Archives: April 2014

Behold, The Basic Bitch Version Of The Seven Dwarfs

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).

On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.

Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.

Miley Cyrus Has Postponed The Remainder Of Her US Tour Until August

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

After coming down with a case of the sicks and spending most of the week humping on bowls of jello and IV poles, Miley Cyrus was forced to temporarily hang up her bedazzled crotch-suffocating thongs and cancel several of her shows. And now the Associated Press has been told by Miley’s rep (an enchanted box of off-brand Shake n’ Bake) that she’s still recovering, which means that all of her upcoming US shows have been postponed. So, sad news for everyone who had planned on celebrating Easter Week by watching a slutty squirrel mark her territory by rubbing her rodent parts all over the hood of a car (it’s what Jesus would have wanted, right?)

The rep went on to say that Miley will resume her US tour on August 1st by playing seven rescheduled shows and two additional stops, and that her illness hasn’t impacted her European tour, which begins in a little less than two weeks. You hear that Europe? You have less than two weeks to prepare yourselves for Miley’s aggressively antibiotic-resistant viruses.

And Miley’s probably not the only one taking some time off to recuperate; I’m sure there’s a whole floor of the ICU dedicated to treating the antibiotics that survived after being flushed from her system.

“I was told we were just going in to clear up a sinus infection. But once we entered her body, my god, most of us were totally unprepared for what we saw. The viruses, the questionable strains of yeast. I saw my best friend die in a pool of rancid jizz. Even the strongest of us were freaking out.” - One of the survivors

I heard most of them were being treated for PTSD and various rashes. Sad. Get well soon, antibiotics.

Pic: Splash

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Tila Tequila Is Going To Be Somebody’s Mother

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time we checked in with the former harmless booze-chugging trash rat turned insane anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist known as Tila Tequila, she had sort of disappeared before the release of there second sex tape. Naturally, I just assumed she’d been kidnapped by underground Illuminati lizard-people or an alien possessed by Hitler’s ghost, but as it turns out, she was drying out somewhere. GOOD. If Tila Tequila needed anything, it was for a group of professionals to get her off the sauce, because she was turning into the definition of RIGHT FUCKED UP.

And on Friday, Tila announced on Facebook that along with being clean and sober, she’s also knocked up with a tiny tequila worm. Tila says that she’s 10 weeks pregnant, and she’s already created a new Twitter account where she goes by the name Baby Mama Tila. So far there’s no word on who the baby daddy is, so for now let’s assume it’s an Illuminati lizard (they’re notoriously virile).

Tila is has been known to cry wolf when it comes to announcing pregnancies, so I might need more than a swollen tum-tum and a pair of pregnancy titties to convince me that Tila is actually with worm. I won’t be convinced that she is actually pregnant until I see a picture 6 months from now of a giant-eyed baby poking its head out of her crazy coochie, holding a newspaper from that morning in one hand and a hand-written affidavit in the other that reads “I, Tila’s little baby, swear that I was conceived in, grew in, share DNA with, and am now exiting Tila Tequila.” And even then, I’ll still probably be throwing side-eyes and wondering just how long Tila and that super-smart hired baby have been in cahoots for.

Pic: Facebook

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Stoffel, the reincarnation of Houdini and the master escape artist who repeatedly shows Andy from The Shawshank Redemption how it’s truly done.

Honey badger don’t care, but this honey badger does care about one thing and one thing only: breaking the hell out of his enclosure like his enclosure is the Scientology desert compound and he’s one of Tommy Girl’s beard wives. In Honey Badgers: Masters of Mayhem, which re-runs on BBC Two and PBS, we meet Stoffel, the trickster of Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center in South Africa who can’t stop, won’t stop breaking out his pen (sometimes with the help of his hot honey badger wife). Wildlife conservationist Brian Jones, who runs the Moholoholo Wildlife Rehab Center, says that Stoffel has opened up gates, dug holes under walls and done whatever he can to escape. After Stoffel escaped yet again and got into a fight with the lions, Brian built an Alcatraz-like prison thinking the concrete walls would keep that trickster honey badger from escaping. Didn’t work. If you build it, Stoffel will jump over that bitch. Stoffel made jump-off walls out of rocks and mud balls and kept on busting out of there.

