Kim Novak and Kim Novak’s new face became a trending topic on Twitter on Oscar night when she came out with The Texas T-Rex to present an award and looked a whole lot different in the face and acted a little loopy (but not as loopy as The Texas T-Rex). The barbecued horse shit in a wig made of dog pubes that is Donald Trump tweeted that Kim should sue her plastic surgeon and others made the same jokes. In an open letter she released to Yahoo! Movies, Kim says that she read what Donald Trump tweeted and knew about the other jokes. Kim says that she didn’t leave her house for days because of it and admitted that yeah, she injected some fat straight up into her mug.
“It really did throw me into a tailspin and it hit me hard. I will no longer hold myself back from speaking out against bullies. We can’t let people get away with affecting our lives. For days, I didn’t leave the house, and it got to me like it gets kids and teenagers. I’m not going to deny that I had fat injections in my face. They seemed far less invasive than a face lift. In my opinion, a person has a right to look as good as they can, and I feel better when I look better.”
Kim says that she might’ve seemed drunk, because she took a pill (probably Xanax) to relax her nerves and had just come off a three-day fast.
I said this the day after the Oscars, but Kim Novak is 81 years old and was in Falcon Crest, so she can do no wrong including shooting her face up with some stuff that gives her that level 2 Wildenstein look. I’m also with Kim for needing to take a Xanax, because we’d all have to take a Xanax if we were in the same with John Travolta’s wig. But my eyes did stop at “three-day fast.” If I make it to 81, I won’t have time to fast, because I’ll be too busy shoveling delicious things into my mouth while I still can. If my doctor told me I had to fast for medical reasons, I’d ask him if there’s a way we can get around that, because I’ve only got a certain amount of time on this planet and there’s a whole lot of flavors of cakes out there.
“WATCH IT U PEASANT-BLOODED SIMPLETON BITCH!” is probably a text that Duchess Kate got from THE QUEEN this morning after she joked about Prince William’s bald head during their visit to the Sydney Royal Easter Show as part of their government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia.
The other day when Duchess Kate wore a bright ass yellow dress, Prince William joked that it made her look like a giant banana. Approximately an hour later, costume stores all over the world reported that banana suits were sold out, because thousands of women want to dress like a Breck Girl who got famous for marrying a dude who got famous for being born. Today at the Sydney Royal Easter show, it was Duchess Kate’s turn to yank at Prince William’s dick in front of everyone. While looking at alpaca wool, Duchess Kate joked that Prince William should get a hairpiece made out of that shit. via People:
“The prince was interested in the alpaca, and as I showed it to them, the princess said he should put it on his head,” show exhibitor Lyn Crejan said. “She said, ‘You need it more than me’ and pointed to his head, and he laughed.”
I used my advanced Photoshop skills to copy and paste a plop of alpaca wool on Prince Willy’s head and I have to agree with Duchess Kate. Without the wool merkin, his head looks like a fuzzy goiter. But with the wool merkin, he looks like a potato in costume as Harpo Marx. Truly the look. Even that ram is into it. If that picture moved, you’d see that ram’s crotch sack tingling and shivering over Prince William’s sexiness.
There was also a pumpkin decorating contest at the Easter Show and of course, this one won:
Just. NO. Throw a match at it! Who ever is responsible for that terrifying pumpkin should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, because there’s obviously something wrong with them. By the way, an hour after that picture made the media rounds, farmers and grocery stores reported that they were all sold out of pumpkins. But you probably already figured that.
And here’s Duchess Kate and Prince William a little later on in the day at Manly Beach, which should be renamed False Advertising Beach, because where’s the manly mens?
Whenever someone starts talking about the future, I immediately start picturing the world of The Jetsons and riding around in bubble cars and eating food-flavoured pills, because I know that the actual future is probably going to be a huge bummer. Best case scenario, we get the world of dum-dums and super-Costcos from Idiocracy, but worst case scenario, the future is a terrifying dystopic hell hole that combines Hunger Games-style murder competitions with the awful haircuts from Logan’s Run.
But one part of the mystery of the future has already been figured out by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp. During an interview with MTV News , Johnny removed his 20+ fauxhemian necklaces and replaced them with a Bill Nye bow tie to explain that the technology in his film Transcendence (i.e. that his mind is uploaded into a computer) IS REAL:
“When you look at it’s kind of a sci-fi thing. But when you dig a little bit deeper, and you realize that the technology that we use in the film… is very close to being a reality and will for sure be a reality in the next 30 years, is presented for the first time ever. It is a foretelling of what is to come.”
