A DUH From Tommy Girl: Katie Holmes Divorced His Ass To Get Suri Away From Scientology

During his deposition in his $50 million defamation lawsuit against Bauer Media (the publisher of InTouch and Life & Style), Tom Cruise admitted that he doesn’t see Suri face-to-face a lot, but he does talk to her on the phone almost daily and he would communicate with her telepathically but somebody removed the WiFi chip that he installed in her brain at birth. Tommy Girl is legally scrapping with Bauer over a June 2012 cover story about how he “abandoned” Suri the same way sanity and reason abandoned his brain after he joined those crazy alien whores in Scientology. Now, even more bits from Tommy’s September 9th deposition, which was made public, are coming out.

People says that Tommy admitted to not seeing Suri for 100 days after Katie quit his ass in 2012. Tommy blamed it on his work schedule and when asked why he didn’t take Suri to her first day of school, he said that she never brought up. Bauer’s lawyers also brought up Scientology and in a shocking turn of events, that didn’t make Tommy’s glib-detecting eyeballs fall out of his head. When Bauer asked Tommy if Katie left him because she wanted to get Suri away from his Church of Crazies, his E.T. butt plug popped out of his ass a bit as he said:

“Listen, I find that question offensive. I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

Okay, so Bauer’s lawyers rephrased the question as Tommy tried to use his powers of telekinesis to drop a ceiling tile on their heads. They asked if Scientology was one of the reasons why Katie dropped divorce papers on the bobbing head of one of his male slaves (she wanted to drop the papers on his lap but that bobbing head was in the way). Tommy answered with:

“Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes. There are many other aspects to the divorce.”

Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy if Scientology considers Katie as a Suppressive Person (aka an enemy of L. Ro’s):

“That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”

Damn that crazy bitch is in deep. I bet Bauer’s lawyer sat back and silently wondered, “Should Suppressive Person or Religious Doctrine be the name of my weekend band?” I bet that everybody in the room could hear the Thetans on his anus screeching in burning pain as his throbbing ass lips burned up over that question. Oh, to be a Thetan on Tommy’s body (not his b-hole) during that deposition. Bitch sounds wound up and more insane than usual. Somebody give him a Xanax and tell him it’s just a really weird looking piece of barley.

Radar says that in the lawsuit, Tommy’s lawyers also accused Katie and the people around her of leaking stories to the tabloids and calling the paps for photo-ops with Suri. Tommy’s publicist Amanda Lundberg says that Katie’s friends, makeup people and publicist Leslie Sloane passed stories to InTouch to make him look like a shit dad and make her look like a wonderful mother. Amanda claims that an editor friend told her that Katie’s business partner Jeanne Yang was one of the main leaks and constantly gave the tabloids stories. Amanda also accused Katie’s people of having the paps on speed dial:

“[Katie’s publicist] calls the paparazzi every time K gets ready to leave the building as the doormen are always surprised how they suddenly show up when she is about to leave.”

Tommy’s people brought up the time when InTouch ran a story about how Katie was upset because Tommy wasn’t there on Suri’s first day of school. Amanda says that Tommy was filming in London and never promised to take Suri to school on her first day. Amanda asked Katie’s people to put out a statement saying that shit is a lie, but she got crickets and tumbleweeds back.

Oh, how I wish this deposition was live streamed on the Internet, because I’ve been missing my daily dose of legal theatrics ever since Lindsay Lohan kept her fuck ups on the down low and has managed to break records by not getting into trouble. It sounds like Tommy put on a terrifying show!

What I got from the pieces of the deposition I read is that Tommy somehow managed to not see Suri for 100 days straight even though he’s got a fleet of hovercopters and teleporters in his garage. And what I also got from this is that Tommy’s publicist is kind of mad that Katie’s team is using their “call the paps to get a photo-op with Suri” move. That’s THEIR move, thankyouverymuch.

Suri Has A Wonderful Relationship With Skype Daddy Cruise, Thank You Very Much

The hits just keep on coming for Tom Cruise.

First, Nicole Kidman broke the news that he was never the love of her life, forcing Tom to wipe his tears and blow his nose between the meaty butt cheeks of John Travolta in the audit room of their Church (the Sciento version of motor boating).  Then, Tom had to roll up the sleeves of his GapKids oxford shirt and bring the power of Xenu down upon a few tabloids, who dared suggest he has abandoned his daughter, Suri, leaving her to be raised alone by Katie Holmes.

Radar (via The Daily Mail) says Tom is suing the publisher of Life & Style and InTouch magazines for $50 million after the magazines ran covers saying he dropped Suri like she asked him to go get ice cream with the gays after divorcing Katie.

‘I have in no way cut Suri out of my life – whether physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise,’ Tom declares in the documents obtained by Radar.

He also wrote: ‘While I’m sure my daughter misses me when I am not with her (as I miss her), she is a very happy child, and we have a wonderful relationship and cheerful phone calls.’

