Archives: July 2015

Birthday Sluts

July 31, 2015 / Posted by:

Geraldine Chaplin (71)
Rico Rodriguez (17)
Alexis Knapp (26)
Zelda Williams (26)
Charlie Carver (27)
B.J. Novak (36)
Annie Parisse (40)
Ben Chaplin (46)
Dean Cain (49)
J.K. Rowling (50)
Wesley Snipes (53)
Mark Cuban (57)
Michael Biehn (59)
Don Murray (86)

Pic: Interview Russia/Michel Comte

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Night Crumbs

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt is in London for Guy Ritchie’s wedding, which happened today, and that’s probably why he shaved off most of his billy goat beard and looks like he spent time in a shower. Brad almost had it all the way together, but then he just had to wear that hat he obviously stole from the head of a dead hobo – Lainey Gossip 

The New York courts rejected Kelly Rutherford’s custody case, so she’ll be hopping the White House fence and running on the lawn while screaming, “Ayudame, Obama,” in 3..2… – Celebitchy

The Hulk Hogan leaked sex tape is gross in several ways, but at least it has taught me that “carny” wrestling talk is an amazingly advanced code language. I mean, who would ever guess that “blizz-ack gizz-uys“ is carny for “black guys.” Not even Alan Turing himself could figure that out – The Superficial 

Giant hairy tit Donald Trump is disgusted by tit milk – WWTDD

Oh, don’t mind Lindsay Lohan, she’s just trying to pull out the necklace she hid up her culo while jewelry shopping earlier – Drunken Stepfather

Saying that Joanna Krupa’s pussy smells like an outdoor fish market during the month of August has cost Brandi Glanville $50,000 in legal fees so far – Reality Tea 

A Married with Children spin-off may happen, so says Bud BundyEgotastic

Jose Canseco is going to dress like a woman for a week, because he wants to honor Caitlyn Jenner, but mostly because he needs people to pay attention to him – Jezebel

Connecticut has a hot chef and this is what he looks like without a top on – Towleroad

Kourtney Kardashian is most likely knocked up with her next few Life & Style cover stories – IDLYITW

That mother of the bride dress ain’t it, but Winnie Cooper still looks good – Hollywood Tuna 

That eyeshadow ain’t it, but Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis still look magnificent – Popoholic

Teresa Giudice needs to sue herself and her husband, because I’m pretty sure they’re the reasons why she’s in prison – Just Jared

AWWWWWWWWW… I actually felt something for a second – The Berry 

Jason Alexander would like everyone to know that he’s not the Jason Alexander who got busted for child porn – SOW

This is what Guy Ritchie’s English countryside wedding looked like – Popsugar

Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence hung out. I’m surprised the Internet didn’t implode from this information – HuffPo

Morrissey claims his carrot and potatoes got groped by the TSA at San Francisco International Airport and is letting everyone know that if you want to get your bits grabbed, that’s the place to go – Queerty

Pic: Splash

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FINALLY, Betty White Gives Her Thoughts On The Killing Of Cecil The Lion

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.

“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”

I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.

Pic: Morris Animal Foundation

Kylie Jenner Is Getting At Least $100,000 To Booze It Up In Canada On Her 18th Birthday

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.

TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age.  So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.

But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.

And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By The Scientology Shroud Of Tom Cruise

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Artist Daniel Edwards, the Michelangelo of pure fuckery, is back and is once again burning our brains with his art. Daniel is the HIGH ART mastermind who melted our eyeballs with his Britney Spears birthing statute, his OctoMom butt plug, his Brangeloonie monument and so on and so on

Daniel’s latest work is a Scientology shroud of the cult’s reigning empress Tommy Girl in all his naked glory. My eyes don’t know whether to burn from that boy band hair or from his dick and balls looking like a ram head door knockerE! News says that to “celebrate” Tommy’s 25 years with Scientology, Daniel worked with the Cory Allen Contemporary Art in St. Petersburg, FL to create the shroud and some commemorative coins. A press release says that the shroud and the coins will be on display at a “pop-up of the Church of Scientology” near Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL. Both Tommy and Scientology had nothing to do with this messiness and you can tell, because if they did, his already exaggerated dick and balls would be bigger, he’d be five feet taller, David Miscavige’s lips would be on that ass and dozens of Scientology slave boys would be worshiping at his feet. 

