Rob Ford Takes His Ass To Rehab As Another Crack Smoking Video Goes Up For Sale

Since Allison’s Canadian, she should really be handling this one, but she’s not around right now, because she’s standing outside of Mayor McCrackie’s mansion with a sign that reads, “I STAND BY CRACKIE.” Or maybe she’s out celebrating the fact that the streets of Toronto are safe again since Rob Ford is drying out in rehab.

Everyone’s favorite pussy-eating, crack-smoking mayor announced tonight that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for a “substance abuse” problem and that substance is either crack or pussy, but I’m going to take a wild guess that it’s crack. Rob Ford didn’t decide on his own that he should finally roll on into rehab to try to kick his hunger for crack. A new crack-smoking video and a new drunken audio clip helped him make that decision. The Globe and Mail says that a sequel to Rob Ford’s unreleased crack-smoking video from last year is making the rounds and they’ve seen it. The video was shot by a dealer in Rob Ford’s sister’s basement at around 1am on Saturday. The dealer claims he’s got three videos of Rob Ford smoking crack and he wants six figures for all of them. That dealer must’ve inhaled a whole lot of second-hand crack smoke, because bitch is crazy for thinking those videos are worth six figures. That shit isn’t even worth six pennies. I’ve heard so many stories about Rob Ford smoking crack that I feel like I’ve already seen him smoking crack. And in his sister’s basement? I guess a family that smokes crack together, stays togethers. (“That’s right!” – White Oprah)

The Toronto Sun says that on Monday night Rob Ford was at his most Rob Ford-iest at a bar in Etobicoke. When Rob Ford wasn’t trying to fight with people at the bar, he was downing tequila and talking shit about his wife and his mayoral opponent Karen Stintz. Someone at the bar secretly taped Rob and gave the clip to The Toronto Sun (you can hear it here).

The audio recording, covertly taped by a patron of Sullie Gorman’s Monday night, captures the mayor being unruly as he’s ordering booze at the Royal York Rd. bar, complaining about his wife Renata and making lewd comments about mayoral contender Karen Stintz.

“I’d like to f—–g jam her (Stintz), but she doesn’t want … I can’t talk like this…I’m so sorry,” Ford is heard saying on the recording. “I forgot there’s a woman in the house.”

According to one witness, Ford was seen buying shooters and tequila and trying to fight with patrons Monday.

“He was really wasted,” said the witness. “And he was acting like a real ass.”

Rob’s currently campaigning for reelection in October and he said that his team is hoping he won’t drop out. As the crack dealers of Toronto softly weeped while walking toward the unemployment line, Rob released a long ass statement and here’s a piece of it:

Today, after taking some time to think about my own well-being, how to best serve the people of Toronto and what is in the best interests of my family, I have decided to take a leave from campaigning and from my duties as Mayor to seek immediate help.

I have tried to deal with these issues by myself over the past year. I know that I need professional help and I am now 100% committed to getting myself right.

I love the people of Toronto, I love being your mayor and I hope you will continue to stand by me.

We all know what’s going to happen next. After Rob Ford gets out of rehab, Oprah’s going to interview him and give him a docu-series on OWN. I can’t wait to see the waterfalls of sweat trickle down his face when Oprah tells him to cut the bullshit. And it’s times like these when I really miss Chris Farley. Think of the skits he could’ve done on SNL. Think of the skits.

