A DUH From Tommy Girl: Katie Holmes Divorced His Ass To Get Suri Away From Scientology

During his deposition in his $50 million defamation lawsuit against Bauer Media (the publisher of InTouch and Life & Style), Tom Cruise admitted that he doesn’t see Suri face-to-face a lot, but he does talk to her on the phone almost daily and he would communicate with her telepathically but somebody removed the WiFi chip that he installed in her brain at birth. Tommy Girl is legally scrapping with Bauer over a June 2012 cover story about how he “abandoned” Suri the same way sanity and reason abandoned his brain after he joined those crazy alien whores in Scientology. Now, even more bits from Tommy’s September 9th deposition, which was made public, are coming out.

People says that Tommy admitted to not seeing Suri for 100 days after Katie quit his ass in 2012. Tommy blamed it on his work schedule and when asked why he didn’t take Suri to her first day of school, he said that she never brought up. Bauer’s lawyers also brought up Scientology and in a shocking turn of events, that didn’t make Tommy’s glib-detecting eyeballs fall out of his head. When Bauer asked Tommy if Katie left him because she wanted to get Suri away from his Church of Crazies, his E.T. butt plug popped out of his ass a bit as he said:

“Listen, I find that question offensive. I find it, those statements offensive. Like with any relationship, there are many different levels to it. You know, I, I find it very offensive. There is no need to protect my daughter from my religion.”

Okay, so Bauer’s lawyers rephrased the question as Tommy tried to use his powers of telekinesis to drop a ceiling tile on their heads. They asked if Scientology was one of the reasons why Katie dropped divorce papers on the bobbing head of one of his male slaves (she wanted to drop the papers on his lap but that bobbing head was in the way). Tommy answered with:

“Did she say that? That was one of the assertions, yes. There are many other aspects to the divorce.”

Bauer’s lawyers asked Tommy if Scientology considers Katie as a Suppressive Person (aka an enemy of L. Ro’s):

“That is a distortion and simplification of the matter. I don’t want to just give an oversimplification of religious doctrine.”

Damn that crazy bitch is in deep. I bet Bauer’s lawyer sat back and silently wondered, “Should Suppressive Person or Religious Doctrine be the name of my weekend band?” I bet that everybody in the room could hear the Thetans on his anus screeching in burning pain as his throbbing ass lips burned up over that question. Oh, to be a Thetan on Tommy’s body (not his b-hole) during that deposition. Bitch sounds wound up and more insane than usual. Somebody give him a Xanax and tell him it’s just a really weird looking piece of barley.

Radar says that in the lawsuit, Tommy’s lawyers also accused Katie and the people around her of leaking stories to the tabloids and calling the paps for photo-ops with Suri. Tommy’s publicist Amanda Lundberg says that Katie’s friends, makeup people and publicist Leslie Sloane passed stories to InTouch to make him look like a shit dad and make her look like a wonderful mother. Amanda claims that an editor friend told her that Katie’s business partner Jeanne Yang was one of the main leaks and constantly gave the tabloids stories. Amanda also accused Katie’s people of having the paps on speed dial:

“[Katie’s publicist] calls the paparazzi every time K gets ready to leave the building as the doormen are always surprised how they suddenly show up when she is about to leave.”

Tommy’s people brought up the time when InTouch ran a story about how Katie was upset because Tommy wasn’t there on Suri’s first day of school. Amanda says that Tommy was filming in London and never promised to take Suri to school on her first day. Amanda asked Katie’s people to put out a statement saying that shit is a lie, but she got crickets and tumbleweeds back.

Oh, how I wish this deposition was live streamed on the Internet, because I’ve been missing my daily dose of legal theatrics ever since Lindsay Lohan kept her fuck ups on the down low and has managed to break records by not getting into trouble. It sounds like Tommy put on a terrifying show!

What I got from the pieces of the deposition I read is that Tommy somehow managed to not see Suri for 100 days straight even though he’s got a fleet of hovercopters and teleporters in his garage. And what I also got from this is that Tommy’s publicist is kind of mad that Katie’s team is using their “call the paps to get a photo-op with Suri” move. That’s THEIR move, thankyouverymuch.