Things That Have Returned To Jude Law: Sienna Miller & Hair

Former gold medal homewrecker (her medal has since been revoked) Sienna Miller showed up to that Met Testicle thing last night with her on-again boyfriend Jude Law. This was their first event as a couple since they got back together for like the millionth time. Sienna wore navy, but she should’ve worn black to mourn her whory days as one of the hardest working sluts on the stroll. I know that every time I see a picture of Sienna with Jude, I throw the black lace veil my abuelita got me over my head and light a patron saint jar candle. The recession has finally hit Sienna’s vagina.

Speaking of follicle-less dry spots, what happened to Jude Law’s puzzle piece hairline?! It has magically been filled in. Usually Sienna Miller’s touch causes every strand of hair to fall off, but the opposite has happened to Jude! Chi chi chi chia! It’s magic!

But I’m guessing that the pubic hairs from Jude Law’s dick bush simply migrated north to his head to escape Sienna’s pussy. That’s all.

It Could Be Worse….

Here’s former homewrecking slut hero Sienna Miller leaving some store in West Hollywood yesterday with her current full-time fuck partner Jude Law. Oh, how Sienna Miller continues to disappoint us sluts with no morals. Not only is her vagina still carousing with an old piece, but she actually agreed to be seen in public with a dude wearing flip flops with a shiny suit?!

Jude looks like a greasy French gigolo who smells like coconut oil, foreskin fromage, Binaca, cigar ash and saltwater crust. I bet he’s wearing a spandex leopard thong under his suit.

With all that being said, Jude (who might be wearing a fluffy merkin on his head) gets a pass this time, because at least he’s not wearing condom socks.

Well, What Do We Have Here…..

It turns out the rumors are true. Jude Law snatched up three of his four kids and went off to Barbados to spend some time with his partner in homewreckery Sienna Miller. Jude and Sienna are spending their days frolicking on the beach with the kids, and spending their nights sucking the sand crabs out of each other’s fuck parts. SCRAGS BITCHES!

Sienna has always been a personal slut hero of mine, so it is a little disappointing seeing her go back for fourths and fifths of Jude Law’s peen. But I do understand. Bitch is just getting hers. However, I do hope she’s protecting her ovaries from Jude’s potent sperm. One of those needy baby things would slow down her slut game. That would be tragic.

Speaking of protection, does Rogaine make sunscreen? Jude should look into that if he hasn’t already.

Technical Damn Difficulties

As I was downloading these pictures of Sienna Miller in Barbados, my internet and cable TV both packed up their shit and left me at the same time. THAT SLUT SIENNA MILLER! I was rooting for her ass until she did me wrong by using her bull dozer vagina to wreck the happy home I share with Time Warner! Bitch stole my main man right out from under me! That is a low blow, Sienna. Which is probably what she did to get Time Warner to leave me since I don’t do that shit with him (he’s been around).

Anyway, Time Warner says they are “working on it,” but you know that dance. They are probably eating a five-course breakfast at the local diner while watching a bootleg copy of Avatar on their portable DVD player. In the meantime, I’ve put a Ethernet cable up my dog’s culo and he’s sitting on the roof with a wire hanger attached to his head. So…my connection is a little Jessica Simpson-ish right now.

And I’ll also be checking out early, because I’m flying back to the land of Double Doubles and road rage for the holidays. I know, I know. You can file an official complaint with my weekday supervisor Spaghetti Cat.

Sienna Miller Disappoints Me

Sienna Miller has cum full circle and I don’t like it. You know, I was fine with Sienna Miller giving Jude Law’s penis an encore. Sometimes, a slut’s vagina just needs to reminiscence with old friends. This, I understand. But Sienna isn’t keeping it at that. No, The Sun claims Sienna is about to make Jude her live-in dick. Why must the master slut shame us so?!

Some source explained it like this: “Last week they put the wheels in motion to live together again. They have told staff that they are in love and will be moving back to London in the spring and they will be living together as a couple once again.”

What makes this especially hurtful is that Jude didn’t know if he was ready to make Sienna his full-time fuck partner again. Sienna CONVINCED him. Thinking about Sienna on her knees, using her mouth to beg Jude to move in with her instead of using her mouth to lick on his peen lips is like a karate chop to my soul.

How is Sienna’s bull dozer vagina going to destroy happy homes when she’s got a b-b-b-b-b-b-boyfriend under her roof?! Sienna, think of your reputation.

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

Jude Law and Sienna Miller are both doing acting shit on Broadway at the same time, so we were all waiting for the moment they would be seen rubbing all over each other in public. Well, the time has come (no pun intended). Star Magazine says that Jude and Sienna spent their Thanksgiving sucking pizza sauce out of each other’s mouths at Emporio restaurant in NYC.

Some source said, “They were offered a private table in the back, but Jude and Sienna turned it down. They had no problem flaunting their love right in the middle of the restaurant. They definitely looked like they were head-over-heels for each other. They came in holding hands and kept touching each other and kissing throughout the entire meal. They only had eyes for each other!”

This is probably just a case of Sienna’s vag catching up with an old friend: Jude Law’s dick. Their parts bumped into each other, shared a few laughs, had a few lube-tinis, barfed on one another and then went their separate ways again. Sienna was just taking a trip down memory peen. Because at the moment, I think her bull dozer vagina still belongs to Balthazar.