Archives: July 2015

Birthday Sluts

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Elizabeth Berkley (43)
Cher Lloyd (22)
Spencer Boldman (23)
Soulja Boy (25)
Nolan Gerard Funk (29)
Dustin Milligan (30)
Zach Parise (31)
Afroman (41)
Nicole Narain (41)
Alexis Arquette (46)
Lori Loughlin (51)
Georgia Engel (67)
Sally Struthers (68)
Jim Davis (70)

Pic: United Artists

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Night Crumbs

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While hosting a party at a club in Las Vegas on Saturday night, Mimi blinded her loyal subjects with the sparkles that shot off of the exquisitely opulent Claire’s pendant that decorated the space above her Tupperware titty bowls. No, it’s not from Claire’s. Mimi’s Australian billionaire boyfriend bought it for her and it cost $500,000. Can his next gift be a pair of fake eyelashes that don’t look like they were made from dust broom bristles? – Lainey Gossip 

Caitlyn Jenner’s got another grandchild – Reality Tea 

Something you needed to know: Ed Sheeran sharted on stage once – Celebitchy

Cara Delawhatever freak danced in a parking lot. She is living the life – Drunken Stepfather

Now THIS is my idea of a Thelma & Louise reboot: Phoebe Price and Frenchy from Rock of Love Bus got papped in a car – (NSFW because of Frenchy’s flashing nipple) WWTDD

The most surprising thing about this picture of George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Katy Perry is that Bill’s eyes aren’t firmly planted on her chichis – The Superficial 

Permanent yacht dweller Victoria Silvstedt is on a yacht – Egotastic

Brigitte Bardot has taken a break from being a racist to save 2 million feral cats from being sent to heaven – Jezebel

Nicole Scherzinger wore a snakeskin print dress over the weekend, just in case you were wondering what Nicole Scherzinger wore over the weekend – Popoholic

This Supergirl costume would look a whole lot better if Helen Fucking Slater was wearing it – Hollywood Tuna 

Madge’sRebel Heart” tour will have stripping nuns in it. Sounds about right – Towleroad

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s initial autopsy is complete and the Medical Examiner will not issue her official cause of death until all tests results come back in the next few weeks – Just Jared

A Charlie Hunnam double lives in the world, which means you have twice as many chances to fuck a dude who looks like Charlie Hunnam – Popsugar

Even though Canada didn’t want it, Kanye West’s Pan Am Games performance happened over the weekend and it went well. And by “went well” I mean he threw the mic and quit that bitch due to a technical glitch – HuffPo

Kanye West also shared his words of wisdom about Caitlyn Jenner’s transition in the first episode of I Am Cait. Wait, did he call Kendall Jenner a “supermodel” in that clip? Kanye is even more far gone than I thought!  – Pink Is The New Blog 

Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a black friend, but he does have black Twitter followers, which obviously means: not a racist! – Pajiba

Pic: Wenn.com

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Joe Jackson Had A Stroke And Three Heart Attacks

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Joe Jackson, one of the original child star pimps who makes Dina Lohan look like Marion Cunningham, nearly left the earth on Sunday after having a stroke in Brazil. The stroke left Joe temporarily blind and if that wasn’t enough, his heart stopped during surgery. Joe is in Brazil because a company called Nexxing threw him an 87th birthday party and invited him. Oh, Brazil, you’ve taken come to Brazil” way too far when you’re telling Joe Jackson to come to Brazil.

TMZ says that Detective La Toya Jackson’s dad woke up on Sunday with the dizzies and he couldn’t see. He was taken to the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo where doctors ran tests on him. The doctors reportedly discovered that an artery behind his eye busted and that’s what caused him to have a stroke and lose his eyesight. While in the hospital, he had three heart attacks including one during surgery. But it’s going to take more than one stroke and three heart attacks to send Joe Jackson to the afterworld. Joe Jackson pulled out one of his signature switches and shooed the Grim Reaper away by waving his weapon of choice at it.

TMZ says that doctors put a pacemaker in Joe and so far, he’s on his way to a full recovery. Joe can see again and his speech wasn’t affected at all. He’s even “cracking jokes” in his hospital bed. 87-year-old Joe has had several strokes before and the most recent one was in 2012. So there you go, Joe Jackson still lives!