My first thought was, “If the ho wants out so bad, why don’t they just let him be free?” But that’s not what Stoffel wants. He wants them to keep challenging his smart ass. If they build the walls higher, he’ll find a way to make a catapult out of his own caca or an air balloon out of a plastic bag. If they put barbwire on top of the walls, he’ll sit on his wife’s shoulders, throw a trench coat over them both and walk out like a human. What I’m trying to say is, Stoffel will rule us all one day, so we might as well call him Chairman Stoffel from now on.

Not only is Stoffel a bad ass honey badger escape artist, but he has sweet, moves too.

stoffeldancing2

“I’m at Coachella, bitch!”  Actually, no, that’s not what he’s saying, He’s saying, “Can’t keep me in LOL.” Yup, it’s Stoffel’s world.

Pic: Mamagolo2

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Birthday Sluts

April 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Tim Curry (68)
Maria Sharapova (27)
Catalina Sandino Moreno (33)
Hayden Christensen (33)
Troy Polamalu (33)
Kate Hudson (35)
James Franco (36)
Luis Miguel (44)
Jesse James (45)
Ashley Judd (46)
Suge Knight (49)
Ruby Wax (61)
Tony Plana (62)
Paloma Picasso (65)

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Night Crumbs

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Riff Raff dyed his husky blue and now that dog looks like it fell out of a Lisa Frank folder and yes, PETA has already slapped the grillz out of his mouth for this – Buzzfeed

The royal family thinks Cressida Boners is too carefree to wave and smile for a living- Lainey Gossip

Benadryl Cumsinbatches’  secret girlfriend, you in danger girl, because the Cumberbitches are coming for you  - Celebitchy

If you said to yourself, “Aubrey hO’Day is taking selfies of her tits right now,” at any time of the day or night, you’d be telling the truth – Drunken Stepfather

I’m totally with Dustin Lance Black for being pissed that Pasadena City College rejected him as a commencement speaker over some dumb pics of him getting bareback fucked that leaked all over the Internet years ago…. But I am not with him when he says that he was doing what gay men do when they love and trust each other. Um, some of the best gay sex I’ve had was with hos I do not love and do not respect – Towleroad

And Pimp Mama Kris can find these “pranksters” spreading “lies” about her in the mirror - Reality Tea

Oh guess what, Hilary Duff is wearing overalls. I know, it’s really fascinating – The Superficial

Yeah, there was a Secret White House Pussy for years, her name’s Monica LewinskyJezebel

Posh Beckham spent her birthday at the Grand Canyon, the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and those are words I didn’t think I’d ever type – Popsugar

All that’s missing from Heather Graham’s dress is a “Caution Road Work Ahead” posted on the front – Hollywood Tuna

And did all of us time travel back to 1997 without knowing it, because here’s Heather Graham again – Popoholic

Grab the blessed lube, it’s Fap Friday (Good Friday Edition) – The Berry

Idris Elba is a daddy now – ICYDK

The Internet throws balls of hate at Sky Ferreira for using black people as “props” and well, she is opening for Miley Cyrus…. - OMG Blog

Adam Levine shows off the shitty Kmart clothes he put his name on and not even a junkie Florida day-shift hooker would wear that mess for a free 8-ball  - SOW

DUH. – HuffPo

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PEEN: Brought To You By Kenny Brain From Big Brother Canada

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a Good Friday GIFT!

In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.

I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.

via Reddit via ONTD

Lux’s Impact: A Rage-Filled Cat Named Khat Puts Three Humans In The Hospital

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

And so it begins…. The pussies of the world heard about their new overlord Lux terrorizing and scratching fear into his family and they’re beginning to revolt… Arm yourselves with catnip or something shiny.

ABC News10 (via Daily Mail) says that three people in Roseville, CA had to go the hospital on Tuesday night after a raging pussy went crazy and wreaked havoc on their asses. The year-and-a-half-old cat named Khat scratched his owner’s sister in the face, put deep gashes in the legs of his owner’s 10-year-old son and scratched up the legs and arms of his owner’s mom. The family didn’t exactly say why Khat rose up against them and went Porsha Stewart on their asses, but the owner, who didn’t want to be identified, says that he’s never been violent.

“The cat ran and jumped on his leg and was like, attached to him. He’s never been an aggressive cat, he’s never been mean, he just flipped.”

