Archives: July 2015

Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Kare About Being Objectified

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:

1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).

2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.

On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!

Ben Affleck’s Constant Gambling And Boozing Broke His Marriage

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Done, Again

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.

An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.

No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The gigantic glitter-spewing peen in Norway’s chlamydia PSA! 

According to The Telegraph, the STD rates in Norway are high and 23,000 people get chlamydia every year, because apparently when you Norwegians aren’t pickling fish, you’re getting your bareback fun on. (Side note: Pickling the fish sounds like a charming way of saying that you’re passing an STD to a poon.) The sex education charity RFSU wants to warn Norwegian teens and 20-somethings of chlamydia so they hired 19-year-old Philip van Eck to put on a dick costume and spray glitter on unsuspecting people. Those people now know how Liberace’s tricks felt when he gave them a facial.

RFSU says that they didn’t want to bore the youngins with a PSA filled with facts and statistics and shit. They wanted to make a fun campaign and there’s really nothing that is more fun than a big dick cumming glitter. Philip says that he was more than happy to put on a dick suit for the campaign titled “Penis Can Surprise You.” (I wish penis would surprise me more.)

“I thought it was hilarious. If I can help others, just by being a dick, there is nothing better.”

Even though I’m all for big dicks shooting out glitter jizz, I’m not sure how this PSA makes chlamydia seem like a bad thing. I mean, if one of the symptoms of chlamydia was glitter jizz, I’d be trying to bone human chlamydia strain Charlie Sheen right now.

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Birthday Sluts

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Debbie Harry (70)
Hannah Murray (26)
Casey Reinhardt (29)
Léa Seydoux (30)
Hilarie Burton (33)
Rhea Durham (37)
Liv Tyler (38)
Plies (39)
Sufjan Stevens (40)
Claire Forlani (43)
Missy Elliot (44)
Julianne Nicholson (44)
Melissa Peterman (44)
Henry Simmons (45)
Pamela Anderson (48)
Andre Braugher (53)
Carl Lewis (54)
Alan Ruck (59)
Dan Aykroyd (63)
Terrence Mann (64)
Fred Schneider (64)
Geneviève Bujold (73)
Twyla Tharp (74)
Jamie Farr (81)
Leslie Caron (84)
Olivia de Havilland (99)

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