Archives: April 2014

Night Crumbs

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Riff Raff dyed his husky blue and now that dog looks like it fell out of a Lisa Frank folder and yes, PETA has already slapped the grillz out of his mouth for this – Buzzfeed

The royal family thinks Cressida Boners is too carefree to wave and smile for a living- Lainey Gossip

Benadryl Cumsinbatches’  secret girlfriend, you in danger girl, because the Cumberbitches are coming for you  - Celebitchy

If you said to yourself, “Aubrey hO’Day is taking selfies of her tits right now,” at any time of the day or night, you’d be telling the truth – Drunken Stepfather

I’m totally with Dustin Lance Black for being pissed that Pasadena City College rejected him as a commencement speaker over some dumb pics of him getting bareback fucked that leaked all over the Internet years ago…. But I am not with him when he says that he was doing what gay men do when they love and trust each other. Um, some of the best gay sex I’ve had was with hos I do not love and do not respect – Towleroad

And Pimp Mama Kris can find these “pranksters” spreading “lies” about her in the mirror - Reality Tea

Oh guess what, Hilary Duff is wearing overalls. I know, it’s really fascinating – The Superficial

Yeah, there was a Secret White House Pussy for years, her name’s Monica LewinskyJezebel

Posh Beckham spent her birthday at the Grand Canyon, the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and those are words I didn’t think I’d ever type – Popsugar

All that’s missing from Heather Graham’s dress is a “Caution Road Work Ahead” posted on the front – Hollywood Tuna

And did all of us time travel back to 1997 without knowing it, because here’s Heather Graham again – Popoholic

Grab the blessed lube, it’s Fap Friday (Good Friday Edition) – The Berry

Idris Elba is a daddy now – ICYDK

The Internet throws balls of hate at Sky Ferreira for using black people as “props” and well, she is opening for Miley Cyrus…. - OMG Blog

Adam Levine shows off the shitty Kmart clothes he put his name on and not even a junkie Florida day-shift hooker would wear that mess for a free 8-ball  - SOW

DUH. – HuffPo

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PEEN: Brought To You By Kenny Brain From Big Brother Canada

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a Good Friday GIFT!

In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.

I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.

via Reddit via ONTD

Lux’s Impact: A Rage-Filled Cat Named Khat Puts Three Humans In The Hospital

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

And so it begins…. The pussies of the world heard about their new overlord Lux terrorizing and scratching fear into his family and they’re beginning to revolt… Arm yourselves with catnip or something shiny.

ABC News10 (via Daily Mail) says that three people in Roseville, CA had to go the hospital on Tuesday night after a raging pussy went crazy and wreaked havoc on their asses. The year-and-a-half-old cat named Khat scratched his owner’s sister in the face, put deep gashes in the legs of his owner’s 10-year-old son and scratched up the legs and arms of his owner’s mom. The family didn’t exactly say why Khat rose up against them and went Porsha Stewart on their asses, but the owner, who didn’t want to be identified, says that he’s never been violent.

“The cat ran and jumped on his leg and was like, attached to him. He’s never been an aggressive cat, he’s never been mean, he just flipped.”

Animal Control was closed at the time of the pussy riot, so the police and firefighters had to come out to the house to handle Khat. They threw a blanket over him and used a metal pole to get him into a cage. Khat is currently in jail at the SPCA. The three humans who Khat tore up were released from the ER that night.

I’m sure Lux has already sprung Khat free and recruited him for the Pussies Against Humans army. Khat has two good reasons for rising up against the humans. Humans named him Khat and humans dressed him in that collar and tie. Dress a pussy up like Alec Baldwin and he’ll act like Alec Baldwin.

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Bryan Singer Plans To Countersue His Accuser, Claims He Wasn’t In Hawaii During Sexual Assault

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

31-year-old Michael Egan and his lawyer Jeff Herman held a press conference yesterday (Side note: Clutch your anal beads tight, because Gloria Allred was NOT part of the press conference. Mark this day.) to talk about his lawsuit against 48-year-old director Bryan Singer for allegedly drugging him and raping him in Hawaii when he was 17. Michael claims that Bryan Singer drugged and raped him when he was 15 in Encino, CA, but he’s suing him for the alleged assault that went down in Hawaii, because the state recently passed a law giving victims of past sexual abuse two extra years to file. Michael told reporters that at the time, he went to the police with his parents, but the cops didn’t do shit about it. He claims that he blocked it out with the help of booze and only recently did he remember the terrifying details while working through his issues in therapy. Michael echoed what he said in his lawsuit. Starting at the age of 14 or 15, he was drugged, boozed up and used as a pass-around twink sex slave to a bunch of Hollywood types and Bryan Singer was one of them. They threatened to kill him and his family if he stopped being their toy, so he kept on. And if this is the point where you need to stop and go look at pictures of bunnies in bonnets, I don’t blame you.

