Archives: April 2014

Night Crumbs

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Prepare to throw a RIP at the wig industry, because Nicki Minaj is done with wigs for now. Well, at least the wig industry still has RuPaul, Beyonce and John TravoltaCelebitchy

As Stacy Keibler sticks out her barely-there “Take that, Clooney” bump, George Clooney licks tequila off of his new piece’s chichis while totally forgetting that Stacy Keibler exists   – Lainey Gossip

The fist up Elmo’s ass is off the hook – The Superficial

Reason # 456,984,986,999,101 for why Betty White is the greatest human who lives – Towleroad

If you need some slutty gardening done, then Sara Malakul is the ho for you – Hollywood Tuna

One of the Teen Mom tricks wants to birth out another 15 minutes – Reality Tea

Sarah Hyland shows us one way to get cast in a Woody Allen movie - Drunken Stepfather

A giant load of DUH falling on your eyes: Tori and Dean’s cheating scandal is about as fake as her dented and melted Tupperware bowl titties – Jezebel

Do I want to know what that DJ in the shark teeth t-shirt is doing to Duchess Kate with his eyes? – Popsugar

Sofia Vergara’s torso looks like your grandma’s dinner table with two hams on it – Popoholic

“THIS IS THE BEST NEWS EVER BECAUSE WE REALLY NEEDED ANOTHER FUCKING MARILYN MONROE BIOPIC,” said not one bitch ever – IDLYITW

If Jennifer Aniston really is going bald, she can give Nicki Minaj’s leftover weaves and wigs a good home – ICYDK

Hot pieces in cum goggles – The Berry

That Keegan Allen trick seems a little too old for James Franco’s tastes, but I guess a hand is a hand – SOW

And I’d rather watch a serious biopic about the life of the Cadbury Creme EggPajiba

Eric Hill from The Bachelorette died in a paragliding accident – HuffPo

If you’ve ever said that Meg Ryan has a face for voiceovers, you should know that she listened to you – Just Jared

And here’s ASkars’ younger brother on HERO Magazine – OMG Blog

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Iggy Azalea Stopped Crowdsurfing Because Creepers Kept Trying To Finger Her

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Australian rapper Iggy Azalea’s (born name: Amethyst Amelia Kelly) crowdsurfing days are pretty much over, because almost every time she throwns herself into the audience, some gross motherfucker has to finger rape her. While talking to NYC’s Hot 97 about her new album, the subject of crowdsurfing was bought up and Iggy said she’s done with that mess because sick fucks can’t stop assaulting her. Iggy says that girls are the worst offenders and she has to wear four layers of fabric to protect her chocha from wandering fingers. She should just wear a tiny bear trap on her crotch that closes every time a finger touches it. That’ll solve it. Iggy said this:

“I know I had to stop. It’s funny, because we were talking about how on my tour I’m only doing 2000 seaters, but I still have to have barriers even if it’s like 200 people. Because people try to finger me. But I will get lurk tweets for like a week before my show like, ‘I’m about to go to the Iggy Azalea show and I’m gonna finger her and…’ I’ll see it and be like, ‘Please don’t, that’s a violation. I actually don’t like that stuff.’ Like they think I’m really slutty like, ‘Oh she’s got a song called Pussy I know what she wants. She wants these two fingers.’ Why would I want a stranger to ever finger me? I don’t want that. Buying my album for $12 doesn’t mean you get to finger me when I come to your city.

The crazy thing is girls will try to do it the most. Girls will try to do it more than guys. Girls think it’s cool like, ‘We’ve both got vaginas. It’s fine.’ It doesn’t make it okay. Now, no lie, I wear two pairs of underpants and then a pair of skin-colored tights and then my pants as a protection barrier.”

I’ve heard the whole “If you don’t want to get fingered, don’t crowdsurf!” argument, but shouldn’t Iggy be able to enjoy the joys of crowdsurfing (I’ll get back to on what those “joys” are because I can’t think of one) without worrying about someone giving her an unwanted pelvic exam? It’s not like they’re just touching her ass to hold her up. They’re going in. It would be different if before she jumped into the crowd she said, “Okay, whores, finger condoms on! I’m going to crowdsurf. Feel free to finger me, but you must buy me a top shelf drink afterward.” And I may or may not have said that while dancing on a box at a gay club in 2003.

