Wonky Really Does Have Talent!

Joe Francis, the douchebag with the most punchable face in the world, is trying to cock block one of his former employees from releasing a tell-all which paints him as a “child molester, tax cheat, rapist, coked-out amoral direct marketer, violent thug and sexual predator.” You know, all the things Joe’s oldest auntie calls him when she pinches his face cheeks at family reunions. “You adorable little coked out tax cheat rapist you..”

The book FLASH! Bars, Boobs, and Busted: 5 Years on the Road with Girls Gone Wild written by Ryan Simkin isn’t out yet, but he’s been releasing excerpts including this one about Wonky McValtrex’s ONE MAJOR TALENT!

Ryan writes that Joe called him from Europe one day and asked him to get twenty hits of ecstasy and four 8-balls of coke from Girls Gone Wild’s controller/drug dealer. Joe instructed Ryan to get the bundle of the bad shit to his girlfriend at the time Paris Hilton. Ryan put it all in a Camel ciggie box and met Wonks at Smashbox Studios where she was doing a photo shoot for Seventeen. Ryan went on to write:

I took out the Camel box and handed it to her, and she thanked me. We talked for a minute or two about the apparent difficulty of procuring those drugs in Europe. I asked if she was flying private, and she said, “No, commercial.” And then as politely as I could, I asked her how she planned on traveling with that amount of blow and X. She held the box in her right hand, and then with an underhand swoop like a lower case J, she demonstrated exactly how she intended to beat airport security. She even whistled as she did it. A little alley-oop with the Camel Box, straight up her snatch. Classic.

Right after that they came in with her next outfit, and she put it on. She said we could stay for a while and watch, but we were tired, and our work there was done. We hugged, said our goodbyes, and my roommate and I went back to the car to go home. I don’t think we said five words to each other the entire car ride. I spoke to Joe a couple weeks later. He thanked me again for the favor and said it all arrived safe.

I guess so.

And I bet that when Wonky pulled out the Camel box in Europe, that shit was empty! Tinkerbell, the army of pussy parasites and all her crotch crustaceans snorted it all up! Do you blame them? Every day, they all sit in Wonky’s cooch cavern waiting for some kind of nourishment to come through. When it’s a peen, they just stand against her sour walls filing their nails and waiting for it to leave. But when it’s a box of something good, they fight over that shit Lord of the Flies-style!

Bitch’s pussy is like the opening to Ursula’s lair. I would call Tinkerbell and Wonky’s crabs “poor unfortunate souls” but they probably snort more coke than all of us combined!

via Gawker & THR

Prostitution Whore: The Sex Tape

This might be just the thing that makes Teresa Giudice’s greedy hairline finally jump back a few inches! Word around the rest stops off the turnpike is that The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub has got a sex tape careening towards your eyeballs and is ready to take your retinas out! Mark June 15th as the day the internet will ooze puss and cry to be put out of its misery, because that’s when Hustler will release Prostitution Whore’s public sex tape debut.

The 75-minute tape was only shot last September and Danielle’s co-star is a mystery man. Danielle had no comment, but I’m sure she’ll have a few at the ladies luncheon she’ll throw to celebrate this work of fart. If you live in NJ and hear a scratching at your basement window, it’s just Danielle’s daughters begging to be let in. Just give them a few vanilla wafers and tell them to never EVER open their eyes around a computer or TV again.

If you love your computer too much to download the virus that is this fuck tape, but you are still curious to see Danielle wrap her sundried lizard body all around a peen, I have a solution for you. Just take a piece of fried bologna and let one of the mangier alley rats nibble at it a bit (cunnilingus). Then look for a dried, splintery chicken bone in the gutter. Take that fried bologna, squirt some curdled mayo on it and then rub it on that chicken bone until you feel the back of you throat start to moisten with stomach chutney. There you go! Now you will know what it feels like to watch Danielle’s snatch flip a dick, and you won’t have to take your computer down with you!

Tila Tequila Is Not Going Away

Since Vh1 has yet to greenlight Celebrity Mental Institution, Tila Tequila will instead hump the cameras with her goblin-bred fuckery on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. The fact that Vh1 still gets away with calling that shit Celebrity Rehab despite the absence of both “celebrities” and actual “rehab” is beyond me. But keep fucking that chicken, Dr. Drew.

TMZ says that Tila is the first wreck to sign up to the fourth season of Celebrity Rehab. It’s going to be fun watching Dr. Drew try to find a cure for Tila’s addiction to being a famewhoring delusional skank slut. SPOILER ALERT: There is no cure.

Even though the show now has an A-list media mogul in its cast, there’s still a chance that it will never make it to production. Apparently, nobody wants Dr. Drew’s help anymore. Heather Locklear, Charlie Sheen, Jenna Jameson and the creme de la crackie creme Lindsay Lohan have already turned it down.

If the show doesn’t happen, can’t they just lie to Tila and tell her the new season is shooting at the bottom of Eyjafjallajokull volcano? That will finally get Dr. Drew a Nobel Peace Prize. And if the show does happen, Dr. Drew needs to get Gary Busey to come back as a mentor and put him in a room with Tila dressed as a corn on the cob. Two chomps and the bitch will be gone.

And They Called It Pussy Love

If you’re going to do yourself with a Donny Osmond poster, at least make sure you tape an exit string to it first! Damn. A kinky ass horny woman in Britain learned this lesson the hard way after a Donny Osmond poster got stuck in her chocha. Bitch is ALL cuntry. The case is featured on a BBC3 show called Bizarre ER.

The dumb bitch went to the hospital crying about a pain in her “private area.” After conducting a series of tests, doctors found a rolled-up Donny Osmond poster chilling in there.

Okay, what kind of tests did they conduct? How big was the poster? How big is her vag? And why didn’t she just romance her pussy with a tampon instead of a poster. Fucking yourself with a tampon is just like fucking Donny Osmond. I mean, turning your pussy into a poster tube is not a good look.

And I don’t even want to know where doctors found her Marie Osmond doll.

via The Mirror

Fangs For Your Wang

I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here’s something you can safely wrap around your wang. It’s the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!

For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

And if you’re really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won’t need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!

With all that being said, I’d hit it. I’m joking (no, I’m not).

(Thanks Thomas)

You Can’t Keep A Famewhoring Reality Slut Down For Long!

When Jasmine Fiore was murdered and the now dead Ryan Jenkins was named as her alleged killer, Vh1 immediately liquefied Megan Wants a Millionaire and injected it into Daisy De La Hoya’s face lips. Vh1 has no plans to ever air Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3, because the rumor is that Ryan won both shows. But it’s not over for Megan! The famewhore will always rise above! According to Radar Online, she’s about to whore it up some more in another reality show for Vh1.

A source (aka Lily her chihuahua) said that after Vh1 canceled her show, they promised her another one if she kept her whore mouth shut about the Fiore murder. The source went on to say that we won’t see a re-do of Megan Wants a Millionaire, because her new show won’t focus on dating stuff. They haven’t completely decided what kind of show it will be.

We all knew we would see Megan’s stale dumpling face again. You can spray the Vh1 roaches with RAID and try to flatten them with your chankla, but they will always come back. Hopefully, Vh1 gives us what we really want to see: An entire reality show featuring Sharon Osbourne beating Megan’s ass over and over and over and over again. Megan Wants A Beat Down!

UPDATE: According to Vh1, this story is false and they have not given Megan another show.