Archives: July 2015

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Done, Again

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.

An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.

No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

The gigantic glitter-spewing peen in Norway’s chlamydia PSA! 

According to The Telegraph, the STD rates in Norway are high and 23,000 people get chlamydia every year, because apparently when you Norwegians aren’t pickling fish, you’re getting your bareback fun on. (Side note: Pickling the fish sounds like a charming way of saying that you’re passing an STD to a poon.) The sex education charity RFSU wants to warn Norwegian teens and 20-somethings of chlamydia so they hired 19-year-old Philip van Eck to put on a dick costume and spray glitter on unsuspecting people. Those people now know how Liberace’s tricks felt when he gave them a facial.

RFSU says that they didn’t want to bore the youngins with a PSA filled with facts and statistics and shit. They wanted to make a fun campaign and there’s really nothing that is more fun than a big dick cumming glitter. Philip says that he was more than happy to put on a dick suit for the campaign titled “Penis Can Surprise You.” (I wish penis would surprise me more.)

“I thought it was hilarious. If I can help others, just by being a dick, there is nothing better.”

Even though I’m all for big dicks shooting out glitter jizz, I’m not sure how this PSA makes chlamydia seem like a bad thing. I mean, if one of the symptoms of chlamydia was glitter jizz, I’d be trying to bone human chlamydia strain Charlie Sheen right now.

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Birthday Sluts

July 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Debbie Harry (70)
Hannah Murray (26)
Casey Reinhardt (29)
Léa Seydoux (30)
Hilarie Burton (33)
Rhea Durham (37)
Liv Tyler (38)
Plies (39)
Sufjan Stevens (40)
Claire Forlani (43)
Missy Elliot (44)
Julianne Nicholson (44)
Melissa Peterman (44)
Henry Simmons (45)
Pamela Anderson (48)
Andre Braugher (53)
Carl Lewis (54)
Alan Ruck (59)
Dan Aykroyd (63)
Terrence Mann (64)
Fred Schneider (64)
Geneviève Bujold (73)
Twyla Tharp (74)
Jamie Farr (81)
Leslie Caron (84)
Olivia de Havilland (99)

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