Wait, Liberace’s Ghost Is In The New “Star Wars” Movie?

Or is that Walter Mercado? If that’s Walter Mercado in his big-screen debut, then let me find a credit card with some room on it, because I need to buy my ticket from Fandango now!

Millions of nerd Underoos are probably covered in dried yellow spots this week and it’s all because of two things. First, the nerds learned that one day soon, they may be able to meet their dream girlfriend (aka ScarJoSexBot) and second, the trailer for Disney’s latest Star Wars movie was jizzed onto the Internet early this morning. The trailer really should’ve been a shot of a Disney executive stroking millions of dollars out of C3Po’s dick, but they decided to show scenes from the actual movie instead.

Star Whores: The Rouge One (Side note: Star Whores: The Rouge One would be a perfect title for a Harald Gloockler biopic) doesn’t come out until December, but there’s a law in Hollywood that states that every big-budget blockbuster must release at least 4,567 trailers before it comes out. So Disney has to get busy.

The Internet tells me that Star Wars: Rogue One takes place sometime between Star Wars: Episode III and Star Wars: Episode IV. Sarah Michelle Gellar look-alike Felicity Jones is the lead of a cast that also includes Mexican hot piece Deigo Luna, Ben Mendelsohn (aka the train wreck brother from Bloodline), Forest Whitaker, Mads Mikkelsen, Genevieve O’Reilly and Alan Tudyk.

Apparently, the fierce and fabulous imperial bitch in the white cape is Ben Mendelsohn. There better be a scene where Ben shows us the secret to how he keeps his whites so blindingly white while walking on dirty water and fighting tricks.

Luke Skywalker Might Be Gay… If You Think He Is

In a galaxy far, far a gay, I mean away, there was a hero. A young man who faced his darkest fears and changed the fate of the worlds. And maybe kissed on men. If that’s what you want to believe. Mark Hamill, the actor that plays Luke Skywalker – I’m clarifying because there is a shocking number of people that have not seen Star Wars – has said that if people want to think that Luke is gay, then they should raise a rainbow flag, because he is. To them.

Mark spoke to The Sun (via NY Post) and said, “fans are writing and asking all these questions: ‘I’m bullied in school . . . I’m afraid to come out.’ They say to me: ‘Could Luke be gay?’ I’d say it is meant to be interpreted by the viewer. If you think Luke is gay, of course he is. You should not be ashamed of it. Judge Luke by his character, not by who he loves.” Honestly, kudos to him. The character arc for Luke doesn’t hinge on him being gay or not, so it’s not brought up and there was no romantic storyline for him either. This is a pretty classy way of addressing something that clearly means a lot to a lot of people as well as going with the flow of the more diversified world of Star Wars.

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George Lucas Came For Disney During An Interview With Charlie Rose

Sorry, I should have been more clear; he came for the Disney corporation, not Walt Disney himself. Although the mental image of George Lucas cussing out the ghost of Walt Disney in a parking lot while Mickey Mouse shouts “Get him, Walt! Whoop his ass!” from the hood of a car isn’t the worst thing my brain has thought up today.

George Lucas’ interview with Charlie Rose happened on the 25th, but since we all spent Christmas day in a turkey coma (we = me, and anyone else who mainlines gravy), we’re not getting to it until today. However, I think you’ll consider it was worth the wait in the event you really wanted to kiss goodbye to 2015 with a story about a jowly old billionaire reading Disney to filth.

Since I’m pretty sure there’s a journalism law that says you can’t interview The Father of Star Wars without asking him about the newest Star Wars movie, Charlie Rose brought up Star Wars: The Force Awakens. And guess what? George didn’t like it. According to George, Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a “retro movie” and a cash-grab that pandered to the fans. George says that if George was still in charge, his idea for Star Wars: The Force Awakens would have been to make it “completely different, with different planets, with different spaceships, make it new.” But George couldn’t do that because George sold the Star Wars franchise to the house of mouse back in 2012 for $4 billion. Although as you’ll hear around the 2:00 mark, he uses a completely different nickname for them.

“The white slavers“? Oh boy. Somewhere on Naboo, George’s best pal Jar Jar Binks is like “Err…meesa don’t know him.”

You can watch all 55 minutes of Salty George’s interview here. Or if you’d rather be the one saying “This is such a crappy cash-grab” for 55 minutes, skip George’s interview and watch the first 55 minutes of the Star Wars holiday special instead.

Hayden Christensen Says Being In Star Wars Made Him Want To Quit Hollywood

And just like that, the My Life Got Shittier After The Release Of The Star Wars Prequels club gets its newest member. Following in the footsteps of Jake Lloyd and Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen is calling out Star Wars for ripping a stinky fart on his career. During a recent interview with the Los Angeles Times, Hayden admitted that there was a reason why you went from seeing his dumb face everywhere to seeing it only when you searched the words “10 Worst Characters in Star Wars” on the internet. According to Hayden, he didn’t think he deserved to be famous, so he pulled an Irish Goodbye on Hollywood.

