Archives: July 2015

Ashton Kutcher And Mila Kunis Got Secret Married This Weekend

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an appearance on The Late Late Show with James Corden back in March, vinegar enthusiast Mila Kunis danced around a question about whether she had taken her vinegar fetish to the next level by getting married to Massengill’s next of kin Ashton Kutcher. Mila never technically answered yes or no, but she was blushing and playing coy and didn’t correct James Corden when he pointed to her ring finger and said “They are married, look“, so everyone took that as an implied yes.

Well, it turns out Jackie was just playing us so she and Kelso could get secret married in private over the weekend. Those sneaky liars! According to UsWeekly, Mila Kunis officially became the second Mrs. Ashton Kutcher this weekend at a place called The Secret Garden at Parrish Ranch in Oak Glen, CA. A secret wedding at The Secret Garden? We totally should have seen this one coming. I bet they made Baby Wyatt go incognito in some kind of random animal costume to keep it extra hush-hush.

Mila has said in the past that she’s always wanted to get secret married and didn’t plan to invite anyone to her wedding, so nobody really knows anything about what happened this weekend. Until I see pictures confirming otherwise, I will choose to believe Ashton wore a gorgeous pink chiffon gown and the wedding was officiated by Red Forman. “Do you, dumbass, take this dumbass to be your lawfully wedded dumbass?

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

The lady bald eagle whose cheers and fist pumps won the Woman’s World Cup for the US yesterday!

I’m sure that before the Woman’s World Cup final game between the US and Japan started yesterday, the American team went in dejected and defeated and knew they were probably going to lose. (I have no idea what I’m talking about, as usual, but just go with it.) But then they spotted a fan in a Party City bald eagle mask and an American flag pashmina fisting the air in the stands and they knew that they had to win the game for her and for America! Watching that lady bald eagle inject fifty fistfuls of American patriotism into that stadium gave Carli Lloyd the inspiration to make all those goals. Obviously. (Side note: Which team did Keira Knightley and Dr. Neela from ER play on?)

John Mellencamp must be a future-seer, because when he wrote the lyrics, “ain’t that America, something to see, baby,” he was definitely talking about the lady bald eagle cheering US to victory at the World Cup. THIS is America:

And Shia LaBeouf, the biggest ‘Murican who ever ‘Murica’d, definitely has the most patriotic boner right now.

(For Sara and Dana)

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Birthday Sluts

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

Eva Green (35)
Camilla Rosso (21)
Rebecca Rosso (21)
Kate Nash (28)
D. Woods (30)
Gregory Smith (32)
Tay Zonday (33)
Kevin Hart (36)
Tamera Mowry-Housley (37)
Tia Mowry-Hardrict (37)
50 Cent (40)
Inspectah Deck (45)
Brian Van Holt (46)
Heather Nova (48)
Robin Antin (54)
Jennifer Saunders (57)
Allyce Beasley (61)
Geoffrey Rush (64)
George W. Bush (69)
Sylvester Stallone (69)
Ned Beatty (78)
Dalai Lama (80)
Della Reese (84)
Nancy Reagan (94)

Pic: Dimension Films

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Open Post: Hosted By A Beard-Less Henry Cavill

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

All of us: That thirsty woman with invisible brows in the background is.

No, this isn’t a story about how Henry Cavill broke up with (insert the name of his latest piece, if he has one, since I cannot keep track). Henry got rid of his other beard. Superman was working a half-face full of 70s pussy bush, but he obviously took a machete to that overgrown beard. At the Groove Festival in Dublin, Ireland today, Henry’s Amish hipster beard was replaced by a field of stubble. That’s some “let me exfoliate my thighs on that” stubble. And either I ate so many hot dogs that I’ve got wiener on the brain or beefy Henry Cavill really does look like a kielbasa that is so plumped up that it’s about to split open. Don’t you just want to shove him between two buns?

Pics: Wenn.com

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Billy Joel Is Trying The Whole “Being Married” Thing Again

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

When Billy Joel’s friends and family showed up to his gigantic estate on Long Island yesterday, they thought they were there for a Fourth of July party, but they quickly realized that they were actually there for his fourth wedding. Nothing will punch the excitement out of you like finding out that you have to sit through a boring wedding before getting Fourth of July plastered.

People says that 33-year-old Alexis Roderick, who used to work for Morgan Stanley, became the third blonde inducted into The Billy Joel Wives Club when she married 66-year-old Billy Joel yesterday. The wedding was officiated by Sandra Lee’s piece Governor Andrew Cuomo. UsWeekly says that guests including his daughter Alexa Ray and the King of Queens, Kevin James, watched Billy Joel become somebody’s husband for the fourth time. Billy Joel was married to Elizabeth Weber for 9 years, ageless vampire Christie Brinkley for 9 years and Katie Lee for 6 years.

Billy Joel and Alexis started bumping fuck parts in 2009. Alexis currently has Billy Joel’s second child growing in her womb. Back in April, they announced that she’s knocked up.

