Archives: July 2015

Night Crumbs

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

62-year-old Jeff Goldblum is a dad for the first time. Jeff and his young ass wife have named their new bright red son Charlie Ocean. They should’ve named him NotMyGrandsonOkay Goldblum since I’m guessing the #1 question strangers will ask Jeff will be, “Awww, is that your grandson?” – Just Jared

Blind Item Time! A movie star, whose name I’m guessing rhymes with Men Bathpeck, was dumped by his wife for chasing the dragon – Lainey Gossip 

Whoopi Goldberg is still on Team Bill Cosby, because you know, she lost her damn mind a long time ago – The Superficial 

Kaley Cuoco’s husband is a kept bitch – Celebitchy

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOO! – Reality Tea 

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly put on a negligee and wrapped a black sheer curtain around her body before calling it a day – Drunken Stepfather

The Swedish Shauna Sand named Victoria Silvstedt is wearing the outfit you wore all the time during the summer of 1990, but don’t worry, you wore it better – Hollywood Tuna 

Paz Vega has Adam Lambert hair in Esquire MexicoEgotastic

Why, hello there, Zac Efron’s brother – Towleroad

That chick from Privileged and Pretty Little Liars is in a two piece – Popoholic

Watch out, little girls, dads are taking your jobs now – The Berry 

Subway has put Subway Jared on suspension for now – Jezebel

Matt Dallas married Blue Hamilton and now Blue Hamilton is Blue Dallas (which sounds like the name of a sad stripper) – Boy Culture

Rachel McAdams might be in the Doctor Strange movie – Pajiba

Rosie Perez is the latest trick to say “BYE BITCH” to The View, because she wants to focus on acting and make a sequel to It Could Happen To You starring her character (I wish) – Entertainment Weekly 

I’ve always said that the greatest dance talents are found at community pools in Mexico – SOW

This is what Meg Ryan’s face looks like now – Popsugar

Pic: Facebook

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Laura Prepon Talks Scientology, Sounds Next Level Crazy While Doing So

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Scientology puts out a magazine to their disciples called Celebrity and I guess it’s like People Magazine only a zillion times more insane. Laura Prepon gave an interview to Celebrity about all things Scientology and the half-broken DOS hard drive I call a brain rebooted at least a dozen times while reading it. If you took the words in a Jaden Smith interview, threw them up in the air and then re-arranged them with your eyes closed, it would make more sense than the shit that came out of Laura Prepon’s mouth while talking about Scientology.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Serena Williams Of The Ho Stroll

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Who in the hell really cares about Wimbledon? The true ball flying action went down during the Look At Me Open in Woodland Hills, CA yesterday. Thousands of tennis fans (read: the two paps they called) piled into the stadium (read: the tennis court they rented) to watch a thrilling match (read: a messy photo shoot for the paps) between grand slam queen of the ho stroll Phoebe Price and fellow demure flower Alicia Arden. If you don’t take selfies and wear red high heels while playing tennis, you’re doing it completely wrong. I’m talking to you, Serena Williams.

And after a long day (read: like an hour since that’s how long they got the court for) of playing a thrilling game of tennis, PP, like most serious athletes, needed to quench her thirst and thankfully the pap she called was there to capture the moment. Because if a pap isn’t there to take pictures of PP licking a water fountain stream like it’s a dick, will her thirst be quenched? Actually, all the water in the world couldn’t quench Chicken Cutlets’ permanent thirst and thank the gods for that.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Now THIS Is Modeling: The Kristen Stewart Edition

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Models usually have the enthusiasm of you getting a pap smear on a Monday morning and the more bored and hungry they look, the better. Well, Kunty Karl’s current dead inside muse Kristen Stewart should teach a master class in “meh” modeling at Barbizon, because she really knows how it’s done.

The Chanel couture show started off with a BANG a fart a quick, silent queef this morning when KStew opened with the kind of walk you’d see from my hungover auntie while browsing the 4 t-shirts for $10 tent at the swap meet on a Sunday afternoon. Kunty Karl decided to do a casino theme this season and at the beginning of the show, famous and famous-ish types like KStew, Julianne Moore, Lily Collins, Lily Rose-Depp, Vanessa Paradis and Rita Ora strolled to a table to pretend gamble. Rita Whoever, the Lilies and even Vanessa needed to skip the runway and have a seat in the front row to take in the real modeling skills of Kristen Stewart.