In 2000, Michael Egan threw a lawsuit at 3 dudes including Marc Collins-Rector, the convicted sex offender he claims raped him first before passing him off to Bryan Singer. Bryan Singer wasn’t named in that lawsuit. TMZ says that Michael Egan got a default judgement of $2 million, but that Marc Collins-Rectum and the 2 other dudes left the country without paying up. Bryan Singer’s attorney, Martin Singer (no relation), thinks it’s funny that Michael’s brain suddenly burped up the memory of Bryan Singer doing illegal shit to him. But again, Michael claims that he just remembered it recently in therapy.

TMZ has also heard (read: Martin Singer told them) that Bryan has proof that he wasn’t in Hawaii at the time Michael says the rape happened. Michael says it happened August and October 1999, but Bryan claims he was in Toronto at those times doing pre-production and shooting the first X-Men movie. He has credit card bills, telephone records and other shit proving he was in Toronto.

Martin Singer told Variety yesterday that they plan to countersue, because the accusations are slanderous and are ruining Bryan’s pristine reputation. Bryan may like to skinny dip in a pool of tweaked out barely legal twinks, but he says he’s no rapist.

“It is obvious that plaintiff’s attorney is not looking to litigate the case on the merits. This matter is nothing more than the attorney seeking to get his 15 minutes of fame by sending out a press release with his ‘media consultant’ yesterday following up with a press conference today. Attorneys who try cases don’t hold press conferences.”

During yesterday’s press conference, Michael’s lawyer told reporters that there would be more lawsuits filed and more names named.

But back to the “not being in Hawaii” thing. That alibi doesn’t work for me. Bryan was filming the X-Men movie, which means that Storm could’ve easily flown his ass to Hawaii in about 5 minutes. Bring Storm in and charge her with conspiracy!

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Open Post: Hosted By A Video Selfie Gone Wrong

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you missed it, here’s a PSA warning you of the dangers of taking a video selfie when you’re a foot away from a moving train and not in the market to commit suicide. You don’t want to be that person who’s got the words “Death By Selfie” written on their tombstone. But you know, this could’ve been worse. A conductor’s boot to the face is a lot better than a yellow metal rod knocking your head off. That conductor’s boot saved him! So this is more like a selfie gone wrong gone right again.

And in the end, he might’ve earned the Dumb Bitch of the Day award of honor, but he did get a good selfie out of it.

Screen Shot 2014-04-18 at 2.43.03 PM

It looks like he’s having a real intense conversation on his boot phone.

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Kim Novak Talks About Whores Hating On Her Oscar Appearance

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Kim Novak and Kim Novak’s new face became a trending topic on Twitter on Oscar night when she came out with The Texas T-Rex to present an award and looked a whole lot different in the face and acted a little loopy (but not as loopy as The Texas T-Rex). The barbecued horse shit in a wig made of dog pubes that is Donald Trump tweeted that Kim should sue her plastic surgeon and others made the same jokes. In an open letter she released to Yahoo! Movies, Kim says that she read what Donald Trump tweeted and knew about the other jokes. Kim says that she didn’t leave her house for days because of it and admitted that yeah, she injected some fat straight up into her mug.

“It really did throw me into a tailspin and it hit me hard. I will no longer hold myself back from speaking out against bullies. We can’t let people get away with affecting our lives. For days, I didn’t leave the house, and it got to me like it gets kids and teenagers. I’m not going to deny that I had fat injections in my face. They seemed far less invasive than a face lift. In my opinion, a person has a right to look as good as they can, and I feel better when I look better.”

Kim says that she might’ve seemed drunk, because she took a pill (probably Xanax) to relax her nerves and had just come off a three-day fast.