Here’s Iggy Hot 97 interview and the crowdsurfing talk starts at the 0:40 mark.

Open Post: Hosted By Rumer Willis Keeping It Demure And Elegant

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When you’re only famous for ripping your famous mom’s body in two when the doctor pulled your Easter Island Statue head out of her and you’re about as talented as a pile of instant potato flakes, you have to do what you can to get attention and that includes flashing your potato eye at some event. At Elle’s 5th Annual Women in Music Concert Celebrate in Hollywood last night, Tater Head brought massive amounts of desperation (which strangely enough smells like burnt potato sprouts) and sophistication to the carpet when she showed up wearing an easy access skirt that a 90s pussy peddler on a budget would wear. That entire ensemble says, “$5 for a blow, $20 for a lay, $40 if you want me to fuck you in the butt with my hung chin.

Tater Head thinks she’s got this, but she doesn’t. Since Demi Moore is her daughter’s age (on the inside), she’ll steal this skirt and wear it out. When she does, she’ll show Tater Head how it’s really meant to be worn. It’s not meant to be worn with the cutouts on the side. It’s meant to be worn with the cutouts in the front and without panties. Tater Head tried.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

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Jodie Foster Got Married

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Raise a glass of whatever power lesbians are drinking noadways (Clamato and vodka?) to Jodie Foster who got married to her girlfriend of almost a year, photographer and actress Alexandra Hedison, over the weekend. I know I should keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine, but I can never keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine. Jodie had a 20 year-long relationship with her partner, righteous soul sister and co-mom to her two kids Cydney Bernard but that supposedly ended when she got caught with her mouth on the cookie jar of another woman named Cindy Mort. But now Jodie’s doing the holy matrimony coochie bump with Alexandra Hedison who dated Ellen DeGeneres for three years. Hollywood really is just one big swap party and since Alexandra went from Ellen to Jodie, Rosie O’Donnell is looking at that hot piece while licking her chops and thinking to herself, “All mine in two years.”

E! has all the thrilling details:

I can exclusively reveal that the Oscar winner and her photographer girlfriend of almost a year got married this past weekend.
A rep for Foster confirms the happy news.

As E! News first reported, the two started dating sometime last summer.

“It’s pretty serious,” a source told us in September. “They’re totally in love.”

Jodie and her new wife haven’t even been together for a year, but I don’t blame her for getting married so fast. I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on The L Word.

E! doesn’t have anymore details like what Jodie wore (a power suit, she wore a power suit) or who went to her wedding. But if her best friend forever Mel Gibson was there, I’m sure everybody got the warms in their hearts when he raised his glass and said, “Congrats to my favorite dyke!”

Pic: Getty

My Nightmares Thank You, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Between Katy Perry dressing up as a clown and Julia Louis-Dreyfus getting fucked by a clown in GQ, I’m going to need to schedule an appointment with my therapist ASAP, because I am all kinds of traumatized right now. Clowns are absolutely terrifying. There’s something about their fake, plastic-looking faces and pretend hair and fake noses and the ‘Look at me!’ attitude and the ill-fitting costumes and oh my god I’m describing Kim Kardashian, aren’t I? IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Dr. Whittmore, I think I’ve had a breakthrough!

But there is a reason why Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting humped on by Krusty. It was part of a series of 4 shots for GQ that includes her macking on a clown at a clown party, going to downtown-clown-pound town (I’m guessing by the look on her face he wasn’t hung like a slide whistle) waking up the next morning wearing a pair of clown shoes and a look that says “Thanks for making a balloon animal out of my vagina“, then skipping ahead 9 clown-months into the future where she’s holding a tiny clown baby. Speaking of, did they give that clown baby Pennywise eyes on purpose?? Thanks GQ, you can pay for my dry cleaning, because that clown baby’s evil stare made me shit my pants.

