In honor of Independence Day, topless titty crusader Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate America’s freedom by strapping her feet into a wakeboard and cruising around a lake with her bald eagle eggs bouncing in the wind. Oh, who am I kidding – it doesn’t really matter what day it is, she would have done that anyway. I’m sure she has the same plan for Arbor Day, Susan B. Anthony Day, and National Grilled Cheese Day. America’s fun drunk aunt threw up a video of herself engaging in some water sports earlier today to Instagram with the following caption:
“To celebrate Independence Day, I give you my piece de resistance. Land of the free, home of the me.“
Of course, it has since been yanked down by Instragam’s titty police. But that didn’t stop her from posting it to Twitter. “Keep fighting the good fight!” hollered fellow social media nipple freedom fighter Chrissy Teigen. I’ve hidden the video after the jump for obvious reasons (ie. tons of titty).
Last year around this time, Taylor “Don’t Call Me A Desperate Clinger” Swift (seen above quite literally desperately clinging to current boyfriend Calvin Harris) celebrated the Fourth of July with a small collection of her closest famous girl friends, because her management team was going for a sort-of “me & my gals” friendship vibe. But this year, it looks like her management team OK’d her request to make it all about her new boyfriend.
Yesterday, Calvin Harris Instagrammed the first picture from Tay Tay’s Independence Day Spectacular, and today we have the rest. Just like the last time Taylor threw a party with her famous girl crew, it’s a real “Oh say can you see…ME!” celebration. If pictures from Taylor Swift’s Gathering of the Butterscotch parties were a drinking game, we’d all be halfway to hammered right now. Take a shot if Taylor Swift and her friends post a picture of them jumping in the air. Take another shot if she’s making a mouth-open surprised face while she’s doing it. Chug your drink every time she looks like she’s auditioning for an Ann Taylor LOFT-sponsored remake of Gidget.
If you’re expecting to see Tay Tay digging in to a Cool Whip flag cake or taking a selfie with some sparklers, you’ve come to the wrong Fourth of July party. Tay Tay is rich, so her Fourth of July is nothing like a regular person’s Fourth of July. Instead, it’s more like what I imagine the 10th birthday party for Uncle Sam’s spoiled daughter would look like. Taylor filled her pool with giant inflatable swans and rented some sort of red, white, and blue floating super slide to match their red, white, and blue beach towels. Then she forced all her friends to put on American flag onesies and take cutesy slumber party pictures. Now that I think of it, that Cool Whip flag cake would have fit in perfectly.
Page Six says that everyone’s favorite unemployed freckled slacker Lindsay Lohan, a person seen defining the term “a check is a check” by hustling powdered milkshakes on Instagram, recently turned down a check from Burger King. Lindsay was offered the starring role in a commercial for Spicy Chicken Fries, a job which would require her to dress up like a giant chicken fries box and pretend to smoke a chicken fry like a cigarette. Apparently the Apricot Ashtray – who hasn’t technically had a job since Speed-The-Plow ended – thought that shit was degrading, and she and her management company tried to get BK to change the direction of the commercial. But BK wouldn’t budge, so Lohan gave the commercial a hard pass.
But a “source” close to the situation (Dina Lohan, who no doubt would love to get her hands on some of those delicious chicken fries) seems to think Lindsay shouldn’t be so damn picky about where her next check comes from.
“She’s broke, sleeping at different guys’ apartments, but she thinks she’s Elizabeth Taylor.”
Ashtray, PLEASE. Has she forgotten that some of the biggest jewels in the crown of Elizabeth Taylor’s career were her perfume commercials? If Lohan was truly committed to idolizing Elizabeth Taylor, she would have slipped on that chicken fry costume, pretended she was on the set of a big-budget studio picture, and delivered all her lines with the confidence of a woman who knows she’s about to cash a check and buy a gorgeous new pair of 8lb diamond earrings and a fresh set of nails.