Even though Tommy had nothing to do with the making of that shit, Daniel Edwards shouldn’t be surprised if he receives a mysterious phone call from someone asking him to make a life-sized rubber sculpture of that shroud and to please put a pre-lubed hole in between the ass cheeks. The caller will tell Daniel that he can put the order under the name “Jack Hunt.

optommygirlcoins

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James Woods Has Thrown A $10 Million Lawsuit At A Twitter Troll For Calling Him A “Cocaine Addict”

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Lover of youngins’ James Woods (I linked to the proof, James Woods’ lawyer!) filed a defamation lawsuit against an anonymous Twitter user who accused him of regularly inhaling the bad shit with his nostrils. James Woods filed the $10 million lawsuit in L.A. Superior Court yesterday. While he was in the mood to file stuff, he also should’ve made his way to the police department and filed a missing eyebrows report. (The proof is in that picture, James Woods’ lawyer!)

The Hollywood Reporter says that while most celebrities let out a “meh” when someone on Twitter trashes them, James is taking that shit to court. On July 15th, a Twitter user who went by the name “Abe List” (their account has since been deleted) said, “cocaine addict James Woods still sniffing and spouting,” in response to a tweet James twatted out about how USA Today focused on Caitlyn Jenner’s ESPYs dress instead of the Planned Parenthood “baby parts” video. James’ lawsuit says that Abe List started fucking with him back in December 2014. When James shat up a birther-related tweet about President Obama, Abe List called him a “ridiculous clown boy” and “a joke.

James Woods’ says that calling him a “cocaine addict” was way over the line (so many “I’m surprised he didn’t snort up that line” jokes, so little time) and he’s not going to take it. James denies being a coke head. If James simply blocked Abe List and kept it moving, only a few thousand people would have seen the words “James Woods” and “cocaine addict” in one sentence, but now millions have thanks to the lawsuit being reported by everyone. But that doesn’t matter, because James is trying to prove a point!

“AL’s reckless and malicious behavior, through the worldwide reach of the internet, has now jeopardized Woods’ good name and reputation on an international scale,” states the complaint. “AL, and anyone else using social media to propagate lies and do harm, should take note. They are not impervious to the law.”

THR says that James Woods’ lawyer will have to prove that the tweet was made maliciously and they’ll also have to subpoena Twitter to find out the identity of the person behind “Abe List.” Everybody better try to look shocked when Abe List turns out to be the legendary SEAN YOUNG! 

Halle Berry’s Marriage To Olivier Martinez Might Be Over

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Halle Berry was papped wearing her wedding ring while doing shopping stuff with her daughter Nahla Aubry in Beverly Hills, CA the other day, but Radar (I know, I know) says that her ring may soon find itself hitting Olivier Martinez’s face after she throws it at him before filing for divorce.

A source tells Radar that Halle Berry and her husband of only 2 years Olivier Martinez are separated and living in different places. He’s living in Malibu while she’s living with their 21-month-old son Maceo and her daughter in the Hollywood Hills. Apparently, their relationship started circling the drain only a year into their marriage. I always thought that Halle Berry got life from drama, but the source says that even she has her limits and she can’t deal with Olivier Martinez’s temper anymore. Olivier, of course, went batshit on Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and he followed that up by smearing a pap at LAX. After the messiness at LAX, Halle told Olivier that their marriage will be over unless he goes to therapy. I guess he never went, because he’s close to becoming Halle Berry’s third ex-husband. The source spit this out:

“It seems Halle and Olivier have finally hit the end of the road. They’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs in their relationship – but recently, Olivier has been completely MIA. Halle is telling pals she worries that Olivier’s runaway temper could put her kids at risk. They’ve just been delaying the inevitable split.”

Halle and Olivier won’t even have to announce that they’ve filed for divorce. We’ll know the minute one of them files for divorce, because her child custody lawyers will be seen busting into a kick line down the street as they sing, “We’re in the money, the skies are sunny,” while making their way to the Lamborghini dealership. Halle and Gabriel’s child support fight will have NOTHING on Halle and Olivier’s child custody battle.

That’s probably why the court in California rejected Kelly Rutherford’s case. They knew that they’ll soon have their hands completely full while dealing with Halle and her two crazy baby fathers.

Pics: Splash

The Nanny Is In Love With Ben Affleck

July 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Ben Affleck’s rep has already denied away that he has completed almost every step in “The Guide To Having A Cliche Mid-Life Crisis” by doing his children’s nanny. Ben is shaking his head “no” to the rumor that he had something going on with the nanny who was hired and fired by Jennifer Garner. He’s even threatened to sue. UsWeekly was the first one to report the rumor and now People, who has pretty much been Bennifer 2.0’s voice throughout their divorce, is saying that the nanny, Christine Ouzounian, is telling her friends that she’s ~in love~ with Ben. Well, judging by these paparazzi pictures of her that were taken yesterday, Ben has some competition. Because it looks like she’s ~in love~ with the cameras too.

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