and he followed that up by smearing a pap at LAX. After the messiness at LAX, Halle told Olivier that their marriage will be over unless he goes to therapy. I guess he never went, because he’s close to becoming Halle Berry’s third ex-husband. The source spit this out:
“It seems Halle and Olivier have finally hit the end of the road. They’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs in their relationship – but recently, Olivier has been completely MIA. Halle is telling pals she worries that Olivier’s runaway temper could put her kids at risk. They’ve just been delaying the inevitable split.”
Halle and Olivier won’t even have to announce that they’ve filed for divorce. We’ll know the minute one of them files for divorce, because her child custody lawyers will be seen busting into a kick line down the street as they sing, “We’re in the money, the skies are sunny,” while making their way to the Lamborghini dealership. Halle and Gabriel’s child support fight will have NOTHING on Halle and Olivier’s child custody battle.
That’s probably why the court in California rejected Kelly Rutherford’s case. They knew that they’ll soon have their hands completely full while dealing with Halle and her two crazy baby fathers.
Warning: Before you read what Woody Allen said about his relationship with Soon-Yi Previn, you should strap your skin down with something strong, because it will want to crawl off of your body and you don’t want your tissue flying all over the place as you chase after it. That won’t be a good look.
Ben Affleck’s rep has already denied away that he has completed almost every step in “The Guide To Having A Cliche Mid-Life Crisis” by doing his children’s nanny. Ben is shaking his head “no” to the rumor that he had something going on with the nanny who was hired and fired by Jennifer Garner. He’s even threatened to sue. UsWeekly was the first one to report the rumor and now People, who has pretty much been Bennifer 2.0’s voice throughout their divorce, is saying that the nanny, Christine Ouzounian, is telling her friends that she’s ~in love~ with Ben. Well, judging by these paparazzi pictures of her that were taken yesterday, Ben has some competition. Because it looks like she’s ~in love~ with the cameras too.
My newly engaged friends Blake Lawrence and Olivia Wawrzaszek’s reaction after seeing this viral photo was “there but for the grace of God.” – trullo
“SHE FINALLY SAID YES!” – The Gheyest NightWriter™
The Grumpy Puppy!
The dog world must be sick and tired of all of the shine and millions of dollars Grumpy Cat has gotten over the years, so they have thrown their own contender into the ring. Earl is a half beagle, half pug (a puggle) whose human says that he was born looking like he was just forced to watch an Adam Sandler movie marathon while lying in a CROC bed. That dog’s looking at me like I just said that I love the Kardashians and meant it. That’s dog’s looking at me like I just farted and blamed it on him. That dog’s looking at me like I just told him those two “jokes.”
Yahoo! UK says that Earl’s climb to Internet fame started a few days ago when his human Derek Bloomfield of Iowa posted his picture on Reddit. A grumpy ass Internet star was born. Earl now has a Facebook and an Instagram page and he’s well on his way to starring in a Lifetime Christmas special and getting extra grumpy as he’s forced to pose with celebs from B to Zzz. Derek says that even though Earl looks like Joe Jackson when his favorite switch goes missing, he is happy on the inside.
“He has had the grumpy expression from day one. The vet said he’s as healthy as any other puppy. He just looks grumpy because of his underbite, wrinkles, and dark complexion. He is the most relaxed, content puppy either one of us has ever seen.”
The definition of grumpy is: “surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.” Honestly, Earl looks like he’s way past grumpy. He looks like he’s raging on the inside. That’s a “hide the knives, don’t go to sleep, keep the lights on, pre-dial 911 on your phone” kind of mad. But I guess “Going To Kill You Puppy” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Grumpy Puppy” does.
I welcome our new grumpy Internet star! Here’s hoping that Grumpy Puppy and Grumpy Cat join forces one day in a reboot of Grumpy Old Men. Earl is obviously the Walter Matthau.
Kate Bush (57)
Diana Vickers (24)
Gina Rodriguez (31)
Yvonne Strahovski (33)
Hope Solo (34)
Misty May-Treanor (38)
Jaime Pressly (38)
Hilary Swank (41)
Elvis Crespo (44)
Tom Green (44)
Christine Taylor (44)
Christopher Nolan (45)
Simon Baker (46)
Terry Crews (47)
Vivica A. Fox (51)
Lisa Kudrow (52)
Alton Brown (53)
Laurence Fishburne (54)
Richard Linklater (55)
Delta Burke (59)
Ken Olin (61)
Frank Stallone (65)
Jean Reno (67)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (68)
Paul Anka (74)
Peter Bogdanovich (76)
Pic: Govert de Roos
I know, I know, technically that picture was taken in the early 90s, but who cares about petty details when there’s good news to talk about for a change.
Variety says that the NBC peacock has finally pulled its head out of its ass and is doing what it should’ve done a long time ago. NBC is making a TV show about the modeling world in the 80s. One of George Clooney’s drinking partners and one of the biggest supermodels of all-time, Cindy Crawford, is producing the drama with Anne Heche and Anne’s husband James Tupper. Random IS Anne Heche and Cindy Crawford making a glamorous TV show about warring models in the 80s. Variety has a few details:
“Icon,” hailing from Universal TV, revolves around the modeling wars in the ’80s that occurred between Ford Modeling Agency and Elite Model Management. The show is completely fictionalized, rather than a re-telling of Crawford’s own experiences. No actual names of models or figures from the time will be used.
I know we’ve all been waiting for Cindy Crawford to once again knock us over with her impeccable acting skills the way she did in Fair Game, but she’s not going to be in it. She’s strictly producing.
This world needs a lot of things, but it really needs a TV show about 80s models. I hope Cindy, Anne and Anne’s husband don’t fuck it up. I also hope it’s a hit, because if it is, it may lead to reboots of Models Inc. and the 80s jewel that never got the chance to fully sparkle: Paper Dolls!
Actually, Cindy should just go ahead and save herself some time and just remake Paper Dolls using the original cast.
Pics: Peter Lindbergh