UsWeekly says that Ben Affleck’s cliché mid-life crisis journey is right on track, because he allegedly took a page out of Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams’ playbook by taking his dick to the nanny’s poon. These mid-life crisis-having whores in Hollywood. It’s always the nanny. Can’t they change things up by doing the gardener or exterminator or someone other than the nanny. Give us a PLOT TWIST!
“Multiple sources” whispered into UsWeekly’s ear about how Ben Affleck has been dating his kids’ former nanny. Jennifer Garner hired the nanny and she obviously didn’t follow Mo’Nique’s tip when hiring a nanny or housekeeper. She didn’t hire a 4′ tall, fat 70-year-old man with two hairs on his head, no teeth and a chronic sharting problem. Jennifer hired a pretty 28-year-old named Christine Ouzounian. Christine grew up in California, worked for a fancy nanny agency in Beverly Hills and graduated from Arizona State University with a communications degree. Well, she allegedly put that communications degree to good use by communicating with Ben’s peen!!!
The sources say that during Ben and Jennifer’s 10-month separation, he and the nanny flirted and hung out without the kids around. Jennifer figured out that something was going on and immediately fired Christine. But that didn’t stop Christine and Ben from seeing each other. One of Christine’s friends claim that she went to his new rental house in L.A. on July 17th. (But I thought he was living in the guest house?) Christine thinks they’re going to be together forever. The source said, “She says Ben really, really likes her. She’s saying this is true love.”
But a rep for Ben threw UsWeekly’s story in the trash can and claims that Ben is not fucking the nanny.
“The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate.”
Ben’s rep is right about it being shameful and desperate. That’s why I sort of kind of believe it. Ben would. But really, story time in kindergarten? The hell kind of kindergarten did Ben’s rep go to? I know it’s been centuries since I was in kindergarten, but I don’t remember our teacher gathering us in the story time circle to tell us the tale of the movie star and the nanny he’s doing. They read us “Cat In The Hat,” not “Dad In The Nanny.“
They warned him…. but Mickey Rourke insisted on one last facelift. – runic2467
Bobby got flayed in his divorce. – Death by Bacon&ginger fiyah
The couple who went “dentist hunting” in the Minnesota neighborhood of Walter James Palmer.
By now, I’m sure you’ve already read the story of the dead-hearted demon dentist from Minnesota who murdered Simba’s uncle and I’m sure you’ve already left a fuck-filled review on his Yelp page. But to make a long, shitty story short, Walter James Palmer is wanted by officials in Zimbabwe for illegally hunting and cruelly killing a beloved 13-year-old lion named Cecil in the country’s Hwange National Park. Dr. Evil McLionKiller allegedly paid $50,000 for the kill and this isn’t the first time he shit on hunting laws. He illegally killed a black bear in Wisconsin a few years ago. I had a dentist once who only played Enya songs in his office and I thought his ass was evil and an ambassador from the Ninth Circle. But anyway, everyone wants the dentist’s head and the media has been camping outside of his house and practice.
MyFox 9 in Minneapolis caught these two messy entertainment makers creeping in front of the dentist’s house with Nerf guns in their hands and stuffed lion toys in their arms. They told reporters they were going dentist hunting and were using the stuffed lions as bait. They threw the stuffed lions in front of the dentist’s house. HA! This is the kind of beautiful messiness that happens when the most popular actors at the local community theater don’t have day jobs and come up with their best stunts while high on the good shit. They look like Bradley Cooper and Vanessa Bayer in a low-budget comedy remake of The Ghost and the Darkness.
— Ted Haller (@TedHallerFox9) July 28, 2015
I’m not sure I would put on a lion mask and creep around in front of the house of a hunter who allegedly killed a lion with a bow and arrow, but the things artists do for their art! Keep bringing the theater and social commentary to the streets, you two!
Stephen Dorff (42)
Joey Essex (25)
Rachel Miner (35)
Danger Mouse (38)
Josh Radnor (41)
Wanya Morris (42)
Wil Wheaton (43)
Martina McBride (49)
Alexandra Paul (52)
Danielle Staub (53)
Cynthia Rowley (57)
Ken Burns (62)
Tim Gunn (62)
Geddy Lee (62)
Patti Scialfa (62)
Leslie Easterbrook (66)
Tony Sirico (73)
David Warner (74)
Tupac and Biggie are up in heaven sharing a toast, because they have finally made it now that their names are on ugly, tacky and god awful $1700 clutches sold exclusively on GOOP – Jezebel
Rachel McAdams may star in the Doctor Strange movie with Bendthatdick Cumsinsnatches – Lainey Gossip
Khloe Kartrashian’s un-Photoshopped picture looks pretty Photoshopped – The Superficial
Dame St. Angie Jolie says that she’s never really loved acting. So basically, St. Angie Jolie’s greatness is so strong that she doesn’t even have to put her whole heart into acting and she still gets that Oscar – Celebitchy
Err, which one is Lady Gaga and which one is Dorinda from Real Housewives of New York City? – Reality Tea
Is the secret ingredient in Hype crack, because they were obviously on that bad shit when they came up with the idea to dress up Kim Kartrashian as Audrey Hepburn and Marie Antoinette (more like Marie AnTWATnette) for their ad – Drunken Stepfather
Nicole Scherzinger’s nipple came out to play in Mykonos – (NSFWish) The Nip Slip
If I put my ear up to this picture of Beyonce’s pushed-up chichis, I’d probably hear them say, “Bring on the pregnancy rumors…” – Egotastic
Kylie Jenner needed more attention, I see – WWTDD
So I guess we now know who bought that 55-gallon drum of lube from Amazon. This anchor did – SOW
The evil cunt of a dentist from Little Shop of Horrors lives and he recently killed a lion in Africa. RIP Cecil – Towleroad
Mary J. Blige as Evilene in The Wiz Live? Grace Jones was robbed! – Just Jared
Boo Boo Kitty and the hottest son from Empire are getting married – Popsugar
The look on the girl with the purple hair in the background is saying everything I want to say about Ireland Baldwin and Whateverthatonesnameis Baldwin air kissing – Hollywood Tuna
Quentin Tarantino probably has an entire room wallpapered with pictures of Emma Watson’s feets – IDLYITW
Is Mila Kunis wearing Dickies? – Popoholic
Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:
“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”
Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.
