Category: Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods Had Five Different Drugs In His System During His DUI
Ever since that time Tiger Woods’ wife beat him like he stole something after discovering his Soul Train line of side pieces, I haven’t looked at him the same way. He’s gone from hot commodity to hot mess in a matter of years. But even his antics make other hot messes tilt their head to the side and say “Damn homie,” especially after his DUI back in May. Yesterday the toxicology report from that arrest was released and it confirms that yes, Tiger was purring and slurring off some damn good pills. But he failed to mention that there was weed in his system as well.
Tiger Woods Was Messed Up On Pills (Not Booze) When He Got Arrested For DUI
That mug shot of Tiger Woods looking like a half-comatose Homer Simpson after a major donut binge is going to follow him around for the rest of his days, and if someone ever opens up a Mug Shot Hall of Shame Museum, it’s going to get a prime spot there. But apparently, the sweet nectar isn’t what gave Tiger that “Mac and Me on red wine and Ambien” look about him. It was dolls!
Tiger Woods’ Memorial Day Weekend Has Been Messier Than Yours (UPDATE)
And here I thought I was going to take the title of Trick Who Had The Most Pathetic Memorial Day Weekend by passing out in a plastic pool on the front lawn after getting drunk on vodka and Country Time lemonade by myself, but Tiger Woods has me beat. The Dramatic Fall of Tiger Woods just got a new chapter…
The Cheater Banner Bandit Strikes Again!
There is a "Cheater" banner flying over Tiger Woods at the U.S. Open
http://t.co/GPaL9owj7W pic.twitter.com/uL2twEeq2l
— SB Nation (@SBNation) June 18, 2015
Trust me, you don’t have to grab your 10x magnifying glass – that teeny-tiny banner flying behind that itsy-bitsy airplane does in fact say “CHEATER.” Then again, you probably already knew that if you’re the type who gets the warm fuzzies every time you sense that a cheater is about to get theirs.
Earlier this month, a single tear fell from our eyes and the words “It’s beautiful” escaped our lips when someone – NOT STEPHANIE MARCH – flew a banner that said “CHEATER” over alleged cheater Bobby Flay during his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony. Yesterday, another angel brought that beautiful “CHEATER” banner out of temporary retirement and flew it over the U.S. Open while confirmed cheater Tiger Woods was playing a truly shit game of golf. I’m sure Lindsey Vonn is typing up an “It wasn’t me!” statement as we speak.
Tiger allegedly sniffed around the all-you-can-pound sidepiece buffet while he was with Lindsey, so this could be her doing. But it could also be the work of one of the ladies he maybe cheated on Lindsey with. Maybe Tiger cheated on Lindsey with someone, and then he cheated on that someone with someone else. Then the chick he cheated on Lindsey with found out he was cheating on her. Cheatception!
Regardless of who was responsible for the “CHEATER” banner, one this is for certain: it seriously fucked with his head and made him play like Happy Gilmore during the Pepsi Pro-Am.
What are you DOING Tiger Woods??? https://t.co/YG8taYm4Df
— Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) June 18, 2015
“That flying golf club really brings back some memories” said Elin Nordegren.
Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Might Have Called It Quits Because He Was Cheating On Her
“That better be sweat glistening on your face, you coochie-chasing club-swinging ho” is what I like to imagine Lindsey Vonn was thinking while staring at Tiger Woods. Who knows? If the Daily Mail is correct, there’s a good chance she was. A “close friend” tells the Daily Mail that the reason one of boring’s favorite couples recently broke up is because he slipped his 5 wood into another hole (I know that makes zero sense, but golf metaphors are hard). The point is, I’m sure we’re all so absolutely shocked that a notorious cheater would get caught cheating. I’m shocked!
Apparently it happened after Tiger was eliminated from the Farmer’s Insurance Open in February. Tiger was super bummed out, so he decided to drown his sorrows in strange snatch. Unfortunately, he was about as discreet as a fart ripped during a fuck; someone spotted him with his one-night side piece, so he decided to confess to Lindsey that she’s basically his Elin Nordegren 2.0. But according to their source, it totally didn’t mean anything:
“Yes, Tiger cheated again. But it wasn’t with anyone special. He really wanted Lindsey to be the one. But he blew it again. He can’t help himself. He’s got an addiction. He relapsed. Knowing Tiger, he doesn’t even see it as cheating because there’s no romance or feeling there. It’s just a stress reliever, like a high-ball or two after a bad day.”
Usually when I want to relax after a long day, I crawl into bed with a box of red wine and listen to Ambien-voiced angel Bob Ross. But sneaking behind my partner’s back to fuck a stranger works too, I guess. At least there’s a clear pattern now; if you are a blonde woman whose last name ends with an N and you’re humping on Tiger Woods on a full-time basis and he starts to get a little stressed out, he WILL Calgon-take-his-peen-away to another pussy.
Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Are Over
Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.
Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:
“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”
Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”
Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:
“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”
This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.