Here’s more of Julia fucking on her clown friend in GQ. And if you’re also afraid of clowns, I dare you to look at these pictures while listening to creepy calliope music (but not before you put your therapist on speed dial, because there’s like a 90% chance you’ll need them immediately after to talk you down from the inevitable panic attack):

Pics: GQ

Katy Perry Makes Children Cry

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, executives at Katy Perry’s label tore up her contract while screaming, “Well, what do we have then?!”, after she told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s sick of doing sexy videos where her tits are hanging out. Katy told late-night STUNT QUEEN Jimmy Kimmel that his “biggest twerk fail ever” stunt inspired her to prank real children’s birthday parties for the video for her new single “Birthday.” Katy went undercover as 5 of the worst birthday entertainers and one of them was a trashy, drunk, thug clown (no, not Justin Bieber) who ruined a kid’s birthday party. That sounds like a fitting and a totally sensical video concept for a song that’s basically about how Katy Perry’s going to let her birthday boyfriend titty fuck her before he eats cake frosting off of her twat. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big balloons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons

Boy, when you’re with me
I’ll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate

Anyway, Katy played Kimmel a clip where she traumatizes the children by failing to hit the pinata before stumbling into the street where she “causes” a car accident. Katy’s whole act was staged, but TMZ says that none of the children or parents were in on it. TMZ posted a longer clip and they say that scars grew on those children’s innocence as they cried and asked to go home.

Since my heart is a pile of dried-up vulture shit, I smile whenever I see kids crying over clowns, but those kids are total drama queens. So a drunk in a jacked-up outfit took over the pinata stick and ruined the party? Big deal. That happened at all of my birthday parties growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse and Katy could’ve really given those chirrun a reason to cry. I mean, she could’ve performed that “Birthday” song live for them.

Pics: Splash

Cameron Diaz Would Like You To Know That She Hasn’t Used Antiperspirant In 20 Years

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.

I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).

“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”

Well, I guess that explains this (and this, and this). But what about guys? Without antiperspirant, won’t they start to smell like low-tide on Garbage Island?

“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”

I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.

Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).

Pics: Wenn, Splash

MARK THIS DAY: People Magazine Actually Chooses A Worthy “Most Beautiful Person”

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):

“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”

People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.

And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.

Justin Bieber Apologizes After Posing For Pictures At A Japanese War Shrine

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Diminutive shithead Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Japan like the Muppet Babies version of Godzilla that he is, and because his fuck ups aren’t limited to North America, he’s already fucked up hard overseas (it’s probably for his next concert film - Justin Bieber: Fucking Up All Over The World). The NY Daily News says that on Tuesday, Justin posted two photos of himself to Instagram posing at Japan’s Yasukuni war shrine. The shrine honors 2.5 million war dead, which includes 14 convicted war criminals (eeesh) and much of China and South Korea view Yasukuni as a symbol of Japan’s past militarism and see visits to it as a lack of understanding or remorse. But why was Justin there? Oh, just because he saw it from his car window and decided it looked like a good place to pray (“Dear God, please let me get more drop-crotch pants, Amen”).

After numerous Chinese and South Korean fans channeled their inner Jon Hamm and told him he was a dumb shit for posing for a swaggy baby photo shoot in front of a building he knew nothing about, Justin quickly deleted the pictures and released this apology to Instagram:

While in Japan I asked my driver to pull over for which I saw a beautiful shrine. I was mislead to think the Shrines were only a place of prayer. To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan

“I was mislead”. Bitch, you need to take responsibility! Japan didn’t mislead you; it didn’t see your car driving down the street and throw a sign out on the front lawn that said “HARMLESS PRAYER BUILDING LOL”. It’s called asking questions, dummy; next time, make sure to ask whether or not the building you want to take pouty toddler selfies in front might be, oh, I don’t know, a shine to war criminals. But even then, Justin is so much of a dummy (I bet he doesn’t even know how a washing machine works) that he’d probably be like “What’s a war crinamal?” and start pretty-boy duck-facing all over the shrine.

Pics: NY Daly News

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