Archives: April 2014

Jodie Foster Got Married

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Raise a glass of whatever power lesbians are drinking noadways (Clamato and vodka?) to Jodie Foster who got married to her girlfriend of almost a year, photographer and actress Alexandra Hedison, over the weekend. I know I should keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine, but I can never keep up with the goings on of Jodie Foster’s vagine. Jodie had a 20 year-long relationship with her partner, righteous soul sister and co-mom to her two kids Cydney Bernard but that supposedly ended when she got caught with her mouth on the cookie jar of another woman named Cindy Mort. But now Jodie’s doing the holy matrimony coochie bump with Alexandra Hedison who dated Ellen DeGeneres for three years. Hollywood really is just one big swap party and since Alexandra went from Ellen to Jodie, Rosie O’Donnell is looking at that hot piece while licking her chops and thinking to herself, “All mine in two years.”

E! has all the thrilling details:

I can exclusively reveal that the Oscar winner and her photographer girlfriend of almost a year got married this past weekend.
A rep for Foster confirms the happy news.

As E! News first reported, the two started dating sometime last summer.

“It’s pretty serious,” a source told us in September. “They’re totally in love.”

Jodie and her new wife haven’t even been together for a year, but I don’t blame her for getting married so fast. I’m gayer than a squirt of strawberry-scented lube on a purple glitter dildo and even I wanted to marry Alexandra when she was on The L Word.

E! doesn’t have anymore details like what Jodie wore (a power suit, she wore a power suit) or who went to her wedding. But if her best friend forever Mel Gibson was there, I’m sure everybody got the warms in their hearts when he raised his glass and said, “Congrats to my favorite dyke!”

Pic: Getty

My Nightmares Thank You, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Between Katy Perry dressing up as a clown and Julia Louis-Dreyfus getting fucked by a clown in GQ, I’m going to need to schedule an appointment with my therapist ASAP, because I am all kinds of traumatized right now. There’s something about their fake, plastic-looking faces and pretend hair and fake noses and the ‘Look at me!’ attitude and the ill-fitting costumes and oh my god I’m describing Kim Kardashian, aren’t I? IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Dr. Whittmore, I think I’ve had a breakthrough!

But there is a reason why Julia Louis-Dreyfus is getting humped on by Krusty. It was part of a series of 4 shots for GQ that includes her macking on a clown at a clown party, going to downtown-clown-pound town (I’m guessing by the look on her face he wasn’t hung like a slide whistle) waking up the next morning wearing a pair of clown shoes and a look that says “Thanks for making a balloon animal out of my vagina“, then skipping ahead 9 clown-months into the future where she’s holding a tiny clown baby. Speaking of, did they give that clown baby Pennywise eyes on purpose?? Thanks GQ, you can pay for my dry cleaning, because that clown baby’s evil stare made me shit my pants.

Here’s more of Julia fucking on her clown friend in GQ. And if you’re also afraid of clowns, I dare you to look at these pictures while listening to creepy calliope music (but not before you put your therapist on speed dial, because there’s like a 90% chance you’ll need them immediately after to talk you down from the inevitable panic attack):

Pics: GQ

Katy Perry Makes Children Cry

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night, executives at Katy Perry’s label tore up her contract while screaming, “Well, what do we have then?!”, after she told Jimmy Kimmel that she’s sick of doing sexy videos where her tits are hanging out. Katy told late-night STUNT QUEEN Jimmy Kimmel that his “biggest twerk fail ever” stunt inspired her to prank real children’s birthday parties for the video for her new single “Birthday.” Katy went undercover as 5 of the worst birthday entertainers and one of them was a trashy, drunk, thug clown (no, not Justin Bieber) who ruined a kid’s birthday party. That sounds like a fitting and a totally sensical video concept for a song that’s basically about how Katy Perry’s going to let her birthday boyfriend titty fuck her before he eats cake frosting off of her twat. Here’s a piece of the lyrics:

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big balloons
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It’s time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons

Boy, when you’re with me
I’ll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday
I know you like it sweet
So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate

Anyway, Katy played Kimmel a clip where she traumatizes the children by failing to hit the pinata before stumbling into the street where she “causes” a car accident. Katy’s whole act was staged, but TMZ says that none of the children or parents were in on it. TMZ posted a longer clip and they say that scars grew on those children’s innocence as they cried and asked to go home.

Since my heart is a pile of dried-up vulture shit, I smile whenever I see kids crying over clowns, but those kids are total drama queens. So a drunk in a jacked-up outfit took over the pinata stick and ruined the party? Big deal. That happened at all of my birthday parties growing up. It could’ve been a lot worse and Katy could’ve really given those chirrun a reason to cry. I mean, she could’ve performed that “Birthday” song live for them.

Pics: Splash

Cameron Diaz Would Like You To Know That She Hasn’t Used Antiperspirant In 20 Years

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.

I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).

“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”

Well, I guess that explains this (and this, and this). But what about guys? Without antiperspirant, won’t they start to smell like low-tide on Garbage Island?

“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”

I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.

Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).

Pics: Wenn, Splash

MARK THIS DAY: People Magazine Actually Chooses A Worthy “Most Beautiful Person”

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):

“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”

People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.

And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.