Night Crumbs

Goopy Paltrow will not grace the Met Gala with her presence this year, which means it will be 5% less insufferable and 5% more tolerable. Scratch that, it still won’t be tolerable at all – Lainey Gossip

Whatever it is Hilary Duff is screwing with (examples: Scientology, the Illuminati, etc…) she needs to stop, because it’s making her look like a highly passable Kim Kartrashian impersonator – Celebitchy

In “bitch still has it and how” news, Loni Anderson is still a hot piece and my eyes are ignoring a certain white windowless van in plaid – Drunken Stepfather

Is Taylor Swift stalking Harry Styles again, because I’m pretty sure he’s worn that same exact outfit from hat to toe – The Superficial

Skeletor’s face twin doesn’t want to pay Jason Hoppy $10 million to go away – Reality Tea

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice’s estranged husband cries out more tears of woe while sitting in the back room of a Bombay Company – Towleroad

Kate Upton’s tits back (and no, I wasn’t really aware that they went anywhere) – Hollywood Tuna

The Godzilla trailer would be much more relevant to my interests if it was nothing but shot after shot of Aaron Taylor-Johnson wrestling that monster while topless – IDLYITW

There’s a special place in Hell’s special place for dumb fucks who hate on the beautiful angelic rose that is Conchita Wurst – Buzzfeed

The Mighty O may buy the Clippers, which makes sense since one day soon The Mighty O will own all of us – Jezebel

Being Justin Bieber’s au pair for so long really ruined Selena Gomez’s brains, because she forgot to put on pants before leaving the house – Popoholic

Kate Upton’s Tits™ on British Vogue – ICYDK

Some Hump Day panty creamers – The Berry

“Um, thanks, John Leguizamo, I wanted to forget that shit” – Bob Hoskins’ ghost – Pajiba

Almost Human is dead – SOW

Jeremy Renner’s “Well isn’t that special” face is making my nipples feel weird – Just Jared

Burn your Canadian tuxedo now – Popsugar

SOMEBODY TURN ON THE GODDAMN LIGHTS I CAN’T SEE SETH GABEL’S ASS – OMG Blog

A Report From The Times Of London Claims That Peaches Geldof Died Of A Heroin Overdose (UPDATE)

The Times of London (via The Daily Mail) says that tomorrow morning in London, detectives will a hold a press conference where they’ll announce that toxicology reports show that 25-year-old Peaches Geldof died of a heroin overdose. Earlier this month, Peaches’ autopsy came back as “inconclusive” and toxicology tests were ordered.

The Times says that not a trace of the bad shit was found in Peaches’ house at the time of her death, so the police suspect that somebody got rid of the drugs and paraphernalia before the cops showed up. What makes Peaches’ death really eery and sad is that her mother Paula Yates also died of a heroin overdose while taking care of her sister Tiger Lily. Peaches was reportedly taking care of her 11-month-old son Phaedra when she died.

Four years ago, a guy on Reddit wrote about how he had a heroin-fueled one-night-stand with Peaches that ended in a puddle of barf in a sauna at the Scientology Centre. Peaches admitted to messing with the bad shit, but said that she cleaned up and was focusing on being a mom.

The Times of London is supposedly reputable (not as reputable as The Daily Mail, of course), but none of this has been confirmed by the police yet. So there’s still a chance that at tomorrow morning’s inquest, the detective will stand before reporters and say, “Xenu did it!”

UPDATE: Xenu’s off the hook. Det Ch Insp Paul Fotheringham said at the inquest this morning that “recent use of heroin and the levels identified were likely to have played a role in her death.”

Kurt Cobain Called Courtney Love A “Bitch With Zits” In A Letter

The Seattle PD just keeps on releasing all kinds of stuff they found at the scene of Kurt Cobain’s suicide 20 years ago. They’ve released picture after picture after picture and today, at the request of CBS News (via HuffPo), they released a handwritten letter police found in Kurt’s wallet. In the letter that was supposedly written by Kurt, he calls Courtney a “bitch with zits” and a money siphoner. Somewhere, a marketing executive for Proactiv is pitching a “bitch with zits” ad campaign starring Courtney Love.

The note, which is cut off in case you couldn’t tell, reads:

“Do you Kurt Cobain take Courtney Michelle Love to be your lawfully shredded wife. Even when she’s a bitch with zits and siphoning all yr money for doping and whoring.”

