“Hello, Mr.Hamm? Yes, I think it’ll fit, but it’ll be tight.” – OurMissC
Mr. Travolta, we’re ready for you on set now! Mr. Travolta? Hello o, o, o, o,? Mr. Travolta olta, olta, olta, olta? - ZombieWaylandFlowers
I’ve never seen and hissed at this dark-sided, evil mutation of one of Lindsay Lohan’s coke boogers until Dlisted reader Amanda sent it to me a few days ago. If I did see it as a kid in the 80s, then I immediately shoved it down the trash compactor in my brain (“But isn’t your entire brain a trash compactor” – you “Have you been reading my medical files?” – me) and protected my soul by forgetting about it. Freddy Freaker was the demon star of a 1-900 number commercial in the 80s and no, I don’t know what happened when you called that number. But if you hear of a 30-something zombie-like human with dead eyes who has a panic attack every time they see a yellow bell pepper, then just assume that when they were a kid they called that 900 number and had their soul and spirit sucked out of their ear by Freddy Freaker.
Freddy Freaker looks like some kind of clumpy piss creature that was created when Ray-J pissed on Kim’s skin of Lucifer ass cheeks. Freddy Freaker looks like what you’d see if you put up a microscope to Gary Busy’s coagulated jizz. Behold, nightmares:
Happy Good Friday, everyone!
Conan O’Brien (51)
Alia Shawkat (25)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (27)
America Ferrera (30)
Kourtney Kardashian (35)
Melissa Joan Hart (38)
Eli Roth (42)
David Tennant (43)
Maria Bello (47)
Eric McCormack (51)
Jeff Dunham (52)
Jane Leeves (52)
Eric Roberts (58)
Rick Moranis (61)
Dorothy Lyman (66)
James Woods (67)
Hayley Mills (68)
Of Mice And Men starring STUNT QUEEN and douche of all trades James Franco opened on Broadway last night and this morning, in the same Instagram breath, he posted a link to the thumbs up review from Variety and then slapped at theater critic Ben Brantley of The New York Times for panning the show. The scattered hairs on James’ b-hole nearly burned off when he channeled the asshole spirits of Kanye West and Alec Baldwin to punch out this little love note to Ben Brantley (which he later deleted). via @rilaws (via Vulture)
How rude and mean! If I was Ben Brantley, I would be highly offended. I mean, a “little bitch“? Who wants to be a “little bitch.” Everyone should strive to be a mega bitch at least. Ben Brantley needs to step up his bitchiness so no asshole ever calls him a “little bitch” again.
Ben’s review of James’ performance wasn’t even that bad. It’s not like he said that James is as bad at theater acting as he is at trying to pick up barely legal ass on Instagram. Early in the review, Ben said James has a “brooding beautiful” face and you’d think that’d make his ego cum, but he was stuck on this instead:
Though he sports a Yosemite Sam accent, Mr. Franco is often understated to the point of near invisibility. It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up. And only in the play’s second scene — in a bunkhouse, where Lennie retells George about the dream farm they’ll someday own together — did I sense a warming current of affection between the characters.
“It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up….” When James Franco does gay porn, which he will in the name of HIGH ART, a porn reviewer will say the exact same thing about his asshole.
The best part of Ben’s review is this:
Though Mr. Franco musters a single, perfect tear for the play’s tragic climax, I only came close to shedding one. That was in the first act, when a dog (a real one) is led offstage to be shot because it stinks. That dog seemed to have true fear and bewilderment in its eyes. It felt, well, human, in a way none of the people did, and my heart sank when I knew it wouldn’t be coming back.
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! The dog got a better review than James Franco. I almost want to fly to NYC just to see this, because I’m sure I would get high off of the smoke coming out of James’ ears when during curtain call, the crowd stands up and throws bouquets of milk bones at the dog.
Here’s James Franco, Chris O’Dowd and Blair Waldorf at the Of Mice And Men after-party and they really kept themselves together as the photographers screamed, “But where’s THE DOG?!”