Justin Bieber Apologizes After Posing For Pictures At A Japanese War Shrine

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Diminutive shithead Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Japan like the Muppet Babies version of Godzilla that he is, and because his fuck ups aren’t limited to North America, he’s already fucked up hard overseas (it’s probably for his next concert film - Justin Bieber: Fucking Up All Over The World). The NY Daily News says that on Tuesday, Justin posted two photos of himself to Instagram posing at Japan’s Yasukuni war shrine. The shrine honors 2.5 million war dead, which includes 14 convicted war criminals (eeesh) and much of China and South Korea view Yasukuni as a symbol of Japan’s past militarism and see visits to it as a lack of understanding or remorse. But why was Justin there? Oh, just because he saw it from his car window and decided it looked like a good place to pray (“Dear God, please let me get more drop-crotch pants, Amen”).

After numerous Chinese and South Korean fans channeled their inner Jon Hamm and told him he was a dumb shit for posing for a swaggy baby photo shoot in front of a building he knew nothing about, Justin quickly deleted the pictures and released this apology to Instagram:

While in Japan I asked my driver to pull over for which I saw a beautiful shrine. I was mislead to think the Shrines were only a place of prayer. To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan

“I was mislead”. Bitch, you need to take responsibility! Japan didn’t mislead you; it didn’t see your car driving down the street and throw a sign out on the front lawn that said “HARMLESS PRAYER BUILDING LOL”. It’s called asking questions, dummy; next time, make sure to ask whether or not the building you want to take pouty toddler selfies in front might be, oh, I don’t know, a shine to war criminals. But even then, Justin is so much of a dummy (I bet he doesn’t even know how a washing machine works) that he’d probably be like “What’s a war crinamal?” and start pretty-boy duck-facing all over the shrine.

Pics: NY Daly News

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The humongous, red siren-worthy, BREAKING NEWS camel toe that sucked in all the attention during a local news story about a home robbery.

While covering a story about six teens who broke into and robbed a house in Houston, TX, KPRC interviewed the hero neighbor who watched it all go down and called the police, and I kept waiting for the reporter Phillip Mena to stick his mic under her massive, hungry, hungry camel toe to ask its thoughts on this shit. I think I saw its lips move once. The hero neighbor didn’t want to be identified, so instead of showing her face, the cameraperson focused on her coochie eating her leggings. They should’ve blurred out her sideways Homer Simpson to protect its identity too.

Somebody shot this, a producer and the reporter looked at the footage, it was edited and they all went with it and decided that their story really needed a long, close-up of a giant camel toe (“Camel toe? It’s the WHOLE hoof.” – Chrisley) Those hos knew what they were doing. But that hero neighbor’s camel toe should be proud, because it has earned a spot in the Camel Toe Hall of Fame with CoCo’s legendary toe, Lil Kim’s “plastic red bag stuffed with palm-sized oysters” crotch and Mimi’s lamb toe. Behold.

hsotdlocalnewscameltoe

This has to be the most newsworthiest thing that’s been on the local news in a long ass time. Where’s their Peabody?

via Reddit (Thanks Laura)

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Birthday Sluts

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Joyce DeWitt (65)
Dev Patel (24)
Matthew Underwood (24)
Jessica Stam (28)
Taio Cruz (31)
Jamie King (35)
Joanna Krupa (35)
John Cena (37)
John Oliver (37)
Kal Penn (37)
Barry Watson (40)
Melina Kanakaredes (47)
John Hannah (52)
George Lopez (53)
Valerie Bertinelli (54)
Jan Hooks (57)
Judy Davis (59)
Michael Moore (60)
Lee Majors (75)

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Night Crumbs

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Buzzfeed asked Madge (who was done up like a nosy memaw from the 1950s) her opinion on random shit and when they asked her what she thinks of the devil’s tool known as CROCS, she wrote “effective.” If she doesn’t mean “effective at assaulting eyes,” then Madge is “effectively” dead to me forever. – Buzzfeed

The Other Woman promo tour is never going to end and Cameron Diaz will forever be spewing out shit about crotch pubes, monogamy, getting old, Botox and children. I’m surprised we still haven’t heard her stance on anal bleaching – Lainey Gossip

Gisele BundchensingsHeart of Glass. Well, that’s something that happened and never needs to happen again - Drunken Stepfather

Scary Spice is either un-wedgie-ing herself, picking a dingle or searching for Posh’s singing talent – Hollywood Tuna

The person in the Easter Bunny suit is Michelle Williams, right? A check is a check… – Celebitchy

“It’s all going according to plan….” said Mickey Mouse while rubbing his hands together as he looks at these pictures of Bella Thorne toking on the good shit at Coachella – The Superficial

Everyone wants to see Mimi Faust from Love & Hip Hop get boned while holding onto a shower rod – Reality Tea

Either Nick Jonas’ body is getting bigger or his head is getting smaller – Towleroad

Kristen Bell is wet, naked and confused on a beach, which I’m guessing is also a metaphor for what it’s like being married to Ashton Kutcher’s sidekick from Punk’dIDLYITW

Miranda Kerr sings and sounds like a sexy toddler while doing so – Jezebel

Aaron Sorkin is really sorry about The Newsroom - The Daily Beast

Kate Upton gets photobombed by Leslie Mann’s face on a poster – Popoholic

Brian Williams is more gangsta than Justin Bieber (but really, who isn’t?) – Popoholic

Daniel Franzese comes out in an open letter to his Mean Girls character. I thought this already happened a million years ago, but you go Glen Coco – Defamer

Superman and Gina Carano are still fucking – ICYDK

The 90s were hard – The Berry

ICYMI or need something to cleanse your palate of THAT SCENE, here’s some Game of Thrones peen and ass – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Kelly Clarkson has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! all the way and I’m going to go ahead and blame her hormones for why the hell she’s carrying that ugly ass sofa samples bag – Popsugar

The time I mistook Christina Hendricks for Endora – Just Jared

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