While wearing one of Barbara Bush’ favorite funeral-going suits and working new wave guinea pig hair, KStew gave us a real performance in her short walk. Sometimes her walk said, “doo doo doo, just browsing for towels or whatever at Target,” and other times she looked like an extra sketchy drug dealer looking for her next transaction in the park. Get into Kristen Stewart’s normcore modeling swagger:

That fashion show opening walk probably knocked you to the floor and by that I mean you fell asleep and slid off your chair.

The Chanel show started off on a high (as in that bitch was high) note, but ended on a lower-than-low note. Kendull Jenner closed the show while wearing an ugly 80s bridal suit. Will somebody please tell Kunty Karl that we don’t care about the career-ending blackmail material that Pimp Mama Kris has on him. (Examples: A picture of him smiling while hugging a fat person , a picture of him wearing sweats and a Team Pippa t-shirt,etc…). Let PMK release whatever she has on Karl so he can stop using Kendull in his shows.

Pics: Wenn.com, INFPhoto

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Harry Shearer Won’t Be Leaving “The Simpsons” After All

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Thank Jeebus! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mr. Burns or Otto or Stupid Sexy Flanders just yet. Two months after he declared he was done-diddly-un with The Simpsons, Entertainment Weekly says Harry Shearer has changed his mind and has agreed to return for the 27th season.

Harry Shearer originally decided to walk away from The Simpsons and a $14 million 2-year contract because he wanted the freedom to do other work and didn’t like his cut of the merchandising dollars, but something must have changed during negotiations. My guess was that FOX threatened to release the hounds or the robotic Richard Simmons, but it sounds like it came down to money. EW says that Harry Shearer has signed the exact same contract as everyone else, which means he’s locked in for the next four years and will make more than $300,000 per episode. Each season usually has about 22 episodes, which means Harry Shearer is looking at more than $26.4 million. I hope the first word out of his mouth when he looked at that number was a Mr. Burns-style “Excellent.

No word on whether or not he’ll see any merchandising money, but I’m sure he could always ask Fat Tony to shake down the folks at Butterfinger for a couple bucks if he really wants them.

A four year contract means a ton of money, but it also means everyone has to stick around if the writers hit the 600 episode mark and really start to run out of ideas. At least they can crawl into a giant pile of dollars in the event they sit down for a table read and see the words “The Simpsons Do…Something. Go to Mars? Buy a kangaroo? IDK” written on the top of the script.

Pic: Splash

Tyga Is Maybe Cheating On Kylie Jenner And Has Been Sending Out Dick Pics

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you who have ever read a story about Tyga and his not-yet-legal teenage girlfriend Kylie Jenner and thought to your disgusting self, “I really wish I knew what this guy’s dick looks like,” it’s your lucky day.

According to B. Scott, Kylie Jenner’s 25-year-old boyfriend has allegedly been offering up his dick to a 29-year-old transgender actress and model named Mia Isabella. At least he’s cheating on Kylie with someone who is legally old enough for him, right? According to a “source” (nice to meet you, Mia Isabella!), Tyga has been seeing Mia Isabella for 3 years now. The source alleges they got together shortly after Tyga called it quits with Blac Chyna, and they might have a sex tape together. The source claims they’ve made plans as recently as a few weeks ago to see each other.

Naturally, Tyga and Mia Isabella have a plan if anyone ever catches them together. They claim that she’s a “fashion stylist” and they have a business relationship. And I’m sure Kylie would believe him if he told her he’s spending all his extra time and money on a stylist since “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap” is practically the Kardashian family motto.

Okay, on to the subject of Tyga’s dick. The same source who squealed to B. Scott about Tyga’s alleged affair with Mia Isabella provided screen shots of text messages between the two as proof. Two of the screen shots are, you guessed it, pictures of Tyga’s dick. The NSFW pics are after the jump.

