Despite the fact that Beyoncé just finished performing the last of her 6 billion shows of the Mrs. Carter tour (she believes it was live streamed directly into the hearts and minds of everyone on earth, do not correct her) and Jay Z recently wrapped up his Smooth Character tour, and the fact that they have so much money they could buy Jesus Christ himself and let Blue Ivy hunt him for sport, Page Six says that Her Majesty Bey and her husband who’s name is not as important have decided to launch a 20-date stadium tour starting late-June.
Damn bitch, everyone has heard you sing about surfboards, we don’t need another tour for the surfbort song. Take a break, put your fucking feet up, take up knitting or some shit, do whatever you gotta do to decompress, but don’t do another tour. We’re all tired. I don’t have enough fight left in me to compete with the Bumble Beys for concert tickets. They’re monsters; they’ll jump through your ethernet cable and cut your fucking ear off. Take a break, please.
And I see you, Blue Ivy. I know that this is all your doing. That sneaky toddler probably has her eye on a new nap-time yacht or a solid-gold baby wipes dispenser, so she snuck into Beyoncé dressing room and left a hand-written note under Bey’s best wig that said: “I can’t help notice that your bank balance has dipped below a billion dollars. Is money tight right now? Should I help ease the burden by moving in with Unky Kanye and Auntie Plasticface? If only there were a way to make more money, but I have no idea, because I’m just a baby. Oh well. Maybe you and Daddy will figure something out.”
After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!
Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.
Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.
Rob “The Sock One” Kardashian has always been the most difficult-to-pimp hooker on the roster of Pimp Mama Kris’s Klassy EsKorts (30% discount on all hookers not named Kim) since all he really does is eat, tweet, sell socks, and take up extra space in the bordello. But leave it to that shrewd pimp to find a clever way to make a buck off of even the most useless of her offspring (and that says a lot).
According to Radar, a source close to The Sock One (Pimp Mama Kris with a home-made sock puppet named Tha Source) has entered The Meadows, a treatment centre in Arizona (yes, the same Meadows that Selena Gomez went to when she was fighting her addition to Doucheahol) and will stay for about a month to treat depression and substance-abuse issues. “To find out exactly what substance Rob has been abusing, tune in next season to KUWTK!” - Kris Jenner, as she’s fanning the ink dry on another deal with Satan.
I actually have a soft spot in my heart for The Sock One (a soft, doughy spot), so I hope he gets whatever help he needs fighting whatever demons he has; especially since being around those demons was probably what caused his depression in the first place.
Backdoor Farrah releases an insomnia cure-all: Thursday Night Missionary. - TheBluebirdOfCrappiness
Fifty Shades of Neigh. – usernamestaken
via Outside (Yes, horse yoga is a thing that exists)
Domino’s newest artery-clogging gimmick: Pizza with a Popcorn Chicken Crust!
Domino’s hasn’t mastered the art of making pizza yet (and I type that as a bitch who regularly eats their salt lick-covered in cheese and meat shit, because I hate my internal organs), but they’re taking on chicken now and farting out some crap they’ve called “Speciality Chicken.” According to Eater, Domino’s idea of “Speciality Chicken” is a pizza with chicken standing in as the crust. So it’s basically just popcorn chicken with a whole lot of toppings thrown on top. It’s some kind of sloppy, thrown together “chicken casserole” my mom would make using leftovers. This Mama June after birth comes in four flavors: Crispy Bacon & Tomato, Classic Hot Buffalo, Spicy Jalapeno-Pineapple, and Sweet BBQ Bacon.
I fully expect Pizza Hut, the masters of heart attack-inducing fuckery, to answer to Domino’s Popcorn Chicken Pizza by releasing a fried chicken pizza covered in pizza dough and served with liquefied bacon sauce and an ace inhibitor butter chaser.
That crap looks like several kinds of species had abortions on top of a pile of tumors before Brit Brit covered it with her discharge, but I. Still. Would.
Ellen Barkin (60)
Chance The Rapper (21)
Lorraine Nicholson (24)
Gina Carano (32)
Fredrik Ljungberg (37)
Alek Wek (37)
Lukas Haas (38)
Kelli O’Hara (38)
Sean Maher (39)
Karl Yune (39)
Mark Long (42)
Max Beesly (43)
Peter Billingsley (43)
Vickie Guerrero (46)
Jon Cryer (49)
Martin Lawrence (49)
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (67)
Pope Eggs Benedict XVI (87)
Humanized Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread sandwich Miley Cyrus was hospitalized (for drugs) in Kansas City (where she bought drugs) after she had a severe allergic reaction (to drugs) to some antibiotics (and by antibiotics I mean drugs) today. Miley’s show in Kansas City was canceled, so thousands of chirrun have the sads, because they didn’t get to see Miley crotch hump a giant hot dog and they didn’t get to drink up the yeast water that she squirts out of her mouth and onto their faces. Miley also canceled her show in Charlotte, NC over a week ago, because she had the flu (drugs). Miley tweeted a little sorry note along with a picture of her holding the weirdest butt plug I’ve ever seen (where can I get one?):
I guess “severe allergic reaction” is the new “exhaustion.”
