Archives: April 2014

The Advice In Alicia Silverstone’s Parenting Book Is Exactly As Bonkers As You’d Think

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Even if you forced yourself to write down the craziest, most insane advice you could think of after chugging a dozen bottles of Pediasure in a windowless room while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” on repeat for 8 straight hours, you still wouldn’t reach the level of questionable at work in Alicia Silverstone’s new parenting manual The Kind Mama. Thankfully, you don’t have to, because The Daily Beast got their hands on a copy and compiled some of the best quotes about parenting from the woman who believes vaccinations are shots of “aluminum and formaldehyde”, Dr. Bird-feeder (not a real doctor):

On how drinking milk is basically like taking a garbage-filled shit in your uterus:
“Meat, dairy, and processed foods” should be avoided, she says, because they are “tracking toxic sludge through your baby house.” (“Baby house” = uterus).

On why Huggies is THE DEVIL:
Kind mamas can avoid funneling money into the “multibillion-dollar” disposable diaper industry, which is “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience.”

On why Tampax is THE DEVIL:
“Feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”

On why you’re THE DEVIL if you don’t let your baby sleep in your bed:
The alternative – forcing your helpless baby to sleep “in a barred-in box completely alone” – may well amount to child neglect.

On (brace yourselves, stupid is coming) vaccinations:
“There is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”

I’m a firm believer in ‘You do you’, so I have no feels or shits to give on whether or not Cher from Clueless lets her kid shit in the grass or sleeps in her bed or breastfeeds till he’s 12. What I do have a problem with is someone who’s credentials are “was in Aerosmith videos” writing a book about parenting, especially when their source material is basically email forwards from your misinformed paranoid aunt. Don’t get me wrong – I still think she should write whatever book she wants – I just also think said book should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really…we urge you to double check the legitimacy of every claim in this book.”

Layla Grant From “Nashville” Is Jem

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

If I lay a fart and someone asks me, “Did you fart?”, I’ll gladly admit it. But if someone asks me if I watch Nashville, I will pause for a minute while I’m deciding if I want to tell the truth and bring shame upon myself (and that’s saying a lot) and my family. I love Nashville, even though I sometimes don’t admit it, and that is why this news has made me put my hands over my childhood’s eyes while screaming, “DON’T READ THIS! IT’S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!”

The Hollywood Reporter says that the most important cinematic event of our time, the Jem and the Holograms movie, has already started shooting and producers have announced who’s playing Jem and the Holograms. Aubrey Peeples is Jem. Aubrey plays Layla Grant on Nashville and next to that pill-popping ostrich Scarlett, she’s the most annoying character on that shit. Layla is some reality show runner-up who is so damn dumb that she doesn’t realize her country singer boyfriend loves dick and is using her as a beard. So basically, Layla’s based on Taylor Swift. And now Layla’s going to be Jem.


Producers also announced that a bunch of girls I’ve never heard of will play the Holograms. Stefanie Scott is Kimber, Aurora Perrineau is Shana and Hayley Kiyoko is Aja.

The truth is, who really cares who plays Jem. It’s all about Pizzazz and if they announce that Pizzazz will be played by a trick named Ashley Greene or a trick named Vanessa Hudgens, Hollywood will drown in the slaughtered bodies of the childhoods of every ho who grew up in the 80s.

The teaser poster is after the cut and it makes Jem and the Holograms look like a low-budget indie thriller directed by someone who thinks they’re the next Soderbergh. Why so serious? 

Terry Richardson Didn’t Tell A Model He’d Shoot Her For Vogue If She Boned His Gross Ass

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

In a shocking turn of events, the human definition of “trench coat flasher” Terry Richardson didn’t send a British model a Facebook message where he told her he’d shoot her for Vogue if she let him shoot his cottage cheese cum in her eye. Over the weekend, model Emma Appleton tweeted a screen crab (typo and it stays) of a Facebook message that she says came from Uncle Terry. At the time, Uncle Terry’s spokeswhore said that he never messaged that model and asked her if she wanted to fuck for a Vogue shoot, and American Vogue said that they aren’t working with his nasty ass anytime soon. But apparently, that message didn’t come from him.

Page Six’s sources (read: Uncle Terry threatening to cum in everyone’s eye at Page Six if they didn’t print this shit) said that Facebook discovered that the account the message was sent from was a fake Terry Richardson account. An online forensic expert named Theo Yedinsky said that the fake Facebook account was set up two weeks from a random Gmail account. A source “close to Terry” spit this out to P6:

“The whole thing is defamatory and possibly illegal. Appleton’s agent was informed about the fake account . . . but refused to acknowledge the truth and continued to grandstand.”

