Archives: April 2014

Cameron Diaz Would Like You To Know That She Hasn’t Used Antiperspirant In 20 Years

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Until the technology exists that will allow Cameron Diaz to shrink us all down Magic Schoolbus-style and shove us up her butt to get a good look at what a juice cleanse will do to your colon, we’re just going to have to get used to her telling us everything we never asked when it comes to her body. So grab a pencil, because we’re about to fill in another page of our I Didn’t Really Need To Know This notebooks.

I have no idea what kind of question even started this conversation, but at the premiere of her film The Other Woman, Cammy D told E! News that she has more in common with Shay-Lean Woodley than just talking about vaginas. According to Cameron Diaz, the last time she used antiperspirant, it was probably a stick of Teen Spirit (aka a long fucking time ago).

“I don’t believe in antiperspirant. It’s really bad for you. I haven’t used it for almost 20 years. You’re stinky, because you use antiperspirant. It keeps all the stink in.”

Well, I guess that explains this (and this, and this). But what about guys? Without antiperspirant, won’t they start to smell like low-tide on Garbage Island?

“Let it go and just trim your armpit hair so it doesn’t hold onto the scent.”

I love that Cameron Diaz stopped using antiperspirant 20 years ago because it’s “really bad for you”, but still smokes because “one cigarette every once in a while isn’t going to kill you”. That’s flawless logic. I wonder when she’s scheduled to guest lecture in a 4th year medical science class.

Here’s more of Cameron “Let The Stink Out” Diaz with Leslie Mann and Kate Upton promoting The Other Woman on GMA this morning. And now that I know what I know about Cameron Diaz’s pit situation, I feel really bad for that grey jacket she’s wearing (RIP buddy, see you at the crossroads).

Pics: Wenn, Splash

MARK THIS DAY: People Magazine Actually Chooses A Worthy “Most Beautiful Person”

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

People was probably hit with lawsuit after lawsuit last year when eyeballs rolled out of sockets and stomachs heaved themselves up throats and out of mouths when they named freeze dried piece of organic bleached celery Goopy Paltrow as their World’s Most Beautiful Woman. So this year, they decided to spare people from dry barfing until they turn inside/out by putting the world’s sweetheart Lupita Nyong’o on the cover of their annual Clients Of The 50 Hardest Working Publicists In The Game 50 Most Beautiful issue. Everyone keeps saying that Lupita was obviously the only choice and they’re right, but I still hope that the Rhubarb Lady and La Vampy were in the running. Lupita said this about achieving something that is even GREATER than winning an Oscar (served in a tortilla made of sarcasm):

“It was exciting and just a major, major compliment. I was happy for all the girls who would see me on [it] and feel a little more seen.”

People really better slow down and watch it. If they keep putting actual beautiful people on their “Beautiful” issues then we’ll all start to think they went sane and actually know what the definition of “beautiful” is. They don’t want to go and ruin their reputation.

And it’s obvious that decades ago, Julia Roberts threatened to gallop into the homes of People’s editors and eat their children if they don’t put her on every “Beautiful” issue, because every single year there’s her face. The look on Baby Prince George’s face perfectly expresses my feelings about that.

Justin Bieber Apologizes After Posing For Pictures At A Japanese War Shrine

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Diminutive shithead Justin Bieber is currently terrorizing Japan like the Muppet Babies version of Godzilla that he is, and because his fuck ups aren’t limited to North America, he’s already fucked up hard overseas (it’s probably for his next concert film - Justin Bieber: Fucking Up All Over The World). The NY Daily News says that on Tuesday, Justin posted two photos of himself to Instagram posing at Japan’s Yasukuni war shrine. The shrine honors 2.5 million war dead, which includes 14 convicted war criminals (eeesh) and much of China and South Korea view Yasukuni as a symbol of Japan’s past militarism and see visits to it as a lack of understanding or remorse. But why was Justin there? Oh, just because he saw it from his car window and decided it looked like a good place to pray (“Dear God, please let me get more drop-crotch pants, Amen”).