Please, Neil deGrasse Depp, tell me more about your theories of memory transfer, specifically which ones make it out of my brain. Because I have an awful lot of regretful shit that should probably stay between me and my frontal lobe (like the time I made cookie dough pudding, or the second time I made cookie dough pudding).
Since the active thoughts in my brain fall into one of two categories (the episode on candy canes from How It’s Made, and pictures of wizard cats) I doubt anyone would have the slightest interest in uploading my boring mind to a computer. Besides, we’re already able to see everybody’s mundane thoughts – it’s called Instagram. Oh shit, the spooky future technology Johnny Depp speaks of already exists! He was right! Run! Save yourselves! Well, there you have it – the future is already here and it’s only a matter of time before we start hunting each other for sport! And I’m totally fucked because I don’t have any money saved up for a Jetsons-style bubble car.
Ever since Kanye West first unwrapped his Kim Kardashian Real Doll back in, oh, whenever Beelzebub and PMK gave it to him as a gift, Beyoncé has done a pretty good job of avoiding that freaky-looking doll whenever possible. I can totally relate: when I was a kid, I found a one-eyed Baby Secret doll in my friend’s basement and I nearly shit my pants. That thing was more terrifying than Boglins (which was the gold standard for come-to-life nightmares until that point in my life).
But when it comes to avoiding Real Doll Kim, it’s not always as easy as staying out of the basement (“It’s really not that bad down here!” – Solange). According to Radar, as Beyoncé was leaving an appointment at her dermatologist’s office in Beverly Hills, the Twilight Zone music started playing and she came face-to-face with Real Doll Kim. But while Kim’s eyes lit up with excitement (which says a lot, since normally she has the eyes of Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s), a source says the feeling wasn’t mutual:
“Beyoncé looked like she wanted nothing to do with Kim and was really trying to stay away from her. Kim was basically fawning all over her, and Beyoncé looked like she could have cared less!”
Then Beyonce yelled “Look over there! A video camera and a black dick on a giant pile of money!” and slipped out the door as Kim started ripping off her Spanx and asking “WHERE?!?!”
Since Real Doll Kim is modelling her life after “Stan” by Eminem, the source says she then instructed her doctor to give her the exact same procedures that Beyoncé had done (Botox and fillers). But that’s not really saying much, because – let’s face it – she was going to Botox and fillers anyways.
Here’s more of Kim at the airport yesterday with one of her favourite toys, the pretend cellphone her assistant uses to keep her distracted during the flight. Awwwww, it looks like she’s playing ‘important business woman’. “I’m calling Mommy! Hi Mommy, I’m a working girl! Buy low, sell high! What’s our ETA on that? Let’s me talk to corporate! We’ll touch base on that later! I’m making us money, right Mommy?”
Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t “partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.
“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”
I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.
The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ’100 proof’ written on it.”
Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.
“Hello, Mr.Hamm? Yes, I think it’ll fit, but it’ll be tight.” – OurMissC
Mr. Travolta, we’re ready for you on set now! Mr. Travolta? Hello o, o, o, o,? Mr. Travolta olta, olta, olta, olta? - ZombieWaylandFlowers
I’ve never seen and hissed at this dark-sided, evil mutation of one of Lindsay Lohan’s coke boogers until Dlisted reader Amanda sent it to me a few days ago. If I did see it as a kid in the 80s, then I immediately shoved it down the trash compactor in my brain (“But isn’t your entire brain a trash compactor” – you “Have you been reading my medical files?” – me) and protected my soul by forgetting about it. Freddy Freaker was the demon star of a 1-900 number commercial in the 80s and no, I don’t know what happened when you called that number. But if you hear of a 30-something zombie-like human with dead eyes who has a panic attack every time they see a yellow bell pepper, then just assume that when they were a kid they called that 900 number and had their soul and spirit sucked out of their ear by Freddy Freaker.
Freddy Freaker looks like some kind of clumpy piss creature that was created when Ray-J pissed on Kim’s skin of Lucifer ass cheeks. Freddy Freaker looks like what you’d see if you put up a microscope to Gary Busy’s coagulated jizz. Behold, nightmares:
Happy Good Friday, everyone!
