Faces Of Mess

It’s sort of fitting that Anna Wintour’s head is positioned right over Sienna Miller’s crotch, because I’ve always pictured Sienna’s vagina as a snarling boil with soul-nibbling eyes who growls at anything that doesn’t resemble a stick. No, that dude Sienna Miller is throwing “please pet me” eyes at is not Teen Wolf’s dad. It’s Sienna’s current boyfriend Tom Sturridge who sat with her in Anna Wintour’s box (yes, I see what I did there) at the French Open in Paris yesterday.

Where the hell is an extra-strength detangler and an iron brush when you really need them, because this picture is where Scraggly goes when it needs to find itself. They all look like they call Riff Raff their leader. A mess.

And how is Sienna going to go from Jude Law to a dude who uses Rogaine as a face moisturizer? From one extreme to the next. Well, I guess I’d have hearts in my eyes too for a dude who could exfoliate my taint while he licks on my genitals.

Sienna Miller Likes What She Sees

I was going to write a post about how Sienna Miller is giving her bull dozer vagina the spring off to fuck around with totally single and unmarried Tom Sturridge, but then I came across this picture of her moistening her chops at the sight of Gandalf’s behind-the-counter goods in London yesterday. Or maybe she’s excited because she’s thinking about all the homes she can barge into with that motorized scooter. Yeah, it’s definitely that.

FINALLY! Sienna Miller Is On The Prowl Again!

The stroll has been aching to hear the roar of Sienna Miller’s bulldozer vag and wives have been sleeping a little too soundly lately, so it pleases me to learn that things between her on-and-off again piece Jude Law are set to off again. Don’t bother declaring a CODE: LOCK UP YER HUZBANDZ, because Sienna can pick a lock with her clit and sniff out precious metal dust on a wedding finger from miles away.

A friend of Jude Law tells People that there wasn’t any kind of scandal involved with their break-up and their relationship simply ran out of breath, stopped and walked over to the bleachers to take an indefinite nap. Jude’s rep confirms that Sienna is no longer licking the skin triangles on his head.

Thank the homewrecking slut gods for this. Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes’ homewrecking game is just pathetic and Blake Lively’s acts of ho shit are laughable. It’s like they’re all still taking classes at a Montessori school and Sienna is teaching the MASTER CLASS at fucking Harvard. Seasoned Sienna is finally back and I’m sure she’ll be better than ever once she squirts a little WD-40 on her rusty parts and gets things going again. I really can’t wait to see which dude will star in the next episode of Sienna’s Extreme Makeover: Homewrecker Edition. Move that bus!

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Dear extra from Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead, You can finally put on that outfit you stole from the costume department and rock that shit proudly like Sienna Miller did in France yesterday. Who cares if those pants make your labia look like the size of one of Jabba the Hutt’s chins. Who cares if bitches start singing “Does your puss hang low? Does it wobble to and fro?” when you walk on by. Who cares if those pants are the color of week-old salmon tartare. If it’s good enough for Sienna….

And speaking of hos dressing like high school students from the early 90s, I’ve also thrown in some pictures of RiRi in Paris

“How We Survived Whoreicane Sienna”

Balthazar Getty and the mother of his 4 chirruns, Rosetta Getty, are back together and making their marriage work after he publicly took a wild ride on Sienna Miller’s bull dozer vagina back in 2008. In case you didn’t read the Book of Balthazar in Sienna’s homewrecking bible, Balthazar dropped his wife and kids to to join Sienna’s worldwide whore tour for about a year. Sienna made all us shameless skanks proud when she smugly smiled for the paps while grabbing onto Balthazar’s claimed crotch with her titties out. It was a crowning achievement for the homewreckers of the world!

There were rumors that Sienna kept trying to snatch off Balthazar’s wedding band with her claw crane cooch, but he wasn’t interested in getting divorced from Rosetta. Eventually, Sienna went off to another victim and Balthazar was left sitting in the middle of the wreckage with a new itch on his dick lips and loneliness in his heart. So he ran back to his wife who left the door to their house wide open. Balthazar tells Harper’s Bazaar (via Page Six):

“Here’s the bottom line: It was a very challenging time for everybody involved. But I loved and missed my family too much not to make it work. [Wife] Rosetta is understanding enough and spiritual enough to let us try.”

Meaning, Rosetta understands that Getty money is better when you’re still married to a Getty and she saw the light several times while fucking on her own side-pieces while Balthazar passed the peen to Sienna. That’s exactly why Rosetta is throwing a “Yup, I got mine” look in the picture above.

My slut hero Sienna Miller is the real winner here, because she no longer has to wake up to Balthazar’s untamed and malnourished brows every day.

And This Is Why I Love Sienna Miller

So I’m staring at this picture of Sienna Miller with Jude Law on a yacht in Ibiza and trying to figure out what exactly she’s doing. Maybe she’s telling everyone about how she was open mouthed shocked when she first laid eyes on Balthazar Getty’s teeny peeny. Or maybe she’s telling them that the back alley plastic surgeon who did her wonky tit job saved her some money by shoving the implant into her chest via her froat. But no, none of those make sense.

The simple truth is that Sienna is talking about sucking dick. There’s no other logical explanation. If this was a question on a quiz, answers a, b, and c would all read: Sienna Miller is demonstrating a beej. And that’s why I can’t hate Sienna even though she has temporarily retired from the slut game. I also can’t fully hate her because of shit like this:

Although, this is probably not what it looks like. Jude is just trying to see if that sock he lost earlier is in there.