Archives: April 2014

UPDATE: Christ Bearer And His Peen Are Forever Parted And Wu-Tang Denies He’s Affiliated With Them

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

The good news is that L.A.-based rapper Christ Bearer (born name: Andre Johnson), who cut off his dick before jumping off of a second story balcony, has been downgraded from critical condition to stable condition. The bad news is that doctors weren’t able to sew his peen back on John Wayne Bobbitt-style and his peen has been laid to rest in a peen coffin.

TMZ (of course) somehow found out that doctors at Cedars-Sinai were unable to re-attach Andre Johnson’s peen. Meanwhile, Wu-Tang Clan had to kick a dude while he’s down, out and mourning his peen. Yesterday, they threw up a note on Instagram and their blog (via The Village Voice) denying that Christ Bearer has ever been part of the Wu-Tang brand.

Parental Advisory : Don’t Believe The HYPE. This Mother Fucker Ain’t Got Shit to do with WUTANG ..~Mr .TANG

Someone has since erased that note from Wu-Tang’s Instagram and their blog. Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar and they were discovered by RZA and he’s worked with the West Coast Killa Beez, so he IS affiliated with Wu-Tang. Who knows why they’ve cut him off and are pulling a Mimi by saying, “I don’t know him.”

And back to the peen coffin. I Googled “penis coffin” and this came up. Now I know what I want to be buried in.


Open Post: Hosted By CZJ’s Bangs

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Another day, another trick in Hollywood getting surgery scar-hiding hair curtains….

Tommy Girl thought he was the hottest Hollywood bitch in new bangs until Catherine Zeta-Jones showed up to the opening night of the off-Broadway play The Library with her on-and-off-again piece Michael Douglas and her own new set of bangs. It hurts the nerves in my fingers to type this, but Tommy Girl works the bang look better and hopefully CZJ can clip those off once the lift scars finally heal. Because those bangs make her look even more like the original prototype for the JWoww plastic mannequin. Even Michael Douglas looks like he’s trying to pretend those bangs aren’t there.


Laura Prepon Will Not Be The Next Princess Of Scientology

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Oh, so sad. What will I do with this case of Xenu Estates sparkling barley water now? Maybe I’ll just save it for the next round on contract negotiations? That will be, what, a couple months? 6 months tops? I’m sure it doesn’t go bad.

It wasn’t that long ago that we heard the rumblings from deep within the basement of the Scientology Celebrity Centre that John Travolta and his glam squad might soon have another bride to primp n’ pretty for his best pal Tom Cruise, but it sounds like he won’t get to try out that new tube of VacantEyes mascara just yet. Despite reports that Tom Cruise has been wining and dining (and definitely not 69-ing) fellow Scientology card member Laura Prepon, UsWeekly says that multiple sources have told them that the two are just friends and nothing romantic is happening. Nothing romantic is happening between Tom Cruise and a girl? Thanks Captain Obvious!

Laura Prepon would have been perfect, because she’s tall as fuck and looks super strong, and you need to be strong if you’re going to be Tom Cruise’s next My Size Barbie. Besides checking your brain at the door, one of the most important aspects of your relationship with Tom Cruise is that you’re strong enough to carry him home after his little legs get tuckered out after a long day of rough-housing with the boys at Xenu’s Clubhouse (aka the blanket fort in David Miscavige’s office).

Meet The 12 Dum-Dums Who Supposedly Fell For A Bootleg Prince Hot Ginge Look-Alike

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Last month, FOX announced that they had rebooted Joe Millionaire, sort of, and replaced a neanderthal construction worker pretending to be a millionaire with a Prince Hot Ginge look-alike who looks more like a Flat Stanley look-alike. FOX found 12 not-knowing dumbasses and stuck them on a fancy estate in England to compete for a chance to marry into the British royal family. FOX probably broke the budget on this one, because it cost a lot of cash to hire bathroom lifeguards and paramedics to save these dumb fucks from almost drowning in the shower.

FOX released the first trailer for I Wanna Marry “Harry today and I figured that they’d show at least one trick who realized this was all a hoax and went with it, because she likes free drinks and camera time. Blame it on editing, but this trailer makes it look like they all believed they were there to win a chance to jump on PHG’s ginger scepter. I’m surprised that every other word out of these girls’ mouths isn’t “chickabee,” because if they can’t tell that’s a PHG look-alike, they obviously spent most of their lives eating wet leaves in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

I know piss-brained fame whores are everywhere (MTV wouldn’t exist today without them), but these have to be actresses and the joke has to be on us. But then again if you boozed me up and screamed, “There’s Prince Hot Ginge,” while pointing at a red fern in a terra cotta pot, that red fern in a terra cotta pot would magically disappear three seconds later. I’d never tell you where it went, but the sight of me with no pants on and the red fern leaves blowing out of my ass when I farted would give you a clue. Where the red fern blows.

via E! Online 

Lea Michele And Naya Rivera Hate Each Other

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Glee’s current ratings are at an all-time low, but they’ll raise higher than what Lea Michele thinks of herself if they turned the cameras around and gave us the backstage fuckery that’s supposedly going down. Over the past couple of months, Blind Gossip has had several blind items about how Lea Michele and Chris Colfer are in cahoots and have been working together to push Naya Rivera and Darren Criss off of the show. There’s been more backstabbing and diva theatrics than what happens backstage at the Queen of Scientology pageant (you know what I’m talking about, Tommy Girl and Travolta!). TMZ says that on Tuesday, the drama between Barbra Streisand’s second Wednesday matinee standby and Kim Kardashian’s klone got so bad that one of them was kicked off of the set.