“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”
Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!
And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.
If you tried to go to dinner at a restaurant in L.A. last night and were told that the place was closed temporarily due to a massive flood of jizz, coochie slobber, nipple nectar and drool, you now know why. Phoebe Price had lunch at that same restaurant and caused dozens of peens, chochas, nipples and mouths to leak when she opened up her blazer and revealed her freckled cornish game hen chichis stuffed into an extremely sophisticated pasties bra thing. This look is very “Madonna in the Express Yourself video” meets five hundred layers of extra pure elegance.
In the past month alone, Chicken Cutlets has posed on the street with her nalgas out and has almost flashed her precious vagine in a Comic-Con photo shoot. So we’re probably just a few days away from her going full modest by posing naked and spread-eagle in front of a Pinkberry. The earth’s core will melt from the understated beauty of it all.
And someone should really call the ASPCA on PP, because it’s obvious that her dog Henry is almost suffering from heatstroke from being hit with the rays of hotness that are shooting off of her body. It’s like lying on the sun, if the sun smelled like grilled chicken, foundation and freshly bloomed ginger roses.
I also threw in pictures from this morning of the Queen of the Ho stroll meeting the former Jokers of the Ho Stroll, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. It is so charitable of PP to share her ho stroll photo shoots with those less famous than her. St. Chicken Cutlets, she is.
Last week, the WWE declared themselves Hulk Hogan-free after they confirmed that the jerkyfied walrus spewed out a bunch of racist shit in a sex tape. The National Enquirer and Radar published Hulk Hogan’s Paula Deen-approved dirty racist talk after they somehow got a hold of sealed transcripts from his sex tape. The transcripts were under seal by the court, because they’re part of Hulk Hogan’s $100 million lawsuit against Gawker.
Since Hulk got dropped by the WWE, he’s wondered why it’s not okay for him to say the n-word, but it’s okay for President Obama to say it while talking about racism in an interview. Hulk has also been re-tweeting pictures of his black Twitter followers to prove that he’s not a racist. Well, he better find pictures of his gay Twitter followers to re-tweet, because he’s about to get a slap down letter from GLAAD.
There’s no way Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to lower themselves by play acting with mere mortals in the Full House reboot Fuller House, because they’re way too rich and they’re way too busy designing $16,000 endangered rhino caftans for their fashion label. But I still hoped it would happen, because I really feel like I need to see one or two of those bridge trolls of darkness fight the urge to shrivel up and slither out the exit door while acting in the cheesiest and most wholesome sitcom ever. When the reboot was announced, the Olsens said that they were thinking about doing an episode, but it was later announced that they want no part of it. And that was that until this morning…
Variety says that at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, CA today, the head ho of Netflix said that there’s a chance Michelle Tanner may make an appearance in Fuller House.
“The Olsen twins are teetering whether or not they’ll be around,” Netflix boss Ted Sarandos said Tuesday morning at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, Calif.
Tuesday morning, Sarandos also told the room of reporters that the first episode of the “Full House” sequel shot last week. He explained that the streaming service was hot on reviving the series, as the show “never really went away” and is a cross-generational property that has performed well in syndication over the years.
Teetering.. I know what they’re doing. Those tricky little tricksters are screwing with Neflix’s emotions, because they can. They probably call up Netflix and say that they’ll do a few episodes of Fuller House and are sending over the contract. When their carrier black crow drops the contract off at Netflix’s offices, Ted Sarandos unrolls it and sees the word “SIKE” written in blood on it. (Fun fact: “Sike” is 90s for “psych.”) Then the Olsens “bleehehehe” into the cold night air, because fucking with people brings them joy. They do that a couple of times a week.
But in WAY more important Fuller House news, Kimmy Gibbler posted this picture on Instagram last week:
I wish I could un-drink all 10 million cups of coffee I’ve guzzled down over the years (I’m low-balling with that number). Because I haven’t truly drank a cup of coffee until I’ve drank it out of a Gibbler’s Coffee cup.
Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.
If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.
Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.