In the documents, the 51-year-old cites specific times following the June 2012 divorce when he saw his eight-year-old daughter in the flesh.

Tom states in the declaration: ‘Even during the times when I was working overseas and was not able to see Suri in person, we were (and continue to be) extremely close.’

But Tom, who was last photographed with Suri in August 2012, says his schedule did not have an adverse effect on his relationship with Suri in any way.

He declared: ‘As my numerous emails with Suri’s mother during this time period demonstrate, I was a constant presence in Suri’s life.’

Oh, so it’s “Suri’s mother” now, is it? The Artist Formerly Known As Kate must be thrilled he’s dropped his power play bullshit with her name. I’m kind of bummed this isn’t taking place in an actual courtroom. I’m sure Tom never passes up the chance to grin that toothclopsy grin and yell, “You can’t handle the truth!!”

Those phone calls do sound really special, though. Suri probably loves being best girlfriends with Skype Daddy Cruise when she’s not throwing a tantrum somewhere or telling her mom what to wear. Finally, he has someone to giggle with while he doodles hearts around David Miscavige’s name in his diary and starts a Slam Book on Leah Remini. Suri can tell him what heels to wear to elongate legs legs and shut him down if he tries to hit the pool dressed as an 80’s aerobic instructor again. It sounds spectacular and magical, just like Suri!

(Photo: Wenn.com)

If Only Suri Cruise Was Really Launching Her Own Fashion Line For Kids

The Sun says that international fashion icon Suri Cruise has signed (or scribbled) a $2.3 million deal to start her own fashion line for children called Suri. Since this is coming from The Sun, then the chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of Tommy Girl twirling out of the Scientology closet and becoming a spokesperson for GLAAD and the head pharmaceutical rep for the makers of Prozac. But I wish this was made of organic truthiness.

The Sun says that Suri’s fashion line will hit New York department stores first and if toddlers with their own credit cards buy it all up, the plan is put the line into department stores across the country. Some source (aka The Sun’s intern who was forced to come into the office on a bank holiday) said, “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes. She has been through a very difficult year and adapted amazingly to her new life in New York, including the upheaval of starting normal school. This is a nice hobby for her, it’s certainly not going to take over her life. Most girls dream of being able to make their own clothes, this just means her drawings will now become a reality. It’ll be interesting to see how it pans out, there’s nothing around quite like it.”

The world really, really does need a Suri Cruise fashion line. Suri has probably stopped trying to help Katie Holmes, because that homely, raggedy thing is a lost cause (see pictures of Katie Holmes looking like a homely, raggedy thing last month), but maybe she can help others be a more fashionable them. There are so many toddlers out there looking a damn mess. You don’t know how many times I see a toddler out there in sweats, t-shirts, sneakers and normal kid clothes that every normal kid should wear and think to myself, “How could they crawl out of the house looking like that?“

So we really do need Suri to teach the children of the world how to dress. The Sun’s article is fiction, but hopefully it turns into fact and Suri puts out a line of $500 kitten heels and daddy & me matching skinny jeans (in the same size!).

Meanwhile, Blue Ivy Carter is down in her studio, drooling out sketches of one-of-a-kind couture gowns for toddlers of the half percent. Making off-the-rack clothes for kids is so GAUCHE!

What Did Tommy Get Suri Cruise For Christmas?

Suri Cruise gets to spend the Christmas holiday with her daddy and that’s good news for her, because Tommy Girl is actually fun. Unlike strict ass Katie Holmes, Tommy lets Suri do whatever she wants like slap the maids for serving her hot cocoa two degrees too hot, slap the Christmas tree for getting too dry too fast and slap Tia John Travolta for eating all of the frosted fruitcake. Also, Katie probably got Suri a bunch of cheap boring gifts like educational toys, sneakers (so she can walk on her own more, BOO) and peasant clothes from Old Navy. Tommy knows what Suri really likes, because apparently this Christmas he got her a pony and a mansion! Eat it, Veruca Salt.

The incredibly reliable and not-at-all-fictional news source Grazia Magazine (via ShowbizSpy) says that on Christmas morning, Suri Cruise will open a box holding the key to her new $13.5 million mansion in Upstate NY. Some source (aka the intern at Grazia who is mad that they had to stay in the office during Christmas break) says that Tommy bought Suri a pony and the pony can’t possibly live in Katie’s Manhattan apartment, so he bought his daughter a house. (Side note: Tommy is the same size as a pony, is just as loud, always has accidents on the floor and Katie lets him inside of her apartment. So why wouldn’t she let a pony live there?)

The source says that Suri has so many toys that don’t fit in Katie’s apartment, so Tommy is hoping she can keep them in her new mansion. The source put it like this:

“Tom is determined to make this the best Christmas ever. Obviously there isn’t anywhere to keep a pony at Katie’s apartment, so this place is ideal. It also has space for her toys, many of which have been in storage since Katie quit their LA mansion.”

