Archives: July 2015

Jane Birkin Wants Hermès To Take Her Name Off Of Their Crocodile Bag

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Emergencia! Emergencia! The Parasite Hiltons and Kim Kartrashians of the world may have to use their queef bubble of a brain to remember a new name for their overpriced and beloved Hermès crocodile Birkin bag.

Hermès named the Birkin bag after Jane Birkin, the British actress/singer who was with Serge Gainsbourg for a while, in 1984. Hermès designed the bag for her after she told the company’s CEO during a flight that she was upset about not having a great purse for traveling. She carried it for decades. The Birkin bag comes in all different kinds of colors and animals skins and they range in price from around $10,000 to YOUR FIRST BORN.

Jane issued a statement asking Hermès to take her name off of the crocodile Birkin bag (cost: $60,000), because she just can’t with how they get the crocodile’s skin to make the bag.

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Cara Delevingne Is Totally Going To Sic Taylor Swift’s Girl Squad On “Good Day Sacramento”

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Cara Delevingne’s quick interview with Good Day Sacramento started off on the wrong side of awkward before she even spit out one word. The host called her “Carla” (the clip cut that part out) and Cara looked like she would rather be getting finger banged by a hawk than talk to three hosts from a Sacramento morning show. It was like many awkward first dates I’ve had, except it didn’t end with them having bad one-time sex for the hell of it.

Cara was doing a bunch of morning show interviews via satellite to promote Paper Towns, which I always read as “Paper Towels.” (“Paper Towels” sounds like a riveting biopic about the life and times of the Brawny Man.) One of the hosts asks Cara if she read the book the movie is based on and she dipped her answer in syrupy sarcasm before throwing it at them. From there, it gets worse, or better for those of you who like to work out your jaw by cringing.

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Page Six Says That Gisele Bundchen Wore A Burqa To Get Her Tits Done On The Down Low

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Waking up to the headline “Gisele dons a burqa to secretly fix her ‘deflated’ boobs” made me dump my usual morning cup of crushed-up Vivarin and homemade Four Loko into the sink, because that shit took me higher than any upper could. Deflategate: The Sequel! This fuckery at its finest.

While Little Lord Tom Brady goes down his slide of happiness to heal the sadness in his heart area from being put in the time out corner again, his wife Gisele Bundchen is supposedly enjoying her new rotated and lifted chichis. Page Six says that Gisele was in Paris two weeks ago to get her deflated tits plumped up and her eyes done. That probably made Tom Brady extra sad, because we all know that he likes his balls deflated.

Gisele didn’t want anyone to find out so she came up with an ingenious (and ILLEGAL) disguise. Gisele and her sister Rafaela reportedly wore burqas as they waltzed into the International Clinique du Parc Monceau in Paris. Face coverings have been illegal in France since 2011. Gisele probably thought she was being extra slick and fooled those sneaky paps, but Page Six says that she fucked up and gave herself up.

Gisele supposedly used the same driver she’s been using for years and she wore open-toed shoes, which is a complete no no and something a Muslim woman who wears a burqa would never wear out in public. The paps claim this is Gisele in disguise:

The source says that Gisele’s tits got saggy after having two kids and so she decided to lift them up as a 35th birthday present to herself. After getting the $11,000 surgeries, her driver drove her and her sister to the Les Sources de Caudalie spa to heal for a few days. Gisele and her sister left Paris on Friday.

Gisele, Gisele… If you’re going to do some CULTURAL APPROPRIATION shit to get your tits done on the shush, at least do it right. She should’ve used a different driver, worn the right shoes and carried a bag that she would never carry. What an amateur! She also should’ve used a strong perfume to hide her signature scent of smugness that I can smell from here. But still, there’s no way of knowing 100% that it’s her and she can still deny, deny, deny. When a reporter tells her that her chichis are looking extra perky, she can once again say that she’ll NEVER have plastic surgery and they got that way from eating soybeans, doing chest yoga and praying.

Ben Affleck Denies Being The New Jude Law

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

UsWeekly says that Ben Affleck’s cliché mid-life crisis journey is right on track, because he allegedly took a page out of Jude Law, Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams’ playbook by taking his dick to the nanny’s poon. These mid-life crisis-having whores in Hollywood. It’s always the nanny. Can’t they change things up by doing the gardener or exterminator or someone other than the nanny. Give us a PLOT TWIST!

