Archives: July 2015

Open Post: Hosted By Shia LaBeouf Line Dancing To A Steve Earle Song In A Stay USA Hotel Parking Lot

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

And here I thought that the most ‘Murican thing that would touch my eyes this week would be the sight of a topless, Wild and Wonderful Whites-looking ass Shia LaDouche screaming “America!” while visiting Mount Rushmore. I was wrong. Shia managed to outdo himself. Shia, who recently busted his head, is currently shooting a movie in rural South Dakota and TMZ got a video of him and the movie’s crew doing the Copperhead Road line dance to the Steve Earle song of the same name in the parking lot of a Stay USA Hotel. Watching it made my nipples secrete Cheez Whiz. It’s that ‘Murican.

As I can tell from my liver shivering with fear, it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow and so I’m 100% sure that Shia is going to go all the way. Shia’s going to try to get a bald eagle to butt fuck him as he sucks off the end of a firework in the back of an American flag-painted El Camino driving up to a Dairy Queen. So we better hide all bald eagles and fireworks in a place Shia will never go. (Hint: Let’s hide them in a shower.)

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Elizabeth Olsen Was Using Tom Hiddleston As A Decoy So She Could Secretly Date Chris Evans

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.

A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.

“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”

In the past fourteen months, Chris has been rumored to be doing Elizabeth Olsen, Lily Collins, Lucy Pinder, and Sandra Bullock. “Who’s the slut now?” hissed Black Widow.

I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.

Jennifer Garner And Ben Affleck Are Hiding Out With Their Kids In The Bahamas

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re rich, famous and don’t want your old friends the paparazzi stalking you to get the first pictures of you “STEPPING OUT AFTER THE DIVORCE NEWS,” you pack up your kids and fly off to your house in the Bahamas. Every casino in the Bahamas is calling in their best counting cards catcher, because Ben Affleck is there right now.

Page Six, TMZ, UsWeekly and every other media outlet who was on the CC list that Bennifer 2.0’s publicist sent out say that right around the time they announced that their marriage was done, they traveled to the Caribbean. Page Six’s source says that Ben and Jennifer Garner’s first priority is their three kids and they knew that if they stayed in L.A. the paps would’ve followed them around while screaming, “Oh, oh, so now that you’re getting a divorce you want nothing to do with us? It’s like that, huh?” Ben and Jennifer just want to spend some quiet family time together in the Bahamas.

Amanda Seyfried Has A Case Of Fetus Fever

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Behold, the one person who might actually envy Michelle Duggar’s perpetual motion machine vagina. Amanda Seyfried recently admitted to Marie Claire UK that she wants a baby inside her RIGHT NOW. Amanda’s womb is ready for a visitor and her ovaries are furiously swiping right on every sperm they see on Fertilizer (aka Tinder for eggs). Amanda, who is currently dating Justin Long, is only 29 years old, but apparently her reproductive parts are screaming at her to get sperminated before they turn into a mummified pile of dust.

“I keep feeling like my eggs are dying off. Once you’ve turned 30, you might only have a 20 per cent of getting pregnant [each cycle]. And that’s if everything is working well. Isn’t that crazy? I need to get on it. I want a child, badly. I’ve been feeling it it for like, two years. I’m not ready, but nobody is ready.”

She goes on to say that she’s also ready for marriage, but don’t expect to see her posing for Vogue in a wedding gown. According to Amanda: “I do premieres and dress up all the time. I do that for a fucking living.

Amanda doesn’t have to worry that much about her chances of finding a fetus in her babymaker. If a 65-year-old grandma can get knocked up, I’m sure science will be able to find a way for 29-year-old Amanda. What I’d be more concerned about is just how bad it would be for your babymaker if the excessive amount of canned nacho cheese residue traveling through your body every day around 7pm were to seep through your intestines and collect on your uterus. For real, is that a thing that can happen? I’m asking for “friend“.

But Amanda’s not totally without a cuddly snuggle baby in her life. Here she is with her dog Finn in New York last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Disclosing tablets, the snitch ass bitches who will call your nasty teeth out and expose your lazy brushing ways!

Disclosing tablets may look like Dot Candy and also may look like they taste as delicious as chewable Tylenol tablets (Side note: I lived for the taste of chewable Tylenol tablets when I was kid and it’s surprising I didn’t overdose on that shit.), but they are the exact opposite of candy and taste gross. I don’t even know if kids nowadays have to chew on that nasty crap when going to the dentist. They probably all have daVinci veneers installed at birth.

The first or second time I went to the dentist, he made me brush in front of him and afterward, I had to chew on a disclosing tablet. Not only did chewing on a disclosing tablet give me gorgeous tie-die teef (click here if you really need to see what that looks like), but it also showed the plaque I missed while brushing. It turned the plaque either blue or bright red. You also had to be careful with that mess, because if it got on your clothes, it would leave stain and look like Poochie got her period on you.

