The Situation Has One
Gym, tan, incarceration! As if the first round of charges wasn’t enough, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of Jersey Shore fame has been indicted for even more alleged tax evasion! Gym, tan, pay your taxes like everyone else, meathead!
It seems like only yesterday that we were fist-pumping in the club in our Axe-infused Ed Hardy, bringing girls who make questionable choices back to the smoosh room, and repeatedly punching each other in the face (but not enough to beat each other into comas and end that awful ass show any sooner). Now, all we have is the federal penitentiary possibly looming (Snoop Dogg must be a prophet, 4:00 mark). The Situation might be a prison bitch! And it looks like his brother will be joining him.
The Situation should change his name to The Fucking Mess, because he and his brother Marc Sorrentino are already up on charges of filing false returns and one count of conspiracy. Welp, why not continue to help out New Jersey’s Tourism Board by garnering more accolades from the feds for inept attempts at shady finances?
The 34-year-old Jersey Shore alum and his brother Marc Sorrentino were initially indicted in September 2014 for tax offenses and conspiring to defraud the United States after allegedly failing to properly pay taxes on $8.9 million in income. On Friday, the two were indicted on additional charges including tax evasion, structuring and falsifying records, as announced by Acting U.S. Attorney William E. Fitzpatrick for the District of New Jersey and Acting Deputy Assistant Attorney General Stuart M. Goldberg of the Justice Department’s Tax Division.
Honestly, between these two pinheads and Juicy Joe and his wife with the mystifying hairline, the state of New Jersey should just avoid being featured on reality television altogether. Television hasn’t been a good look for the state whose motto is “Liberty (HAH) and Prosperity” in the 21st century.
According to a statement obtained by PEOPLE, “the superseding indictment returned today includes new charges against both men. Michael is now also charged with tax evasion and structuring funds to evade currency transaction reports and Marc is now also charged with falsifying records to obstruct a grand jury investigation.”
The Fucking Mess’ lawyer is, of course, claiming that his client is not guilty. I’m not sure the “have you seen his abs?” defense is going to work on the judge in 2017.
An arraignment on the superseding indictment is scheduled for April 17 in Newark federal court.
“Michael Sorrentino will enter a not guilty plea on April 17, 2017, and will vigorously contest the allegations in court,” Sorrentino’s lawyer, Henry E. Klingeman, said in a statement to PEOPLE.
In New Jersey’s defense, Buzz Aldrin, Cory Booker, Judy Blume, and Hamilton favorite Aaron Burr are all from New Jersey. See – important, vital, intelligent people who never appeared on sordid reality television! (I’m avoiding mentioning that Kellyanne Conway is from New Jersey, because she’s a dummy and if our current administration isn’t the result of reality tv…)