Emma told P6 that if the account is fake it needs to be deleted, but if it’s real then Terry is a “hideous human.”  I think that’s the nicest thing anybody has ever said about Terry. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone referring to him as “human” before.

Many of us squinted at that message like a stream of yellow jizz was shooting toward our left eye, because it was so out-of-character for Terry. Since when does Terry ask a model beforehand if he can jack off on her face? We thought we knew you, Uncle Terry. That’s probably why Uncle Terry went after that supposed hoaxer on FB. They’re totally ruining his reputation by making his sound kind of gentlemanly.

BREAKING NEWS: Kaley Cuoco Cut Her Hair

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Attention screenwriters: this is your next Captain Phillips. Get writing.

It looks like the attention she got from her fake haircut scored high enough on the Publicity-O-Meter, because Kaley Glencoco (who you may know as Penny from The Big Bang Theory, or “Who??” from everywhere else) has gone ahead and extended the 15 minutes of that first stunt by chopping off all her hair for real this time. I know, turn off the CNN; this is more important.

Kaley broke the news by posting several selfies to Instagram (everyone at Reuters must be on vacation). Us Weekly has a comprehensive overview of the event:

- The inspiration came from her fake haircut, which she quote – “fell in love with”
- Kaley had to wait for shooting to wrap on TBBT Tuesday night before she cut her hair Wednesday morning
- She was “extremely excited” for her new look

There you have it. That’s all we know for now, but hopefully more information will be released soon (I’m sure The Guardian will bring us frequent updates). And praise be Dorito jesus that she went with a bob and didn’t get bangs; I don’t think I have the self control needed not to make a corny ‘Big BANGS Theory’ joke.

Here’s the first round of hair cut pictures in what will no doubt be a series of 20 (or until Kaley cooks up something else for publicity, like resting her hand on her stomach). At first glance, I honestly thought her stylist was Leann Rimes, but then I remembered that no sane person would ever let Leann Rimes near a pair of scissors.

Pics: Instagram

Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” Video Isn’t Racist Because She Has Like Japanese Fans Or Whatever LOLOLOL

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

If you went to the mall yesterday and did everything you could to avoid the Sanrio store, because you knew that even a hint of Hello Kitty would make your eardrums jump out of your ear holes and cause you to have a panic attack that no amount of Xanax could cure, then you probably tortured yourself by watching Avri Lavigne’s cupcake turd of a video for “Hello Kitty.Any living thing with a sense of hearing and sight considered it an act of terrorism against humanity and some labeled it as racist. When Gwen Stefani was using Harajuku Girls as mute props, Margaret Cho called it a minstrel show.” Many on Twitter said pretty much the same thing about Avril’s video and Billboard had a few words to say about that mess:

Hello Kitty” is the weakest song on Avril Lavigne’s fifth studio album, a grating earworm that squeezes Gwen Stefani’s Japan fetishization into an even more unseemly package. But in a lot of ways, its music video, which wormed its way onto YouTube on Tuesday (Apr. 22) and then was quickly taken down, is even a bigger train-wreck than the track itself. Click here to watch the gloriously ghastly video on Lavigne’s web site.

The majority of the “Hello Kitty” music video finds the Canadian pop princess parading around with four identical, creepily expressionless Asian women behind her, performing mind-numbingly generic dance moves, in locales like a bedroom, a candy store and a street. When she’s not commanding her vaguely offensive troop, Lavigne is clumsily playing guitar, wearing glasses, eating sushi, waving at admirers, taking a single photograph, and… not much else, really.

Avril went on Twitter and totally shut up the haters with an intelligent and thought-provoking rebuttal. If Avril was on a 7th grade debate team and the argument was, “Is Avril Lavigne’s new video racist?“, she’d totally win for her team and win over the judges with an LOLOLOLOL.

I mean, Avril typed “Japanese” like a million times, so she’s totally not racist and stuff.

Some are saying that Avril’s video IS racist, others are saying that it’s just stupid (um, don’t the two go hand-in-hand?), but let’s not argue about that. Let’s just agree that the video is offensive to EVERYBODY and Avril needs to pay for her crimes by spending the rest of her life in a windowless, doorless cell far, far away from humanity. Too harsh? Okay, Chad Kroeger can be her cellmate. They can keep each other company.