And here’s Joe and his “girlfriend,” who is giving me lot lizard Carmen Electra, visiting the CT Corinthians football club in São Paulo on Friday.

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Stunningly Gorgeous Hairstyle

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When I first saw these pictures in thumbnail size on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Chaz Dean, the hairstyling adonis from Flipping Out on Bravo. That is the ultimate compliment. Mistaking someone for Chaz Dean is like mistaking someone’s artwork for a Thomas Kinkade painting or mistaking someone’s song for a Stacey Q song or mistaking someone’s outfit as a vintage outfit from Contempo Casuals. There is no higher compliment.

Mickey Rourke left lunch in L.A. the other day and he looked like the Mona Lisa of the Excuse My Beauty Museum. Mickey looked like a beach hobo who majorly lost a fight against a bottle of Sun-In and a Flowbee, and that really IS the look. Mickey is seriously setting trends and I have a feeling that soon everybody will be wearing a pair of old lady sunglasses from Loehmann’s over electrocuted Fashionista Ken doll hair.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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A Bootleg Left Shark Made An Appearance During A Taylor Swift Show

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Of course Taylor Swift was not going to let that dancer-stealing trollop Katy Perry get the last incoherent word in.

Last week, Katy Perry tossed a chopped word salad (with a side of HUH? dressing) at Taylor Swift after Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that pitting women against each other is very unlike her. Katy Perry said in so many garbled words that Taylor was being a hypocrite since “Bad Blood” is about their ongoing feud. Well, Taylor later apologized to Nicki, but didn’t say anything about what Katy Perry tweeted. But why would Tay Tay respond with words when she can respond with an onstage stunt?

As Vulture points out, while Tay Tay was onstage yodeling out “Bad Blood” during a show in Foxborough, Massachusetts over the weekend, a Dollar Tree Left Shark made a quick 3-second appearance. Apparently, the dude in the Left Shark costume is one of her back-up dancers and during every show, he pops up while wearing a costume. He dressed up as a lobster the night before. But you know Taylor told him to wear that Left Shark costume, because that shifty little corn husk doll will never miss out on an opportunity to troll her arch rival!!

Since I’m a bitchy tween girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay blogger, I laughed for a second. But really, I can’t wait to see which one of them pours a bucket of pig’s blood on the other one at the big junior high school dance (aka the MTV VMAs).

Khlozilla Thinks That Her 17-Year-Old Sister Dating A Grown Man Is A “Special Case”

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.

35 Of Bill Cosby’s Accusers Posed A New York Magazine Cover Story

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Last night, New York Magazine released this groundbreaking cover, photographs and firsthand accounts from their story about the women who were drugged and assaulted by Bill Cosby. So far, 46 women have come forward and 35 of them posed for and gave their story to the magazine. The empty chair, which made me think of Clint Eastwood (Damn you, Clint!), symbolizes the women who didn’t want to be photographed and the ones who have yet to come forward.

The women, including Beverly Johnson and Janice Dickinson, range in age from 44 to 80. New York Magazine spent 6 months researching and interviewing as many of Cosby’s alleged victims as possible. New York’s Noreen Malone wrote an essay for the cover and here’s a piece of it via Jezebel:

The group of women Cosby allegedly assaulted functions almost as a longitudinal study—both for how an individual woman, on her own, deals with such trauma over the decades and for how the culture at large has grappled with rape over the same time period. […] The first assumption was that women who accused famous men were after money or attention. As Cosby allegedly told some of his victims: No one would believe you. So why speak up?

New York has also been Instagramming portraits and audio clips from each interview.

If the section marked “Bill Cosby’s Defenders” still has people in it after reading this cover story and the gross shit he said in his leaked deposition, there’s no hope for them. Bill Cosby himself could say, “I dippity dop dop did it,” and they would still cover their ears while screaming, “Not TV’s beloved father!”

New York Magazine was hacked this morning, so you can’t access the story right now. No, you don’t have to check to see if Phylicia Rashad has been taking hacking classes at The Learning Annex. Apparently, the hacking had nothing to do with the Cosby story. The alleged hacker told The Daily Dot that he hacked New York Magazine’s website, because the magazine is named after the city where he had a shitty vacation. He claims he hasn’t even seen the cover. I guess “hacking a website that is named after the thing you hate” is the new “leaving a bad Yelp review.