I said this the day after the Oscars, but Kim Novak is 81 years old and was in Falcon Crest, so she can do no wrong including shooting her face up with some stuff that gives her that level 2 Wildenstein look. I’m also with Kim for needing to take a Xanax, because we’d all have to take a Xanax if we were in the same with John Travolta’s wig. But my eyes did stop at “three-day fast.” If I make it to 81, I won’t have time to fast, because I’ll be too busy shoveling delicious things into my mouth while I still can. If my doctor told me I had to fast for medical reasons, I’d ask him if there’s a way we can get around that, because I’ve only got a certain amount of time on this planet and there’s a whole lot of flavors of cakes out there.

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Duchess Kate Jokes That Prince William Should Wear An Alpaca Wool Hairpiece

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

WATCH IT U PEASANT-BLOODED SIMPLETON BITCH!” is probably a text that Duchess Kate got from THE QUEEN this morning after she joked about Prince William’s bald head during their visit to the Sydney Royal Easter Show as part of their government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia.

The other day when Duchess Kate wore a bright ass yellow dress, Prince William joked that it made her look like a giant banana. Approximately an hour later, costume stores all over the world reported that banana suits were sold out, because thousands of women want to dress like a Breck Girl who got famous for marrying a dude who got famous for being born. Today at the Sydney Royal Easter show, it was Duchess Kate’s turn to yank at Prince William’s dick in front of everyone. While looking at alpaca wool, Duchess Kate joked that Prince William should get a hairpiece made out of that shit. via People:

“The prince was interested in the alpaca, and as I showed it to them, the princess said he should put it on his head,” show exhibitor Lyn Crejan said. “She said, ‘You need it more than me’ and pointed to his head, and he laughed.”

I used my advanced Photoshop skills to copy and paste a plop of alpaca wool on Prince Willy’s head and I have to agree with Duchess Kate. Without the wool merkin, his head looks like a fuzzy goiter. But with the wool merkin, he looks like a potato in costume as Harpo Marx. Truly the look. Even that ram is into it. If that picture moved, you’d see that ram’s crotch sack tingling and shivering over Prince William’s sexiness.

There was also a pumpkin decorating contest at the Easter Show and of course, this one won:

duchesskatepumpking1

Just. NO. Throw a match at it! Who ever is responsible for that terrifying pumpkin should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, because there’s obviously something wrong with them. By the way, an hour after that picture made the media rounds, farmers and grocery stores reported that they were all sold out of pumpkins. But you probably already figured that.

And here’s Duchess Kate and Prince William a little later on in the day at Manly Beach, which should be renamed False Advertising Beach, because where’s the manly mens?

Pics: Bauer GriffinWenn.com

Johnny Depp Thinks “Transcendence” Is A Prediction Of The Future

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Whenever someone starts talking about the future, I immediately start picturing the world of The Jetsons and riding around in bubble cars and eating food-flavoured pills, because I know that the actual future is probably going to be a huge bummer. Best case scenario, we get the world of dum-dums and super-Costcos from Idiocracy, but worst case scenario, the future is a terrifying dystopic hell hole that combines Hunger Games-style murder competitions with the awful haircuts from Logan’s Run.

But one part of the mystery of the future has already been figured out by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp. During an interview with MTV News , Johnny removed his 20+ fauxhemian necklaces and replaced them with a Bill Nye bow tie to explain that the technology in his film Transcendence (i.e. that his mind is uploaded into a computer) IS REAL:

“When you look at it’s kind of a sci-fi thing. But when you dig a little bit deeper, and you realize that the technology that we use in the film… is very close to being a reality and will for sure be a reality in the next 30 years, is presented for the first time ever. It is a foretelling of what is to come.”

Please, Neil deGrasse Depp, tell me more about your theories of memory transfer, specifically which ones make it out of my brain. Because I have an awful lot of regretful shit that should probably stay between me and my frontal lobe (like the time I made cookie dough pudding, or the second time I made cookie dough pudding).

Since the active thoughts in my brain fall into one of two categories (the episode on candy canes from How It’s Made, and pictures of wizard cats) I doubt anyone would have the slightest interest in uploading my boring mind to a computer. Besides, we’re already able to see everybody’s mundane thoughts – it’s called Instagram. Oh shit, the spooky future technology Johnny Depp speaks of already exists! He was right! Run! Save yourselves! Well, there you have it – the future is already here and it’s only a matter of time before we start hunting each other for sport! And I’m totally fucked because I don’t have any money saved up for a Jetsons-style bubble car.