If Burger King is still interested in Lindsay Lohan, they could always try to sweeten the deal by offering to let her dub the Arabic version of her commercial for an extra $200. I’m sure she’d love the practice.
Here’s Lindsay out shopping in London last week at a store that I mistakenly read as PLINKO.
Americana, the true symbol of America whose image should be made into a gigantic statue of cooper that sits on Liberty Island in NYC. (Sorry, Statue of Libery.)
In honor of the day that some of us fill our greedy mouth hole with gallon after gallon of imported beer until our liver declares independence from our body, today’s HSOTD is Americana, a wrestler from the hands-down greatest sports organization of all-time: GLOW (Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling)! Whenever I see shit about how China overtook the US as the world’s largest economy, I shake my head at this country and its decisions. That would’ve never happened if GLOW still existed today, because it would be bringing in at least ten trillion dollars. At least!
When GLOW started in 1986, Americana (played by Cindy Maranne) was an original member and she lasted 2 seasons. (GLOW itself only lasted 5 seasons.) She was the GLOW singles champion at one point. She quit GLOW and hung up her red, white and blue leotard, because she wanted to move back to L.A. to do the “real” acting thing. Cindy was in an 80s horror movie called Slash Dance so her dreams of making it in Hollywood obviously came true. She also married one of GLOW’s writers and together they had a kid I’m hoping they named Americana Jr. Americana is also in the documentary about GLOW and if you haven’t seen it already, you really should. Or just sign up for an American History class at any Ivy League university since I’m sure they cover the GLOW documentary in depth.
And now I leave you with this extra hot patriotic clip of Americana taking on Royal Hawaiian. This is about as American as blowing your nalgas skin off after lighting a firecracker in your ass during a Fourth of July BBQ.
Happy 4th, everyone!
Koko The Gorilla (44)
Alyssa Miller (26)
Melanie Fiona (32)
Isabeli Fontana (32)
The Situation (33)
Becki Newton (37)
Elie Saab (51)
David Cross (52)
Ute Lemper (52)
Neil Morrissey (53)
Andrew Zimmern (54)
Victoria Abril (56)
Geraldo Rivera (72)
Queen Sonja of Norway (78)
Gina Lollobrigida (88)
Neil Simon (88)
Eva Marie Saint (91)
BREAKING: For the first time in the long history of their relationship (six seconds or so), long piece of dried jicama Calvin Harris posted a picture of his girlfriend Taylor Swift on Instagram. Calvin posted a picture of Tay Tay working the grill (and I’m sure her chef took over right after this picture was taken). The picture is dark, but I think she’s throwing a side-eye that says, “Dump me and it’ll be your nuts on this grill.” – Lainey Gossip
FINALLY, a movie star says something interesting during an interview. Technically, Paul Rudd’s ass said it, but still – The Superficial
Conan O’Brien crashed a girls night out to see Magic Mike XXL and you know he left a little milky, ginger butt cream on that movie theater seat – Towleroad
Methinks something got lost in communication and the source was really talking about George Clooney’s many ANAL experiments – Celebitchy
Teen Mom Jenelle is way too busy to be a mom. Why? Is Kesha in town again? – Reality Tea
Red, white and bulge – The Berry
Miley Cyrus went topless for V Magazine. You know, I’m a little disappointed that she also didn’t fuck that albino pineapple for the camera – Hollywood Tuna
But the clown wore it better (I’m talking about the clown in the second picture) – Drunken Stepfather
Malia Obama may be an intern on Girls. Please don’t tell me Lena Dunham gave her the job of giving mints to the dude who has to butt munch one of the characters in a scene – Jezebel
Can we get Matt Lauer to interview Button the pissing sheep next? – SOW
Scott Isadick gave himself and Kourtney Kartrashstain their next fake storyline for their reality shit show – Just Jared
That big tattooed sack of muscles who used to be with Kelly Brook has a peen and this is what it looks like – (NSFW) OMG Blog
This is how most obits should read – Egotastic
The Alien Lizard King and the Cumberbitches’ enemy #1 made their first appearance since their baby was born – Popsugar
In every selfie of the permanently thirsty Hilaria Baldwin in her panties should be a baby screaming, “STOP!” – HuffPo
Before you fill your body with so many pounds of hot dogs and sweet nectar that you can’t physically raise a finger to hit a key, vote for the hottest Hot Slut of all the Hot Sluts of June. As always, three of the HSOTM finalists were chosen by you (based on Facebook likes) and the fourth is a wild card pick chosen by my ass. But this month, I would’ve chosen every single one of these Hot Sluts, because it really is a major Hot Slut battle when the fighters are a muscled-up ginger kangaroo, a human My Little Pony with eyebrows that could cut a whore, a legendary poet and the son of the most talented woman in the world! The HSOTM finalists are:
Roger, the buff, ginger bro kangaroo who looks like he will beat your face in while stealing your girlfriend.