Team Naya claims that Lea held up production when she stepped away from the set to deal with personal crap. After the cast and crew waited around for a while, Naya went to the producers to bitch to them that Lea is a lit matchstick shoved up everyone’s asshole. They’re all over her shit. Lea heard about Naya’s talk with the producers and dramatically exited stage left and never came back to the set.

But Team Lea has a different story. They say that Lea and Naya weren’t even shooting scenes together and she didn’t know that Kim Kartrashian’s badly-made wax figure complained about her. Team Lea says that Naya was kicked off of the set. The source also claims that Naya was fired. Team Naya denies she was given BYE BITCH walking papers.

To add another layer of ESCANDALO to this mess, Blind Gossip posted a blind item on Tuesday about a TV actress who broke up with her musician boyfriend after she read text messages on his phone between him and one of her co-stars whom he allegedly screwed on the side.

This pretty television Actress and her musical Fiancee recently broke up. Lots of rumors and public accusations flying back and forth: Controlling! Flirtatious! Insecure! Jealous! Cheater! Thief!

While both sides are spinning publicly, we know that there are two facts that both sides privately acknowledge as being true.

The first is that she broke up with him. Yes, we know he said that he is the one who called off the wedding, but that’s not true. She ended it.

The second is why she ended it. He cheated on her. Our Actress found a series of text messages on The Fiancee’s phone from a woman with whom he had hooked up on multiple occasions. It wasn’t the first time she caught him cheating, but it was with whom he was cheating that was the final straw.

Of course there was a huge fight. She yelled at him for being a liar and a cheat. He yelled right back that he did it because he was tired of her flirting with other guys. He also told Our Actress that she could have a hundred plastic surgeries but she was never going to be as hot as his famous colleague’s celebrity Significant Other (who is The Fiancee’s idea of physical perfection). Ouch.

You know the rest. Couples therapy, breakup, accusations, spin.

This is obviously about Naya and Big Sean. Most of the blind item aficionados at Blind Gossip think the side piece costar is Lea Michele, but I’m not sure. If Lea was taking a ride on Big Sean’s fat moray eel dick, I think we’d all know it. Because we’d see pictures of Lea dragging the organs that fell out of her vag from Big Sean fucking her. So I’m guessing the home wrecking side piece slut is either Unique, Demi Lovato or Lord Tubbington. It was obviously Lord Tubbington.


Look at that slut with his legs wide. He’s practically bragging about it.

A Sequel To Mrs. Doubtfire Is Happening And Mara Wilson Wants No Part Of It

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re a die-hard Doubtflamer like myself who greets people by saying “HELLOOO!” or shouts out “Help is on the way!” whenever someone starts coughing, please join me in angrily whipping a lime at The Hollywood Reporter, because they’ve announced that Hollywood will be taking a giant, smelly shit all over the memory of one of THE GREATEST FILMS EVERY MADE, Mrs. Doubtfire, by releasing a sequel more than 20 years after its release. Yeah, fuck you too, Hollywood.

Both Robin Williams and director Chris Columbus have agreed to return because – duh – money, but they should probably start holding open auditions for precociously lispy kids, because Mara Wilson (who played “Natalie Hillard”, aka the one who was always begging Robin Williams to read Thtuart Little and Tharlot’s Wabb) would rather be pelted with a million pieces of citrus than appear in that future mess:

It doesn’t take a genius to know that Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Electric Hellooo!-aloo is going to be a goddamned disaster, so it’s not surprising that someone from the original cast is coming forward to say what we’re all thinking. And besides, we don’t need Mrs. Doubtfire anymore; the position for a woman with a fake padded ass and a plastic latex face who wears couch fabric clothes has been filled by Kim Kardashian.

X-Men Director Bryan Singer Accused Of Drugging And Raping An Underage Teenager

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

I first heard about Bryan Singer’sinfamous” coke and twink pool parties when I was 18 and was at some party in Orange County that a bunch of dancers from Disneyland were at. One of the twink dancers bragged to me and my friends about how the weekend before he was at a party in L.A. that the director of Usual Suspects was at and the white twinks, coke and meth were falling from the sky. The twink dancer said that Bryan Singer and his fancy Hollywood friends always throw parties like that and when I asked him to take me to the next one, bitch said, “Uh, you’re not white, skinny and cute enough, though.” Leave it to a bitchy blond Disneyland dancer with white highlights and blue contacts to save me from gay Eyes Wide Shut Hell.