That Time Beyoncé Had An Awkward Run-In With Her Creepy Stalker At The Dermatologist

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since Kanye West first unwrapped his Kim Kardashian Real Doll back in, oh, whenever Beelzebub and PMK gave it to him as a gift, Beyoncé has done a pretty good job of avoiding that freaky-looking doll whenever possible. I can totally relate: when I was a kid, I found a one-eyed Baby Secret doll in my friend’s basement and I nearly shit my pants. That thing was more terrifying than Boglins (which was the gold standard for come-to-life nightmares until that point in my life).

But when it comes to avoiding Real Doll Kim, it’s not always as easy as staying out of the basement (“It’s really not that bad down here!”Solange). According to Radar, as Beyoncé was leaving an appointment at her dermatologist’s office in Beverly Hills, the Twilight Zone music started playing and she came face-to-face with Real Doll Kim. But while Kim’s eyes lit up with excitement (which says a lot, since normally she has the eyes of Bernie from Weekend at Bernie’s), a source says the feeling wasn’t mutual:

“Beyoncé looked like she wanted nothing to do with Kim and was really trying to stay away from her. Kim was basically fawning all over her, and Beyoncé looked like she could have cared less!”

Then Beyonce yelled “Look over there! A video camera and a black dick on a giant pile of money!” and slipped out the door as Kim started ripping off her Spanx and asking “WHERE?!?!”

Since Real Doll Kim is modelling her life after “Stan” by Eminem, the source says she then instructed her doctor to give her the exact same procedures that Beyoncé had done (Botox and fillers). But that’s not really saying much, because – let’s face it – she was going to Botox and fillers anyways.

Here’s more of Kim at the airport yesterday with one of her favourite toys, the pretend cellphone her assistant uses to keep her distracted during the flight. Awwwww, it looks like she’s playing ‘important business woman’. “I’m calling Mommy! Hi Mommy, I’m a working girl! Buy low, sell high! What’s our ETA on that? Let’s me talk to corporate! We’ll touch base on that later! I’m making us money, right Mommy?”

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan’s Slam Piece List Is Real, So Says Lindsay Lohan

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Because Oprah threatened to feed Lindsay Lohan to her hair if that mess doesn’t go out there on the ho stroll and bring up the ratings, she was on Watch What Happens Live last night to sell the final episode of the reality shit show that will prove to producers and directors that she’s a reliable, responsible and easy to work with individual who’s not at all a cold sore stuck to everyone’s urethra. During her talk with the shifty, giggling Siamese cat Andy Cohen, LiLo said that she hardly ever drops her chest wontons into a bra, because she doesn’t like bras and she claimed that she wasn’t partying” at Coochella. While playing Plead The Fifth, Andy brought up that list of all the famous hot pieces she’s supposedly rubbed her roast beef and cheddar slider on. Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, Joaquin Phoenix, James Franco, Zac Efron and Orlando Bloom were all on the list. InTouch, who published the list, said that LiLo made the list on a Scattergories sheet while getting drunk with her friends at a hotel bar. But last night, the embalmed freckled crack gremlin told Andy that she made the list in rehab at Betty Ford.

“That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford. And someone, when I was moving during the OWN show, must’ve taken a photo of it and so that’s a personal thing. It’s really unfortunate. I talk about this on the last episode of the OWN show, so to be continued…”

I didn’t know there was an AA step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you’ve taken a ride on (or a step that states that you must write a list of all the famous dick you WISH you’ve taken a ride on). According to AA.org, the fifth step is:

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Oh, now it makes sense! LiLo made a list of all the dudes she’s sorry she gave gonorrhea to.

The warped Grinch figurine also pulled everyone’s dick (yes, we’ve all got gonorrhea now and we’ll be on the next list) when she defended White Oprah. LiLo says that she’s the one who drags White Oprah to clubs as a “security blanket” and then told the funniest joke of all-time when she said that White Oprah doesn’t drink. I think LiLo cut herself off too soon. What she meant to say was, “My mother doesn’t drink…..anything that doesn’t come in a bottle with ’100 proof’ written on it.

Here’s LiLo talking about the list she probably leaked herself, because she needed something to cry about for the last episode of her shit show.

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