“Multiple sources” whispered into UsWeekly’s ear about how Ben Affleck has been dating his kids’ former nanny. Jennifer Garner hired the nanny and she obviously didn’t follow Mo’Nique’s tip when hiring a nanny or housekeeper. She didn’t hire a 4′ tall, fat 70-year-old man with two hairs on his head, no teeth and a chronic sharting problem. Jennifer hired a pretty 28-year-old named Christine Ouzounian. Christine grew up in California, worked for a fancy nanny agency in Beverly Hills and graduated from Arizona State University with a communications degree. Well, she allegedly put that communications degree to good use by communicating with Ben’s peen!!!

The sources say that during Ben and Jennifer’s 10-month separation, he and the nanny flirted and hung out without the kids around. Jennifer figured out that something was going on and immediately fired Christine. But that didn’t stop Christine and Ben from seeing each other. One of Christine’s friends claim that she went to his new rental house in L.A. on July 17th. (But I thought he was living in the guest house?) Christine thinks they’re going to be together forever. The source said, “She says Ben really, really likes her. She’s saying this is true love.”

But a rep for Ben threw UsWeekly’s story in the trash can and claims that Ben is not fucking the nanny.

“The story is complete garbage and full of lies. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind ‘blind sources’ and attempt to destroy families going through a difficult time. The tabloid [Us Weekly] decided to construct stories in order to sell magazines. It’s like story time in kindergarten. It’s shameful and desperate.”

Ben’s rep is right about it being shameful and desperate. That’s why I sort of kind of believe it. Ben would. But really, story time in kindergarten? The hell kind of kindergarten did Ben’s rep go to? I know it’s been centuries since I was in kindergarten, but I don’t remember our teacher gathering us in the story time circle to tell us the tale of the movie star and the nanny he’s doing. They read us “Cat In The Hat,” not “Dad In The Nanny.

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

The couple who went “dentist hunting” in the Minnesota neighborhood of Walter James Palmer.

By now, I’m sure you’ve already read the story of the dead-hearted demon dentist from Minnesota who murdered Simba’s other uncle and I’m sure you’ve already left a fuck-filled review on his Yelp page. But to make a long, shitty story short, Walter James Palmer is wanted by officials in Zimbabwe for illegally hunting and cruelly killing a beloved 13-year-old lion named Cecil in the country’s Hwange National Park. Dr. Evil McLionKiller allegedly paid $50,000 for the kill and this isn’t the first time he shit on hunting laws. He illegally killed a black bear in Wisconsin a few years ago. I had a dentist once who only played Enya songs in his office and I thought his ass was evil and an ambassador from the Ninth Circle. But anyway, everyone wants the dentist’s head and the media has been camping outside of his house and practice.

MyFox 9 in Minneapolis caught these two messy entertainment makers creeping in front of the dentist’s house with Nerf guns in their hands and stuffed lion toys in their arms. They told reporters they were going dentist hunting and were using the stuffed lions as bait. They threw the stuffed lions in front of the dentist’s house. HA! This is the kind of beautiful messiness that happens when the most popular actors at the local community theater don’t have day jobs and come up with their best stunts while high on the good shit. They look like Bradley Cooper and Vanessa Bayer in a low-budget comedy remake of The Ghost and the Darkness.

I’m not sure I would put on a lion mask and creep around in front of the house of a hunter who allegedly killed a lion with a bow and arrow, but the things artists do for their art! Keep bringing the theater and social commentary to the streets, you two!

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Birthday Sluts

July 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Stephen Dorff (42)
Joey Essex (25)
Rachel Miner (35)
Danger Mouse (38)
Josh Radnor (41)
Wanya Morris (42)
Wil Wheaton (43)
Martina McBride (49)
Alexandra Paul (52)
Danielle Staub (53)
Cynthia Rowley (57)
Ken Burns (62)
Tim Gunn (62)
Geddy Lee (62)
Patti Scialfa (62)
Leslie Easterbrook (66)
Tony Sirico (73)
David Warner (74)

Pic: Tumblr

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Night Crumbs

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Tupac and Biggie are up in heaven sharing a toast, because they have finally made it now that their names are on ugly, tacky and god awful $1700 clutches sold exclusively on GOOP – Jezebel

Rachel McAdams may star in the Doctor Strange movie with Bendthatdick CumsinsnatchesLainey Gossip

Khloe Kartrashian’s un-Photoshopped picture looks pretty Photoshopped – The Superficial

Dame St. Angie Jolie says that she’s never really loved acting. So basically, St. Angie Jolie’s greatness is so strong that she doesn’t even have to put her whole heart into acting and she still gets that Oscar – Celebitchy

Err, which one is Lady Gaga and which one is Dorinda from Real Housewives of New York City? – Reality Tea

Is the secret ingredient in Hype crack, because they were obviously on that bad shit when they came up with the idea to dress up Kim Kartrashian as Audrey Hepburn and Marie Antoinette (more like Marie AnTWATnette) for their ad – Drunken Stepfather