Billy and Alexis released that picture above after they got married. That picture really is the perfect portrait of wedded bliss. I mean, Billy (who is giving me overcooked hot dog in that picture) looks like he’s thinking to himself “Oh god, what have I done AGAIN?” while she’s closing her eyes and envisioning herself leaping across a mountain of his money. Congrats to the happy couple!

And here’s some pictures of Billy and his new trophy bride throughout the years.

Pics: People, Splash, Wenn.com

“Whyyyyy Did You Make Me Wear This Hand-Me-Down In Public?”

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)

While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.

Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Carlene LeFevre, the Grand Dame of Competitive Eating!

The Coney  Island boardwalk is covered in more vomit and diarrhea than usual today and that’s because Nathan’s Annual Hot Dog Eating Contest (aka the “Dear Starving People Of The World, In America We Gorge Ourselves On Food For Sport” event) happened as it does every year on the Fourth of July. A huge upset went down. Joey Chestnut’s 8 year run as the reigning hot dog gobbler of the world came to an end when tiny, little human garbage disposal Matt Stonie ate more wieners and buns than John Travolta at David Miscavige’s birthday orgy in the Scientology bathhouse.

Joey Chestnut swallowed down 60 dogs in 10 minutes and Matt Stone outdid him with 62 dogs. I watched this wreck yesterday and Joey Chestnut looked like he was in pain. He had that “first time doing butt sex without lube” look about him. It looked like he was clenching his ass cheeks together because he was afraid his bowels were finally going to make a break for it out of his b-hole. Or maybe he was just sad that he got his ass beat. On the women’s side, the competitive eater of my heart Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas failed once again to take down returning ladies champion Miki Sudo. Sonya devoured 31 dogs to Miki’s 38. Also on the women’s side, 60-something-year-old beauty Carlene LeFevre placed 10th with 11 dogs. It was her fifth time competing.

Carlene LeFevre started stretching the limits of her stomach skin during major league eating competitions sometime in the 80s. Since then, she’s swallowed down everything from steaks to hamburgers to SPAM to ribs to cheese fries. She took a long break from the diarrhea-inducing game in 2005, but came back hard in 2014 when she won the ladies trophy in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Qualifier in Las Vegas (pictured above with the men’s winner Pablo Martinez). Carlene is currently ranked #25 in the world. Carlene’s husband Richard LaFevre is also a competitive eater and he’s ranked #16 in the world.

After reading Carlene’s way-too-short Wikipedia bio, I learned a few hot facts:

1. Her competitive eating nickname is “The Madam of Etiquette,” because she tries to keep it polite, ladylike and clean while shoving an entire Sizzler buffet into her eating hole.

2. She worked as an aerobics instructor, grade school teacher and a Mary Kay saleswoman. You probably already guessed the last one, because her delicately painted face gives that away.

3. She watches 8 hours of TV a day, but don’t call her the hermit queen of the couch, because she sometimes presses the pause button on the remote so she can exercise a little.

And here’s a clip from the MTV show Girl Code of Maxine’s nicer and hungrier younger sister showing some amateurs how to go wild on a wiener:

Carlene LeFevre: A lady in the streets and a freak at the competitive eating table.

And here’s a few pictures from yesterday’s Nathan Wiener Gobble Contest of competitors eating what Mama June eats as an amuse-bouche.

Pics: Vegas24Seven, Wenn.com

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Birthday Sluts

July 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Edie Falco (52)
Jason Dolley (24)
Sean O’Pry (26)
Pauly D (35)
Róisín Murphy (42)
Jenji Kohan (46)
RZA (46)
Hedi Slimane (47)
Michael Stuhlbarg (47)
Marc Cohn (56)
Huey Lewis (65)
Judge Joe Brown (68)
Paul Smith (69)
Robbie Robertson (72)
Shirley Knight (79)
Katherine Helmond (86)

Pic: NY Post

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Open Post: Hosted By A Topless Wakeboarding Chelsea Handler

July 4, 2015 / Posted by:

In honor of Independence Day, topless titty crusader Chelsea Handler decided to celebrate America’s freedom by strapping her feet into a wakeboard and cruising around a lake with her bald eagle eggs bouncing in the wind. Oh, who am I kidding – it doesn’t really matter what day it is, she would have done that anyway. I’m sure she has the same plan for Arbor Day, Susan B. Anthony Day, and National Grilled Cheese Day. America’s fun drunk aunt threw up a video of herself engaging in some water sports earlier today to Instagram with the following caption:

To celebrate Independence Day, I give you my piece de resistance. Land of the free, home of the me.

Of course, it has since been yanked down by Instragam’s titty police. But that didn’t stop her from posting it to Twitter. “Keep fighting the good fight!” hollered fellow social media nipple freedom fighter Chrissy Teigen. I’ve hidden the video after the jump for obvious reasons (ie. tons of titty).

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