Archives: July 2015

The 80s Supermodel TV Show Of My Dreams Is Coming

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, I know, technically that picture was taken in the early 90s, but who cares about petty details when there’s good news to talk about for a change.

Variety says that the NBC peacock has finally pulled its head out of its ass and is doing what it should’ve done a long time ago. NBC is making a TV show about the modeling world in the 80s. One of George Clooney’s drinking partners and one of the biggest supermodels of all-time, Cindy Crawford, is producing the drama with Anne Heche and Anne’s husband James Tupper. Random IS Anne Heche and Cindy Crawford making a glamorous TV show about warring models in the 80s. Variety has a few details:

“Icon,” hailing from Universal TV, revolves around the modeling wars in the ’80s that occurred between Ford Modeling Agency and Elite Model Management. The show is completely fictionalized, rather than a re-telling of Crawford’s own experiences. No actual names of models or figures from the time will be used.

I know we’ve all been waiting for Cindy Crawford to once again knock us over with her impeccable acting skills the way she did in Fair Game, but she’s not going to be in it. She’s strictly producing.

This world needs a lot of things, but it really needs a TV show about 80s models. I hope Cindy, Anne and Anne’s husband don’t fuck it up. I also hope it’s a hit, because if it is, it may lead to reboots of Models Inc. and the 80s jewel that never got the chance to fully sparkle: Paper Dolls!

Actually, Cindy should just go ahead and save herself some time and just remake Paper Dolls using the original cast.

Pics: Peter Lindbergh

The Houstons And Browns Are Reportedly Fighting Over Bobbi Kristina’s Funeral Arrangements

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Bobbi Kristina Brown barely flew up to heaven to be with Nippy a few days ago, and you’d think that maybe the Houston and Brown families would put all their stupid bullshit aside for once and come together. But well, if People is telling the truth, they’re back to their messy ways.

Bobbi Kristina’s funeral is set for Saturday in Atlanta, GA. After the funeral, she will go to New Jersey to be laid to rest next to Whitney Houston. That’s apparently pretty much all the Houston and Brown families can agree on. A source tells People that there’s still many arrangements to be made, but the families are having a hard time agreeing on anything. That strong wind that hit all of them in the face hard is Whitney trying to slap some sense into them.

“Both sides [of the family] are still not happy and on the same page,” says the source of the Browns and Houstons. “There is a lot going on behind the scenes. There is a lot to do in a very short time.”

Adds another source: “Things are constantly changing.”

I’m not sure why they’re not on the same page. It seems like it would be pretty simple. Second Cousin Dionne Warwick will open with a song, Cissy Houston and Bobby Brown will close with a song, Aunt Tina will handle the refreshments and Nick Gordon won’t be around since he may be in a jail cell. Actually, scratch Aunt Tina from refreshments, because she shouldn’t be around glassware.

Pic: Wenn.com

Afternoon Crumbs

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Michelle Williams is dating author Jonathan Safran Foer and the source says it’s not a surprise, because she just loves books. If she loves books so much why doesn’t she just date a damn book? I didn’t know I was going to make a Pee-wee Herman reference while talking about Michelle Williams’ dating life, but here we are – Lainey Gossip 

Kim Kartrashian supposedly called Beyonce to laugh about her own pillow baby rumors and I’d totally believe it if I also believed that Beyonce gave Kim her real phone number – Celebitchy

Oh, it’s just Olivia Culpo naked and farting on a model’s chest for a photo shoot – Drunken Stepfather

Channing Tatum is probably not going to be Gambit The Superficial 

Chrissy Teigen wore an arm bra for Women’s Health UKEgotastic

Kelly Bundy could’ve been Elle WoodsJezebel

Eva Longoria and a journalist had a small fight over whether or not she needs eyeglasses to see. But you probably already read about it when it was CNN’s top story this morning – Egotastic 

That girl from Victorious looks like this now – Popoholic

The Katsopolis twins from Full House look like this now – HuffPo

Why don’t I have any friends who will stick Twizzlers in my mouth when I’m asleep? – Hollywood Tuna 

Elaine Lancaster is a life-saving drag queen hero! – Towleroad

A company called Lucky 13 really wants naked pics of Taylor SwiftIDLYITW

Because Detroit hasn’t been through enough, they have a Pimp Mama Kris statue now – Pajiba

Macy Gray made a song about her vibrator – SOW

Those hosts on Good Day Sacramento just didn’t get Cara Delevingne’s British sense of humor, so says Cara Delevingne – Just Jared

The raw emotions poured out of  Jimmy Kimmel as he talked about Cecil the LionPopsugar

Pic: Getty

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Open Post: A Corgi Puppy Trying To Go Down Stairs

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Sadly, there aren’t any new pictures of Phoebe Price posing bottomless while straddling a Bob’s Big Boy statue in Burbank somewhere. So we’ll all have to settle for this video of Peanut Butter, the corgi puppy, redefining the meaning of “struggle” while trying to go down a flight of carpeted stairs. Peanut Butter whimpers, throws a blue side-eye, whimpers some more and nearly eats it while trying to go down the stairs. This video is pretty much a dramatic interpretation of all of our lives. Aren’t we all just a corgi puppy trying to make our way down the stairs of life? (Although, I’m more of a drunk corgi puppy throwing himself down the stairs.)

SPOILER ALERT: Peanut Butter doesn’t make it down the stairs. He stops, barks and throws a look that clearly says, “Fuck this, you savage. Get me a doggy elevator already.”

via Time

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Jane Birkin Wants Hermès To Take Her Name Off Of Their Crocodile Bag

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Emergencia! Emergencia! The Parasite Hiltons and Kim Kartrashians of the world may have to use their queef bubble of a brain to remember a new name for their overpriced and beloved Hermès crocodile Birkin bag.