So when I read about this last night, a look of shock didn’t exactly cover my face. The Wrap says that a now 31-year-old dude named Michael F. Egan III filed a lawsuit in Hawaii yesterday against Bryan Singer for allegedly drugging and raping him repeatedly starting when he was 15 years old. In the lawsuit, Michael, who grew up in Nevada, says that he and his family moved to L.A. so he could get into modeling and acting. Shortly after he moved to L.A., he went to a pool party at the M & C Estate (I know, my first thought was, “MC Hammer has an ESTATE named after him?“) in Encino, which at the time regularly hosted “notorious” twink pool parties where Hollywood players would allegedly feed drugs and booze to twinks before having sex with them.

At the time, Marc Collins-Rector (RECTOR!!!), the former CEO of Digital Entertainment Network, lived at the M & C Estate with Chad Shackley and Chad’s younger brother Scott Shackley. Michael Egan went to high school with Scott Shackley. Marc Collins-Rector isn’t being sued, but he is named in the lawsuit and is accused of sexually abusing Michael Egan for 2-3 months before passing Michael off to Bryan Singer. Rector is a convicted sex offender who in 2004 pled guilty to bringing five underage boys across state lines to have sex with them. Michael Egan also claims that Rector held a gun to his head and threatened to hurt him and his family if he stopped being the Pass Around Patty to all those gay Roman Polanskis.

Michael says he took the threats seriously which is why he didn’t turn down Bryan Singer’s request in 1999 to fly to Hawaii when he was 17. In Hawaii, Michael alleges that Bryan forced him to snort tons of coke and drink some suspect shit before Bryan raped him repeatedly. Bryan promised Michael a role in his new movie if he did everything he was told to. The movie role never came, but the drugging and raping went on.

Michael, who in the lawsuit states that he’s straight, wants a jury trial and is asking for an unspecified amount of cash.

Defendant, BRYAN JAY SINGER, manipulated his power, wealth, and position in the entertainment industry to sexually abuse and exploit the underage Plaintiff through the use of drugs, alcohol, threats, and inducements which resulted in Plaintiff suffering catastrophic psychological and emotional injuries. Defendant Singer did so as part of a group of adult males similarly positioned in the entertainment industry that maintained and exploited boys in a sordid sex ring. A Hollywood mogul must not use his position to sexually exploit underage actors.

Michael’s lawyer says that they plan to file more lawsuits against Bryan Singer and others who were allegedly involved in that twink sex ring.

Bryan’s lawyer Martin Singer told The Wrap that the lawsuit is made of lies and that’s it funny how it was filed 15 years later and just weeks before X-Men: Days Of Future Past, which Bryan directed, comes out. Bryan plans to fight the lawsuit.

This isn’t Bryan’s first time at the ILLEGAL underage rodeo. In 1997, he was named in a lawsuit filed by a 14-year-old boy who claimed that he and other underage extras in Apt Pupil were forced to take off their thongs for a shower scene. The rumor is that Bryan played the footage at parties.

After reading and writing about this sordid tale of underage butt rape, I decided that I needed a palate cleanser, so I took my eyes to YouTube to watch Elmo videos and then I realized that Elmo was accused of the same shit! Hollywood really does RUIN EVERYTHING. I can’t even watch an Elmo video without thinking of Elmo forcing a twink to do a line off of his crotch at one of Bryan Singer’s pool parties.

Will Arnett Has Filed For Divorce From Amy Poehler

April 17, 2014 / Posted by:

You can stop running around grabbing people by the shoulders and screaming “WHAT YEAR IS IT??” into their faces, because no, you didn’t wake up in some kind of weird Groundhog Day time-suck and, yes, it’s still 2014. Don’t worry, I had the same reaction when I read that notable self-tanner enthusiast Will Arnett has filed for divorce from his wife, Parks and Recreation/SNL/everything you love star Amy Poehler, because it feels like that already happened, way way back in 2012.

And I’m sort-of right. Amy and Will crushed all our hearts in September 2012 by announcing they were ending what everyone assumed was a perfect and adorable marriage. But for some reason they waited a year and a half to file the papers, which could mean one of two things:

1. They needed some time to reflect on their decision in order to be absolutely sure they didn’t want to rub their down-lows on each other anymore

2. Someone fucked up and forgot to file them a year and a half ago

As someone who has an empty Fruity Pebbles box labled ‘TAX STUFF??’ hiding somewhere in the back of my closet, I have to go with Option 2.

But don’t cry for Amy and Will. Amy has already moved on to The League’s Nick Kroll (who kind of looks like the human version of Earl Sinclair from Dinosaurs, but he’s funny as shit, so yes, I totally would) and Will tried humping on Billy Joel’s ex Katie Lee for a while before settling on producer Erin David. However, if you still feel like crying and mourning the death of true love, do it over clips from Blades of Gloryit will make you feel a little bit better.

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