Archives: July 2015

Hulk Hogan’s Sex Tape Is The Offensive Gift That Keeps On Offending

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Last week, the WWE declared themselves Hulk Hogan-free after they confirmed that the jerkyfied walrus spewed out a bunch of racist shit in a sex tape. The National Enquirer and Radar published Hulk Hogan’s Paula Deen-approved dirty racist talk after they somehow got a hold of sealed transcripts from his sex tape. The transcripts were under seal by the court, because they’re part of Hulk Hogan’s $100 million lawsuit against Gawker.

Since Hulk got dropped by the WWE, he’s wondered why it’s not okay for him to say the n-word, but it’s okay for President Obama to say it while talking about racism in an interview. Hulk has also been re-tweeting pictures of his black Twitter followers to prove that he’s not a racist. Well, he better find pictures of his gay Twitter followers to re-tweet, because he’s about to get a slap down letter from GLAAD.

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Netflix Teases That The Olsens May Guest Star On “Fuller House” After All

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

There’s no way Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to lower themselves by play acting with mere mortals in the Full House reboot Fuller House, because they’re way too rich and they’re way too busy designing $16,000 endangered rhino caftans for their fashion label. But I still hoped it would happen, because I really feel like I need to see one or two of those bridge trolls of darkness fight the urge to shrivel up and slither out the exit door while acting in the cheesiest and most wholesome sitcom ever. When the reboot was announced, the Olsens said that they were thinking about doing an episode, but it was later announced that they want no part of it. And that was that until this morning…

Variety says that at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, CA today, the head ho of Netflix said that there’s a chance Michelle Tanner may make an appearance in Fuller House.

“The Olsen twins are teetering whether or not they’ll be around,” Netflix boss Ted Sarandos said Tuesday morning at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, Calif.

Tuesday morning, Sarandos also told the room of reporters that the first episode of the “Full House” sequel shot last week. He explained that the streaming service was hot on reviving the series, as the show “never really went away” and is a cross-generational property that has performed well in syndication over the years.

Teetering.. I know what they’re doing. Those tricky little tricksters are screwing with Neflix’s emotions, because they can. They probably call up Netflix and say that they’ll do a few episodes of Fuller House and are sending over the contract. When their carrier black crow drops the contract off at Netflix’s offices, Ted Sarandos unrolls it and sees the word “SIKE” written in blood on it. (Fun fact: “Sike” is 90s for “psych.”) Then the Olsens “bleehehehe” into the cold night air, because fucking with people brings them joy. They do that a couple of times a week.

But in WAY more important Fuller House news, Kimmy Gibbler posted this picture on Instagram last week:

kimmygibblerfullerhouse2015

I wish I could un-drink all 10 million cups of coffee I’ve guzzled down over the years (I’m low-balling with that number). Because I haven’t truly drank a cup of coffee until I’ve drank it out of a Gibbler’s Coffee cup.

Pic: Wenn.com

Panty Creamers Of The Day: The Hemsworth Brothers At The “Vacation” Premiere

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Liam Hemsworth and Luke Hemsworth showed up to the L.A. premiere of Vacation (aka that reboot where Marky Mark’s rubber dick from Boogie Nights makes its triumphant return on Thor’s crotch) yesterday to support their middle brother Chris Hemsworth. What’s the equivalent of Maury in Australia? Whatever it is, Luke should go on it, because I’d bet that he was the product of his mom’s affair with a miniature Mark Hamill impersonator.

If we played a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill with the Hemsworth brothers, it’d be easy for me. I’d fuck Luke Hemsworth. I’d marry Chris Hemsworth, because then I’d get sexing from him more than once. (“Ha, like married people fuck.” – you “Good point.” – you) And I wouldn’t have to kill Liam Hemsworth. He’d throw himself into a fire as soon as I flashed my b-hole at him.

Here’s more of the Hemsworth brothers last night. I guess Luke didn’t get the memo that they were all supposed to dress like Wall Street bankers unwinding at happy hour after a long day.

Pics: Wenn.com

Tom Cruise Lip-Synched FOR HIS LIFE On “The Tonight Show”

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!

As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!

And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec BaldwinJeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson. 

Pics: Wenn.com

Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation (UPDATE)

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….

During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.

The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Suave Strawberry Shampoo!

That blurry picture of Suave strawberry shampoo is the closest picture I could find of the Suave strawberry shampoo bottle of the 80s. The Internet let me down, because it’s supposed to have a picture of EVERYTHING. I can probably pull up a close-up picture of any Kartrashian b-hole with just a few clicks, but I can’t find a picture of the Suave strawberry shampoo bottle of the 80s? For shame!

When I was 7 or 8, Suave strawberry shampoo was like heaven in a bottle. Back then, Suave was made by Helene Curtis, who is not a real person, by the way. I know, it broke my soul too finding that fucked-up shit out. Anyway, one of my friends had it in their bathroom and after sniffing it like my name was Charlie Sheen and that bottle was filled with coke, I begged my mom to buy me some whenever we went to the store. She said no a few times, but after the millionth time, she finally bought it for me. (Side note: The people who watched me beg my mom for strawberry shampoo knew I was gay before I did.)

