Archives: April 2014

Porsha Stewart From “Real Housewives Of Atlanta” Charged With Beating Kenya Moore’s Ass

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

During the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last month, eyelashes flew and the smoke detectors went off from the burnt pancake makeup fumes when black history scholar Porsha Stewart went after and dragged slut from the 90s (copyright: Porsha) Kenya Moore. Bravo supposedly gave Porsha a pink slip and an application to Subway after she turned Kenya into her own personal mop. Well, now Porsha has been charged with assault and she turned herself in today. I don’t know what the weather was like in Atlanta today, but if the sun was out and the sky had an ethereal glow to it, that was civil rights activist Hosea Williams beaming with pride over his granddaughter getting arrested for fighting with some trick at a reality show reunion.

E! News says that Porsha was booked, her mug shot of glamour was taken, she posted bond and sashayed out of there. Porsha’s mug shot is very “beauty school yearbook picture circa 1983.” Porsha may be dumber than a piece of wet tampon lint, but she knows how to deliver the glamour in a mug shot. The expert at Maaco who painted her face and the licensed contractor who glued black broom bristles to her eyelids did an amazing job.

Andy Cohen talked about this wreck of a fight during an episode of @sk Andy and he called it “gross.” You might not able to read what he said since your seeing globes probably rolled out of your head and your cat are playing with them on the floor.

“To me, it came out of nowhere. The other women felt that Kenya kind of provoked her a little bit and was provoking her. I think I was just so shocked and so surprised, and I was just really upset. I don’t want that happen. I think it’s gross, and I think it’s just totally inappropriate, it’s wrong, it’s not entertaining. It’s just bad.”

I wonder what Andy’s definition of “really upset” is, because I’m not sure I would use those words to describe his ass getting so hot and tingly over Porsha and Kenya scrappin’ that a Bravo production assistant had to grab a Q-Tip. Andy was so grossed out by the whole thing that his nipples throbbed and milk squirted out of ‘em as he thought about the bonus check he’ll get once the ratings come in. Andy was so disgusted that he called up his realtor to let them know to go ahead and make an offer on that Hamptons beach house. Bravo and Andy are so grossed out that they’re going to air the fight on the reunion on Sunday. They’re so severely, severely, sickeningly disgusted that they’re probably going to air the raw footage on Pay-Per-View. I hope Mama Dionesia is on the sidelines throwing voodoo curses at all of them.

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File Under DUH: Oprah Won’t Be Bringing “Lindsay” Back For A Second Season

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Let’s play a game! Without cheating, let’s see if you can guess why Oprah won’t be renewing Lindsay Lohan’s reality show Lindsay. Are you ready? Okay, GO! If you guessed any of the following: booze, drugs, being a fuck-up, being difficult, being a difficult fuck-up, being a difficult drunk fuck-up, you’d be WRONG, because it was a trick question! The answer is low ratings (the answer is always low ratings).

The series finale for Lindsay airs this Sunday, and it sounds like Blo may want to throw herself another booze-soaked viewing party, because The Daily Mail says that it might be her last. Oprah was planning on renewing Lindsay’s reality series if it turned out to be a success, but it wasn’t. The premiere episode only took in 700,000 viewers, which may seem like a lot, until you realize that old-ass re-runs of The Big Bang Theory get about 4 million viewer. 70,000 viewers puts Lindsay in the same category as informercials and the stock footage of parks they show on DOG-TV. Since Oprah doesn’t really give two freckled Lohan shits about the Apricot Ashtray’s road to recovery unless she’s getting paid, she’s cutting her losses and moving on to a better money maker (Iyanla: Fix My Life Pt.2 – Keep Fixin’!)

And it sounds like out-of-work Lindsay can’t fall back on sitcom guest appearances either. According to Radar, Lindsay’s appearance on 2 Broke Girls was their lowest-rated episode of the season, nearly 1 million viewers less than an average episode. And that says a lot, since people who watch 2 Broke Girls aren’t exactly discerning viewers to begin with (aww, JK 2 Broke Girls. Any show with Jennifer Coolidge can’t be half bad).

So there ends another full rotation on the Merry Go Round of Lindsay Lohan’s life: she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, she gets another chance, she fucks up, she bargains for another chance, etc etc until she runs out of chances on earth, and she finds herself a rocket and starts bargaining with aliens.

