Archives: July 2015

Hugh Jackman’s Wife Will Never Let Him Work With Homewrecking Legend St. Angie Jolie

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:

Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.

“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.

“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges

I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.

Nicki Minaj Accidentally Started A Twitter Fight With Joe Biden

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is random. Nicki Minaj and her maybe-fiancé of three months Meek Mill recently got into an online fight that ended with Nicki pointing her pitchfork in Joe Biden’s direction. Why? Because she can’t tell the difference between the names Budden and Biden. If you’re looking for a creative wedding present for Nicki, might I suggest registering her for a couple of beginner reading classes at The Learning Annex.

E! says it all started shortly after rapper Joe Budden verbally shat on Meek Mill during a recent episode of his podcast, I’ll Name This Podcast Later. Joe claimed Meek’s music is “too hard” for him to be serving up “fucking sappy fuck shit” realness when he’s around Nicki. Joe Budden must have been one of those dudes who was dumped at the prom or something, because he goes in hard on Nicki and Meek Mill’s romance:

“Be the hardcore guy that I’m sure [Nicki] was attracted to at some point. It’s nasty. I hate everything about it. [Meek’s] all like this bitch just stepped off of fucking Mars and is like the only girl. I hate it all. But I do appreciate them for keeping the hope of love alive.”

And On The Season Premiere Of Krapping Up The Kartrashians…

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Since Kim Kartrashian has a silicone womb full of her next publicity stunt and Khlozilla trapped her next victim, Kourtney Kartrashian had to come up with her next storyline or Pimp Mama Kris would’ve banished her to the basement where she’d have to spend her days watching Fat Rob dry his tears on a mountain of socks he never sold. So Kourtney decided to dump the father of her 3 kids, Scott Disick, because Pimp Mama Kris always told her: What’s the point of making babies with a man if you’re not going to dump him for the sake of your reality shit show and tabloid coverage?

Kartrashian Kentral (aka E! News) says that the human embodiment of a drool stain broke up with Scott over the Fourth of July weekend. The Slow One is apparently sick of Scott partying all the time and she ended things after seeing pictures of him touching his ex-piece Chloe Bartoli while vacationing in the South of France. Scott is still in Monte Carlo and is telling everybody that he’s single now. “E!’s source” (government name: Kristen Mary Houghton Kardashian Jenner) spilled out this shit about the break-up:

“Kourtney has always taken Scott back and been by his side, but now with three kids it has gotten old. Kourtney has to do what’s best for the kids. Scott has been running around saying he’s single. Kourtney dumped him after she saw the pics [in Monte Carlo] and he hasn’t been home after a month-long party binge.

Kourtney is putting on a brave face, but she is over it. She’s fed up. It’s humiliating and disrespectful. How much more is she supposed to take? Scott does not seem to care about what he’s doing. He’s clearly unraveling. He was a mess in NYC last month with the drinking and partying and he’s been in a downward spiral ever since. He’s been in trouble before, but this is on another level.”

Brave face? I haven’t heard of that kind of facelift. It must be some new shit you can only get done in South America.

I know this devastating and heartbreaking news makes you want to punch your chest while crying on a pile of bloody cherubs who committed suicide over true love being dead, but don’t worry. I’m sure that Scott and Kourtney will get back together as soon as they get the KUWTK script that reads:

kourtscottbreakup12

That’s emoji for: Shit Head and Sloth Girl get back together. (Like most of her sisters, Kourtney can only read emojis.)

Martin Lawrence Celebrated Independence Day Together

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.

A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.

“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”

Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.

The dude from Coldplay.Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).

JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.

Pics: Splash

People Magazine Got The First Pictures Of Bennifer 2.0 In the Bahamas

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner took their estranged asses to the Bahamas right before announcing their marriage was officially roadkill, because they didn’t want the paparazzi getting all up in their lives. Well, I don’t know how the paparazzi did it, but they somehow managed to find Ben and Jennifer having a ~serious~ moment on the beach in the Bahamas. (Today, the meaning of “somehow managed” is: The paparazzi just drove their rented boat to the place Bennnifer 2.0’s publicists told them to go at a specific time.)

People posted EXCLUSIVO pictures of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner sitting next to each other on some beach steps during their post-divorce announcement vacation in the Bahamas. An “onlooker” (aka either a nosy seagull or the pap) says that Ben and Jen’s “serious and somber” conversation on the beach steps lasted only a few minutes. They were cordial, but they never touched and when they weren’t talking, they stared into space at nothing. Um, isn’t that how most conversations with Ben Affleck go?

