Archives: July 2015

Now THIS Is Modeling: The Kristen Stewart Edition

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Models usually have the enthusiasm of you getting a pap smear on a Monday morning and the more bored and hungry they look, the better. Well, Kunty Karl’s current dead inside muse Kristen Stewart should teach a master class in “meh” modeling at Barbizon, because she really knows how it’s done.

The Chanel couture show started off with a BANG a fart a quick, silent queef this morning when KStew opened with the kind of walk you’d see from my hungover auntie while browsing the 4 t-shirts for $10 tent at the swap meet on a Sunday afternoon. Kunty Karl decided to do a casino theme this season and at the beginning of the show, famous and famous-ish types like KStew, Julianne Moore, Lily Collins, Lily Rose-Depp, Vanessa Paradis and Rita Ora strolled to a table to pretend gamble. Rita Whoever, the Lilies and even Vanessa needed to skip the runway and have a seat in the front row to take in the real modeling skills of Kristen Stewart.

While wearing one of Barbara Bush’ favorite funeral-going suits and working new wave guinea pig hair, KStew gave us a real performance in her short walk. Sometimes her walk said, “doo doo doo, just browsing for towels or whatever at Target,” and other times she looked like an extra sketchy drug dealer looking for her next transaction in the park. Get into Kristen Stewart’s normcore modeling swagger:

That fashion show opening walk probably knocked you to the floor and by that I mean you fell asleep and slid off your chair.

The Chanel show started off on a high (as in that bitch was high) note, but ended on a lower-than-low note. Kendull Jenner closed the show while wearing an ugly 80s bridal suit. Will somebody please tell Kunty Karl that we don’t care about the career-ending blackmail material that Pimp Mama Kris has on him. (Examples: A picture of him smiling while hugging a fat person , a picture of him wearing sweats and a Team Pippa t-shirt,etc…). Let PMK release whatever she has on Karl so he can stop using Kendull in his shows.

Pics: Wenn.com, INFPhoto

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Harry Shearer Won’t Be Leaving “The Simpsons” After All

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

Thank Jeebus! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mr. Burns or Otto or Stupid Sexy Flanders just yet. Two months after he declared he was done-diddly-un with The Simpsons, Entertainment Weekly says Harry Shearer has changed his mind and has agreed to return for the 27th season.

Harry Shearer originally decided to walk away from The Simpsons and a $14 million 2-year contract because he wanted the freedom to do other work and didn’t like his cut of the merchandising dollars, but something must have changed during negotiations. My guess was that FOX threatened to release the hounds or the robotic Richard Simmons, but it sounds like it came down to money. EW says that Harry Shearer has signed the exact same contract as everyone else, which means he’s locked in for the next four years and will make more than $300,000 per episode. Each season usually has about 22 episodes, which means Harry Shearer is looking at more than $26.4 million. I hope the first word out of his mouth when he looked at that number was a Mr. Burns-style “Excellent.

No word on whether or not he’ll see any merchandising money, but I’m sure he could always ask Fat Tony to shake down the folks at Butterfinger for a couple bucks if he really wants them.

A four year contract means a ton of money, but it also means everyone has to stick around if the writers hit the 600 episode mark and really start to run out of ideas. At least they can crawl into a giant pile of dollars in the event they sit down for a table read and see the words “The Simpsons Do…Something. Go to Mars? Buy a kangaroo? IDK” written on the top of the script.

Pic: Splash

Tyga Is Maybe Cheating On Kylie Jenner And Has Been Sending Out Dick Pics

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

For those of you who have ever read a story about Tyga and his not-yet-legal teenage girlfriend Kylie Jenner and thought to your disgusting self, “I really wish I knew what this guy’s dick looks like,” it’s your lucky day.

According to B. Scott, Kylie Jenner’s 25-year-old boyfriend has allegedly been offering up his dick to a 29-year-old transgender actress and model named Mia Isabella. At least he’s cheating on Kylie with someone who is legally old enough for him, right? According to a “source” (nice to meet you, Mia Isabella!), Tyga has been seeing Mia Isabella for 3 years now. The source alleges they got together shortly after Tyga called it quits with Blac Chyna, and they might have a sex tape together. The source claims they’ve made plans as recently as a few weeks ago to see each other.

Naturally, Tyga and Mia Isabella have a plan if anyone ever catches them together. They claim that she’s a “fashion stylist” and they have a business relationship. And I’m sure Kylie would believe him if he told her he’s spending all his extra time and money on a stylist since “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap” is practically the Kardashian family motto.