Paula Deen Thought It Was A Good Idea To Tweet A Picture Of Her Son In Brownface (UPDATE)

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re trying to rebuild the butter kingdom that crumbled due to the racist dingles that spewed out of your deep fried pie hole, it’s probably not the best idea to tweet a picture of your son in brownface. But since Paula Deen’s brains are made of burned grease and rancid butter mold spores, she (or someone who handles her Twitter account) tweeted a throwback picture of her as Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo (looking more like a deranged Memaw Annie) and her son Bobby Deen as Ricky Ricardo. It was quickly snatched down, but not before people took screen shots of it and passed it around everywhere. Yahoo! Celebrity says that the picture is actually from an old episode of Paula’s now dead Food Network show.

For the record, the photo itself is not a new one: it’s actually from the 2011 Halloween episode of her Food Network show, Paula’s Best Dishes.

There’s a few things confusing about that picture:

1: What in the hell kind of GD Ricky Ricardo costume is that? Desi Arnaz was never that dark and he never had a Vanilla Ice circa 2015 hairline. Bobby Deen looks more like a suburban dad in a lazy Jersey Shore costume.

2. Why would Paula Deen bring this picture out again? Hasn’t Lucille Ball been through enough?

3. Did that picture ever make the cover of Oedipus Complex Weekly? I mean, a mother and son dressed up like husband and wife. That said, I bet they were the belles of the Motherboy ball.

UPDATE: Paula Deen says that hersocial media manager” is to blame and she fired them.

via Page Six

Xander From Buffy Asked Dr. Drew For Help

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

I think everybody can relate to the koala on the left after reading that headline. That’s a real “I…don’t know if this is such a good idea” face.

Last month, Nicholas Brendon made a really good decision when he took a break from the Comic-Con hotel-trashing circuit and checked himself into rehab to battle his addiction and depression. Now it looks like he’s decided to counter-balance that good decision with a not-so-good one by asking Dr. Drew for help. Apparently recovery is getting expensive, and Xander is looking for some wallet-friendly options. Like the kind of options that come with an appearance fee. He’s also open to Dr. Phil if Dr. Drew isn’t available.

The only doctor missing from that list is Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. Or maybe he was included in the first draft of that tweet, but demanded Nicholas Brendon remove his name because he doesn’t want to be associated with that sleazy quack Dr. Phil.

Shortly after Nicholas asked Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil for help, he tweeted that he had found a dual-diagnosis facility and was heading back into recovery. Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious what happened here. Nicholas Brendon needed a new recovery center, but he didn’t have the cash, so he publicly reached out to noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil. Every addiction specialist in the country knows you’d have to be truly desperate for help to contact noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil, so they reached out to Nicholas and offered him their services. Very smart, Xander.

ICYMI: Justin Bieber Put His Nalgas On Display On Instagram

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

And apologies if you wanted to miss this.

Because I have wonderful timing, I’m following up a post about a child porn investigation with a picture of Justin Bieber flashing his Baby Alive ass cheeks on Instagram. The Biebs must have been sick and tired of watching Chelsea Handler and Chrissy Teigen get all the attention for putting their parts on display on Instagram, because last night he made all the crazed Beliebers scream, “I’ve got the maple syrup,” when he posted a picture of his bare Canadian pancakes on a yacht somewhere. That picture is a cross between a still out of a gay porn parody of Lost and a still out of a gay porn parody of Fantasy Island starring that tattooed twink as Tattoo. If that mountain had a mouth it would be laughing. Or maybe it’s a Belieber and if that’s the case, its nasty ass would be drooling.

Like with most things, I consulted my life adviser and spiritual guide Jackée Harry after seeing this picture last night. I checked her Twitter to see her thoughts about the Biebs’ hairless beaver ass. I immediately searched for a SideEyeFromMary.GIF to throw at her when I read this tweet from her: “@justinbieber looks FYNE, doesn’t he?! But wait.. #AgeCheck.” The thirst is a very real epidemic when Sandra is licking her lips over Justin Bieber’s ass.

If your eyeballs really need a serving of the Biebs’ butt, the un-Usher’d pic is after the cut. As always, the Biebs’ sassy Jesus calf tattoo says it all. I’m really disappointed that nobody pushed the Biebs into that ocean when they had the chance.

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