Beyoncé Made The Cover Of TIME Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People Issue

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

“Hello, is this the complains department for TIME magazine? My name is Beyoncé and I’m calling to let you know about several mistakes I found on the cover of your latest issue. First of all, it says “The 100 Most Influential People” but I believe it should actually say “The 1 Most Influential Perfect, Beautiful, Talented, Humble Person” with an arrow pointing to myself. Secondly, the word TIME is in a larger font size than the word BEYONCÉ. Finally, it appears someone has replaced my picture with a photo of a sad malnourished afghan hound.”

TIME magazine has released its annual issue of the 100 Most Influential People, the cover of which was given to (correction, bestowed upon) Her Majesty of the People’s Republic of the Universe, Queen Beyoncé. Well, at least what I think is Beyoncé. It could also be the missing 3rd Knowles sister, Crawlspace Kid. Whereas Basement Baby gets to pop up from the basement from time to time (usually when the family is out at The Cheesecake Factory), Crawlspace Kid remains stuck in the crawlspace, fighting off rats in her underwear and using an old Austin Powers in Goldmember poster as a blanket.

Because God and Barack Obama were clearly busy, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg stepped in to write about what makes Beyoncé so influential and powerful and beautiful (why yes, I am making the universal hand gesture for jerking off). She says of Beyoncé:

“Beyoncé doesn’t just sit at the table. She builds a better one.”

“She raises her voice both on- and offstage to urge women to be independent and lead.”

“Her secret: hard work, honesty and authenticity.”

I think I found another mistake. Sheryl probably meant to write: “Her secret: high-quality lacefronts, a good lip-synch coach, and a Photoshop iPhone app”

And somewhere in Hell, Satan is telling every demon to drop what they’re doing and start making a bunch of fake TIME magazine covers with Kim Kardashian’s face on them. “Look, it’s just easier this way. I really don’t want a visit from Pimp Mama Kris.”



George Clooney And Steve Wynn Got Into A Drunken Fight Of Words Over President Obama

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Remember when you were in the 8th grade and you were sitting with your friend Cecelia when your other Ruby walked by and you went, “Hey, Ruby.” Then Cecelia rolled her eyes, smacked her lips and said, “I hate that bitch,” and you went, “Cecelia, Ruby is my friend, okay,” and Cecelia went, “Well, your little freeeend is a two-faced ugly bitch,” and you went, “Ugh, whatever, SAY-SEAL-YAH” before storming off all dramatic-like. Then two weeks later when Cecelia asked you to sign her yearbook, you wrote, “Have a hot fucking summer xoxoxo RUBY’S FRIEND.” Well, that situation pretty much repeated itself at a restaurant in the Wynn Las Vegas two weeks ago except the part of Cecelia was played by casino mogul Steve Wynn, the part of you was played by George Clooney and the part of Ruby was played by President Obama.

Norm Clarke of The Las Vegas Review-Journal says that a 52-year-old white millionaire got into a bitch fight with a 72-year-old white billionaire when Obama’s name came up. Two rich whores having a drunken, messy fight over politics isn’t exactly news, but these two melodramatic pissy messes made it news by burping up hilariously bitchy statements about that night to Norm Clarke. George says that Steve Wynn is a ranting mess who insulted his best friend President Obama. Steve Wynn says that George Clooney is an angry, delusional drunk. YES! I love it when two old rich bitches bring the drama and start scratching at each other. Pass the popped caviar and a Big Gulp full of Krug Brut.

George and Steve were having dinner and drinking tequila with a bunch of other people when George got heavily offended over Steve calling his best friend forever Obama “an asshole.” In an email through his publicist, George spit out this bitchy bitch slap:

“He called the president an asshole … that is a fact … I said the President was my longtime friend and then he said ‘your friend is an asshole.’ … At that point I told Steve that HE was an asshole and I wasn’t going to sit at his table while he was being such a jackass. And I walked out. There were obviously quite a few more adjectives and adverbs used by both of us. Those are all the facts. It had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with character.”

Steve’s version is a little different. Steve says that some CAA agent at the table made a joke about Mikhail Gorbachev and since George Clooney can’t handle his tequila and booze turns him into a delicate b-hole, he threw a tantrum and dramatically left the restaurant. The billionaire who kind of looks like a Wayne Newton statue made out of crispy bacon fat then channeled Jennifer North from Valley of the Dolls, but instead of saying, “You know how bitchy fags can be,” he basically said, “You know how bitchy actors can be.

