“And now for an impression of my greedy handout-seeking ex-husband.”
Sherri Shepherd is now officially divorced from her questionably-employed gold digger husband of almost three years Lamar Sally. Unfortunately, she’ll still be reminded of him every month for the next 18 years. TMZ says that Sherri and Lamar have settled their custody battle over the surrogate baby Sherri tried to walk away from. Sherri has agreed to pay $4,100 a month in child support for Lamar Sally Jr. until he turns 13, at which point Sherri has to start forking over $4,600 a month. In total, Sherri is looking at saying sayonara to about $920,000. That sound you just heard was Lamar Sally Sr. yelling “Ka-ching!” while pretending to pull the handle on an invisible slot machine.
But Lamar may not want to celebrate just yet. TMZ says there’s a legal loophole Sherri will try to shimmy her way through in order to avoid paying him. Remember when Sherri claimed Lamar was a “fraud” who only wanted that surrogate baby for the child support cash? She can pursue that fraud claim, and if a judge decides that Lamar was being a fraud, she won’t owe him a damn dollar.
Of course, because we’re talking about Sherri Shepherd and Lamar Sally, the drama doesn’t end there. Sherri and Lamar put some embryos in storage when they were still together, and Lamar might try to get them unfrozen. Technically, Sherri wouldn’t have to pay child support for those babies. “Technically? I’m always up for a challenge” thought Lamar Sally, before he called up Nick Loeb and asked to borrow some signs.
Univision, NBC, Mop Head, Cristian de la Fuente, Miss Mexico, Roselyn Sanchez, Flo Rida and sanity have just gotten more company on the growing list of people, things and companies that want nothing to do with the yelling anal sac named Donald Trump. Macy’s announced today that it will no longer carry the Chinese made shirts and ties of the furry ass goiter who always goes on about how he’ll create more American jobs if he’s president. Macy’s cut ties with Trump after a petition asking them to drop him got 700,000 signatures. Donald Trump’s comments about how Mexican immigrants are rapey drug mules have fucked with Macy’s money, so they are done with him and are making it sound like their morals and beliefs had something to do with their decision. Macy’s released this statement:
“We are disappointed and distressed by recent remarks about immigrants from Mexico. We do not believe the disparaging characterizations portray an accurate picture of the many Mexicans, Mexican Americans and Latinos who have made so many valuable contributions to the success of our nation. In light of statements made by Donald Trump, which are inconsistent with Macy’s values, we have decided to discontinue our business relationship with Mr. Trump and will phase-out the Trump menswear collection, which has been sold at Macy’s since 2004.”
Because Donald Trump is that herpes outbreak that screams, “You’re not getting rid of me! I’m getting rid of YOU! I’m sick of being stuck to you, loser!” after you put some ointment on it, he’s doing what he did after NBC dropped him. He’s claiming on Instagram that he’s the one who broke up with Macy’s.
Donald Trump was so bothered by Macy’s selling stuff with his name on it from China that he let them sell that shit for over 10 years. That makes sense! I’m sure Donald Trump will take all that money he made from Macy’s and use it to create American jobs. The first job he creates should be a personal creative writer who will write statements for him that actually make sense.
The executives at Macy’s should go ahead and call their local hospital to let them know that they’re going to need to come in soon to have their lungs re-installed, because they’re definitely going to laugh them out when Donald Trump sues for them for $500 million like he did to Univision. Trump followed up on his promise to sue Univision by filing a lawsuit yesterday for $500 million. Trump says that Univision violated their contract and also violated his right to freedom of speech under the First Amendment. So yeah, Trump definitely doesn’t know how the First Amendment works. What a wonderful quality for a presidential candidate to have!
Kim Kardashian’s objectification lecture with the Commonwealth Club of California happened last night, and if you couldn’t tell from that Rolling Stone cover above, the jist of her lecture was that she doesn’t really have a problem with objectification. We’ll get to that lecture in a second, but let’s get this Rolling Stone business out of the way first. Two thoughts on that cover:
1) Kim looks like an honorary Kaptain of a rubber dinghy called the S. S. Seamen (the first mate of which would be chum bucket Terry Richardson, who shot Kim’s kover).
2) A round of applause goes to the editors who showed an enormous level of restraint by not reversing the order of the words so that it read “Inside Kim“. Or maybe they did, but the second the first copy came out of the printer, Kris Jenner appeared through a firey hole in the floor and demanded a cut of the profits from people who bought the magazine expecting to find porn.
On to the interview. Kim really has nothing to sell or promote, so Kim just talks about Kim. And her kreator Kanye West. She also talks about her Where’s Waldo of a brother, Rob Kardashian, and manages to read his ass while doing so. Awww, what a great big sister!
Yesterday, Kevin Smith was seen running down the street while squealing with glee as he jacked himself off and that could only mean one of two things: Old Navy announced that they’re having a major 4th of July sale on baggy jorts or the marriage between Ben Affleck and that bromance-wrecking cold witch Jennifer Garner finally ended. It was obviously because of the latter and now “sources” are coming out to say why Bennifer 2.0 is stamping the word “DIVORCED” on their marriage of 10 years.
Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.
An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.
No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?
Hi, I’m porn’s Troy McClure. You may remember me from such bestiality film’s as The Little Squirtmaid and For The Halibutt. – GuestStop
Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):
…I think we’re gonna need a bigger butt. – 38chrysler
Deadliest Crotch. – watagump1 .
The gigantic glitter-spewing peen in Norway’s chlamydia PSA!
According to The Telegraph, the STD rates in Norway are high and 23,000 people get chlamydia every year, because apparently when you Norwegians aren’t pickling fish, you’re getting your bareback fun on. (Side note: Pickling the fish sounds like a charming way of saying that you’re passing an STD to a poon.) The sex education charity RFSU wants to warn Norwegian teens and 20-somethings of chlamydia so they hired 19-year-old Philip van Eck to put on a dick costume and spray glitter on unsuspecting people. Those people now know how Liberace’s tricks felt when he gave them a facial.
RFSU says that they didn’t want to bore the youngins with a PSA filled with facts and statistics and shit. They wanted to make a fun campaign and there’s really nothing that is more fun than a big dick cumming glitter. Philip says that he was more than happy to put on a dick suit for the campaign titled “Penis Can Surprise You.” (I wish penis would surprise me more.)
“I thought it was hilarious. If I can help others, just by being a dick, there is nothing better.”
Even though I’m all for big dicks shooting out glitter jizz, I’m not sure how this PSA makes chlamydia seem like a bad thing. I mean, if one of the symptoms of chlamydia was glitter jizz, I’d be trying to bone human chlamydia strain Charlie Sheen right now.
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