Hermès named the Birkin bag after Jane Birkin, the British actress/singer who was with Serge Gainsbourg for a while, in 1984. Hermès designed the bag for her after she told the company’s CEO during a flight that she was upset about not having a great purse for traveling. She carried it for decades. The Birkin bag comes in all different kinds of colors and animals skins and they range in price from around $10,000 to YOUR FIRST BORN.

Jane issued a statement asking Hermès to take her name off of the crocodile Birkin bag (cost: $60,000), because she just can’t with how they get the crocodile’s skin to make the bag.

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Cara Delevingne Is Totally Going To Sic Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad On “Good Day Sacramento”

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Cara Delevingne’s quick interview with Good Day Sacramento started off on the wrong side of awkward before she even spit out one word. The host called her “Carla” (the clip cut that part out) and Cara looked like she would rather be getting finger banged by a hawk than talk to three hosts from a Sacramento morning show. It was like many awkward first dates I’ve had, except it didn’t end with them having bad one-time sex for the hell of it.

Cara was doing a bunch of morning show interviews via satellite to promote Paper Towns, which I always read as “Paper Towels.” (“Paper Towels” sounds like a riveting biopic about the life and times of the Brawny Man.) One of the hosts asks Cara if she read the book the movie is based on and she dipped her answer in syrupy sarcasm before throwing it at them. From there, it gets worse, or better for those of you who like to work out your jaw by cringing.

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Page Six Says That Gisele Bundchen Wore A Burqa To Get Her Tits Done On The Down Low

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Waking up to the headline “Gisele dons a burqa to secretly fix her ‘deflated’ boobs” made me dump my usual morning cup of crushed-up Vivarin and homemade Four Loko into the sink, because that shit took me higher than any upper could. Deflategate: The Sequel! This fuckery at its finest.

While Little Lord Tom Brady goes down his slide of happiness to heal the sadness in his heart area from being put in the time out corner again, his wife Gisele Bundchen is supposedly enjoying her new rotated and lifted chichis. Page Six says that Gisele was in Paris two weeks ago to get her deflated tits plumped up and her eyes done. That probably made Tom Brady extra sad, because we all know that he likes his balls deflated.

Gisele didn’t want anyone to find out so she came up with an ingenious (and ILLEGAL) disguise. Gisele and her sister Rafaela reportedly wore burqas as they waltzed into the International Clinique du Parc Monceau in Paris. Face coverings have been illegal in France since 2011. Gisele probably thought she was being extra slick and fooled those sneaky paps, but Page Six says that she fucked up and gave herself up.

Gisele supposedly used the same driver she’s been using for years and she wore open-toed shoes, which is a complete no no and something a Muslim woman who wears a burqa would never wear out in public. The paps claim this is Gisele in disguise:

The source says that Gisele’s tits got saggy after having two kids and so she decided to lift them up as a 35th birthday present to herself. After getting the $11,000 surgeries, her driver drove her and her sister to the Les Sources de Caudalie spa to heal for a few days. Gisele and her sister left Paris on Friday.

Gisele, Gisele… If you’re going to do some CULTURAL APPROPRIATION shit to get your tits done on the shush, at least do it right. She should’ve used a different driver, worn the right shoes and carried a bag that she would never carry. What an amateur! She also should’ve used a strong perfume to hide her signature scent of smugness that I can smell from here. But still, there’s no way of knowing 100% that it’s her and she can still deny, deny, deny. When a reporter tells her that her chichis are looking extra perky, she can once again say that she’ll NEVER have plastic surgery and they got that way from eating soybeans, doing chest yoga and praying.

Ben Affleck Denies Being The New Jude Law

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

UsWeekly says that Ben Affleck’s cliché mid-life crisis journey is right on track, because he allegedly took a page out of Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams’ playbook by taking his dick to the nanny’s poon. These mid-life crisis-having whores in Hollywood. It’s always the nanny. Can’t they change things up by doing the gardener or exterminator or someone other than the nanny. Give us a PLOT TWIST!

“Multiple sources” whispered into UsWeekly’s ear about how Ben Affleck has been dating his kids’ former nanny. Jennifer Garner hired the nanny and she obviously didn’t follow Mo’Nique’s tip when hiring a nanny or housekeeper. She didn’t hire a 4′ tall, fat 70-year-old man with two hairs on his head, no teeth and a chronic sharting problem. Jennifer hired a pretty 28-year-old named Christine Ouzounian. Christine grew up in California, worked for a fancy nanny agency in Beverly Hills and graduated from Arizona State University with a communications degree. Well, she allegedly put that communications degree to good use by communicating with Ben’s peen!!!

The sources say that during Ben and Jennifer’s 10-month separation, he and the nanny flirted and hung out without the kids around. Jennifer figured out that something was going on and immediately fired Christine. But that didn’t stop Christine and Ben from seeing each other. One of Christine’s friends claim that she went to his new rental house in L.A. on July 17th. (But I thought he was living in the guest house?) Christine thinks they’re going to be together forever. The source said, “She says Ben really, really likes her. She’s saying this is true love.”

But a rep for Ben threw UsWeekly’s story in the trash can and claims that Ben is not fucking the nanny.

“The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate.”

Ben’s rep is right about it being shameful and desperate. That’s why I sort of kind of believe it. Ben would. But really, story time in kindergarten? The hell kind of kindergarten did Ben’s rep go to? I know it’s been centuries since I was in kindergarten, but I don’t remember our teacher gathering us in the story time circle to tell us the tale of the movie star and the nanny he’s doing. They read us “Cat In The Hat,” not “Dad In The Nanny.

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