All of us: That thirsty woman with invisible brows in the background is.
No, this isn’t a story about how Henry Cavill broke up with (insert the name of his latest piece, if he has one, since I cannot keep track). Henry got rid of his other beard. Superman was working a half-face full of 70s pussy bush, but he obviously took a machete to that overgrown beard. At the Groove Festival in Dublin, Ireland today, Henry’s Amish hipster beard was replaced by a field of stubble. That’s some “let me exfoliate my thighs on that” stubble. And either I ate so many hot dogs that I’ve got wiener on the brain or beefy Henry Cavill really does look like a kielbasa that is so plumped up that it’s about to split open. Don’t you just want to shove him between two buns?
When Billy Joel’s friends and family showed up to his gigantic estate on Long Island yesterday, they thought they were there for a Fourth of July party, but they quickly realized that they were actually there for his fourth wedding. Nothing will punch the excitement out of you like finding out that you have to sit through a boring wedding before getting Fourth of July plastered.
People says that 33-year-old Alexis Roderick, who used to work for Morgan Stanley, became the third blonde inducted into The Billy Joel Wives Club when she married 66-year-old Billy Joel yesterday. The wedding was officiated by Sandra Lee’s piece Governor Andrew Cuomo. UsWeekly says that guests including his daughter Alexa Ray and the King of Queens, Kevin James, watched Billy Joel become somebody’s husband for the fourth time. Billy Joel was married to Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, ageless vampire Christie Brinkley for 9 years and Katie Lee for 6 years.
Billy Joel and Alexis started bumping fuck parts in 2009. Alexis currently has Billy Joel’s second child growing in her womb. Back in April, they announced that she’s knocked up.
Billy and Alexis released that picture above after they got married. That picture really is the perfect portrait of wedded bliss. I mean, Billy (who is giving me overcooked hot dog in that picture) looks like he’s thinking to himself “Oh god, what have I done AGAIN?” while she’s closing her eyes and envisioning herself leaping across a mountain of his money. Congrats to the happy couple!
And here’s some pictures of Billy and his new trophy bride throughout the years.
While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)
While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.
Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.
Carlene LeFevre, the Grand Dame of Competitive Eating!
The Coney Island boardwalk is covered in more vomit and diarrhea than usual today and that’s because Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest (aka the “Dear Starving People Of The World, In America We Gorge Ourselves On Food For Sport” event) happened as it does every year on the Fourth of July. A huge upset went down. Joey Chestnut’s 8 year run as the reigning hot dog gobbler of the world came to an end when tiny, little human garbage disposal Matt Stonie ate more wieners and buns than John Travolta at David Miscavige’s birthday orgy in the Scientology bathhouse.
Joey Chestnut swallowed down 60 dogs in 10 minutes and Matt Stone outdid him with 62 dogs. I watched this wreck yesterday and Joey Chestnut looked like he was in pain. He had that “first time doing butt sex without lube” look about him. It looked like he was clenching his ass cheeks together because he was afraid his bowels were finally going to make a break for it out of his b-hole. Or maybe he was just sad that he got his ass beat. On the women’s side, the competitive eater of my heart Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas failed once again to take down returning ladies champion Miki Sudo. Sonya devoured 31 dogs to Miki’s 38. Also on the women’s side, 60-something-year-old beauty Carlene LeFevre placed 10th with 11 dogs. It was her fifth time competing.
Carlene LeFevre started stretching the limits of her stomach skin during major league eating competitions sometime in the 80s. Since then, she’s swallowed down everything from steaks to hamburgers to SPAM to ribs to cheese fries. She took a long break from the diarrhea-inducing game in 2005, but came back hard in 2014 when she won the ladies trophy in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Qualifier in Las Vegas (pictured above with the men’s winner Pablo Martinez). Carlene is currently ranked #25 in the world. Carlene’s husband Richard LaFevre is also a competitive eater and he’s ranked #16 in the world.
After reading Carlene’s way-too-short Wikipedia bio, I learned a few hot facts:
1. Her competitive eating nickname is “The Madam of Etiquette,” because she tries to keep it polite, ladylike and clean while shoving an entire Sizzler buffet into her eating hole.
2. She worked as an aerobics instructor, grade school teacher and a Mary Kay saleswoman. You probably already guessed the last one, because her delicately painted face gives that away.
3. She watches 8 hours of TV a day, but don’t call her the hermit queen of the couch, because she sometimes presses the pause button on the remote so she can exercise a little.
And here’s a clip from the MTV show Girl Code of Maxine’s nicer and hungrier younger sister showing some amateurs how to go wild on a wiener:
Carlene LeFevre: A lady in the streets and a freak at the competitive eating table.
And here’s a few pictures from yesterday’s Nathan Wiener Gobble Contest of competitors eating what Mama June eats as an amuse-bouche.
