JLo Can’t Be Bothered With American Idol Anymore

Before JLo got the American Idol job, she was headed straight for Dancing with the Has-Beens, a county fair tour with Martika (JLo wishes!) and she’d eventually end up performing as a Selena impersonator at office holiday parties. American Idol put that bitch and her heffalump ass back on top and now that she’s there she doesn’t have to pretend to care about a bunch of brats whose farts sound better than her natural singing voice.

A source tells UsWeekly that JLo doesn’t even have time in her busy schedule for American Idol anymore. JLo is going to tour the country with Enrique Iglesias, is working on a new album, has a couple of movies in the works and has to train Casper Smart to not shit in the tub while they’re having romantic bubble bath times. The source explained, “There is too much going on for her right now. She regrets she can’t stay on the show. It’s been an incredible experience and she is forever grateful that she did it.“

Can I get a “bitch, please” because it’s so obvious what JLo is trying to pull here. If there’s one thing JLo loves more than Casper Smart slathering her ass with Baby Oil while telling her that she’s got the most magnificent ass in the game, it’s money, bitch. American Idol paid JLo $20 million last season to be completely useless and she’s obviously trying to get a raise. I can’t fault JLo for being a greedy, money-eating whore who puts diamond water in her enema tube. I’d do the same thing. But don’t try JLo’s move with your boss. If you tried to get a raise by telling your boss that you just don’t have time for your job anymore, the only thing you’d get is an empty cardboard box to put all your cubicle decorations in.

In Case You Missed It, JLo And Her Paid Piece On American Idol Last Night

On last night’s American Idol, JLo moved the hell out of her lips while twerking her shit with a chorus of John Travolta’s wet dreams. JLo wouldn’t be JLo if she didn’t shove her piece into our eyes, and so Casper Smart got a starring spot. Casper twirled out, grabbed on JLo’s ottoman pouf ass and the two practically swallowed each other’s breaths. It looked like an interpretive dance of a seal eating a duck (you decide which is which). I think I speak for the Dragon Tales Twins when I say: “GROSS, MOM! STOP!”

I sort of like that JLo is humping on one of her dancers, because it probably creates serious backstage drama. Showgirls isn’t just a movie. It’s LIFE! I bet Casper gets his own dressing room, a later call time and doesn’t have to eat brown rice and vegetables with the other dancers. Bitch gets it special. I wonder which one of the dancers grabbed Casper backstage and shouted at his ass, “You fuck her for the spot? Or you fuck her cause you wanted to?”

via The Daily Mail

Posh Sounds Like A Really Exciting Dinner Date

Posh (seen here looking like an extraterrestrial Ruth Bader Ginsburg), David Beckham and their chirruns all spent the holiday weekend with testicle-faced Gordon Ramsay, and if UsWeekly is telling the truth, she probably only nibbled on plain Easter basket grass at dinner. A source tells UsWeekly that on more than one occasion, Posh has only ordered the guinea pig special at restaurants. One source said that at Il Pastaio in Beverly Hills last month, Posh only ate arugula with no dressing. Yes, Posh is that ho saying she’s full after sucking down a blade of dry grass while you’re sitting there chewing on a delicious piece of steak fat like it’s bubble gum. (You really haven’t had a delicious meal until you’ve tried to blow a steak fat bubble.)

Why does Posh even bother going to restaurants if she’s just going to chew on greenery? The only reason to go to a restaurant is to eat delicious foods you can’t order from takeout. The rest of the experience sucks. You have to put on pants and listen to strangers at the next table talk about their lives. Posh should’ve just stayed home and licked on the fern in her front yard.

Posh said recently that she doesn’t have an eating disorder and I don’t think this story proves that she’s telling lies. However, I do think this story proves my suspicions that she’s a fucking bunny rabbit. I bet her poops roll.

Some Hos Will Never Learn

The long zoom to JLo’s bottle of scented culito water isn’t the only obvious product placement in her video for “Dance Again.” JLo is also whoring out her relationship with her bought bitch Casper Smart and is getting her money’s worth. This mess starts out with JLo squirming around with glitter all over her body (Twilight bukkake), then she rolls around in the most one-sided boring ass orgy ever (it’s like if JLo’s overinflated ego split into two dozen entities to solely worship her) and then she dance humps on her Dewey Duck looking boyfriend. I know, this not how you wanted to spend your Good Friday.

Any dude dry thrusting on JLo’s Goodyear doody bubble ass off camera should know that eventually he’s going to do it on camera too. They’ve all done it. Cris Judd? Did it. Diddy? Did it. Skeletor? Did it. Ben Affleck (apologies for bird feeding your brain with the chewed up painful memory of Bennifer)? Did it. We all know how those turned out. So it’s only a matter of time before we see Casper Smart with a sad on his face as he stares out of the play center window after JLo doesn’t pick him up. But in the meantime, JLo and Casper are still making beautiful and natural memories together by partaking in photo-op after photo-op.

Here’s JLo taking her daughter and two sons to see the Easter Bunny at The Grove in L.A. yesterday afternoon. I can’t wait to go on Awkward Family Photos and see the picture of Casper Smart crying out scared tears while sitting on the Easter Bunny’s lap.

Anne Hathaway Is Starving Herself For Les Miz

When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn’t straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It’s because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson’s pantry.

The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself “WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)” and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, “Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she’s been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It’s not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do.”

I’m pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I’d have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn’t feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.

QOTD: Dr. Drew Thinks Angie Jolie Is Malnourished

On The View yesterday morning (click here to see that mess, try to ignore Pimp Mama Kris), Dr. Drew, who holds a PhD in fame whoring, finally broke his silence on the state of Angie Jolie’s nutrition and said that he can no longer keep his mouth shut about the health of a skinny trick he has never treated. Dr. Drew is so good that he can diagnose a bitch through pictures and by reading reports in the highly credible medical journal we all know as UsWeekly. Dr. Drew is obviously the only doctor anybody listens to, so he’s letting it be known that he thinks Angie is dangerously close to shriveling away until the only thing that’s left of her is that attention whore right leg (because it’s going to haunt us forever).

“It’s another condition where, I saw that, and I spoke up about it on my HLN program, because I felt I had to. I am tired of keeping quiet about this stuff. When I was quiet about the prescription drug use and everybody started dying, and now I feel an obligation to speak up. She’s malnourished. She has the stigmata of malnutrition. There are reports, Us Weekly reported she was doing it to make a statement about the kids in Africa that she was working with that didn’t have a chance to eat. Who knows what the reason is. I just see malnutrition there and we shouldn’t look at that as an ideal of beauty is what I’m saying. She’s a beautiful woman, but she needs to be better nourished.”

“I’m tired of keeping quiet!” – Dr. Drew

“We’re tired of you NOT keeping quiet!” – The World

Dr. Drew is supposed to be the greatest doctor since Dr. Quinn and the best shit he can come up with is that Angie Jolie is malnourished? Anybody who isn’t a member of a thinspo journal can see that Angie’s got pencil dick arms and needs to take an eatin’ tour or twenty with Jessica Simpson. Dr. Drew is Dr. DUH. But you know, maybe the wise words of the all-knowing Dr. Fame Whore had an effect on Angie (no, they didn’t), because here she is at McDonald’s with Brad Pitt today. Dr. Drew is so going to take credit for Angie sniffing two McDonald’s fries instead of one.