After numerous Chinese and South Korean fans channeled their inner Jon Hamm and told him he was a dumb shit for posing for a swaggy baby photo shoot in front of a building he knew nothing about, Justin quickly deleted the pictures and released this apology to Instagram:

While in Japan I asked my driver to pull over for which I saw a beautiful shrine. I was mislead to think the Shrines were only a place of prayer. To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan

“I was mislead”. Bitch, you need to take responsibility! Japan didn’t mislead you; it didn’t see your car driving down the street and throw a sign out on the front lawn that said “HARMLESS PRAYER BUILDING LOL”. It’s called asking questions, dummy; next time, make sure to ask whether or not the building you want to take pouty toddler selfies in front might be, oh, I don’t know, a shine to war criminals. But even then, Justin is so much of a dummy (I bet he doesn’t even know how a washing machine works) that he’d probably be like “What’s a war crinamal?” and start pretty-boy duck-facing all over the shrine.

Pics: NY Daly News

Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

The humongous, red siren-worthy, BREAKING NEWS camel toe that sucked in all the attention during a local news story about a home robbery.

While covering a story about six teens who broke into and robbed a house in Houston, TX, KPRC interviewed the hero neighbor who watched it all go down and called the police, and I kept waiting for the reporter Phillip Mena to stick his mic under her massive, hungry, hungry camel toe to ask its thoughts on this shit. I think I saw its lips move once. The hero neighbor didn’t want to be identified, so instead of showing her face, the cameraperson focused on her coochie eating her leggings. They should’ve blurred out her sideways Homer Simpson to protect its identity too.

Somebody shot this, a producer and the reporter looked at the footage, it was edited and they all went with it and decided that their story really needed a long, close-up of a giant camel toe (“Camel toe? It’s the WHOLE hoof.” – Chrisley) Those hos knew what they were doing. But that hero neighbor’s camel toe should be proud, because it has earned a spot in the Camel Toe Hall of Fame with CoCo’s legendary toe, Lil Kim’s “plastic red bag stuffed with palm-sized oysters” crotch and Mimi’s lamb toe. Behold.

hsotdlocalnewscameltoe

This has to be the most newsworthiest thing that’s been on the local news in a long ass time. Where’s their Peabody?

via Reddit (Thanks Laura)

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Birthday Sluts

April 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Joyce DeWitt (65)
Dev Patel (24)
Matthew Underwood (24)
Jessica Stam (28)
Taio Cruz (31)
Jamie King (35)
Joanna Krupa (35)
John Cena (37)
John Oliver (37)
Kal Penn (37)
Barry Watson (40)
Melina Kanakaredes (47)
John Hannah (52)
George Lopez (53)
Valerie Bertinelli (54)
Jan Hooks (57)
Judy Davis (59)
Michael Moore (60)
Lee Majors (75)

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Night Crumbs

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Buzzfeed asked Madge (who was done up like a nosy memaw from the 1950s) her opinion on random shit and when they asked her what she thinks of the devil’s tool known as CROCS, she wrote “effective.” If she doesn’t mean “effective at assaulting eyes,” then Madge is “effectively” dead to me forever. – Buzzfeed

The Other Woman promo tour is never going to end and Cameron Diaz will forever be spewing out shit about crotch pubes, monogamy, getting old, Botox and children. I’m surprised we still haven’t heard her stance on anal bleaching – Lainey Gossip

Gisele BundchensingsHeart of Glass. Well, that’s something that happened and never needs to happen again - Drunken Stepfather

Scary Spice is either un-wedgie-ing herself, picking a dingle or searching for Posh’s singing talent – Hollywood Tuna

The person in the Easter Bunny suit is Michelle Williams, right? A check is a check… – Celebitchy

“It’s all going according to plan….” said Mickey Mouse while rubbing his hands together as he looks at these pictures of Bella Thorne toking on the good shit at Coachella – The Superficial

Everyone wants to see Mimi Faust from Love & Hip Hop get boned while holding onto a shower rod – Reality Tea

Either Nick Jonas’ body is getting bigger or his head is getting smaller – Towleroad

Kristen Bell is wet, naked and confused on a beach, which I’m guessing is also a metaphor for what it’s like being married to Ashton Kutcher’s sidekick from Punk’dIDLYITW

