Archives: April 2014

Justin Bieber Is Currently In A Time-Out At LAX (UPDATE)

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Canada’s most annoying spoiled brat, Justin Bieber, has been detained at LAX upon his return from his ‘Assholes in Asia‘ tour. UsWeekly says that shortly after his arrival in the U.S., everyone’s favourite thuggy baby shithead was removed from his BabyBjörn and placed in a playpen with other delinquent babies, while his bodyguards nervously wait outside, worrying that his diaper hasn’t been changed or they don’t have his favourite type of juice (baby likes apple mixed with orange).

The reason for his detainment is still unknown, but it doesn’t matter; all that matters is that the United States didn’t want to let his dumb ass back in. I bet the United States saw Justin Bieber rolling up to customs on his Scoot-Around, crossed its arms and yelled “NO WAY DUDE, AMERICA’S CLOSED”. Then America Fuck Yeah! started playing while bald eagles began soaring over LAX and shooting patriotic red, white, and blue fireworks from their beaks. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Meanwhile, Canada lowered the flag to half-mast in preparation for his return, started getting drunk to Blue Rodeo, and declared a national day of mourning.

UPDATE: Sorry America. Tell the eagles to stop celebrating, grab a couple beers from Canada and go get drunk, because Justin’s time-out is over and he’s been released from LAX. Take it away, Whitney

Pic: Instagram

Miley Cyrus Is Out Of The Hospital, Y’all!

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

The Center for Hillbilly Disease Control can breathe a sigh of relief and re-hire the hundreds of employees they were forced to lay off after business dropped to an all-time record low over a week ago, because according to E! News the pussy poppin’ possum has been released from the hospital and is back on the streets! “Where’s my anti-fungal cream?!?” – The Streets.

After being hospitalized for an allergic reaction to soap antibiotics and having to postpone several shows on her tour, one of TIME’s 100 Most Influential People (it hurt me to type that as much as it hurt you to read it) Miley Cyrus has finally been released from the hospital after receiving a clean a bill of health (well, as clean a bill of health as someone who’s growing mushrooms on their tongue is able to receive, anyway). A source close to Miley (her bong) tells E! that Miley is feeling much better, and that the European leg of her tour is still on.

While I’m sure Miley is thrilled to be out of the hospital (or as the Cyrus family calls it, “the vet which be for people”), I bet the hospital staff are more thrilled. I knew a nurse (listen to me, bragging that I know employed people) and she used to paint my nightmares with shit-and-piss-filled horror stories. And I knew they were true, because one time when I was a patient at a Florida hospital I pissed on the floor. Sure, it was Florida, so the nurse just shrugged her shoulders like ‘Meh, nothing I haven’t seen at Walmart’, but still. Imagine having Miley as a patient? Every time you’d enter the room, you’d find her rubbing her itchy hillbilly hole on a jar of tongue depressors or wearing the inflatable arm cuff from a blood pressure meter as underwear. And you couldn’t even threaten her with sedation, because her body would be like “Drugs? Did someone say drugs?! Hell yeah, let’s fuckin’ paaaaaarttaaayyyy!!!”

Pic: TIME

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Night Crumbs

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate and Prince William’s government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia is almost over. You know what else is going to be over soon? The entire fashion industry, because how are they going to survive without Duchess Kate wearing dresses that sell out in milliseconds! – Lainey Gossip

Kristen Stewart, who once said that RPattz loves to make out with her pits, suddenly got a major clit boner for Cara DelevawhateverDrunken Stepfather

Debra Messing lost 20 pounds by eating clean. So is “clean” a new non-FDA approved weight-loss drug from Thailand that I haven’t heard of? – Celebitchy

Panty Creamer of the Day: Stone Cold Steve Austin is really, really fucking passionate about gay marriage – Towleroad

“Sick, twisted, shakedown” sounds like some kind of kinky thing Bryan Singer makes twinks do while they’re blowing him – Jezebel

The only thing I see here is Pimp Mama Kris trying to make the Khloe of the Jenner twats happen – The Superficial

Droopy Dog Vicki from The Real Housewives of Orange County found a new piece – Reality Tea

Carmen Electra proves that sometimes plastic holds up over time – Hollywood Tuna

From this angle, Nina Agdal kind of looks like a buff twink with long, blond hair, and both Bryan Singer and Papa Joe would like to know more… – IDLYITW

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Taylor Swift wearing? – Popoholic

Kim Kartrashian wears earrings that say “North“, as a reminder to herself that she even has a kid – Popsugar

