Archives: July 2015

Tom Cruise Lip-Synched FOR HIS LIFE On “The Tonight Show”

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!

As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!

And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec BaldwinJeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson. 

Pics: Wenn.com

Donald Trump’s Lawyer Goes Crazy On Reporters For Writing About Ivana Trump’s “Rape” Allegation

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

The glamorous power of the choker and an exquisite ruffled bridesmaids cocktail dress. They look stunning even next to that soggy clump of doggy butt hair. But I digress….

During Donald Trump and Ivana Trump’s divorce fight in the 90s, she used the word “rape” to describe some violent and terrifying shit she went through one night in 1989. Ivana claimed that Trump went insane on her after getting a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot. (I think the doctors accidentally removed whatever was left of his brain too.) Ivana once used the same plastic surgeon that Trump used to get his bald spot removed, so he blamed her and freaked out on her. Trump pulled out fistfuls of hair from her scalp and forced her to have sex. Ivana said it was a “violent assault.” Ivana later said that she didn’t mean she was raped in the literal sense. She meant that she was emotionally violated. Author Harry Hurt III wrote about the assault in the Trump biography titled “The Lost Tycoon,” which came out in 1993.

The Daily Beast wanted to write about the allegation because of Jabba the Trump’s comments about how Mexico is importing rapists and drug dealers into the US. The Daily Beast talked to one of Trump’s lawyers, Michael Cohen, about it and the shit, piss, vomit and blood hit the fan. You know that saying? “He is his father’s son.” Well, Michael Cohan is his client’s lawyer. That doesn’t really make sense, but you know what I mean. Michael Cohen went full Donald Trump on The Daily Beast’s asses.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Suave Strawberry Shampoo!

That blurry picture of Suave strawberry shampoo is the closest picture I could find of the Suave strawberry shampoo bottle of the 80s. The Internet let me down, because it’s supposed to have a picture of EVERYTHING. I can probably pull up a close-up picture of any Kartrashian b-hole with just a few clicks, but I can’t find a picture of the Suave strawberry shampoo bottle of the 80s? For shame!

When I was 7 or 8, Suave strawberry shampoo was like heaven in a bottle. Back then, Suave was made by Helene Curtis, who is not a real person, by the way. I know, it broke my soul too finding that fucked-up shit out. Anyway, one of my friends had it in their bathroom and after sniffing it like my name was Charlie Sheen and that bottle was filled with coke, I begged my mom to buy me some whenever we went to the store. She said no a few times, but after the millionth time, she finally bought it for me. (Side note: The people who watched me beg my mom for strawberry shampoo knew I was gay before I did.)

Suave strawberry shampoo was my favorite thing for a while and by “a while” I mean 4 or 5 months, which is forever to an 8-year-old. I shampooed with it, I used it as body wash, I took baths with it and I’m sure I snorted a few lines of it, which explains why my brain is the way it is. Eventually, I moved on to another shampoo since chirrun are fickle as fuck and I haven’t since sniffed it in a while.

Suave strawberry-scented shampoo is still around and you can go out right now and buy it, but sadly, it comes in a fug ass bottle. I’m always afraid of buying it now, because it probably smells different and I don’t want to ruin the memory. Although, I bet it’ll taste delicious with rum, triple sec, gin and vodka.

Pic: Pinterest

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Birthday Sluts

July 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Elizabeth Berkley (43)
Cher Lloyd (22)
Spencer Boldman (23)
Soulja Boy (25)
Nolan Gerard Funk (29)
Dustin Milligan (30)
Zach Parise (31)
Afroman (41)
Nicole Narain (41)
Alexis Arquette (46)
Lori Loughlin (51)
Georgia Engel (67)
Sally Struthers (68)
Jim Davis (70)

Pic: United Artists

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Night Crumbs

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

While hosting a party at a club in Las Vegas on Saturday night, Mimi blinded her loyal subjects with the sparkles that shot off of the exquisitely opulent Claire’s pendant that decorated the space above her Tupperware titty bowls. No, it’s not from Claire’s. Mimi’s Australian billionaire boyfriend bought it for her and it cost $500,000. Can his next gift be a pair of fake eyelashes that don’t look like they were made from dust broom bristles? – Lainey Gossip 

Caitlyn Jenner’s got another grandchild – Reality Tea 

Something you needed to know: Ed Sheeran sharted on stage once – Celebitchy

Cara Delawhatever freak danced in a parking lot. She is living the life – Drunken Stepfather

Now THIS is my idea of a Thelma & Louise reboot: Phoebe Price and Frenchy from Rock of Love Bus got papped in a car – (NSFW because of Frenchy’s flashing nipple) WWTDD

The most surprising thing about this picture of George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Katy Perry is that Bill’s eyes aren’t firmly planted on her chichis – The Superficial 

Permanent yacht dweller Victoria Silvstedt is on a yacht – Egotastic

Brigitte Bardot has taken a break from being a racist to save 2 million feral cats from being sent to heaven – Jezebel

Nicole Scherzinger wore a snakeskin print dress over the weekend, just in case you were wondering what Nicole Scherzinger wore over the weekend – Popoholic

This Supergirl costume would look a whole lot better if Helen Fucking Slater was wearing it – Hollywood Tuna 

Madge’sRebel Heart” tour will have stripping nuns in it. Sounds about right – Towleroad

