Jessica Lange (65)
Michelle Ryan (30)
Miranda Kerr (31)
Ben Platt (34)
Joey Lawrence (38)
Tina Cousins (40)
Carmen Electra (42)
Shemar Moore (44)
J. D. Roth (46)
Crispin Glover (50)
Andy Serkis (50)
Veronica Cartwright (65)
Ryan O’Neal (73)
George Takei (77)
I know that last week I was instructing you to pack up your things and move to Colorado in order to be closer to that dreamy vending machine that sells weed, but there’s been a change of plans. We’re moving to Canada now. Yes, it’s cold as fuck. Yes, they elect crack-smoking assholes. Yes, the TV suuuuucks (edit: except for Big Brother Canada). But they’ve invented the Pizza Cake, so it will all be worth it.
A restaurant chain in Canada called Boston Pizza (aka Bostons aka Lil’ BoPeez aka My Favorite Restaurant Because I Am Trash) currently has a promotion on called “Pizza Game Changers” where people get to vote which potential new product will be made by Boston Pizza. Half of the ideas are Lohan-level dumb, like the gas-powered pizza cutter or the beard-shaped napkin, and a couple actually seem plausible (you know some gross fuck really wants to eat pizza-flavoured mints). But then there’s the Pizza Cake: six pizzas stacked on top of each other to form a girthy, thick pizza-filled fuck pile.
Even thought the Pizza Cake has more photoshopping than the face of a Kardashian, it’s the only product that looks real and more than 11,000 people have voted for it to be added to the menu. And since it’s Canada, it would be super-rude not to give the people what they asked for, so I’m betting $100 in Canadian Tire Money that the pizza cake will actually be served in Boston Pizzas across the country within a matter of months. Regardless of where you live, go ahead and vote for the Pizza Cake (it’s Canada; it would be rude to check IP addresses) if you want to make a Canadian’s dream come true.
And if the Canadian government is looking for a new national dish, I think they’ve found it. Nothing says “I’ve Got Free Healthcare” like the Pizza Cake.
Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).
On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.
Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.
After coming down with a case of the sicks and spending most of the week humping on bowls of jello and IV poles, Miley Cyrus was forced to temporarily hang up her bedazzled crotch-suffocating thongs and cancel several of her shows. And now the Associated Press has been told by Miley’s rep (an enchanted box of off-brand Shake n’ Bake) that she’s still recovering, which means that all of her upcoming US shows have been postponed. So, sad news for everyone who had planned on celebrating Easter Week by watching a slutty squirrel mark her territory by rubbing her rodent parts all over the hood of a car (it’s what Jesus would have wanted, right?)
The rep went on to say that Miley will resume her US tour on August 1st by playing seven rescheduled shows and two additional stops, and that her illness hasn’t impacted her European tour, which begins in a little less than two weeks. You hear that Europe? You have less than two weeks to prepare yourselves for Miley’s aggressively antibiotic-resistant viruses.
And Miley’s probably not the only one taking some time off to recuperate; I’m sure there’s a whole floor of the ICU dedicated to treating the antibiotics that survived after being flushed from her system.
“I was told we were just going in to clear up a sinus infection. But once we entered her body, my god, most of us were totally unprepared for what we saw. The viruses, the questionable strains of yeast. I saw my best friend die in a pool of rancid jizz. Even the strongest of us were freaking out.” - One of the survivors
I heard most of them were being treated for PTSD and various rashes. Sad. Get well soon, antibiotics.
The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.
And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).
Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.
Stoffel, the reincarnation of Houdini and the master escape artist who repeatedly shows Andy from The Shawshank Redemption how it’s truly done.
Honey badger don’t care, but this honey badger does care about one thing and one thing only: breaking the hell out of his enclosure like his enclosure is the Scientology desert compound and he’s one of Tommy Girl’s beard wives. In Honey Badgers: Masters of Mayhem, which re-runs on BBC Two and PBS, we meet Stoffel, the trickster of Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center in South Africa who can’t stop, won’t stop breaking out his pen (sometimes with the help of his hot honey badger wife). Wildlife conservationist Brian Jones, who runs the Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center, says that Stoffel has opened up gates, dug holes under walls and done whatever he can to escape. After Stoffel escaped yet again and got into a fight with the lions, Brian built an Alcatraz-like prison thinking the concrete walls would keep that trickster honey badger from escaping. Didn’t work. If you build it, Stoffel will jump over that bitch. Stoffel made jump-off walls out of rocks and mud balls and kept on busting out of there.