Okay, on to the subject of Tyga’s dick. The same source who squealed to B. Scott about Tyga’s alleged affair with Mia Isabella provided screen shots of text messages between the two as proof. Two of the screen shots are, you guessed it, pictures of Tyga’s dick. The NSFW pics are after the jump.

Paula Deen Thought It Was A Good Idea To Tweet A Picture Of Her Son In Brownface

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

When you’re trying to rebuild the butter kingdom that crumbled due to the racist dingles that spewed out of your deep fried pie hole, it’s probably not the best idea to tweet a picture of your son in brownface. But since Paula Deen’s brains are made of burned grease and rancid butter mold spores, she (or someone who handles her Twitter account) tweeted a throwback picture of her as Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo (looking more like a deranged Memaw Annie) and her son Bobby Deen as Ricky Ricardo. It was quickly snatched down, but not before people took screen shots of it and passed it around everywhere. Yahoo! Celebrity says that the picture is actually from an old episode of Paula’s now dead Food Network show.

For the record, the photo itself is not a new one: it’s actually from the 2011 Halloween episode of her Food Network show, Paula’s Best Dishes.

There’s a few things confusing about that picture:

1: What in the hell kind of GD Ricky Ricardo costume is that? Desi Arnaz was never that dark and he never had a Vanilla Ice circa 2015 hairline. Bobby Deen looks more like a suburban dad in a lazy Jersey Shore costume.

2. Why would Paula Deen bring this picture out again? Hasn’t Lucille Ball been through enough?

3. Did that picture ever make the cover of Oedipus Complex Weekly? I mean, a mother and son dressed up like husband and wife. That said, I bet they were the belles of the Motherboy ball.

via Page Six

Xander From Buffy Asked Dr. Drew For Help

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

I think everybody can relate to the koala on the left after reading that headline. That’s a real “I…don’t know if this is such a good idea” face.

Last month, Nicholas Brendon made a really good decision when he took a break from the Comic-Con hotel-trashing circuit and checked himself into rehab to battle his addiction and depression. Now it looks like he’s decided to counter-balance that good decision with a not-so-good one by asking Dr. Drew for help. Apparently recovery is getting expensive, and Xander is looking for some wallet-friendly options. Like the kind of options that come with an appearance fee. He’s also open to Dr. Phil if Dr. Drew isn’t available.

The only doctor missing from that list is Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. Or maybe he was included in the first draft of that tweet, but demanded Nicholas Brendon remove his name because he doesn’t want to be associated with that sleazy quack Dr. Phil.

Shortly after Nicholas asked Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil for help, he tweeted that he had found a dual-diagnosis facility and was heading back into recovery. Okay, I think it’s pretty obvious what happened here. Nicholas Brendon needed a new recovery center, but he didn’t have the cash, so he publicly reached out to noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil. Every addiction specialist in the country knows you’d have to be truly desperate for help to contact noted fame whores Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil, so they reached out to Nicholas and offered him their services. Very smart, Xander.

ICYMI: Justin Bieber Put His Nalgas On Display On Instagram

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

And apologies if you wanted to miss this.

Because I have wonderful timing, I’m following up a post about a child porn investigation with a picture of Justin Bieber flashing his Baby Alive ass cheeks on Instagram. The Biebs must have been sick and tired of watching Chelsea Handler and Chrissy Teigen get all the attention for putting their parts on display on Instagram, because last night he made all the crazed Beliebers scream, “I’ve got the maple syrup,” when he posted a picture of his bare Canadian pancakes on a yacht somewhere. That picture is a cross between a still out of a gay porn parody of Lost and a still out of a gay porn parody of Fantasy Island starring that tattooed twink as Tattoo. If that mountain had a mouth it would be laughing. Or maybe it’s a Belieber and if that’s the case, its nasty ass would be drooling.

Like with most things, I consulted my life adviser and spiritual guide Jackée Harry after seeing this picture last night. I checked her Twitter to see her thoughts about the Biebs’ hairless beaver ass. I immediately searched for a SideEyeFromMary.GIF to throw at her when I read this tweet from her: “@justinbieber looks FYNE, doesn’t he?! But wait.. #AgeCheck.” The thirst is a very real epidemic when Sandra is licking her lips over Justin Bieber’s ass.

If your eyeballs really need a serving of the Biebs’ butt, the un-Usher’d pic is after the cut. As always, the Biebs’ sassy Jesus calf tattoo says it all. I’m really disappointed that nobody pushed the Biebs into that ocean when they had the chance.