Bobbi Kristina Brown’s initial autopsy is complete and the Medical Examiner will not issue her official cause of death until all tests results come back in the next few weeks – Just Jared

A Charlie Hunnam double lives in the world, which means you have twice as many chances to fuck a dude who looks like Charlie Hunnam – Popsugar

Even though Canada didn’t want it, Kanye West’s Pan Am Games performance happened over the weekend and it went well. And by “went well” I mean he threw the mic and quit that bitch due to a technical glitch – HuffPo

Kanye West also shared his words of wisdom about Caitlyn Jenner’s transition in the first episode of I Am Cait. Wait, did he call Kendall Jenner a “supermodel” in that clip? Kanye is even more far gone than I thought!  – Pink Is The New Blog 

Hulk Hogan doesn’t have a black friend, but he does have black Twitter followers, which obviously means: not a racist! – Pajiba

Pic: Wenn.com

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Joe Jackson Had A Stroke And Three Heart Attacks

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Joe Jackson, one of the original child star pimps who makes Dina Lohan look like Marion Cunningham, nearly left the earth on Sunday after having a stroke in Brazil. The stroke left Joe temporarily blind and if that wasn’t enough, his heart stopped during surgery. Joe is in Brazil because a company called Nexxing threw him an 87th birthday party and invited him. Oh, Brazil, you’ve taken come to Brazil” way too far when you’re telling Joe Jackson to come to Brazil.

TMZ says that Detective La Toya Jackson’s dad woke up on Sunday with the dizzies and he couldn’t see. He was taken to the Albert Einstein Hospital in São Paulo where doctors ran tests on him. The doctors reportedly discovered that an artery behind his eye busted and that’s what caused him to have a stroke and lose his eyesight. While in the hospital, he had three heart attacks including one during surgery. But it’s going to take more than one stroke and three heart attacks to send Joe Jackson to the afterworld. Joe Jackson pulled out one of his signature switches and shooed the Grim Reaper away by waving his weapon of choice at it.

TMZ says that doctors put a pacemaker in Joe and so far, he’s on his way to a full recovery. Joe can see again and his speech wasn’t affected at all. He’s even “cracking jokes” in his hospital bed. 87-year-old Joe has had several strokes before and the most recent one was in 2012. So there you go, Joe Jackson still lives!

And here’s Joe and his “girlfriend,” who is giving me lot lizard Carmen Electra, visiting the CT Corinthians football club in São Paulo on Friday.

Pics: Splash

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Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Stunningly Gorgeous Hairstyle

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

When I first saw these pictures in thumbnail size on the photo agency’s website, I thought it was Chaz Dean, the hairstyling adonis from Flipping Out on Bravo. That is the ultimate compliment. Mistaking someone for Chaz Dean is like mistaking someone’s artwork for a Thomas Kinkade painting or mistaking someone’s song for a Stacey Q song or mistaking someone’s outfit as a vintage outfit from Contempo Casuals. There is no higher compliment.

Mickey Rourke left lunch in L.A. the other day and he looked like the Mona Lisa of the Excuse My Beauty Museum. Mickey looked like a beach hobo who majorly lost a fight against a bottle of Sun-In and a Flowbee, and that really IS the look. Mickey is seriously setting trends and I have a feeling that soon everybody will be wearing a pair of old lady sunglasses from Loehmann’s over electrocuted Fashionista Ken doll hair.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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A Bootleg Left Shark Made An Appearance During A Taylor Swift Show

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Of course Taylor Swift was not going to let that dancer-stealing trollop Katy Perry get the last incoherent word in.

Last week, Katy Perry tossed a chopped word salad (with a side of HUH? dressing) at Taylor Swift after Taylor Swift told Nicki Minaj that pitting women against each other is very unlike her. Katy Perry said in so many garbled words that Taylor was being a hypocrite since “Bad Blood” is about their ongoing feud. Well, Taylor later apologized to Nicki, but didn’t say anything about what Katy Perry tweeted. But why would Tay Tay respond with words when she can respond with an onstage stunt?

As Vulture points out, while Tay Tay was onstage yodeling out “Bad Blood” during a show in Foxborough, Massachusetts over the weekend, a Dollar Tree Left Shark made a quick 3-second appearance. Apparently, the dude in the Left Shark costume is one of her back-up dancers and during every show, he pops up while wearing a costume. He dressed up as a lobster the night before. But you know Taylor told him to wear that Left Shark costume, because that shifty little corn husk doll will never miss out on an opportunity to troll her arch rival!!

Since I’m a bitchy tween girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay blogger, I laughed for a second. But really, I can’t wait to see which one of them pours a bucket of pig’s blood on the other one at the big junior high school dance (aka the MTV VMAs).

Khlozilla Thinks That Her 17-Year-Old Sister Dating A Grown Man Is A “Special Case”

July 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a Predator working the prosthetic butt that Martin Lawrence wore in Big Momma’s House, Khloe Kartrashian is on the cover of Komplex Complex and in the interview, she brings the heave-summoning jacked-up foolery in heavy doses. Khloe defends Kylie Jenner’s relationship with PedoTyga and also tells us what it sounds like when Pimp Mama Kris fucks. If you really don’t feel like torturing your stomach and soul, skip the words that Khloe sharted up and watch this video of a bull dog trying to climb into a tiny folding chair instead. That bulldog works the “ass out, head over shoulder” pose a million times better than Khlozilla does.

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