The last time we checked in with The Fanged One, she was explaining that in order to avoid an all-expenses paid trip to Divorce Court, a woman needs to put on her frilliest pink party dress and find a guy who moonlights at Medieval Times as a knight or something (that’s pretty much all my brain was able to process from that interview before throwing up its hands and saying “Fuck this, I’m out”). And now Kirsten Dunst is back with more KD Brain Farts, this time regarding casting couches, and particularly how if you end up on one, it’s because you were probably a slut to begin with. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be using this gif of Donna Meagle very soon?
In an interview with Sofia Coppola for W Magazine, Kirsten was asked if she ever felt pressured by creepy directors to suck or fuck her way to a better role, a sleazy practice that is almost as common in Hollywood as nose jobs and Tom Cruise wife auditions.
“No [laughs]. I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.”
So, let me get this straight – basically she’s saying is that if you find yourself in a casting couch situation, it’s because you were asking for it? Oh, I’ll take that Donna Meagle gif right about now. This one too. Look, I don’t want to lobby accusations of being not-smart at people I don’t know personally (“Bitch please” – my brain), but Kirsten is veering off the road of not-smart into the oncoming traffic of fucking stupid. You don’t have to put out a “vibe” to get asked to take a seat on the casting couch. Hell, Gwyneth Paltrow received an invitation to the casting couch, and the only “vibe” she puts out is an uncomfortable icy chill. And is she trying to suggest that she books jobs based on talent? Oh, please have several seats.
Here’s more of Kirsten in W, and maybe she doesn’t give off “that vibe”, but thanks to photographer Juergen Teller, she’s giving off some do-not-want Crime Scene Barbie vibes in that first photo.
Conscious Uncoupling, Number Two: Goopy Paltrow and Seb Bishop, the CEO of GOOP, have broken up, because she’s moving GOOP headquarters to L.A. and he was supposed to move with his wife and kids, but changed his mind at the last minute. Eh, just a classic case of a dude realizing that sipping kumquat and mangosteen tonics with annoying Goopy at a Brentwood juicerié every day is a slow, painful journey that leads to jumping off of a bridge - Lainey Gossip
The Orange is the New Black season 2 trailer needs more Pennsyltucky – Towleroad
The Olsen that doesn’t live in a tree stump and doesn’t feed off of the fear of children is in Flaunt Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Duchess Kate’s dress looks like these curtains my friend bought from CB2. FYI: It’s already sold out (the dress, not the CB2 curtains) – Celebitchy
That quick jerk you felt was the world continuing to spin again after Kate Upton declared that she loves her big tits – The Superficial
Kenya Moore is out-cunting Omarosa on Celebrity Apprentice – Reality Tea
This is what the nuns wear at Mel Gibson’s private Catholic church – Hollywood Tuna
Get out the cigars (in flavor: Lewinsky snatch), Bill Clinton’s gonna be a pepaw! – Buzzfeed
The supercut of The Real Housewives crying through the Botox is like watching balls of wax melt under a heat lamp…. – Jezebel
“I want to look like the last place loser of a Charlie’s Angels costume contest” said Hilary Duff before choosing this ensemble – Popoholic
Miley Cyrus canceled more shows, might not perform anytime soon and is still laid up in the hospital. In possibly related news, the number of new reported cases of herpes of the ears is at an all-time low – ICYDK
I was gonna say here’s some pictures you can print out and use as dart practice, but then again I don’t find it necessary to waste all that ink on this trash – The Berry
Eric Christian Olsen’s nalgas: here they are – OMG Blog
Seth Rogen perfectly and simply handles raging, weed-hating banshee Nancy Grace – Pajiba
Aw, nothing warms the no-heart like Xtina’s sugar baby putting his hand on his meal ticket – HuffPo
The X-Men: Days Of Future Past has another trailer – IDLYITW
Rosie O’Donnell lost 50 pounds of chunk and gained a wonk eye – Just Jared
Rest in peace, Gabriel García Márquez - Popsugar
The good news is that L.A.-based rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson), who cut off his dick before jumping off of a second story balcony, has been downgraded from critical condition to stable condition. The bad news is that doctors weren’t able to sew his peen back on John Wayne Bobbitt-style and his peen has been laid to rest in a peen coffin.