Courtney Barnes, Sweet Brown’s successor as America’s most beloved star witness.
Maurice Turner, the ex-fiancé of Rachel Dolewhatever (Remember her? Yeah, me neither) who compared her vajayjay to the Milk Way in a gorgeous love song that touched me and left me numb.
Shel Rasten, the Fabio-haired hot piece who came out of the body of Charo!
Voting is below. The winning Hot Slut will be announced next Thursday. And yes, Shel Rasten was my pick, because it would go against everything I believe in to not include the child of Charo in this competition.
Open Post: Hosted By Shia LaBeouf Line Dancing To A Steve Earle Song In A Stay USA Hotel Parking Lot
And here I thought that the most ‘Murican thing that would touch my eyes this week would be the sight of a topless, Wild and Wonderful Whites-looking ass Shia LaDouche screaming “America!” while visiting Mount Rushmore. I was wrong. Shia managed to outdo himself. Shia, who recently busted his head, is currently shooting a movie in rural South Dakota and TMZ got a video of him and the movie’s crew doing the Copperhead Road line dance to the Steve Earle song of the same name in the parking lot of a Stay USA Hotel. Watching it made my nipples secrete Cheez Whiz. It’s that ‘Murican.
As I can tell from my liver shivering with fear, it’s the Fourth of July tomorrow and so I’m 100% sure that Shia is going to go all the way. Shia’s going to try to get a bald eagle to butt fuck him as he sucks off the end of a firework in the back of an American flag-painted El Camino driving up to a Dairy Queen. So we better hide all bald eagles and fireworks in a place Shia will never go. (Hint: Let’s hide them in a shower.)
Back in May, lips started whispering that the sister holding the Olsen twins’ spare set of kidneys, Elizabeth Olsen, and Tom Hiddleston were informally rubbing sticks and stones together after she called it quits with her fiancé Boyd Holbrook. Well, according to the The National Enquirer (via Hollywood Gossip), it was all just lies to distract you from the truth: that she’s actually doing fellow Avenger Chris Evans. And just like that, every Hiddlestan dropped their pitchforks and slowly backed away from Elizabeth Olsen’s house.
A source says that Scarlet Witch and Captain America have been getting their secret hump on during the filming of Captain America: Civil War in Atlanta, but want to keep it on the down-low because Chris Evans doesn’t want to be seen as a skirt-chasing pussy hound.
“Chris is paranoid about his womanizing becoming public while he’s on this multi-picture deal with Marvel. He’s protecting his image, and will bend over backwards to keep things quiet.”
I don’t know why Elizabeth and Chris had to concoct such an elaborate scheme to cover their fucking tracks and drag Tom Hiddleston into this mess. If anyone cornered Elizabeth at the craft services table and asked her if she’s banging Captain America, all she had to do is pull an Ariana Grande and claim he’s just a “friend with a penis.” Then again, this news is from the Enquirer, which means there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s a pile of lies. Maybe this lie is also a lie meant to distract us from the REAL truth: that Chris Evans is secretly banging Betty White. I knew it! Get it, Golden Girl.