“I guess I felt like I had this great thing in Star Wars that provided all these opportunities and gave me a career, but it all kind of felt a little too handed to me. I didn’t want to go through life feeling like I was just riding a wave.”

“You can’t take years off and not have it affect your career. But I don’t know – in a weird, sort of destructive way, there was something appealing about that to me. There was something in the back of my head that was like, ‘If this time away is gonna be damaging to my career, then so be it. If I can come back afterward and claw my way back in, then maybe I’ll feel like I earned it.'”

Hayden didn’t retire from Hollywood completely; after Star Wars II and III, he made a couple films (like the trashy treasure Factory Girl). He recently slipped into some Sears catalog dad drag and tried to tip-toe back in with 90 Minutes in Heaven.

I wonder who will be the next to grab the mic and spit out some hot, sad truth about those Star Wars prequels? $20 says it’s Jar Jar Binks with an op-ed piece in the Naboo Sun-Times complaining about how the only acting work he’s gotten since Star Wars was an appearance in a promotional video for a herpes drug and a late-night commercial for a Gungan phone sex hotline.

Pic: Lucasfilm

Carrie Fisher Would Like You To Shut Up About How She Looks In The New Star Wars

I haven’t seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens because I’m too busy working my way through my annual Catwalk marathon. But apparently one of the things fans are getting their banthas in a twist about is that (SPOILER ALERT!!!) Princess Leia no longer looks like the Princess Leia from 32 years ago. Maybe Princess Leia’s face looks different because Luke keeps using the last of her La Mer and replacing it with some cheap shit from the Galactic Empire’s version of CVS. Or maybe it’s because Carrie Fisher is 59-years-old and we should all lay the fuck off. If you ask Carrie Fisher, she’ll probably tell you it’s the second one.

Life legend and mother of legend-in-the-making Gary Fisher hopped on Twitter yesterday to swat at all the future Hell-dwellers (I’m pretty sure shitting on Carrie Fisher guarantees you a one-way ticket) who kept running their mouths about how old she looks and how she hasn’t aged well. RUDE! Really though, what were they expecting? A 30-years-old Princess Leia to show up with her face pulled tighter than BB-8’s ball?

Please stop debating about whetherOR not👁aged well.unfortunately it hurts all3 of my feelings.My BODY hasnt aged as well as I have.Blow us👌🏼

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 29, 2015

My body is my brain bag, it hauls me around to those places & in front of faces where theres something to say or see pic.twitter.com/T2TXiEyl17

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 29, 2015

Youth&BeautyR/NOT ACCOMPLISHMENTS,theyre theTEMPORARY happy/BiProducts/of Time&/or DNA/Dont Hold yourBreath4either/ifUmust holdAir/takeGarys

— Carrie Fisher (@carrieffisher) December 30, 2015

I’m not sure what “air” Carrie is talking about, but I’m going to assume she means Gary’s farts. With that being said, “Hold my dog’s farts” is totally my new “Go fuck yourself.”

Carrie recently admitted that she was pressured to replace her meals with water-flavored air in order to slim down before shooting Star Wars: The Force Awakens, so really, it sounds like no one wanted Carrie Fisher to look like Carrie Fisher. Apparently no one got the memo that not everyone in the Star Wars universe ages backwards like forever-sexy goddess Sy Snootles (although if we’re being honest, she totally had her lips done).

Pic: Splash

Shock Of All Shocks: Star Wars Is Going To Make A Buttload Of Money This Weekend

That’s great news, because if anyone deserves a solid-gold doggy spa filled with Snausages and gravy, it’s international treasure and former Hot Slut Gary Fisher. And now Carrie Fisher can finally splurge on such an expensive luxury item, because her bank account is about to explode harder and faster than all the nerds did on opening night.

In the event you’re an alien who just moved here from a planet that doesn’t receive WiFi signals from Earth, or you’re an Amish teen on Rumspringa, a movie called Star Wars: The Force Awakens opened on Friday, and it has already made enough money to pay for Jabba the Hutt’s excess skin removal surgery five times over. Deadline says that as of Saturday morning, movie people have estimated that SW:TFA will make somewhere between $246 million and $254 million, which would be an all-time record opening. Jurassic World is the current opening weekend record holder, with $208 million.

It’s beating a bunch of records too. Deadline says SW:TFA is now the highest-grossing opening day film ever, beating out former #1, Harry Potter 8. Disney says that Star Wars made $120.5 million on Friday, $100 million of which was made in the first 20 hours of its release. To put that into perspective, that’s 10 Aloha opening weekends, or roughly 75 Jems. So basically, Star Wars: The Force Awakens is the Adele of movies.

To be honest, I’m SHOCKED that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has made such little money. $254 million? That’s nothing! This is Star Wars we’re talking about, and a legitimate Star Wars (sorry, Jar Jar). I’m more surprised that it wasn’t able to pass the trillion-dollar mark. Did die-hard Star Wars fans not quit their jobs and give 60 days notice on their apartments two months ago so they could move into the movie theater and watch Star Wars 2,800 times in a row like I assumed they would? Hang your head in shame, you should.

Pic: Splash