Edie Falco (52)
Jason Dolley (24)
Sean O’Pry (26)
Pauly D (35)
Róisín Murphy (42)
Jenji Kohan (46)
Hedi Slimane (47)
Michael Stuhlbarg (47)
Marc Cohn (56)
Huey Lewis (65)
Judge Joe Brown (68)
Paul Smith (69)
Robbie Robertson (72)
Shirley Knight (79)
Katherine Helmond (86)
Pic: NY Post
In honor of Independence Day, topless titty crusader Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate America’s freedom by strapping her feet into a wakeboard and cruising around a lake with her bald eagle eggs bouncing in the wind. Oh, who am I kidding – it doesn’t really matter what day it is, she would have done that anyway. I’m sure she has the same plan for Arbor Day, Susan B. Anthony Day, and National Grilled Cheese Day. America’s fun drunk aunt threw up a video of herself engaging in some water sports earlier today to Instagram with the following caption:
“To celebrate Independence Day, I give you my piece de resistance. Land of the free, home of the me.“
Of course, it has since been yanked down by Instragam’s titty police. But that didn’t stop her from posting it to Twitter. “Keep fighting the good fight!” hollered fellow social media nipple freedom fighter Chrissy Teigen. I’ve hidden the video after the jump for obvious reasons (ie. tons of titty).
Last year around this time, Taylor “Don’t Call Me A Desperate Clinger” Swift (seen above quite literally desperately clinging to current boyfriend Calvin Harris) celebrated the Fourth of July with a small collection of her closest famous girl friends, because her management team was going for a sort-of “me & my gals” friendship vibe. But this year, it looks like her management team OK’d her request to make it all about her new boyfriend.
Yesterday, Calvin Harris Instagrammed the first picture from Tay Tay’s Independence Day Spectacular, and today we have the rest. Just like the last time Taylor threw a party with her famous girl crew, it’s a real “Oh say can you see…ME!” celebration. If pictures from Taylor Swift’s Gathering of the Butterscotch parties were a drinking game, we’d all be halfway to hammered right now. Take a shot if Taylor Swift and her friends post a picture of them jumping in the air. Take another shot if she’s making a mouth-open surprised face while she’s doing it. Chug your drink every time she looks like she’s auditioning for an Ann Taylor LOFT-sponsored remake of Gidget.
If you’re expecting to see Tay Tay digging in to a Cool Whip flag cake or taking a selfie with some sparklers, you’ve come to the wrong Fourth of July party. Tay Tay is rich, so her Fourth of July is nothing like a regular person’s Fourth of July. Instead, it’s more like what I imagine the 10th birthday party for Uncle Sam’s spoiled daughter would look like. Taylor filled her pool with giant inflatable swans and rented some sort of red, white, and blue floating super slide to match their red, white, and blue beach towels. Then she forced all her friends to put on American flag onesies and take cutesy slumber party pictures. Now that I think of it, that Cool Whip flag cake would have fit in perfectly.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.
Americana, the true symbol of America whose image should be made into a gigantic statue of cooper that sits on Liberty Island in NYC. (Sorry, Statue of Libery.)
In honor of the day that some of us fill our greedy mouth hole with gallon after gallon of imported beer until our liver declares independence from our body, today’s HSOTD is Americana, a wrestler from the hands-down greatest sports organization of all-time: GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling)! Whenever I see shit about how China overtook the US as the world’s largest economy, I shake my head at this country and its decisions. That would’ve never happened if GLOW still existed today, because it would be bringing in at least ten trillion dollars. At least!
When GLOW started in 1986, Americana (played by Cindy Maranne) was an original member and she lasted 2 seasons. (GLOW itself only lasted 5 seasons.) She was the GLOW singles champion at one point. She quit GLOW and hung up her red, white and blue leotard, because she wanted to move back to L.A. to do the “real” acting thing. Cindy was in an 80s horror movie called Slash Dance so her dreams of making it in Hollywood obviously came true. She also married one of GLOW’s writers and together they had a kid I’m hoping they named Americana Jr. Americana is also in the documentary about GLOW and if you haven’t seen it already, you really should. Or just sign up for an American History class at any Ivy League university since I’m sure they cover the GLOW documentary in depth.
And now I leave you with this extra hot patriotic clip of Americana taking on Royal Hawaiian. This is about as American as blowing your nalgas skin off after lighting a firecracker in your ass during a Fourth of July BBQ.
Happy 4th, everyone!
Koko The Gorilla (44)
Alyssa Miller (26)
Melanie Fiona (32)
Isabeli Fontana (32)
The Situation (33)
Becki Newton (37)
Elie Saab (51)
David Cross (52)
Ute Lemper (52)
Neil Morrissey (53)
Andrew Zimmern (54)
Victoria Abril (56)
Geraldo Rivera (72)
Queen Sonja of Norway (78)
Gina Lollobrigida (88)
Neil Simon (88)
Eva Marie Saint (91)