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Russell Wilson Wants You To Know He’s Not Having Sex With Ciara

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The last time Ciara boarded the boyfriend express, the train’s conductor – a rapper named Future – swung through Baby Town (population: one baby named Future Zahir Wilburn), followed by a brief stop in Cheaterville. It ended with Ciara saying sayonara to her baby daddy. Eventually Ciara decided to hitch a ride on the boyfriend express once again, but this time she doesn’t have to worry about any baby daddy drama, because the train has no plans of pulling into her station.

People says Ciara’s current boyfriend, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, spoke at San Diego’s Rock Church on Sunday about a bunch of things, including his relationship with Ciara. Russell Wilson, who is a hard-core Christian, confessed that Ciara’s goodies will be staying in the jar. And apparently it was his suggestion to keep them there.

“I said to her – and she completely agreed – ‘Can we love each other without that?’ If you can love somebody without that, then you can really love somebody.”

Obviously, Ciara agreed with him, because she’s still with him.

Russell Wilson is keeping his dick in a jar  for now, but that doesn’t mean he’s still got his V card. Russell was married to his high school sweetheart, but they called it quits in April 2014.

After Russell admitted that he and Ciara have put their genitals in a storage box and slipped them into the crawlspace under the stairs, he jokingly told the audience, “I ain’t going to lie to you all now. I need you all to pray for us.” Then his penis grabbed the microphone and added, “No, for real. We need prayers. Lots of prayers. And if there are any doctors out there with access to some kind of pill that will make me forget about the fact that I really really want to have sex, that would be greatly appreciated too.

Pic: Splash

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Subway Jared’s Home Got Raided In A Child Porn Investigation

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The entire marketing department at Subway is melting in their office chairs this morning, because their slogan “Eat Fresh” has a new NOT RIGHT meaning and has careened into dark places of NO.

FOX59 says that at around 6:30 this morning, the Zionsville, Indiana home of fatty turned $5 foot-long pusher Jared Fogle was raided by the feds in an ongoing child porn investigation. Reporters at Subway Jared’s house say that an evidence truck is parked in his driveway and both the Indiana State Police and FBI investigators are at the scene. It’s Pat’s creepy-looking nephew hasn’t been charged with anything and the feds are still searching his house. Back in college, Jared ran a black market porn lending service out of his dorm room, so the feds could be spending a whole lot of time with his hard drives.

The raid on the house that $5 foot longs built could be part of a long-term child porn investigation. In April, Russell Taylor, the former director of The Jared Fogle Foundation (an anti-obese kids charity started by Subway Jared), was put into handcuffs for possessing and producing child porn. Investigators found more than 500 dark-sided videos and pictures in his house. Russell Taylor was dropped by The Jared Fogle Foundation immediately after he was arrested. Russell Taylor tried to kill himself in jail and he was put on life support.

In possibly related news, reporters at the scene say that tricky bitch Ronald McDonald and shifty brat Wendy were seen tip-toeing out of the backdoor of Subway Jared’s house while giggling and high-fiving each other.

And well, if Subway drops Jared, I’m sure he can get a job in Mike Huckabee’s campaign or as Josh Duggar’s cook.

Pic: Subway

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 7, 2015 / Posted by:

The dude named Cock who is cleaning up the dick on the road in the Netherlands! 

This beautiful story about Cock and dick cums from RTV Utrecht and I had to check to make sure that “RTV Utrecht” isn’t Dutch for “The Onion,” because this shit is perfect. Tour De France started in the Netherlands this year and in the town of Oudewater, someone decided that the cyclists really needed some great, big giant peen to cheer them on and get their asses in gear. I guess my favorite artiste, Wanksy, decided to spread his gorgeous dick art to other countries.

For some strange reason, the town of Oudewater and the Tour De France officials didn’t appreciate the jizzing dicks in the street and wanted it cleaned up. The regular Peencasso apparently used water-resistant paint so they couldn’t just easily scrub the dicks away. But one resident of Oudewater named Cock Verkerk still tried to erase the peen from the streets and he got down and tried to rub them out. There’s only room for one Cock on the streets of Oudewater!

Here’s a piece from RTV Utrecht’s story which was translated from Dutch by your always-drunk cousin who spent a stoned summer in Amsterdam once (aka Google Translate):

Traditionally drawing cyclists encouraging slogans on the asphalt, but many penises are an eyesore. Similarly Cock Verkerk, native of Oudewater. He tried the penis in his street in vain to scrub away. “But I’m not hearing himself signed!”

The municipality promised that the fire department would come along to remove the penis. But they are difficult to remove because it is water resistant paint. The removal is not successful.

Before they clean it up, I need to use my miles to get my ass (and other parts) to Oudewater, because heaven is a place where peens decorate the roads and a dude named Cock lives.

Pic: @marlieswessels (For Ricardo)

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