TMZ (of course) somehow found out that doctors at Cedars-Sinai were unable to re-attach Andre Johnson’s peen. Meanwhile, Wu-Tang Clan had to kick a dude while he’s down, out and mourning his peen. Yesterday, they threw up a note on Instagram and their blog (via The Village Voice) denying that Christ Bearer has ever been part of the Wu-Tang brand.
Parental Advisory : Don’t Believe The HYPE. This Mother Fucker Ain’t Got Shit to do with WUTANG ..~Mr .TANG Www.WuTangclan.com
Someone has since erased that note from Wu-Tang’s Instagram and their blog. Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar and they were discovered by RZA and he’s worked with the West Coast Killa Beez, so he IS affiliated with Wu-Tang. Who knows why they’ve cut him off and are pulling a Mimi by saying, “I don’t know him.”
And back to the peen coffin. I Googled “penis coffin” and this came up. Now I know what I want to be buried in.
Another day, another trick in Hollywood getting surgery scar-hiding hair curtains….
Tommy Girl thought he was the hottest Hollywood bitch in new bangs until Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up to the opening night of the off-Broadway play The Library with her on-and-off-again piece Michael Douglas and her own new set of bangs. It hurts the nerves in my fingers to type this, but Tommy Girl works the bang look better and hopefully CZJ can clip those off once the lift scars finally heal. Because those bangs make her look even more like the original prototype for the JWoww plastic mannequin. Even Michael Douglas looks like he’s trying to pretend those bangs aren’t there.
Oh, so sad. What will I do with this case of Xenu Estates sparkling barley water now? Maybe I’ll just save it for the next round on contract negotiations? That will be, what, a couple months? 6 months tops? I’m sure it doesn’t go bad.
It wasn’t that long ago that we heard the rumblings from deep within the basement of the Scientology Celebrity Centre that John Travolta and his glam squad might soon have another bride to primp n’ pretty for his best pal Tom Cruise, but it sounds like he won’t get to try out that new tube of VacantEyes mascara just yet. Despite reports that Tom Cruise has been wining and dining (and definitely not 69-ing) fellow Scientology card member Laura Prepon, UsWeekly says that multiple sources have told them that the two are just friends and nothing romantic is happening. Nothing romantic is happening between Tom Cruise and a girl? Thanks Captain Obvious!
Laura Prepon would have been perfect, because she’s tall as fuck and looks super strong, and you need to be strong if you’re going to be Tom Cruise’s next My Size Barbie. Besides checking your brain at the door, one of the most important aspects of your relationship with Tom Cruise is that you’re strong enough to carry him home after his little legs get tuckered out after a long day of rough-housing with the boys at Xenu’s Clubhouse (aka the blanket fort in David Miscavige’s office).
Last month, FOX announced that they had rebooted Joe Millionaire, sort of, and replaced a neanderthal construction worker pretending to be a millionaire with a Prince Hot Ginge look-alike who looks more like a Flat Stanley look-alike. FOX found 12 not-knowing dumbasses and stuck them on a fancy estate in England to compete for a chance to marry into the British royal family. FOX probably broke the budget on this one, because it cost a lot of cash to hire bathroom lifeguards and paramedics to save these dumb fucks from almost drowning in the shower.
FOX released the first trailer for I Wanna Marry “Harry“ today and I figured that they’d show at least one trick who realized this was all a hoax and went with it, because she likes free drinks and camera time. Blame it on editing, but this trailer makes it look like they all believed they were there to win a chance to jump on PHG’s ginger scepter. I’m surprised that every other word out of these girls’ mouths isn’t “chickabee,” because if they can’t tell that’s a PHG look-alike, they obviously spent most of their lives eating wet leaves in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
I know piss-brained fame whores are everywhere (MTV wouldn’t exist today without them), but these have to be actresses and the joke has to be on us. But then again if you boozed me up and screamed, “There’s Prince Hot Ginge,” while pointing at a red fern in a terra cotta pot, that red fern in a terra cotta pot would magically disappear three seconds later. I’d never tell you where it went, but the sight of me with no pants on and the red fern leaves blowing out of my ass when I farted would give you a clue. Where the red fern blows.
via E! Online