“He stood up and threw a hissy fit. Then he sat down and started talking about the Affordable Care Act, and that’s when I spoke up. He didn’t like that either. I think my discussion about the Affordable Care Act was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When he’s drinking, he considers himself a close personal buddy of the president. He got up and said, ‘I don’t have to listen to this (expletive) stuff.’ The only person who got excited at the table was George, and he ran off to another bar. Clooney’s fun to be with when he’s sober. If you have a chance to drink with him, you want to get there early, and don’t stay late. Everybody who’s in my business, the casino business, knows to take actors with a grain of salt.”

Norm Clarke couldn’t ask the other people at the table what really happened because most of them died from second-hand embarrassment while watching two rich assholes try to out-asshole each other as their egos exploded. I’m Team NO ONE, but I did throw out a slow clap for Steve Wynn, because that Las Vegas-faced mess can throw shade. “...Take actors with a grain of salt.” Those are fighting words that will start a dance-off!

Olivia Wilde And Jason Sudeikis Are Somebody’s Parents

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:


The Year of the Diaper Genie has once again bestowed upon us another poopy blessing, this time to the home of Kenyan marathon fuckers Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis. On Wednesday night, Olivia announced she’d evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her uterus (I literally just pictured a fetus in sweatpants eating Doritos and laughed for a solid 60 seconds, which tells me I should probably cool it on the morning booze) by tweeting a vaguely-artsy picture of her snuggin’ on her new baby son with the caption:

Ladies and gentlemen, Otis Alexander Sudeikis has LEFT the building! (I’m the building)

First off, congratulations Olivia and Jason, mazel to you, babies are a gift, life is precious, etc. Now that that’s out of the way, Otis Sudeikis? Ain’t nobody got time for all those S sounds, especially somebody with a bit of a lisp like me. Every time I try to say “Otis Sudeikis”, I sound like a drunk Cindy Brady (although it’s not really Otis’s fault; I always sound like a drunk Cindy Brady). At least they were kind enough to throw Alexander in there to give my mouth a 4-syllable break from snake hissing. Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

Alright, now back to analyzing that black and white picture of baby Otis. “See that curve at the top of his ear? You’ll notice that Xander Jones shares an almost identical-looking ear curve. Coincidence? OF COURSE NOT!!!”

Pic: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 24, 2014 / Posted by:


Jesus shows himself all sorts of ways. Sometimes he shows himself on a non-organic banana bought at Stater Bros. and sometimes he shows himself through Brit Brit’s personal food of ye gods. Sometimes he shows himself when I’m skimming through the channel guide and I see that the Hallmark Channel is showing 8 hours of back-to-back Golden Girls episodes. Other times he shows himself when I search “Bait Bus trucker episode” and the whole episode shows up. The whole episode! And on Good Friday in Norco, CA, the owner and a server at the Cowgirl Cafe thinks Jesus, or some other bearded person, showed himself or herself on a half-burnt pancake. When Jesus was crucified, he didn’t bleed blood, he bled Mrs. Butterworth’s maple syrup.

Karen Hendrickson, the owner of the Cowgirl Cafe, tells KCAL9 that the night before Good Friday, she prayed to God to look over her restaurant and the next morning he threw her an “I got you, bitch” wink by showing up on a pancake during breakfast service. One of Karen’s servers, Edgar, also saw the face of Jesus and went on to say, “To me, it’s impressive because it was on Good Friday, and I don’t really see that very often.” Edgar saying that he doesn’t see that “very often” makes me think that he’s seen that before, which makes me think that Pancake Jesus isn’t that special. Hay-Soos is always showing himself on cooked Bisquick batter. But Karen still thinks Pancake Jesus is a delicious gift from God and is keeping him safe in the freezer.

“Some people can see Jesus. Some people are saying it looks like Abraham Lincoln or a hillbilly. Some people are even saying it looks like Charles Manson.

He’s still on the same plate he was when he was put up on the window. I plan on keeping Jesus on this plate and preserving him so I can share him with everybody.”

Karen should really rename her restaurant “The Jesus Or Charles Manson Cafe.

I kind of see Charles Manson. But I mostly see Princess Bride Mandy Patinkin staring at a butterfly that landed on his finger. I also kind of see Frank Zappa smelling a fart.

If Judas shows his face on an Eggo waffle that’s been left in the toaster too long, we’ll know that Pancake Jesus is real. But if Squeaky Fromme shows her face in orange juice foam, well then….


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