Here’s more of Lindsay in London on Monday. I really hope there’s a current resume in that backpack, because she’s going to need it.

Pics: Flame Flynet

Night Crumbs

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

The first trailer for the Rosemary’s Baby mini-series is here. SPOILER ALERT: The real spawn of Satan turns out to be that wig on Zoe Saldana’s head – Just Jared

Channing Tatum really wants some of that X-Men franchise money – Lainey Gossip

The unpaid professional Instagram model who is only famous because she was once a tickle in Wayne Gretzky’s nutsack stars in a behind-the-scenes video for Golf Digest that is about as fascinating as golf itself – Drunken Stepfather

Charlie Sheen’s wasting $100,000 on a dumb engagement party, which is “I’ll give you one of my internal organs for that” kind of money to you and me, but is nothing to him. $100,000 goes up his nose on a weekly basis – Celebitchy

When Tracy Morgan is worried about you, you’re passed the point of severely fucked up – The Superficial

Doogie Howser’s Hedwig body weighs less than his Hedwig wigs, basically – Towleroad

Venus de Milo, is that you, girl? – Hollywood Tuna

The talking wig’s out there on the ho stroll hawking pancake-flavored vodka and other booze flavors that will compel your stomach to purge – Reality Tea

US Airways didn’t fire the employee who twatted out that planegina tweet, but no word if they promoted them to Director of EVERYTHING which is what they should do – Jezebel

Chelsea Handler tweeted this picture of her holding some CBS documents. While Chelsea Handler throws an “I’m coming for your job” look at Craig Ferguson, I’m wishing that her dog farted her on crotch – Pajiba

Emily Blunt should call up Weight Watchers to help her lose ALL THAT TONS OF BABY WEIGHT – Popoholic

Alicia Silverstone joins Jenny McCarthy and Kristin Cavawhatever’s anti-vaxx team, which is just the team you want to be on when it comes to medical science – ICYDK

It’s been a long day, so rest your eyeballs on Orlando Bloom’s hairless ass cheeks - OMG Blog

Dax Shepard comes out as a Bradaloonie – Popsugar

In case you need reminding that Walmart is a ~special~ place – The Berry

FYI: The fetus growing in Mila Kunis’ body has a vagina – IDLYITW

Simon Cowell is really sorry for being a home wrecking whore – Celebslam

Kendra Wilkinson is still knocked up – Moe Jackson

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…And Now For A Story We Can All Relate To

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’ve ever looked at a picture of Kim Kardashian and found yourself feeling the same way you did that time you ate a rotten Filet-O-Fish sandwich, take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. According to The Daily Mail, an Exeter man named Mike Amess (oh, he’s a mess, alright) is claiming that he’s developed a phobia of the Kardashians, wherein he breaks out in a cold sweat if he hears their voices, and that the sight of a semi-nude Kim will make him vomit. Someone needs to tell Mike Amess that that’s not a phobia, that’s just called being human.

The 24-year-old said it all began back in high school, when he watched Kim’s sex tape in an attempt to try to repress his sexuality (oh, big mistake, Mike Amess; that’s like trying to get over your fear of the ocean by watching JAWS):

I downloaded the video and watched it secretly in my bedroom. But the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible high-pitched wailing repulsed me. By the end of the tape, I had burst into tears. The experience left me terrified and I never wanted to see Kim’s face again. I have come to terms with my homosexuality now but my dread towards her has never left.”

Mike Amess claims that his phobia has only gotten more traumatic over the years, due to the fact that Satan’s shameless hookers are everywhere, and while he tries his best to avoid triggers like television, magazines, and Craigslist postings for dumpy-looking slug prostitutes (hey, even snails need to get laid), sometimes he’s unsuccessful, like when Kanye West released Bound 2:

“One day, I was lazing about on the sofa in front of the TV. I was skipping through music channels and that video came on. Seeing Kim naked, with her boobs bouncing about like that brought back memories of that horrendous sex tape. Before I knew it, I was sweating like a pig and throwing up.”

“We can totally relate” – the crew from the Bound 2 shoot.