Lake Bell’s husband put a fetus inside her – ICYDK

Rick Ross has an advice column on Rolling Stone in case you wanted to know how you can make your titties sit down nice and low like his – OMG Blog

So I guess Aaron Carter is just going to go ahead and ignore that restraining order that Hilary Duff probably has against him – Just Jared

Poke at me with a bottle of lube when it’s Lose The Towel Thursday – The Berry

Doogie Howser is looking very Nicole Richie-esque – Boy Culture

When news people who don’t like to do research and Lupita Nyongo’s last name collide – SOW

If you’ve got nothing better to spend 8 minutes of your day on (like staring at the wall or ombre dying your pubes), here’s Katy Perry’s video for “Birthday” – HuffPo

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Open Post: Hosted By James Franco’s Paintings Of A Naked Ass Seth Rogen

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Actor, artiste, Instagram troll, poet, 24-hour douche and savior to the gay community James Franco started some shit with his fake gay boyfriend Seth Rogen called the Gay Sex Art Project and this morning on Instragram he threw up two works of art he painted for their project. While I’m sure that James has seen Seth naked, sprawled and trying to lick his own hairy bear nuts in person, Seth probably didn’t pose for these. On Conan a few years ago, Seth showed pictures that an artist drew of him for a book about bears.

Hmmm….I wonder where I’ve seen those poses before (SPOILER ALERT: I saw them five seconds ago when I uploaded the paintings that James Franco stole from that artist.)

So James Franco copied an artist’s work, did it worse and didn’t give credit. James Franco IS the douchier Shia LaDouche, which I didn’t think was possible since Shia LaDouche is the douchier Shia LaDouche.

The NSFW versions of James’ copy+paste art is after the jump and no, I’m not going to fap to them, but I might pinch my nips to them. 

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The Advice In Alicia Silverstone’s Parenting Book Is Exactly As Bonkers As You’d Think

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Even if you forced yourself to write down the craziest, most insane advice you could think of after chugging a dozen bottles of Pediasure in a windowless room while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” on repeat for 8 straight hours, you still wouldn’t reach the level of questionable at work in Alicia Silverstone’s new parenting manual The Kind Mama. Thankfully, you don’t have to, because The Daily Beast got their hands on a copy and compiled some of the best quotes about parenting from the woman who believes vaccinations are shots of “aluminum and formaldehyde”, Dr. Bird-feeder (not a real doctor):

On how drinking milk is basically like taking a garbage-filled shit in your uterus:
“Meat, dairy, and processed foods” should be avoided, she says, because they are “tracking toxic sludge through your baby house.” (“Baby house” = uterus).

On why Huggies is THE DEVIL:
Kind mamas can avoid funneling money into the “multibillion-dollar” disposable diaper industry, which is “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience.”

On why Tampax is THE DEVIL:
“Feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”

On why you’re THE DEVIL if you don’t let your baby sleep in your bed:
The alternative – forcing your helpless baby to sleep “in a barred-in box completely alone” – may well amount to child neglect.

On (brace yourselves, stupid is coming) vaccinations:
“There is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”

I’m a firm believer in ‘You do you’, so I have no feels or shits to give on whether or not Cher from Clueless lets her kid shit in the grass or sleeps in her bed or breastfeeds till he’s 12. What I do have a problem with is someone who’s credentials are “was in Aerosmith videos” writing a book about parenting, especially when their source material is basically email forwards from your misinformed paranoid aunt. Don’t get me wrong – I still think she should write whatever book she wants – I just also think said book should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really…we urge you to double check the legitimacy of every claim in this book.”

Layla Grant From “Nashville” Is Jem

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”

The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.

WHYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????

Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.

The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.

The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious? 

Terry Richardson Didn’t Tell A Model He’d Shoot Her For Vogue If She Boned His Gross Ass

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

In a shocking turn of events, the human definition of “trench coat flasher” Terry Richardson didn’t send a British model a Facebook message where he told her he’d shoot her for Vogue if she let him shoot his cottage cheese cum in her eye. Over the weekend, model Emma Appleton tweeted a screen crab (typo and it stays) of a Facebook message that she says came from Uncle Terry. At the time, Uncle Terry’s spokeswhore said that he never messaged that model and asked her if she wanted to fuck for a Vogue shoot, and American Vogue said that they aren’t working with his nasty ass anytime soon. But apparently, that message didn’t come from him.