I’m glad that as a total grown up (HAHAHA) I don’t have to chew on that nastiness when going to the dentist (and neither does Pete Doherty, because I’m sure a disclosing tablet would explode in his hand even before he put it in his mouth). Since I’m an adult now, my dentist just lectures me before taking it out on me with his drill. So much better than those blabbermouth tablets.

Pic: Google

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Birthday Sluts

July 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Andrea Barber (39)
Olivia Munn (35)
Ludivine Sagnier (36)
Patrick Wilson (42)
Julian Assange (44)
Audra McDonald (45)
Shawnee Smith (46)
Sandra Lee (49)
Connie Nielsen (50)
Yeardley Smith (51)
Tom Cruise (53)
Thomas Gibson (53)
Hunter Tylo (53)
Montel Williams (59)
Betty Buckley (68)
Gloria Allred (74)
Tom Stoppard (78)

Pic: Getty

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Night Crumbs

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Matt Damon has a ponytail now. Um, doesn’t Matt realize that Ben Affleck is the one who’s supposed to grow a totally hot post break-up, mid-life crisis ponytail? Matt Damon has never really done things to me, but now that he looks like a clean and shaven Leonardo DiCatchAHo cosplayer, he is doing things to me  – Lainey Gossip 

Tiger Woods denies passing his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife, which means he totally passed his always wandering peen to a fellow golfer’s ex-wife – The Superficial 

Somebody needs to turn this crazy Christian lady’s extra campy rant into a disco dance remix. It’ll be the perfect thing to play at the reception of a gay wedding – Towleroad

NeNe “I Am A Rich Bitch” Leakes is trying to act like she doesn’t only care about money – Reality Tea

How to make your yoga video a one hundred percent more interesting: get your cat to pussy block the camera – Hollywood Tuna  

Why did I just mistake a pregnant Evangeline Lilly for Katey Sagal? – Drunken Stepfather

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady are too famous for some EXCLUSIVO Boston country club – Celebitchy

The new and longer Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp trailer still needs more gay sex. It has gay flirting, but it definitely needs gay sex – The Berry 

Everyone’s new favorite panty creamer Ruby Rose walked to her car – Moe Jackson 

Kelly Kapowski had another baby – Popsugar

Nicole Scherzinger looks like a fly trying to give sexyface – Popoholic

Marisa Tomei is playing a lesbian billionaire in Empire next season – Just Jared

It actually took longer than I thought for the tabloids to say that Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage ate shit because his dick wanted a piece of JLo again – ICYDK

John Travolta really needs to take the new Lex Luthor wig shopping – Egotastic

It’s the end of an era on Sesame Street SOW

In “EVERYONE saw this coming news,”  Diddy will not face felony charges for allegedly attacking his son’s football coach – Variety

Pic: Splash

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Former CNN Anchor Lynne Russell And Her Husband Were Involved In A Deadly Shoot Out At A Motel 6

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Lynne Russell, who was an anchor on CNN Headline News for 18 years, and her husband Chuck de Caro, who was a special assignments correspondent on CNN in the 80s, were staying at a Motel 6 in Albuquerque, New Mexico when their night turned into some shit out of a Michael Mann movie.

Lynne has a black belt and Chuck used to be a Green Beret, so you know they’re members of the Not The One Club. CNN says that on Tuesday night, Lynne and Check stopped at the Motel 6 during a road trip from DC to California. It was just before midnight when Lynne left their room and went to their car to get something. Lynne noticed a strange dude throwing her looks. As she walked back to her room, the strange dude followed her. When she got to her room, he forced himself in. Chuck was in the shower at the time and when he heard some foolery going on, he walked out naked and wet and found the dude holding a gun to his wife. The Albuquerque Journal says that Chuck and Lynne both tried to reason with the gunman. I’ll pause here as you paint the image of a naked and wet Chuck trying to calm down a robber with a loaded weapon.

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Open Post: Hosted By Demi Lovato Giving You Lot Lizard Glamour For Days

July 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Demi Lovato or her stylist (who was most likely the costumer on Avenging Angel) gets it! They know that you haven’t achieved that perfect summer chic look until you’ve put on an outfit that was once worn by an Atlantic City day-shift hooker in the middle of August. Demi Lovato is serving up “5 for a blow, 20 for a lay” vibes.

Demi wore this look of elegance to the launch of her national “‘Cool for the Summer’ Pool Party Tour” on the rooftop of the Gansevoort Park Avenue hotel in NYC. Yes, Demi wore this ho shit uniform to a pool party. You now know what to wear to every pool party you’re invited to this summer. You better start sifting through the bins and racks at Goodwill for a discarded 90s Fly Girl bra and denim diapers. You can make those hot boots yourself using construction netting and a can of black spray paint. And don’t forget to really bring the sophistication by working a melting spray tan like Demi!

Pics: Getty

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