A doctor, who does not treat Mike Amess, claims that while his phobia is super-rare and proooooobablyyyyy made up, there is a chance he is actually terrified of the Kardashians and Mike Amess should get some therapy so he can eventually change his name to Mike LessOfAmess.

And regardless of whether or not Mike is telling the truth (he’s probably not, but I love him anyways) he should get help, and if there’s one person who can cure you of your phobia fears, it’s Maury Povich and a dude dressed up as whatever you’re afraid of. Quickly Maury! Dress a staffer up as a nasal-voiced, fake-assed porn star and help Mike Amess!

Katy Perry Has Moved On From Riff Raff And Might Be Doing Diplo Now

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Regardless of whether or not you’re a religious person, you should probably slap your hands together and bust out a prayer for the freon-huffing grill-wearing Florida bedbug, Riff Raff, because he is going to be absolutely devastated when he hears that the love of his life has moved on to douchier pastures. If anyone needs your thoughts and prayers today, it’s him. I mean, he needs them anyways, because his life is a fucking mess, but today he’s really going to need them.

According to Page Six, Katy Perry has given us yet another square to block off on our Oh, Here We Go bingo cards by hooking up with DJ/producer Diplo. The two were seen (don’t do it, Allison) CANOODLING backstage at Coachella, with a source saying:

“It was very obvious that Katy and Diplo were together. They seemed inseparable and at one point they were seen getting onto her bus together.”

Getting on a bus together? Slow down, sluts!

I’m sure Diplo is a very nice person, and I’m not making fun of him per-se, but I think we can all agree that DJs are pretty high on the douche spectrum. With that being said, I shouldn’t be surprised that Katy is currently rubbing her dark horse parts on Diplo; ever since she split with The Douchebag King, she’s been trying to fill the douche-scented hole he left in her heart, and there’s no more concentrated form of douche than a guy who gets paid millions of dollars to press buttons on an iPod.

Rapper Christ Bearer, Who’s Affiliated With Wu-Tang Clan, Cut Off His Peen Before Jumping Off Of A Balcony

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

And now here’s a giant side of WTF and a giant side of SAD to go with your lunch, which I’m hoping isn’t a kielbasa sandwich….

TMZ says that Wu-Tang affiliated rapper Christ Bearer (government name: Andre Johnson) was taken to Cedars-Sinai in L.A. early this morning after he Lorena Bobbitt’d himself and jumped off of a second story balcony in North Hollywood. The cops are treating it as a suicide attempt. A police source told TMZ that after someone called 911, they showed up to the apartment building and found Andre lying on the sidewalk in a bad way. Andre is currently laid up in the hospital in critical condition. TMZ also let it be know that the status of his peen is not known at this time.

Christ Bearer is in the rap duo Northstar, which was discovered by RZA in 1998, and is also in other Wu Tang-affiliated groups. Members of one of the groups tell TMZ that they live in the same building as Christ Bearer. They say that out of nowhere, Christ Bearer cut off his dick and then jumped off of the balcony without warning. They say that he wasn’t on any kind of drugs that would cause him to do that and by the time they got downstairs he was running around screaming incoherently.

Yes, my brain is still shivering with the WHATTHEFUCKS and I do not appreciate your Johnson jokes at this time. I hardly leave my house, but when I do I always wish that a dick will fall on my head. I’m not going to make that wish anymore.

Open Post: Hosted By Heidi Klum And Demi Moore’s Leftovers In Mexico

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

Every dude in Hollywood who likes to get their prostates poked by a strap-on operated by a skinny ass model just crossed Heidi Klum’s name off of their list of potential pieces, because her strap-on game is whack. Not bending her piece over: – 100 points! Not pulling her piece’s hair: – 200 points! Yes, tapping his nip with her nail gets her 20 points, but it’s still not enough. Bitch needs strap-on training from Bland Eggs.

27-year-old art dealer and cougar magnet Vito Schnabel was getting on Demi Moore’s cougar cooch a little over a year ago and now he’s jumping on Heidi Klum’s 40-year-old titty sacks. Before Vito was boning Demi, he was doing Elle McPherson. Vito is certified cougar meat. So either the famous cougars just love a 20-something piece who knows his art and kind of looks like the human version of Spuds MacKenzie or Vito’s got a strong dick that can fuck the pre-menopause out of anyone.