When Katie’s mad, she’ll scream at Suri, “Go upstate to your multi-million dollar mansion, young lady!” and that just feels right. It also feels right that Suri is the girl version of Richie Rich. I’m sure Suri’s new mansion is actually a giant Scientology-made spaceship that will take her to her mother planet when Earth implodes, but whatever, she’s still got her own place! Take that, Blue Ivy Carter.

Speaking of BIC, Suri Cruise probably thinks she showed her up, but all that will change on Christmas Day when we all find out that Beyonce and Jay-Z bought Blue Ivy the island territory of Guam.

Here’s Katie and Suri in NYC this morning and Tommy leaving Letterman last night. Tommy’s sweater, button shirt and undershirt can’t contain his sweaty hotness.

Don’t You Dare Call Tommy Girl A Bad Dad

Tommy Girl is slipping on his suin’ heels and practicing saying “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!” in the mirror, because he has thrown a $50 million lawsuit at the company that publishes Life & Style and InTouch for saying that he abandoned Suri Cruise. You can make fun of Tommy on South Park and he won’t threaten to sue (yes, he will). You can say that you and him gargled on each other’s peens and he won’t sue (yes, he will). You can say that he tortured Stepford Katie and he won’t threaten to sue you (yes, he will). But if you say that he made Suri cry into her heels, he will sue you!

TMZ says that Tommy’s lawyer, Bert Fields, told Life & Style and InTouch to issue apologies and say that they lied, but after they didn’t, a lawsuit fell into their laps. Life & Style claimed in a July issue that Tommy is a dead beat daddy and has barely had any contact with Suri since Stepford Katie found the key to her locked brain hidden in his dildo drawer and left him forever. InTouch basically said the same thing. Tommy says they have defamed him, and usually he’s into getting defamed all over his face and ass because he’s into that sort of kink, but he’s not into it this time. Tommy wants justice. Bert put it like this:

“Tom is a caring father who dearly loves Suri. She’s a vital part of his life and always will be. To say he has ‘abandoned’ her is a vicious lie. To say it in lurid headlines with a tearful picture of Suri is reprehensible. Tom doesn’t go around suing people. He’s not a litigious guy. But when these sleaze peddlers try to make money with disgusting lies about his relationship with his child, you bet he’s going to sue.

These serial defamers are foreign owned companies with their global headquarters in Hamburg. They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage. Having to pay a libel judgment may slow them down.”

“Tom doesn’t go around suing people”? That sounds like an interesting fairytale I’d like to read. “They take money from unsuspecting Americans by selling their malicious garbage“? Hmmm…that sounds familiar.

Tommy does have a point and I’d show you that point, but Tommy’s all lubed-up and sitting on it right now. No, the point is that Tommy is a lot of things, but he’s not a shit father. Who do you think taught Suri how to work a pair of heels like a fierce diva? Who do you think taught Suri that walking is overrated? Who do you think taught Suri that the best way to get what you want is to start pounding on the floor while crying loudly (Fun fact: It’s how Tommy gets most of his movie roles)? Those are all very important life lessons and they were all taught by Tommy. Give the crazy little man bitch some credit.

Anyway, here’s Katie Holmes walking Suri Cruise to school the other day. I can’t tell if Suri’s mad in the face from having to go to school or if she’s mad because that mean ass Katie is making her use her legs to walk. Tommy would never.

“Ewwww, Yes, She’s Totally Wearing ANOTHER Pair Of Fug Boots!”

As Katie Holmes searches the sky for Scientology spy UFOs (that look like this) that are tracking her every move, Suri Cruise had a kiki with Daddy Girl or maybe she’s calling Blue Ivy Carter to make fun of the golden child for wearing kicks with poor people diamonds (aka rhinestones) on them instead of rare polished kidney stones pulled from a pink dolphin.

Before you throw an “I can’t even look at you anymore” at Suri for talking on what could be an ancient artifact from one week ago called the iPhone 4, let me educate you on some shit. Suri would never put hear ear on an iPhone 4. Suri won’t even talk on the phone with a trick who is talking on an iPhone 4. Suri can tell, because she can hear the poor in their voice. Suri isn’t even talking on an iPhone 5 here. That’s an iPhone 7! They don’t even sell it on the black market in Japan and there’s not even a prototype for it. That’s how forward Suri is.

And will the state finally step in and issue Katie a mandatory uniform since she obviously isn’t capable of dressing herself. Who throws a dog blanket, some studded matador pants and elf boots on the bed and says, “This it the look!” Katie’s not knowing ass does, that’s who. Bitch looks like she was just kicked off of the Trail of Tears by her tribemates, because they were too embarrassed to be seen with her looking like she just fell out of Chico’s ass. This is a Chico’s kind of BARF.