Conan O’Brien (51)
Alia Shawkat (25)
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (27)
America Ferrera (30)
Kourtney Kardashian (35)
Melissa Joan Hart (38)
Eli Roth (42)
David Tennant (43)
Maria Bello (47)
Eric McCormack (51)
Jeff Dunham (52)
Jane Leeves (52)
Eric Roberts (58)
Rick Moranis (61)
Dorothy Lyman (66)
James Woods (67)
Hayley Mills (68)
Of Mice And Men starring STUNT QUEEN and douche of all trades James Franco opened on Broadway last night and this morning, in the same Instagram breath, he posted a link to the thumbs up review from Variety and then slapped at theater critic Ben Brantley of The New York Times for panning the show. The scattered hairs on James’ b-hole nearly burned off when he channeled the asshole spirits of Kanye West and Alec Baldwin to punch out this little love note to Ben Brantley (which he later deleted). via @rilaws (via Vulture)
How rude and mean! If I was Ben Brantley, I would be highly offended. I mean, a “little bitch“? Who wants to be a “little bitch.” Everyone should strive to be a mega bitch at least. Ben Brantley needs to step up his bitchiness so no asshole ever calls him a “little bitch” again.
Ben’s review of James’ performance wasn’t even that bad. It’s not like he said that James is as bad at theater acting as he is at trying to pick up barely legal ass on Instagram. Early in the review, Ben said James has a “brooding beautiful” face and you’d think that’d make his ego cum, but he was stuck on this instead:
Though he sports a Yosemite Sam accent, Mr. Franco is often understated to the point of near invisibility. It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up. And only in the play’s second scene — in a bunkhouse, where Lennie retells George about the dream farm they’ll someday own together — did I sense a warming current of affection between the characters.
“It’s a tight, internal performance begging for a camera’s close-up….” When James Franco does gay porn, which he will in the name of HIGH ART, a porn reviewer will say the exact same thing about his asshole.
The best part of Ben’s review is this:
Though Mr. Franco musters a single, perfect tear for the play’s tragic climax, I only came close to shedding one. That was in the first act, when a dog (a real one) is led offstage to be shot because it stinks. That dog seemed to have true fear and bewilderment in its eyes. It felt, well, human, in a way none of the people did, and my heart sank when I knew it wouldn’t be coming back.
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! The dog got a better review than James Franco. I almost want to fly to NYC just to see this, because I’m sure I would get high off of the smoke coming out of James’ ears when during curtain call, the crowd stands up and throws bouquets of milk bones at the dog.
Here’s James Franco, Chris O’Dowd and Blair Waldorf at the Of Mice And Men after-party and they really kept themselves together as the photographers screamed, “But where’s THE DOG?!”
The last time we checked in with The Fanged One, she was explaining that in order to avoid an all-expenses paid trip to Divorce Court, a woman needs to put on her frilliest pink party dress and find a guy who moonlights at Medieval Times as a knight or something (that’s pretty much all my brain was able to process from that interview before throwing up its hands and saying “Fuck this, I’m out”). And now Kirsten Dunst is back with more KD Brain Farts, this time regarding casting couches, and particularly how if you end up on one, it’s because you were probably a slut to begin with. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be using this gif of Donna Meagle very soon?
In an interview with Sofia Coppola for W Magazine, Kirsten was asked if she ever felt pressured by creepy directors to suck or fuck her way to a better role, a sleazy practice that is almost as common in Hollywood as nose jobs and Tom Cruise wife auditions.
“No [laughs]. I don’t give off that vibe. I think that you court that stuff, and to me it’s crossing a boundary that would hinder the trust in your working relationship.”
So, let me get this straight – basically she’s saying is that if you find yourself in a casting couch situation, it’s because you were asking for it? Oh, I’ll take that Donna Meagle gif right about now. This one too. Look, I don’t want to lobby accusations of being not-smart at people I don’t know personally (“Bitch please” – my brain), but Kirsten is veering off the road of not-smart into the oncoming traffic of fucking stupid. You don’t have to put out a “vibe” to get asked to take a seat on the casting couch. Hell, Gwyneth Paltrow received an invitation to the casting couch, and the only “vibe” she puts out is an uncomfortable icy chill. And is she trying to suggest that she books jobs based on talent? Oh, please have several seats.
Here’s more of Kirsten in W, and maybe she doesn’t give off “that vibe”, but thanks to photographer Juergen Teller, she’s giving off some do-not-want Crime Scene Barbie vibes in that first photo.