Archives: July 2015

Scientology’s Crown Jewel Of Crazy Might Be Leaving Them

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Let’s see, a few days ago, I felt sorry for that piece of trash Parasite Hilton (when I shouldn’t have) and now I learn that there’s an itty bitty sliver of a chance that Scientology’s golden son Tom Cruise is thinking of pulling his head out of L. Ron Hubbard’s asshole for once and for all. It’s the end of the world as we know it and I don’t feel fine, because I don’t want civilization to end until Lifetime’s inevitably shitty movie about the making of Melrose Place comes out.

Block of Salt Weekly (aka Star Magazine) says that Tommy Girl is thinking of shocking the Thetans off of every Scientologist by turning in his OT-VII crown for the sake of Suri Cruise. Some source says that a crack in Tommy’s brainwashed shell of insanity formed during a recent phone call with Suri. Tommy hasn’t seen Suri’s face in person for over a year, because Katie’s afraid he will fill their daughter’s head with more Xenu talk and because Scientology doesn’t want him getting close to those suppressive traitors. Tommy feels like he has to choose between Suri and the cult of lunatics who need his money to keep their factory of fuckery going.

Robin Thicke Knows How Embarrassing He Was During His “Get Paula Patton Back” Phase

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with The New York Times, feminine odor’s arch nemesis Robin Thicke confessed something anyone with two ears and a basic understanding of shame already knew: that his pathetic attempt to win his estranged wife Paula Patton back after she left him was beyond embarrassing. Robin has finally realized that releasing an entire album dedicated to the woman who finally got tired of finding random thongs in the laundry wasn’t such a great idea. The same goes for promoting it with the desperation of a “Can I Borrow A Feeling“-singing Kirk Van Houten. Robin knows now.

Robin says his “Aha!” moment (or maybe it was more of an “Oh shit” moment) came shortly after he dedicated his performance of “Forever Love” at the 2014 BET Awards to Paula. Robin was confronted by a friend who got real with him and not-so-subtly told him he looked “like a sucker“.

“What I thought was romantic was just embarrassing. And he said, “You should just go away for a while.” So I shut everything down. I took some time off to be with my son, and to be with my family and close friends. And the more time I took off, the more everything became clear.”

Even though every song on Paula was a damn disaster, Robin doesn’t have any regrets about recording them. Because that’s how Robin is.

“Look, my songwriting has always been autobiographical, and always will be. The ‘Paula’ album was no different. I was struggling through my toughest time, and I decided to share it. And I remember my team and my record company didn’t want me to put it out, but they stuck by me. In hindsight, the only thing I would have done differently was, I wouldn’t have promoted it or sold it. I would have given it away. That would have kept the purity of the message intact.”

You mean I could have gotten this shit for free?” said all six of the people who bought Paula. A group that includes Robin’s horny papa Alan Thicke, who was no doubt responsible for 2/3 of the sales. At least Robin can sleep well tonight knowing that someone, somewhere is trying to make his wish come true by giving away their copy of Paula for free. Sure, so far nobody but the trash can will take it, but at least that somebody is trying.

Pic: YouTube

Paris Hilton Lied To Us All!

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

We can never ever believe anything that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth again. When she releases another “leaked” sex tape for attention and we all watch her spit up a load of cum in it, we’ll ask ourselves, “Is it really man leche or is it watered down goat milk?” Everything that dribbles out of her mouth is a falsity. What’s next? We’re going to find out that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar lied through their Jesus teeth during that Fox News interview? The world is a lie.

Parasite Hilton recently threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of the show that pranked her by making her believe that she was about to die in a plane crash. Paris claimed she knew nothing about the prank. But her threats are probably full of shit, like her, because TMZ says that she was in on the prank. TMZ somehow got a hold of a document (which is one way of saying “the Egyptian production company gave it to them after Paris threatened to sue“) from the Egyptian production company that was passed to the reps of several American celebrities back in March. The document says that the production company will drop a pile of $$$$ into the lap of the American celebrity who agrees to fake the fear in a faux plane ride gone wrong.

The document states, “We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board.”

The doc goes on, “We will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”

The document also claims that officials in Dubai, including the crown prince, were aware of the fake prank and promised to provide the show with security. Many celebs said no to that shit, but since Paris Hilton’s food of life is attention, she agreed to do it. Apparently, she was paid at least $1 million for it.

TMZ ran into Paris yesterday and asked her about the “prank.” She said that they took it “too far” and it wasn’t not funny.