People tweeted this picture which gives me “Heidi Montag crying on a beat-up chair for the paps” vibes but without the organic raw emotions:

The “onlooker” didn’t say what Ben and Jennifer specifically talked about, but I’m guessing during their conversation he asked, “Ugh, we’ve been sitting here for like 5 minutes. Haven’t they taken enough pics?” To which Jennifer said, “Just pretend you’ve got something in your eye so they can see that you’re still wearing your wedding ring. Then you can go back to the stupid fucking casino, okay?!”

And this completely natural and not-at-all-staged somber photo shoot was brought to you by Coke. Share a Coke® with your emotionally unavailable, good-for-nothing almost ex-husband during a natural photo shoot for People.

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Got Secret Married This Weekend

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an appearance on The Late Late Show with James Corden back in March, vinegar enthusiast Mila Kunis danced around a question about whether she had taken her vinegar fetish to the next level by getting married to Massengill’s next of kin Ashton Kutcher. Mila never technically answered yes or no, but she was blushing and playing coy and didn’t correct James Corden when he pointed to her ring finger and said “They are married, look“, so everyone took that as an implied yes.

Well, it turns out Jackie was just playing us so she and Kelso could get secret married in private over the weekend. Those sneaky liars! According to UsWeekly, Mila Kunis officially became the second Mrs. Ashton Kutcher this weekend at a place called The Secret Garden at Parrish Ranch in Oak Glen, CA. A secret wedding at The Secret Garden? We totally should have seen this one coming. I bet they made Baby Wyatt go incognito in some kind of random animal costume to keep it extra hush-hush.

Mila has said in the past that she’s always wanted to get secret married and didn’t plan to invite anyone to her wedding, so nobody really knows anything about what happened this weekend. Until I see pictures confirming otherwise, I will choose to believe Ashton wore a gorgeous pink chiffon gown and the wedding was officiated by Red Forman. “Do you, dumbass, take this dumbass to be your lawfully wedded dumbass?

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The lady bald eagle whose cheers and fist pumps won the Woman’s World Cup for the US yesterday!

I’m sure that before the Woman’s World Cup final game between the US and Japan started yesterday, the American team went in dejected and defeated and knew they were probably going to lose. (I have no idea what I’m talking about, as usual, but just go with it.) But then they spotted a fan in a Party City bald eagle mask and an American flag pashmina fisting the air in the stands and they knew that they had to win the game for her and for America! Watching that lady bald eagle inject fifty fistfuls of American patriotism into that stadium gave Carli Lloyd the inspiration to make all those goals. Obviously. (Side note: Which team did Keira Knightley and Dr. Neela from ER play on?)

John Mellencamp must be a future-seer, because when he wrote the lyrics, “ain’t that America, something to see, baby,” he was definitely talking about the lady bald eagle cheering US to victory at the World Cup. THIS is America:

And Shia LaBeouf, the biggest ‘Murican who ever ‘Murica’d, definitely has the most patriotic boner right now.

(For Sara and Dana)

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Birthday Sluts

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Eva Green (35)
Camilla Rosso (21)
Rebecca Rosso (21)
Kate Nash (28)
D. Woods (30)
Gregory Smith (32)
Tay Zonday (33)
Kevin Hart (36)
Tamera Mowry-Housley (37)
Tia Mowry-Hardrict (37)
50 Cent (40)
Inspectah Deck (45)
Brian Van Holt (46)
Heather Nova (48)
Robin Antin (54)
Jennifer Saunders (57)
Allyce Beasley (61)
Geoffrey Rush (64)
George W. Bush (69)
Sylvester Stallone (69)
Ned Beatty (78)
Dalai Lama (80)
Della Reese (84)
Nancy Reagan (94)

Pic: Dimension Films

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Open Post: Hosted By A Beard-Less Henry Cavill

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

All of us: That thirsty woman with invisible brows in the background is.

No, this isn’t a story about how Henry Cavill broke up with (insert the name of his latest piece, if he has one, since I cannot keep track). Henry got rid of his other beard. Superman was working a half-face full of 70s pussy bush, but he obviously took a machete to that overgrown beard. At the Groove Festival in Dublin, Ireland today, Henry’s Amish hipster beard was replaced by a field of stubble. That’s some “let me exfoliate my thighs on that” stubble. And either I ate so many hot dogs that I’ve got wiener on the brain or beefy Henry Cavill really does look like a kielbasa that is so plumped up that it’s about to split open. Don’t you just want to shove him between two buns?

Pics: Wenn.com

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