Detective Mike Ciesynski of the Seattle PD said that they held onto the note because of all the conspiracy theories (read: the “Cracked Out Courtney Killed Kurt For That Nirvana Money” theories) out there. Billboard points out that this note is totally different than Kurt’s supposed suicide note where he callsCrazy Courtney a “goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy.” The Kurt Cobain Death Truthers will be busy as all hell this week comparing this letter to the suicide letter to see if the handwriting matches. May the mystery-solving skills of Detective La Toya be with them.

Yes, Courtney Love is a bitch. Yes, Courtney Love has a zits. And yes, I’m sure Courtney Love has siphoned money for drugs, but that letter reads like a fucked-up flirty love note to me. Those words were probably their actual vows. The only thing I learned from this letter is that Courtney Love spent money on whores. I thought it was the other way around. I thought Courtney Love was the one who sucked dick for Diet Cokes.

James Franco Admits He’s Kissed Lindsay Lohan, But That’s It (Uh Huh)

One-half of one of my favourite train wrecks of all time James Franco was on Howard Stern’s radio show Wednesday morning, where he once again said that inclusion of his name on Lindsay Lohan’s list of contaminated penises is either typo or a Lohan Lie (it’s a special kind of lie, laced with delusion and coke dust) and he swore up and down on his mother’s life that he NEVAH stuck his jizz joint in her coke clam. However, MTV says he did admit to doing something just as risky and dangerous as rubbing genitals with that contaminated crazy; he kissed her ON THE MOUTH. I just held my mouth in a tight embrace and reassured it I would never do something so careless and irresponsible.

“I will swear on anything you ask that I have never had sex with Lindsay Lohan. All right, we maybe kissed. It was lame. I can’t believe she put me on that private list, she’s so delusional!”

“When we made out it was so long ago. I was like a nice guy,” he said, recalling that their make-out happened when he was filming Spider-Man 2 in New York in 2004. “‘Okay [I said], the kiss is enough.’ It was also like, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ She was young.”

How young? Well, back in Spider-Man 2 times, Lohan was 17 or 18-years-old, and James Franco would have been around 26, which isn’t the worst, but any pairing that might get a thumbs-up from Wilmer Valderrama should always a bit of a red flag. Franco then reminded Howard about all the times she tried to bone him at the Chateau Marmont, adding this new Alex Forrest-y detail:

“She even broke into my room one time. I was on the couch and opened my eyes and there’s Lindsay in my room at 3 am.”

And I’m sure that’s when “nice guy” James Franco told her to close her legs, gave her a mug of warm milk, and sent her back to her own bedroom. Listen James, you want to convince us you never slept with Lindsay Lohan? It’s simple, really: just show us your penis. If it’s not covered in a weird freckled rash, smells like cheap self-tanner, and has an orange polyester hair extension tangled around the base, then you’re off the hook. You can send the pictures to either Michael K or myself (preferably myself).

Open Post: Hosted By CoCo’s Ever-Growing Ass

If lately it feels like there’s a shortage of oxygen to breathe in, it isn’t because Michelle Duggar’s tennis ball launcher pussy popped out another baby army. It’s because CoCo’s ass is bigger and it’s so big and powerful that it’s grown its own heart and its own pair of lungs and it’s breathing in approximately 10% of the world’s oxygen. The glamorous She-Hulk tweeted this picture of her mega mega ass looking like a pod of hippos caught in a net after she bragged that her hips are bigger and her ass is bigger thanks to some fitness app she’s whoring out:

My booty got bigger!My hips was a 40 now its a 42.True Fact! My waist is the same about 24.Thanks to my fitness app>

CoCo is so naturally gorgeous and she looks so exquisite in that Sunday mass church dress that I don’t even mind that her hot air balloon ass full of silicone is going to get so big and fat that the Earth is going to tip off of its axis and we’re all going to slide off. Hopefully when that happens, we’ll all slide past New Jersey and get one last glimpse of her 24-inch waist and her stunning world-ending ass.