Page Six’s sources (read: Uncle Terry threatening to cum in everyone’s eye at Page Six if they didn’t print this shit) said that Facebook discovered that the account the message was sent from was a fake Terry Richardson account. An online forensic expert named Theo Yedinsky said that the fake Facebook account was set up two weeks from a random Gmail account. A source “close to Terry” spit this out to P6:

“The whole thing is defamatory and possibly illegal. Appleton’s agent was informed about the fake account . . . but refused to acknowledge the truth and continued to grandstand.”

Emma told P6 that if the account is fake it needs to be deleted, but if it’s real then Terry is a “hideous human.”  I think that’s the nicest thing anybody has ever said about Terry. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone referring to him as “human” before.

Many of us squinted at that message like a stream of yellow jizz was shooting toward our left eye, because it was so out-of-character for Terry. Since when does Terry ask a model beforehand if he can jack off on her face? We thought we knew you, Uncle Terry. That’s probably why Uncle Terry went after that supposed hoaxer on FB. They’re totally ruining his reputation by making his sound kind of gentlemanly.

BREAKING NEWS: Kaley Cuoco Cut Her Hair

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Attention screenwriters: this is your next Captain Phillips. Get writing.

It looks like the attention she got from her fake haircut scored high enough on the Publicity-O-Meter, because Kaley Glencoco (who you may know as Penny from The Big Bang Theory, or “Who??” from everywhere else) has gone ahead and extended the 15 minutes of that first stunt by chopping off all her hair for real this time. I know, turn off the CNN; this is more important.

Kaley broke the news by posting several selfies to Instagram (everyone at Reuters must be on vacation). Us Weekly has a comprehensive overview of the event:

- The inspiration came from her fake haircut, which she quote – “fell in love with”
- Kaley had to wait for shooting to wrap on TBBT Tuesday night before she cut her hair Wednesday morning
- She was “extremely excited” for her new look

There you have it. That’s all we know for now, but hopefully more information will be released soon (I’m sure The Guardian will bring us frequent updates). And praise be Dorito jesus that she went with a bob and didn’t get bangs; I don’t think I have the self control needed not to make a corny ‘Big BANGS Theory’ joke.

Here’s the first round of hair cut pictures in what will no doubt be a series of 20 (or until Kaley cooks up something else for publicity, like resting her hand on her stomach). At first glance, I honestly thought her stylist was Leann Rimes, but then I remembered that no sane person would ever let Leann Rimes near a pair of scissors.

Pics: Instagram

Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” Video Isn’t Racist Because She Has Like Japanese Fans Or Whatever LOLOLOL

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

If you went to the mall yesterday and did everything you could to avoid the Sanrio store, because you knew that even a hint of Hello Kitty would make your eardrums jump out of your ear holes and cause you to have a panic attack that no amount of Xanax could cure, then you probably tortured yourself by watching Avri Lavigne’s cupcake turd of a video for “Hello Kitty.Any living thing with a sense of hearing and sight considered it an act of terrorism against humanity and some labeled it as racist. When Gwen Stefani was using Harajuku Girls as mute props, Margaret Cho called it a minstrel show.” Many on Twitter said pretty much the same thing about Avril’s video and Billboard had a few words to say about that mess:

Hello Kitty” is the weakest song on Avril Lavigne’s fifth studio album, a grating earworm that squeezes Gwen Stefani’s Japan fetishization into an even more unseemly package. But in a lot of ways, its music video, which wormed its way onto YouTube on Tuesday (Apr. 22) and then was quickly taken down, is even a bigger train-wreck than the track itself. Click here to watch the gloriously ghastly video on Lavigne’s web site.

The majority of the “Hello Kitty” music video finds the Canadian pop princess parading around with four identical, creepily expressionless Asian women behind her, performing mind-numbingly generic dance moves, in locales like a bedroom, a candy store and a street. When she’s not commanding her vaguely offensive troop, Lavigne is clumsily playing guitar, wearing glasses, eating sushi, waving at admirers, taking a single photograph, and… not much else, really.

Avril went on Twitter and totally shut up the haters with an intelligent and thought-provoking rebuttal. If Avril was on a 7th grade debate team and the argument was, “Is Avril Lavigne’s new video racist?“, she’d totally win for her team and win over the judges with an LOLOLOLOL.

I mean, Avril typed “Japanese” like a million times, so she’s totally not racist and stuff.

Some are saying that Avril’s video IS racist, others are saying that it’s just stupid (um, don’t the two go hand-in-hand?), but let’s not argue about that. Let’s just agree that the video is offensive to EVERYBODY and Avril needs to pay for her crimes by spending the rest of her life in a windowless, doorless cell far, far away from humanity. Too harsh? Okay, Chad Kroeger can be her cellmate. They can keep each other company.

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