The Situation Has One

Gym, tan, incarceration! As if the first round of charges wasn’t enough, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame has been indicted for even more alleged tax evasion! Gym, tan, pay your taxes like everyone else, meathead!

It seems like only yesterday that we were fist-pumping in the club in our Axe-infused Ed Hardy, bringing girls who make questionable choices back to the smoosh room, and repeatedly punching each other in the face (but not enough to beat each other into comas and end that awful ass show any sooner). Now, all we have is the federal penitentiary possibly looming (Snoop Dogg must be a prophet, 4:00 mark). The Situation might be a prison bitch! And it looks like his brother will be joining him.

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The Situation Is Facing Time In The Clink For Tax Fraud

Before we get into the latest stupid, dumb shit done by the pus-filled wart clinging to the Jersey Shore’s right ass lip, I have a very important question to ask. Is it just me or does that lady in the black’s right arm look like a big, cut dick thanks to her bra strap falling? I soooo would.

Juicy Joe from The Real Grifters Of New Jersey better save the top bunk in his cell for a fellow reality show skid mark, because The Situation has been indicted on two counts of filing false returns and one count of conspiracy. We already knew this, but The Situation has the brains of a broken duck phone, because he allegedly filed false tax returns from 2010-2012. The IRS says he pulled in $8.9 million during those years. NJ.com says that The Situation and his brother Marc (not the one he beat up in the family tanning salon) are accused of failing to pay taxes on money made by two companies they own. The prolapsed urethra and his brother allegedly fixed their returns to make it look like they didn’t owe the IRS any more money and they wrote off fancy cars and clothes as business expenses. The Situation didn’t file a return in 2011 and he apparently made $1.95 million that year. The U.S. Attorney in NJ released this statement:

“Michael and Marc Sorrentino filed false tax returns that incorrectly reported millions made from promotions and appearances. The brothers allegedly also claimed costly clothes and cars as business expenses and funneled company money into personal accounts. The law is absolutely clear: telling the truth to the IRS is not optional.”

The Shituation and his brother turned themselves in to authorities this afternoon and were released on $250,000 bail. His lawyers claim they’re not guilty. They will be arraigned on October 6th. If prosecutors go for the maximum punishment and he’s convicted, The Situation could get up to ten years in the chokey and get hit with $850,000 in fines. I was going to ask what the prison equivalent of GTL is, but I’m pretty sure it’s still GTL since every New Jersey prison cell is equipped with a tanning bed.

Besides the obvious, two other heinous crimes have been committed here:

1. That AXE-scented ass burp made $8.9 million in three years!

2. The year is 2014 and I’m writing about The Situation. Indict me for that shit.

Here’s The Situation leaving the federal court house in Newark today, if you care:

Pic: Splash

The Situation Got Arrested After Fist Pumping His Brother’s Face At Their Tanning Salon

Seen here serving up some ‘contemplative Munchkin cat-legged rent boy’ realness, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was arrested on Tuesday for sticking around long past his expiry date of 2012. NO! It was because the human version of nut sweat on a workout bench at the gym got into a fistfight with his brother, Frank Sorrentino.

According to TMZ, cops were called to the tanning salon they co-own in Middletown, NJ after a fight broke out between the two brothers over a business disagreement (“Frank! You forgot to order more Playboy Bunny tanning stickers!”). Police arrived to find The Situation sporting a bloody black eye rassling with Frank in the middle of Boca Tanning Salon, so they broke up the fight and arrested The Situation. He was booked for simple assault (too easy) and released on $500 bail. $500 for punching the shit out of someone in the middle of a tanning salon? Apparently getting arrested for assault in New Jersey costs the same as a fishing license.

This isn’t the first time an employee of Boca Tanning has called cops on The Situation: last week, the police were called to Boca because over bounced pay checks. Hmmm, something in the muscle milk ain’t clean. Oh, I know! It’s because it’s a business that’s run by a roided-up dum-dum former MTV reality star pill head. Dear employees of Boca: save yourself some time and put the number for the Middletown police on speed dial. You will be calling it often.

If you want to see a greasy talking boner, TMZ has a video of The Situation leaving the police station. My only question is: what in the fuck is with the giant scratches on his neck?? Is “Frank Sorrentino” the New Jersey alias of Lux the Cat?

Pic: Instagram

Hasn’t The Situation Done Enough To Pussies?

What in the Carrot Top meets a bottle of brown hair dye HELL is the meaning of this?

Just like The Situation’s roid acne, my retinas need an extra long scrubbing after staring at his new ad for Peta. Yes, that poor kitten is obviously traumatized from being pressed up against The Situation’s overcooked and HGH-filled veal cutlet, but it should be grateful. That’s not a terrifying vein on The Situation’s arm, that’s a worm that crawled out of that kitten’s ass. The Situation’s smug face scares worms out of pussies!

And all hate aside, this ad does deliver a very important message. You should definitely spay or neuter your Mike Sorrentino today.