Yes, I’d gladly fake scream for a million dollars, but still, screw Paris Hilton. (“Guilty!” – 97% of the world) I thought I was going to live my entire life without ever feeling one tiny drop of sympathy for her and she robbed me of that by playing with my emotions. Even after a few of my friends and several of you screamed, “FAKE,” I still believed her and felt a little bit sorry for her. I should have known. The next time a trailer for a Kristen Stewart movie comes out, I’m going to post it along with the words: I believed Paris Hilton’s plane crash acting. Therefore, I am not the one to critique anybody’s acting skills. Even Kristen Stewart’s.

Here’s that scammer being the portrait of modest by wearing a t-shirt with her image on it.

Pics: Wenn.com

George Clooney Might Sell His Fancy House In Italy Because There Are Too Many Damn Paps

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

As if you couldn’t already guess from the hard-core through-the-glasses death stare he’s giving above, George Clooney isn’t crazy about the small army of paparazzi that hang around his Lake Como home. I guess some paps have pretty deep pockets, because even with the threat of a €500 fine, they’re still hanging around George’s house like Dina Lohan behind the delivery entrance of her local liquor store. Basically, they’re never going to leave, ever. So Page Six says George’s solution to his pap problem is to sell the house.

Sources say that George got an offer on his Lake Perry Como house for $100 million (it sounds like Dr. Evil is looking for a new evil lair) and he’s thinking about taking it. George bought his Italian villa in 2002 for about $10 million, which means if he sold it now, he could make enough money from the sale to buy a new boat and name it something better than “BOAT“.

But George isn’t going to leave Lake Comb-Over forever. A source claims George is “like the mayor of the lake” and that everyone loves him. So he’ll probably sell his house and buy something a little more private. That way, he and first lady Amal Clooney can still cruise around waving and blowing air kisses at the locals without the paps bothering them.

I’m still not sure why the paps need so many pictures of Dr. Doug Ross hanging around his Italian vacation home. If you’ve seen one picture of George Clooney in a casual button-up, you’ve seen them all. Are there not more in-demand pictures out there? What about hi-res close-ups of Channing Tatum jogging? Or Jon Hamm jogging? Or any hot guy jogging? Surely I’m not the only one who will pay top dollar (aka $20 on an Olive Garden gift card) for those pics.

Pic: Splash

Oh, You Know, It’s Just A Blood-Covered RiRi Smoking It Up While Lounging On A Mound Of Money In A Trunk

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

It only took 45 hundred years, but late last night, RiRi finally released the video for her ear-murdering song “Bitch Better Have My Money” and the first thing you should know is that it’s seven fucking minutes fucking long. These pop tricks and their Imitation of Christ-sized music videos. Ain’t nobody got time for RiRi’s 7-minute-long video. Well, nobody but me, because I watched all of it last night. Twice. Okay, thrice.

RiRi “co-directed” this video (read: She directed herself to smoke a blunt while the other co-director did everything else) and she said the video’s entire concept came to her 8 months ago. In other words, this video is what RiRi’s brain gave birth to as she smoked some PCP laced weed while watching an episode of Dexter. Some people have been comparing this shit to “Bad Blood,” but that’s like comparing a pink crochet bunny in boxing mittens to a wolf with a chainsaw. It’s like “Bad Blood” if “Bad Blood” was conceived and directed by a first year film student who wants to be the next Tarantino or Eli Roth. Besides, instead of having 500 cameos from people you don’t care about, it has the only cameo any music video needs: HANNIBAL LECTER!

If you have 7 minutes of your day to waste and haven’t seen it already, here it is. The CliffsNotes version is: RiRi kidnaps a rich bitch, strips and tortures rich bitch with help from her homegirl henchwomen, forces rich bitch to smoke the good shit, smiles at a cop, chills in a paddling pool and eventually goes Patrick Bateman on rich bitch’s husband Hannibal (aka the bitch who owes her money).

My only question besides “What THEE fuck?” is: What happened to rich bitch’s Pom?!

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I was hoping that at the very end, rich bitch’s Pom would’ve crashed through a window with a machete in its paws and took every one. The final shot should’ve been of rich bitch’s Pom smoking a Snausage while relaxing on that mound of money in a trunk.

And here’s RiRi, her pierced nipple and her brother leaving a restaurant in L.A. the other night.

Pics: Splash

Opposite Of Shocking: Chris Brown And His Baby Mama Are Fighting Over Child Support

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, rich Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot and “good person” (says Rita Ora and only Rita Ora) Chris Brown and his baby mama of four months Nia Guzman are having problems with money. As it turns out, Nia is a Get Money Mommy who wants a fuckload of his cash and Chris is a Deadbeat Daddy who doesn’t want to give it to her. I know, I’m shocked too.