When you eat a whole pot brownie and visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet dance around you and it feels like your skin is going to rip off of your body and crawl away, there’s no need to take your ass to the hospital. Just eat some nachos and enjoy the ride. (FYI: Seeing visions of Billy Ray’s raccoon mullet and feeling like your skin is going to rip off of your body are also the symptoms you get when you watch a Miley performance.)
But you know, Miley wouldn’t need to take antibiotics if she scraped the toxic smegma off of her tongue and stopped eating the snatch crust on panties that her fans throw onstage. Putting a stranger’s panty crust in your mouth will put you in the hospital. And since she’s in there, shut the doors, lock ‘em and quarantine her ass!
I know your eyes are swirling around like nuts in a food processor after gazing at The Human Ken Doll’s stuffed red pepper Speedo bulge, but try to focus for a second, because The Human Ken Doll would like you to know what’s going on down there. Stop what you’re doing (squinting to see if you can make out the outline of his Barbie Dream Peen) because this is important.
The angel of my fever dreams, Human Ken Doll (real name: Justin Jedlica) gave an interview to The Daily Beast where he assured everyone questioning the moral implications of fapping to a man who looks like a real-life Rio Pacheco that it’s okay, because even though his body is 90% factory-made plastic, he’s human where it counts:
“I would say more of my inspiration stems from ‘manga’ or anime. I find that much more appealing in all honestly than a Ken doll. It’s sort of that over-stylized, cartoonish version of human form [that I like]. I have all these haters on my page being like, ‘Does that mean you want to cut off your penis?’ And I’m like actually, I wish it was dragging on the ground like anime.”
Oooh, be careful what you wish for, Justin! As someone who’s read every book in the Goosebumps series and seen every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I know that 99.9% of wishes come with dark-sided consequence. It may seem like a good idea to wish for a dick that you have to drag around in a bundle buggy, but it could end up being a curse (“Not possible” – all the true blue sluts).
And unless that’s nothing more than an obese starfish taking a nap in the crotch of his swimsuit, I’d say his dick is doing alright by him.
Lady CaCa’s video for G.U.Y. wasted 365 gallons of water while in the middle of a drought. Every ho in California who is slowly dying of dehydration is going to curse that thirsty, water-hogging asshole bitch Lady CaCa before we shrivel up and turn to dust – The Superficial
Charlize Theron isn’t engaged to Sean Penn. She’s not that dickmatized by his barbecued Slim Jim dick….yet - Lainey Gossip
Prince William likes to work just as much as we all do (read: not at all) – Celebitchy
Mischa Barton looks like one big giant SIGH, a big giant SIGH with a nipple and dehydrated hair - Drunken Stepfather
Karlie Kloss’ hair and style twin Taylor Swift has a look in her little eyes that says, “I may or may not go inside and skin Karlie alive and wear her like a coat…” – Hollywood Tuna
Nene Leakes being a bitch to someone isn’t anything to clutch your pearls over, but I’m wondering why she didn’t dance to the Bear Necessities dressed as Baloo? – Reality Tea
Evangelical pastors are the biggest theatrical drama queens – Towleroad
Lady CaCa SANS Photoshop looks like a strung out Florida lot lizard who will fuck for a half-smoked Red – Jezebel
The dog has a better ass – Popoholic
You can almost see Oprah’s strength bar power up as she feeds on Pharrell’s tears of happiness – Pajiba
If you need something to wipe your Tax Day tears on, here’s some military man nipples – The Berry
Max Beesley’s peen + blood + two baby dolls = something a sick fuck is going to fap to - (NSFW) OMG Blog
File under: a bitch battle you might care about if the year was 2007 – ICYDK
Pamela Anderson has reached the stage that most people who get barbed wire tattoos reach: regret – HuffPo
Professional air kiss blowers Candice Swanepoel and Adriana Lima blow air kisses at some Victoria’s Secret event – IDLYITW
And hopefully those Magic Mike bitches do it right this time by giving us raw hard peen and hopefully raw hard peen that belongs to Joe ManJello – Just Jared
We should all be so lucky to get a flight attendant like this – Popsugar
I haven’t mailed shit in decades, but these panty-creaming students would give me a reason to – Slate
Just like Betty White, Mickey Rourke’s leather tits and Grumpy Cat’s grumpy face, Paul Rudd just keeps getting finer and hotter with age. Paul Rudd is that friend’s geeky older brother who used to fart in his own hand and smell them and talk about video games all the time (if you replaced “video games” with “House Hunters,” I think I just described myself), and when you see him 10 years later, he’s suddenly hot and you just want to give him a hand job in the bathroom while catching up.
Here he is struttin’ his ass in Cabo last Friday. I’d hit Object of My Affection-era Paul Rudd, so of course I’d hit this Paul Rudd. It even looks like Paul Rudd has one of those fur patches above his ass, so you’d have something to grab onto when he’s hitting it from the front.