My first thought was, “If the ho wants out so bad, why don’t they just let him be free?” But that’s not what Stoffel wants. He wants them to keep challenging his smart ass. If they build the walls higher, he’ll find a way to make a catapult out of his own caca or an air balloon out of a plastic bag. If they put barbwire on top of the walls, he’ll sit on his wife’s shoulders, throw a trench coat over them both and walk out like a human. What I’m trying to say is, Stoffel will rule us all one day, so we might as well call him Chairman Stoffel from now on.
Not only is Stoffel a bad ass honey badger escape artist, but he has sweet, moves too.
“I’m at Coachella, bitch!” Actually, no, that’s not what he’s saying, He’s saying, “Can’t keep me in LOL.” Yup, it’s Stoffel’s world.
Tim Curry (68)
Maria Sharapova (27)
Catalina Sandino Moreno (33)
Hayden Christensen (33)
Troy Polamalu (33)
Kate Hudson (35)
James Franco (36)
Luis Miguel (44)
Jesse James (45)
Ashley Judd (46)
Suge Knight (49)
Ruby Wax (61)
Tony Plana (62)
Paloma Picasso (65)
Riff Raff dyed his husky blue and now that dog looks like it fell out of a Lisa Frank folder and yes, PETA has already slapped the grillz out of his mouth for this – Buzzfeed
The royal family thinks Cressida Boners is too carefree to wave and smile for a living- Lainey Gossip
Benadryl Cumsinbatches’ secret girlfriend, you in danger girl, because the Cumberbitches are coming for you - Celebitchy
If you said to yourself, “Aubrey hO’Day is taking selfies of her tits right now,” at any time of the day or night, you’d be telling the truth – Drunken Stepfather
I’m totally with Dustin Lance Black for being pissed that Pasadena City College rejected him as a commencement speaker over some dumb pics of him getting bareback fucked that leaked all over the Internet years ago…. But I am not with him when he says that he was doing what gay men do when they love and trust each other. Um, some of the best gay sex I’ve had was with hos I do not love and do not respect – Towleroad
And Pimp Mama Kris can find these “pranksters” spreading “lies” about her in the mirror - Reality Tea
Oh guess what, Hilary Duff is wearing overalls. I know, it’s really fascinating – The Superficial
Yeah, there was a Secret White House Pussy for years, her name’s Monica Lewinsky – Jezebel
Posh Beckham spent her birthday at the Grand Canyon, the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and those are words I didn’t think I’d ever type – Popsugar
All that’s missing from Heather Graham’s dress is a “Caution Road Work Ahead” posted on the front – Hollywood Tuna
And did all of us time travel back to 1997 without knowing it, because here’s Heather Graham again – Popoholic
Grab the blessed lube, it’s Fap Friday (Good Friday Edition) – The Berry
Idris Elba is a daddy now – ICYDK
The Internet throws balls of hate at Sky Ferreira for using black people as “props” and well, she is opening for Miley Cyrus…. - OMG Blog
Adam Levine shows off the shitty Kmart clothes he put his name on and not even a junkie Florida day-shift hooker would wear that mess for a free 8-ball - SOW
DUH. – HuffPo
It’s a Good Friday GIFT!
In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.
I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.
And so it begins…. The pussies of the world heard about their new overlord Lux terrorizing and scratching fear into his family and they’re beginning to revolt… Arm yourselves with catnip or something shiny.
ABC News10 (via Daily Mail) says that three people in Roseville, CA had to go the hospital on Tuesday night after a raging pussy went crazy and wreaked havoc on their asses. The year-and-a-half-old cat named Khat scratched his owner’s sister in the face, put deep gashes in the legs of his owner’s 10-year-old son and scratched up the legs and arms of his owner’s mom. The family didn’t exactly say why Khat rose up against them and went Porsha Stewart on their asses, but the owner, who didn’t want to be identified, says that he’s never been violent.
“The cat ran and jumped on his leg and was like, attached to him. He’s never been an aggressive cat, he’s never been mean, he just flipped.”
Animal Control was closed at the time of the pussy riot, so the police and firefighters had to come out to the house to handle Khat. They threw a blanket over him and used a metal pole to get him into a cage. Khat is currently in jail at the SPCA. The three humans who Khat tore up were released from the ER that night.
I’m sure Lux has already sprung Khat free and recruited him for the Pussies Against Humans army. Khat has two good reasons for rising up against the humans. Humans named him Khat and humans dressed him in that collar and tie. Dress a pussy up like Alec Baldwin and he’ll act like Alec Baldwin.