Miranda Kerr sings and sounds like a sexy toddler while doing so – Jezebel

Aaron Sorkin is really sorry about The Newsroom - The Daily Beast

Kate Upton gets photobombed by Leslie Mann’s face on a poster – Popoholic

Brian Williams is more gangsta than Justin Bieber (but really, who isn’t?) – Popoholic

Daniel Franzese comes out in an open letter to his Mean Girls character. I thought this already happened a million years ago, but you go Glen Coco – Defamer

Superman and Gina Carano are still fucking – ICYDK

The 90s were hard – The Berry

ICYMI or need something to cleanse your palate of THAT SCENE, here’s some Game of Thrones peen and ass – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Kelly Clarkson has a CASE OF THE BABIES!!! all the way and I’m going to go ahead and blame her hormones for why the hell she’s carrying that ugly ass sofa samples bag – Popsugar

The time I mistook Christina Hendricks for Endora – Just Jared

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Torture For Your Ears And Eyes: Avril Lavigne’s Music Video For “Hello Kitty”

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”

I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.

The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:

Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFG

Let’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me

Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.

And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:

1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).

2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.

Drew Barrymore Is Somebody’s Mother For The 2nd Time

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

For the last 2 months, I’d say a little prayer on my E.T. doll every time I saw a picture of Drew Barrymore because it felt like she had been pregnant for-ev-er and I was starting to get worried she was the victim of some weird gypsy curse that made her permanently pregnant (which is a punk move, even for the most vengeful of curse-throwing gypsies). Thankfully there was no curse (or Drew broke the curse, will update with details as soon as they’re released from www.gypsycurses.net) because People says that on Tuesday, Drew and her husband Will Kopelman became the parents of another little girl, who they’ve named Frankie Barrymore Kopelman. Drew and Will are already the parents of 19-month-old Olive Kopelman.

For someone who always struck me as a bit spacey and new age-y, Drew has managed to give her kids some pretty normal names. I was certain that after playing it safe with Olive she’d pull a 180 with the second baby and pick something bonkers like Moon Glow or Peaceful, but Frankie is cute. I especially like Frankie and Olive together; it sounds like a mid-range Italian chain restaurant. Frankie and Olive is where you go when there’s too long of a wait at Olive Garden. “2 hours? Oh forget it, I’m not waiting 2 hours. We’ll go to Frankie and Olive. I think I got a 2-for-1 coupon somewhere in my purse.”

Pic: Splash

Looks Like Someone Got A Johnny Depp Costume For Her Birthday

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Amber Heard is sooooo lucky; that’s pretty much the best Johnny Depp™ costume I’ve ever seen. She even got a real Johnny Depp™ Old-Timey Hat and two Johnny Depp™ Totally Random Necklaces! I’m super jealous. I asked for a Johnny Depp™ costume for my birthday too, but all I got was a cheap plastic smock with a picture of Gilbert Grape on the front.

Today marks Amber Heard’s 28th birthday, and to celebrate, the grimy-looking human mid-life crisis she’s engaged to treated her to a day of shopping in New York City. I don’t know where they went shopping, but I can guess they probably bought at least one of the following things: a shirt that’s meant to be layered with 4 other shirts, huge silver thumb rings, some kind of $50 non-shampoo, moth-eaten hats. After a long day of shopping, Johnny finished granting all of Amber’s birthday wishes by calling the paps for her. “Awww, how did you know?? I’m the happiest little stunt queen in all the land! Quick, give me back my engagement ring.”

Here’s more of Jamber Juice returning home from a long day of shopping for secretly-expensive worn out-looking garbage clothes (hey, it takes a lot of money to look as homeless as Johnny Depp) as well as Johnny cleaning up the tiniest bit to take Amber out for dinner on Monday night. I always forget what Johnny Depp looks like when he does normal person drag; if he took off that weird taupe pussy hat, he could actually pass for handsome (“Nope”Wino-era Johnny Depp). And Amber, honey, I suggest you bury that red velvet suit in the back of the guest bedroom closet, because there’s only one person who can pull off red velvet, and her name is Stacy Layne Matthews.

Pics: Splash

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