To Fap Or Not To Fap: Adam Driver And Oscar Isaac Having An Intimate Moment On The Red Carpet

Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.

Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.

But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.

I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.

Pics: Wenn.com

C-3PO, You Kinky Bitch!

It’s been a really good week for the makers of It’s A Fap! Star Wars-brand lube. First, the nerd boners stood straight up when Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford  kissed each other during the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel at Comic-Con last Friday. Then, GQ gave the human-on-droid fanfic community (don’t tell me there isn’t one, there totally is) some jack off material by publishing a cover picture of C-3PO finger banging Amy Schumer’s joke hole while she’s dressed up as Slave Leia. C-3PNO! You don’t know where that mouth has been (and Amy doesn’t know where that finger has been.)

Amy’s interview with GQ won’t be released until Monday, so for now all we have are the pictures and cover. Speaking of that cover, I feel like I’m looking at a concept art for a live-action prequel to Toy Story that is directed by Terry Richardson, takes place in the 1980s and stars a Cabbage Patch Doll and a Star Wars action figure.

C-3PO’s finger isn’t the only thing that went into Amy’s mouth. That’s the tip of the iceberg. She also stuck a lightsaber in there. If every picture tells a story, then Amy’s shoot with GQ must be the untold tale of Princess Leia’s slutty half-sister whom you can find banging droids in the bathroom of the Mos Eisley Cantina. Yes, there’s also a picture of an implied threesome between Amy, C-3PO, and R2D2. Amy, I know you can “catch a dick” whenever you want, but an astromech droid? Come on girl, have some standards.

Pics: GQ

As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Here’s What The Nerds Will Be Obsessing Over Today

In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.

Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.

Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.

Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.

Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:

Pics: Vanity Fair

Lupita Nyongo’s Going To Be In Star Wars 7

The entire Internet collectively did the slow wall slide of sadness and warbled out a tornado of woe when the cast for the cinematic Viagra for nerds, Star Wars VII, was announced and Lupita Nyong’o’s name wasn’t mentioned. But the producers righted that wrong today when they announced that Lupita Nyong’o will be in it. Also, if you were outside today and a splatter of extra chunky white bird poo landed on your forehead. That wasn’t bird poo. It was nerd jizz falling from the sky, because it was also announced that a chick from Games of Thrones joined Star Wars VII, which is shooting right now.

Lupita Nyong’o joins the recently announced cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. This year, her breakthrough performance in 12 Years a Slave earned her an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. Gwendoline Christie, currently starring in the hit television series Game of Thrones as Brienne of Tarth, has also been cast in the production. She can next be seen in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2.

“I could not be more excited about Lupita and Gwendoline joining the cast of Episode VII,” says Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. “It’s thrilling to see this extraordinarily talented ensemble taking shape.”

This is the best move that Lupita could ever make, because now she’s set up for life thanks to Comic-Con MONAY! Lupita’s career could crash and burn, but she’ll forever be able to pay the mortgage on her condo, because a nerd will always gladly pay her $30 to sign her character name in Aurebesh on his right tit. And Gwnedoline Christie is in GoT, Hunger Games AND Star Wars. Triple whammy! Her children’s children’s children are set up, because the nerds will be making it rain hurricane on her for years to come.

Here’s Lupita at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Liberty State Park yesterday.

Adam From Girls Is Going To Be In Star Wars: Episode VII

In case you didn’t recognize him since he has a shirt on and doesn’t have Lena Dunham’s stuffed pancake tits pressed against his chest, he’s the one in black high waters in the back.

After weeks upon weeks of every name from Zac Efron to Lupita Nyong’o being tossed around as a possible cast member of Star Wars 7, the main cast was finally announced and a picture of the read-through was posted on StarWars.com. Some of the original hos like Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, C-3PO, Chewbacca and R2D2 are coming back and they’re joined by Adam from Girls, Oscar Isaac from Inside Llewyn Davis, John Boyega from Attack the Block, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, MAX VON FUCKING SYDOW and Daisy Ridley.

Their character names haven’t been released, but the rumors say that Adam from Girls is playing the villain, John Boyega is playing a Jedi apprentice and who knows who that Daisy girl is playing, but whatever role she is playing Lindsay Lohan will definitely claim that she was soooo clooose to getting it.

They start shooting in a couple of weeks and the planet will be drowning in nerd jizz when it comes out December 18, 2015.

Two things:

1. FOR WHERE ART THOU, BILLY DEE WILLIAMS?!!!!

2. Max Von Sydow better be playing his Flash Gordon character Ming the Merciless, because Star Whores is in dire need of eyebrows shaped like the profile of a business woman’s Easy Spirit pump.