America’s Most Elegant Couple To Bestow The Most Elegant Baby Upon The World

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s been so much shitty and depressing news around here that we really needed some uplifting news that will give us hope for our future, and leave it to CoCo and Ice-T to give us that. The undisputed Empress of the Camel Toe has announced that growing in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb is the heir to her and Ice-T’s kingdom of demure elegance. 36-year-old CoCo is pregnant with the baby she made with her 57-year-old husband of 14 years Ice-T. This will be CoCo’s first child and Ice-T already has two grown kids and a 20-year-old grandson (who is currently facing manslaughter charges). It is a good day when we find out that CoCo will teach another human her ways.

While taping her new talk show with Ice-T on Friday, CoCo told the audience that in a few months, her crown jewel of a vagina will release a bundle of preciousness that is more valuable than the cloud of diamond dust she usually queefs out. For those of us who weren’t lucky enough to be at her show’s taping on Friday, CoCo tweeted the news this morning while pushing the premiere date of her new show.

With this pregnancy, CoCo is going to clench her title as the undisputed camel toe champion. When she steps out in maternity Spandex leggings, her crotch is going to look like an entire nail salon for camels. CoCo’s pregnant camel toe is going to shut down all camel toes.

And as for the baby’s name…..

Since CoCo and Ice-T both have names that can be found on a Starbucks menu, I’m hoping that they name their little baby friend Chai Latte T.

Pic: Splash

Shia LaBeouf Allegedly Got Into A Violent Fight With His Girlfriend In Germany (UPDATE)

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Dumb, naive me. Here I was thinking that Shia LaBeouf somehow found a way to curb his asshole ways. Lately, the only things he’s been found guilty of doing are humping the American flag by doing the most ‘Murican thing of all time (read: line dancing to a Steve Earle song in a Stay USA Hotel parking lot in South Dakota) and bringing Gummo glamour to the forefront with his clip-on rattail. But well, if the German tabloid Bild is telling the truth, then Shia LaDouche is back to being an extra chunky shit stain on humanity.

Buzzfeed says that Bild reported that 29-year-old Shia and his 22-year-old girlfriend of 2 years, Mia Goth, got into a screaming fight on Friday as they left a taxi outside of a hotel in Tübingen, Germany. Mia is in Germany to film a horror movie. One witness said that Shia looked drunk and he allegedly told Mia that he did not want to become “aggressive” with her as she pulled at his backpack and begged him to stay.

The argument got so messy that a group of locals had to jump in and break them up. They could’ve easily broken it up by waving a bar of soap at Shia since soap is obviously his arch rival and he’ll run away from it. The locals didn’t bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on Shia or turn him over to the cops. Instead, they gave him a ride to the airport and during that ride, he allegedly told them that he would’ve killed Mia if they didn’t break up the fight.

The fight reportedly left Shia with a jacked-up hand (from punching a wall, possibly) and Mia had a black eye the next day. Bild’s story doesn’t say how Mia got a black eye and it doesn’t say if witnesses saw Shia hit her. Reps for Mia and Shia had nothing to say about Bild’s story.

Since Shia seems to have been cut from the same angry shit head cloth as Sean Penn, this story seems pretty believable. Shia also has a history of being a drunk mess and punching walls. If it is true, Shia’s mother needs to finally come and collect his Oedipus ass. And Mia needs to ruuuuun, ruuuun and keep running until she gets to the safe house where her eyebrows have been waiting for her ever since they checked off of her face because they wanted no part of her relationship with Shia.

UPDATE: Entertainment Tonight posted a video taken by the men who gave Shia a ride to the airport. The edited video starts with Shia getting out of the taxi and telling Mia, “I don’t wanna touch you. I don’t wanna be aggressive. This is the kind of shit that makes a person abusive.” Those lines are straight out of the first page of a book called “Shit A Batterer Says.” Mia takes his backpack at one point and Shia begs her to give it back to him. Once in the car, Shia tells the dudes that he would’ve killed her and then he tries to FaceTime with Megan Fox. Because Megan Fox probably has Shia’s name in her contacts as “DO NOT PICK UP NO MATTER WHAT,” the FaceTime session doesn’t happen. When they get to the airport, a plastered Shia looks into the camera and tells the dudes that he’ll take care of them if they come to L.A. The video auto-plays, so it’s after the cut.

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