Animal Control was closed at the time of the pussy riot, so the police and firefighters had to come out to the house to handle Khat. They threw a blanket over him and used a metal pole to get him into a cage. Khat is currently in jail at the SPCA. The three humans who Khat tore up were released from the ER that night.

I’m sure Lux has already sprung Khat free and recruited him for the Pussies Against Humans army. Khat has two good reasons for rising up against the humans. Humans named him Khat and humans dressed him in that collar and tie. Dress a pussy up like Alec Baldwin and he’ll act like Alec Baldwin.

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Bryan Singer Plans To Countersue His Accuser, Claims He Wasn’t In Hawaii During Sexual Assault

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

31-year-old Michael Egan and his lawyer Jeff Herman held a press conference yesterday (Side note: Clutch your anal beads tight, because Gloria Allred was NOT part of the press conference. Mark this day.) to talk about his lawsuit against 48-year-old director Bryan Singer for allegedly drugging him and raping him in Hawaii when he was 17. Michael claims that Bryan Singer drugged and raped him when he was 15 in Encino, CA, but he’s suing him for the alleged assault that went down in Hawaii, because the state recently passed a law giving victims of past sexual abuse two extra years to file. Michael told reporters that at the time, he went to the police with his parents, but the cops didn’t do shit about it. He claims that he blocked it out with the help of booze and only recently did he remember the terrifying details while working through his issues in therapy. Michael echoed what he said in his lawsuit. Starting at the age of 14 or 15, he was drugged, boozed up and used as a pass-around twink sex slave to a bunch of Hollywood types and Bryan Singer was one of them. They threatened to kill him and his family if he stopped being their toy, so he kept on. And if this is the point where you need to stop and go look at pictures of bunnies in bonnets, I don’t blame you.

In 2000, Michael Egan threw a lawsuit at 3 dudes including Marc Collins-Rector, the convicted sex offender he claims raped him first before passing him off to Bryan Singer. Bryan Singer wasn’t named in that lawsuit. TMZ says that Michael Egan got a default judgement of $2 million, but that Marc Collins-Rectum and the 2 other dudes left the country without paying up. Bryan Singer’s attorney, Martin Singer (no relation), thinks it’s funny that Michael’s brain suddenly burped up the memory of Bryan Singer doing illegal shit to him. But again, Michael claims that he just remembered it recently in therapy.

TMZ has also heard (read: Martin Singer told them) that Bryan has proof that he wasn’t in Hawaii at the time Michael says the rape happened. Michael says it happened August and October 1999, but Bryan claims he was in Toronto at those times doing pre-production and shooting the first X-Men movie. He has credit card bills, telephone records and other shit proving he was in Toronto.

Martin Singer told Variety yesterday that they plan to countersue, because the accusations are slanderous and are ruining Bryan’s pristine reputation. Bryan may like to skinny dip in a pool of tweaked out barely legal twinks, but he says he’s no rapist.

“It is obvious that plaintiff’s attorney is not looking to litigate the case on the merits. This matter is nothing more than the attorney seeking to get his 15 minutes of fame by sending out a press release with his ‘media consultant’ yesterday following up with a press conference today. Attorneys who try cases don’t hold press conferences.”

During yesterday’s press conference, Michael’s lawyer told reporters that there would be more lawsuits filed and more names named.

But back to the “not being in Hawaii” thing. That alibi doesn’t work for me. Bryan was filming the X-Men movie, which means that Storm could’ve easily flown his ass to Hawaii in about 5 minutes. Bring Storm in and charge her with conspiracy!

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Open Post: Hosted By A Video Selfie Gone Wrong

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you missed it, here’s a PSA warning you of the dangers of taking a video selfie when you’re a foot away from a moving train and not in the market to commit suicide. You don’t want to be that person who’s got the words “Death By Selfie” written on their tombstone. But you know, this could’ve been worse. A conductor’s boot to the face is a lot better than a yellow metal rod knocking your head off. That conductor’s boot saved him! So this is more like a selfie gone wrong gone right again.

And in the end, he might’ve earned the Dumb Bitch of the Day award of honor, but he did get a good selfie out of it.

Screen Shot 2014-04-18 at 2.43.03 PM

It looks like he’s having a real intense conversation on his boot phone.

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