Suave strawberry shampoo was my favorite thing for a while and by “a while” I mean 4 or 5 months, which is forever to an 8-year-old. I shampooed with it, I used it as body wash, I took baths with it and I’m sure I snorted a few lines of it, which explains why my brain is the way it is. Eventually, I moved on to another shampoo since chirrun are fickle as fuck and I haven’t since sniffed it in a while.

Suave strawberry-scented shampoo is still around and you can go out right now and buy it, but sadly, it comes in a fug ass bottle. I’m always afraid of buying it now, because it probably smells different and I don’t want to ruin the memory. Although, I bet it’ll taste delicious with rum, triple sec, gin and vodka.

Pic: Pinterest

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Birthday Sluts

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Elizabeth Berkley (43)
Cher Lloyd (22)
Spencer Boldman (23)
Soulja Boy (25)
Nolan Gerard Funk (29)
Dustin Milligan (30)
Zach Parise (31)
Afroman (41)
Nicole Narain (41)
Alexis Arquette (46)
Lori Loughlin (51)
Georgia Engel (67)
Sally Struthers (68)
Jim Davis (70)

Pic: United Artists

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Night Crumbs

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While hosting a party at a club in Las Vegas on Saturday night, Mimi blinded her loyal subjects with the sparkles that shot off of the exquisitely opulent Claire’s pendant that decorated the space above her Tupperware titty bowls. No, it’s not from Claire’s. Mimi’s Australian billionaire boyfriend bought it for her and it cost $500,000. Can his next gift be a pair of fake eyelashes that don’t look like they were made from dust broom bristles? – Lainey Gossip 

Caitlyn Jenner’s got another grandchild – Reality Tea 

Something you needed to know: Ed Sheeran sharted on stage once – Celebitchy

Cara Delawhatever freak danced in a parking lot. She is living the life – Drunken Stepfather

Now THIS is my idea of a Thelma & Louise reboot: Phoebe Price and Frenchy from Rock of Love Bus got papped in a car – (NSFW because of Frenchy’s flashing nipple) WWTDD

The most surprising thing about this picture of George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Katy Perry is that Bill’s eyes aren’t firmly planted on her chichis – The Superficial 

Permanent yacht dweller Victoria Silvstedt is on a yacht – Egotastic

Brigitte Bardot has taken a break from being a racist to save 2 million feral cats from being sent to heaven – Jezebel

Nicole Scherzinger wore a snakeskin print dress over the weekend, just in case you were wondering what Nicole Scherzinger wore over the weekend – Popoholic

This Supergirl costume would look a whole lot better if Helen Fucking Slater was wearing it – Hollywood Tuna 

Madge’sRebel Heart” tour will have stripping nuns in it. Sounds about right – Towleroad

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s initial autopsy is complete and the Medical Examiner will not issue her official cause of death until all tests results come back in the next few weeks – Just Jared

A Charlie Hunnam double lives in the world, which means you have twice as many chances to fuck a dude who looks like Charlie Hunnam – Popsugar

Even though Canada didn’t want it, Kanye West’s Pan Am Games performance happened over the weekend and it went well. And by “went well” I mean he threw the mic and quit that bitch due to a technical glitch – HuffPo

Kanye West also shared his words of wisdom about Caitlyn Jenner’s transition in the first episode of I Am Cait. Wait, did he call Kendall Jenner a “supermodel” in that clip? Kanye is even more far gone than I thought!  – Pink Is The New Blog 

Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a black friend, but he does have black Twitter followers, which obviously means: not a racist! – Pajiba

Pic: Wenn.com

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Joe Jackson Had A Stroke And Three Heart Attacks

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Joe Jackson, one of the original child star pimps who makes Dina Lohan look like Marion Cunningham, nearly left the earth on Sunday after having a stroke in Brazil. The stroke left Joe temporarily blind and if that wasn’t enough, his heart stopped during surgery. Joe is in Brazil because a company called Nexxing threw him an 87th birthday party and invited him. Oh, Brazil, you’ve taken come to Brazil” way too far when you’re telling Joe Jackson to come to Brazil.

TMZ says that Detective La Toya Jackson’s dad woke up on Sunday with the dizzies and he couldn’t see. He was taken to the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo where doctors ran tests on him. The doctors reportedly discovered that an artery behind his eye busted and that’s what caused him to have a stroke and lose his eyesight. While in the hospital, he had three heart attacks including one during surgery. But it’s going to take more than one stroke and three heart attacks to send Joe Jackson to the afterworld. Joe Jackson pulled out one of his signature switches and shooed the Grim Reaper away by waving his weapon of choice at it.

TMZ says that doctors put a pacemaker in Joe and so far, he’s on his way to a full recovery. Joe can see again and his speech wasn’t affected at all. He’s even “cracking jokes” in his hospital bed. 87-year-old Joe has had several strokes before and the most recent one was in 2012. So there you go, Joe Jackson still lives!

And here’s Joe and his “girlfriend,” who is giving me lot lizard Carmen Electra, visiting the CT Corinthians football club in São Paulo on Friday.

Pics: Splash

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