Tha FUCK Is On Tara Reid’s Feet?

SOMEONE is in serious need of a gay in their life. Here is the original Lindsay Lohan (sans the criminal record that reads like the Iliad) Tara Reid, moon-walking the WRONG way through Paris with a mystery man on her arm and a severe case of WHAT. The. Fucking. Fuck. on her feet. What is going on there exactly? Is that duct tape?

Those fUGGs look like the Terminator had sex with my third grade galoshes, and that is some sick shit that I don’t want to think about ever again. I don’t know whether to re-attach my car bumper with them (it’s a rural southern US thing, shut it) or wrap them around a baking potato. NO. I’m so messed up by her dire shoe situation I can’t even bother caring about who the new trick is. Okay, you’re right, I wouldn’t have cared anyway, but my point is that shit is distracting.

Other than the Dollar Store dented Tin Can rejects, I have to say Tara is looking pretty decent-ish here. Of course, I’m using her St. Tropez visit a couple of weeks ago as a yard stick so, basically I mean she’s standing erect and not looking like Beer Bloat Barbie.

She needs a couple of buckets of KFC and a six pack of Guiness Extra Stout (“A 6 pack? Of what, cases? What the hell are you talking about?” – Tara), but other that that she looks sober and happy. I kind of have a soft spot for her. Us drunk hoochies have to stick together, you know.

Nick Jonas Got Himself A New Piece

With The Silver Fox and Frank Ocean coming out in the same week, professional beards everywhere are shaking out of fear that this will inspire closeted queens to also come out and then their jobs will be in danger. But you can always count on tricks like Joe Jonas to keep the beard economy alive! Joe traded his usual partner in struttin’, this hot piece right here, for a new ho (literally, a new ho, but I’ll get to that later) and the two of them walked around in Manhattan the other day with his parents and his brother Nick Jonas. How and when did Nick Jonas go from looking like a meek, weak toddler bird to looking like THIS? Dude used to look like a Twinkie without any cream filling and now he looks like a   hot dog puffing up in the microwave. And I am not trying to look at Nick Jonas’ bulge, but it’s kind of hard since you can almost see the outline of his purity cock ring.

Now, back to Joe’s latest rent-a-beard. I approve of her for one simple fact. Her name is:

NATASHIA HO!

She had me at HO.

Who Made The Hos Salivate More?

The men all paused when Seth Meyers walked into the room at last night’s CFDA Awards in NYC wearing the “slutty, preppy pilgrim in mourning” look Marc Jacobs wore to the Met Ball last month. We’ve got a good old-fashioned fashion off! Bitches, take your corners and get ready to strut to the death.

Marc Jacobs: Marc gets a grand total of zero points, because even if he’s giving sass, he ruined the whole look with those blinding white boxers. Unless he’s wearing piss-catching panties underneath those boxers, imagine all the shaking he had to do at the urinal to keep his peen from leaking on those shorts. VPS (visible piss stains) bring out the Kardashians and nobody wants that.

Seth Meyers: Seth gets all the points, because he did this as a joke and even if he didn’t do it as a joke, he has the nipples to pull it off.

So Seth Meyers wins! Now can we drop that entire tragic ensemble into Anna Wintour’s witch cauldron so we don’t have to ever see it again?

Strut, Pout, Put It Out!

Now that Joe Jonas is living in New York City, the city should really designate parts of the sidewalk as “The Joe Jonas Only Lane,” because hos need to get out of the way when he busts out his signature swish sway strut. Naomi Campbell who? Joe and a hot friend sashayed and shante’d through SoHo yesterday afternoon and time stood still when everyone dropped their sunglasses to gaze at the strut show while men in business suits sang out, “Whoooooooooo’s that laaaaadaaaaaaay?” Joe’s pearl diggers (Do you really think he’s digging clams in that outfit?) tell me that he wanted to keep his ankles free to really make each step pop!

No Joe Jonas strut show is complete without a theme song, so press play and get your snappin’ fingers ready:

“Honey, don’t stop a speeding train before it reaches its destination.” It’s like 1980s Sheena Easton was a visitor from the future and thought about Joe Jonas’ strut when she sang out that lyric. No truer words have ever been sung.

This Is The Look: Emma Roberts At Coachella

Everybody who was at Coachella’s second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton’s charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone’s skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here’s Eric Roberts’ daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens’ed out!

If you’re thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her “tube top lost in a fight against a shredder” shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don’t like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you’re doing it wrong.

And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.

A Double Shot Of Elegance

Organic beauty collided with natural glamour at the Rockit Masquerade Ball at XL in NYC last night when the world’s first supermess Janice Dickinson touched her collagen-filled labia lips next to fully functional mannequin goddess Amanda Lepore. Janice Dickinson is this generation’s Jane Russell and Amanda Lepore is this generation’s Marilyn Monroe (sorry, LiLo) and so if you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes through a crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see. Or is if it you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes while high on crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see? I get confused.

The heat from the lights threatened to turn Janice and Mandy into one giant puddle of melted beef jerky, silicone, liquified porcelain, red rubber and candle wax, but they kept thrusting because the show must always go on.

If you want to know what a Jell-O mold looks like in heaven, get on this NSFWBWAYWAAPTFUGBLT (Not Safe For Work But Why Are You Working At A Place That Frowns Upon Glorious Beauty Like This) link to see Mandy’s exquisitely sculpted chest domes.