Here’s a few more NSFW pictures of Heidi bringing some Vitamin D to her nips while hanging around with her new piece in Tulum, Mexico.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

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Tori Spelling Is Only Doing That Reality Show To ‘Humiliate’ The Deaner

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

HAHAHAHA! Good one, Tori Spelling. I almost believed you, until I heard the familiar sound of the CelebraTori Money Counting Machine in the background.

Immediately after the release of the trailer for True Tori, Tori and Dean “The Deaner” McDermott’s reality shit-show about their crumbling marriage, anyone with at least half a working brain cell (that rules out The Deaner) knew that it was nothing more than a flimsy excuse to #getmoneybitch. Except that according to People, that’s just not true! Tori isn’t doing it for the cash (are you sure you spoke to the right Tori?) but as a way to punish the Deaner for being a useless skank-humping shitbag:

“The decision to do this show is not coming from someone who is in a solid, good place. Tori is very, very upset and angry,” a longtime friend of Spelling’s says. “It’s just too raw and personal. There’s too much pain and it’s too private.”

Adds the source: “A part of her wants to completely humiliate him and make him suffer in front of millions of people. She wants to have some sort of justice. She wants him to truly feel the pain of what he did to her.”

And because the only thing the Deaner loves more than that sweet, sweet out-of-state pussy is money, he’s taking all the shit Tori is piling on him with a half-smile and a squinty-eyed single tear trickling down his face, even going so far as to tell Tori“My life means nothing if you’re not in it.” Really? The Deaner said that? I don’t believe it. I think what the Deaner meant to say was this:

“Tori, I need to know…what’s crappenin’ with us? What’s crappenin’ with our marriage? I went to rehab like you asked me to, and I barely fucked any strange while I was there (and I almost always pulled out!). I swear on Candi Spelling’s bank account that I’m committed to our marriage. What do you say, Tori…will you keep it sleazy with me? ” …at which point I start pretending to cry. What do you think, Hooters girls? Sounds good, right? Awesome! The Deaner is back in business! Now who’s ready to let me eat chicken wings off their tits?? Shasta, I’m looking in your direction!”

Pic: Flame Flynet

Paul Walker’s Brothers Will Fill In For Him In Fast & Furious 7

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After Paul Walker died, the producers of the Fast & Furious movies said that the 7th movie will go on, because it’s what he would’ve wanted and they want to pay tribute to him. Yes, because Hollywood movie producers definitely think of other humans before they think of the faucet that dribbles out money into their savings accounts getting turned off.

Paul Walker was in the middle of shooting scenes for Fast & Furious 7 (alternate title: THEY’RE MAKING ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE CAR MOVIES?!) when he died and he still had a few more scenes to shoot. The producers pressed pause on shooting and used the time to figure out what they were going to do. There were rumors that they were going to either write Paul’s character out or use a creepy CGI Paul Walker to complete the movie. They are going to use CGI, but they’re going to pair it with doubles played by Paul Walker’s brothers. The producers said on Facebook (via Vulture) yesterday that Caleb and Cody Walker (which sounds like the title of a hit Nickelodeon show about two twin country stars who take over their family’s cow milking business) have stepped in to finish their brother’s scenes.

The FAST & FURIOUS saga is about family. The characters are connected by the bond of family, and it is how all of us who have worked together for more than thirteen years feel about each other. It certainly defines how we feel about our fans.
Our family experienced an unthinkable shock in November. We had to take time to grieve Paul, the brother we love and lost, and to figure out if we should move on with our film.

We came together and all felt the only choice was to continue. We believe our fans want that, and we believe Paul would want that too. Paul had already shot his dramatic scenes and most of his action for FAST & FURIOUS 7, and it’s among the strongest work of his career.

We have resumed shooting and now welcome Paul’s brothers, Caleb and Cody, into our FAST family. Caleb and Cody are helping us complete some remaining action for their brother and fill in small gaps left in production. Having them on set has made us all feel that Paul is with us too.

Let’s hope that next year, Caleb and Cody are nominated for a highly-esteemed MTV Movie Award against Ice Cube and Kevin Hart for Ride Along 2: We’re Still Riding Along and WIN. The world needs another Ice Cube meltdown.

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