Back when Chris first found out he and Nia made a surprise baby she named Royalty, he gave her a whole lot of cash in an attempt to prevent her from seeking a child support agreement in court. Eventually he got paranoid that Nia was selling stories about him to the press, so he considered cutting her off and sending his lawyers after her. Now it looks like he’s finally made up his mind and is definitely taking this mess to court. Chris Brown filed legal documents in Houston (where Nia and Royalty currently live) to establish paternity so he can fight Nia and her crazy thirst for child support cash. Nia claims she needs $15,000 a month in child support for their 1-year-old daughter. But Chris thinks the number should be closer to $2,500 and that’s what he’s been paying. “$2,500 a month? That’s cute,” thought the custom Lamborghini Chris is leaning his ass against in the picture above.

Chris also wants a judge to define some kind of a clear custody agreement. Chris claims that Nia has been preventing him from seeing Royalty. Yeah, I’m sure any judge would agree with Nia on that one. I would not be surprised if the judge asked Baby Royalty who she wanted to live with and said, “I agree. That would be the best option for you,” after she pointed to the stapler on his desk.

In the event you want to see what a father who still acts and dresses like a child looks like, here’s Chris Brown coming out of a club a couple nights ago.

Pic: Instagram, Wenn.com

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Bath and Body Works Art Stuff Foam!

In the 90s, Bath and Body Works went full HIGH ART when they released their line of Art Stuff products. Art Stuff was so artistic that you’d think that the world’s most original and thought-provoking artists, James Franco and Shia LaDouche, created it together. In the Art Stuff line was a body splash filled with Orbitz-like jizz balls, sassy lotion, shower gel, lip gloss and a glitter spray that was perfect for strippers who wanted to smell like extra sweet jelly donut filling made of chemically grown blueberries.

But what I remember most from the Art Stuff line is the foam! The Art Stuff foam was basically just a foam party in a can. It was a foamy body wash and it came in several nostril-tingling scents. (Although, I’m not sure if it came in Bath and Body Works’ signature gross scent of the 90s: the sweetened discharge that a watermelon squirts out after fucking a diseased fake cucumber.) If a Strawberry Shortcake character got rabies, their mouth foam would look and smell just like Bath and Body Works Art Stuff Foam. It was the best.

Pic: Pinterest

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Birthday Sluts

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Weir (31)
Margot Robbie (25)
Lindsay Lohan (29)
Ashley Tisdale (30)
Michelle Branch (32)
Owain Yeoman (37)
Erin Burnett (39)
Peter Kay (42)
Yancy Butler (45)
Monie Love (45)
Jose Canseco (51)
Samy Naceri (54)
Bret Hart (58)
Jerry Hall (59)
Wendy Schaal (61)
Larry David (68)
Richard Petty (78)

Pic: Sundance Channel

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Night Crumbs

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Donnie Wahlberg now knows why Jenny McCarthy was in the bathroom with her laptop for a long time last time. She was just rubbing her anti-vaxxer clit to Jim Carrey’s tweets about vaccines – The Superficial 

Something I really didn’t need to see today: Mimi’s billionaire Shrek boyfriend getting a face full of her unicorn chest balls – Lainey Gossip

Speaking of that billionaire Shrek, his one-time piece Miranda Kerr is getting her a new billionaire. She’s one rich dick closer to taking Elizabeth Hurley’s title as the world’s foremost billionaire banger – Celebitchy

NeNe Leakes is doing a game show with Betty White. And yes that is a sentence I typed for real – Reality Tea 

Behold, a real fucking lady named Nicole ScherzingerDrunken Stepfather

Bella Thorne sticks her butt out for the cameras at the Thirst Gala. The jokes, they write themselves – IDLYITW

The deep fried Big Mac looks like something a doctor might see during Mama June’s colonoscopy – Egotastic

Beyonce turned herself into a one-trick pride parade – Towleroad

Amber Heard wore some kind of Little House on the Prairie-inspired negligee dress to a Magic Mike XXL premiere – Popoholic

How to annoy your girlfriend AND get that YouTube money at the same time – Hollywood Tuna 

Paul Thomas Anderson is writing a Pinocchio movie starring Robert Downey Jr. I like it when movie executives make decisions about who should star in and write their movies while completely high on the wrong kind of crack – Pajiba

However, I don’t like it when TV executives make decisions about which classic movie from the 80s they should remake into a TV show while completely high on the wrong kind of crack. Case in point: The Fatal Attraction TV show is going to happen – Jezebel

Panty Creamer of the Day: Hot bean curd seller in Taiwan – The Berry 

Panty Creamer of the Day, Part II: A bearded Jai Courtney in a t-shirt – Just Jared

Justin Bieber got impaled by a dick in a video and should you make the Usher joke or do you want me to? – OMG Blog

Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch are a thing – HuffPo

I think my whole body puckered while watching Channing Tatum vogue – Boy Culture 

Presenting Bennifer 2.0 break-up theory #465 – ICYDK

Well, this gives me hope for our future and that was typed with zero sarcasm – Popsugar

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