Nicole Scherzinger’s nipple came out to play in Mykonos – (NSFWish) The Nip Slip

If I put my ear up to this picture of Beyonce’s pushed-up chichis, I’d probably hear them say, “Bring on the pregnancy rumors…”  – Egotastic

Kylie Jenner needed more attention, I see – WWTDD

So I guess we now know who bought that 55-gallon drum of lube from Amazon. This anchor did – SOW

The evil cunt of a dentist from Little Shop of Horrors lives and he recently killed a lion in Africa. RIP CecilTowleroad

Mary J. Blige as Evilene in The Wiz Live? Grace Jones was robbed! – Just Jared

Boo Boo Kitty and the hottest son from Empire are getting married – Popsugar

The look on the girl with the purple hair in the background is saying everything I want to say about Ireland Baldwin and Whateverthatonesnameis Baldwin air kissing – Hollywood Tuna 

Quentin Tarantino probably has an entire room wallpapered with pictures of Emma Watson’s feets – IDLYITW

Is Mila Kunis wearing Dickies? – Popoholic

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The Host Of “The Bachelor” Haaaaaaates “UnREAL”

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and former host of one of my favorite HGTV shows Designers’ Challenge, probably watches UnREAL on Lifetime like I do. But unlike me, Chris probably hate watches it and he hates it so much that he pulls out his pubes and throws it at the TV screen while screaming a layer of his tonsil skin off. If you don’t know what UnREAL is, it’s a parody of The Bachelor and shows all the behind-the-scenes fakeness that goes on during the making of a trashy reality dating show. 8 million pairs of eyeballs watch The Bachelor and UnREAL gets about 1/10th of that, but it still got renewed for a second season. Chris hates it, though. I mean, he really, really hates it. He said this to Variety about it:

“The main difference that I’ve seen is that people watch The Bachelor. It’s complete fiction. As much as they would love to jump on our coattails — they were begging for us to talk about it and for people to write about it — at the end of the day, no one is watching. I mean, absolutely nobody is watching that show. Why? It is terrible. It is really terrible.”

Chris doesn’t mind when a show like Saturday Night Live spoofs The Bachelor, because they’re “validating” the show’s “cultural impact.” This bitch is really loving the smell of his own farts.

“You only do that when you are part of the vernacular. If not, you can’t make a joke. It’s a sign of respect. The way that UnREAL took it, it wasn’t a sign of respect. They were trying to take it another direction, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Chris does have a point. The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are high-quality, authentic documentaries about white love and they’re not at all scripted or edited. I’m sure that couple who got engaged on The Bachelorette last night, Kaitlyn the Trollop and Sexy Alf (copyright: Michelle Collins), won’t break up when their media tour is over and they’re no longer getting calls to co-host a pool party at a Las Vegas hotel together. I’m sure they’ll get married and I’m sure their granddaughter will be on season 70 of The Bachelorette, because that’s how long that important show will last and that’s how long their love will last. UnREAL needs to respect The Bachelor shows for being the cultural jewels that they are!

And I so want to watch UnREAL with Chris Harrison. I have always suspected that he’s a robot, so I want to see his hard drive malfunction as he watches that shit.

Open Post: Hosted By Phoebe Price’s Very Demure Lunch Ensemble

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

If you tried to go to dinner at a restaurant in L.A. last night and were told that the place was closed temporarily due to a massive flood of jizz, coochie slobber, nipple nectar and drool, you now know why. Phoebe Price had lunch at that same restaurant and caused dozens of peens, chochas, nipples and mouths to leak when she opened up her blazer and revealed her freckled cornish game hen chichis stuffed into an extremely sophisticated pasties bra thing. This look is very “Madonna in the Express Yourself video” meets five hundred layers of extra pure elegance.

In the past month alone, Chicken Cutlets has posed on the street with her nalgas out and has almost flashed her precious vagine in a Comic-Con photo shoot. So we’re probably just a few days away from her going full modest by posing naked and spread-eagle in front of a Pinkberry. The earth’s core will melt from the understated beauty of it all.

And someone should really call the ASPCA on PP, because it’s obvious that her dog Henry is almost suffering from heatstroke from being hit with the rays of hotness that are shooting off of her body. It’s like lying on the sun, if the sun smelled like grilled chicken, foundation and freshly bloomed ginger roses.

I also threw in pictures from this morning of the Queen of the Ho stroll meeting the former Jokers of the Ho Stroll, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. It is so charitable of PP to share her ho stroll photo shoots with those less famous than her. St. Chicken Cutlets, she is.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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