The Last Movie In The “Divergent” Series Could Go Direct-To-Television

Just like the insanely successful franchise The Hunger Games, the Divergent films were based on a series of young adult novels about a girl rising up and fighting an evil government in a world where people have names like “Tris” and “Four.” But unlike The Hunger Games, people sort of lost interest in paying $15 (plus popcorn) to watch Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort running around in depressing future times couture. And now there’s a chance the only way to find out what happens to Shailene and Ansel will be to watch it on TV.

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Open Post: Hosted By Zoe Kravitz Serving Up Caught In The Net Messiness

I almost typed “methiness.” That works too.

I’m also with Theo James (the dude in the poster). When I look at Zoe Kravitz’s hair, I too don’t know if I want to slather it with soy sauce and take a huge bite out of it since it looks like an overstuffed spicy tuna roll. Or slather it with lube, pat my b-hole thrice for good luck and bounce on it.

Last night was the NYC premiere of the second movie in the Divergent series, the franchise that is the Rita Ora to The Hunger Games’ RiRi. Nearly everybody showed up looking a wreck (see the fuckery in gallery). Maggie Q came dressed as a bordello-owning villainess who wears the scalped hair of her victims on her dress. Dylan McDermott wore the half-assed Neo from The Matrix costume that every dude wore in 1999. And Shailene Woodley somehow managed to make one of Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral-going pantsuits look dull and boring. But Zoe Kravitz was the biggest wreck of them all. Leave it to Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet’s daughter to show those hos how messiness is really done.

If the Gorton’s Fisherman did a line of goth stripper clothes for Frederick’s, that ensemble on Zoe would be the crown jewel of his collection. Zoe is kind of like a walking sex party. You can use her hair as a dildo, her dress as a sex hammock and those fringes as whips. Whenever you make assholes and coochies pucker with your hairstyle, you won the night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Shailene Woodley Might Have Just Out-Shailened Herself

Shailene Woodley, seen above looking like the Designer Imposters version of Kristen Stewart, has confessed some pretty WTF stuff in the past, but she recently outdid herself. During a recent interview with Nylon (via UsWeekly), Shailene was asked what the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was. Knowing what I know about Shailene (which is entirely TOO DAMN MUCH, if I’m being honest), I’d guess the strangest thing she’s ever eaten was either someone’s aura, but no. It was bugs. And she didn’t hate it:

“I’ve eaten ants and that was great. And June bugs, that was great. I think the future of food is in insects, so we’ll see what happens.”

Literally the only way that could have gotten more Shailene-y is if she had added “Did you know that drinking a tea made from organic whisperroot and grasshoppers will cure a blocked chakra? It’s true, a shaman told me in a dream I once had.”

Full disclosure – one time I watched a science show (truth: it was a science show for kids) and they showed that bugs had something like 10000x more protein and iron than regular meat and that bugs and that bugs were plentiful and we should be eating them. Then they tricked a bunch of kids into eating with spiders and crickets baked into it, and of course they were like “Yum! More please!“, but I was skeptical. If I can tell it’s not butter, then I think I could tell I was eating Charlotte and her babies. Then again, don’t we eat like 400 spiders in our sleep every night? I think I heard that on the same show.

Shailene Woodley Says There Are More Important Things To Talk About Than What She Thinks About Feminism

About a year ago, TIME magazine asked spiritual millionaire Shailene Woodley if she considered herself a feminist, to which she answered with a long-winded thing about sisterhood and loving men and something something basically she said no. Shailene later confessed that she took a bit of shit for it and sort of Bye Felicia‘d all over the haters.

Obviously Shailene was done with that mess, but I guess Nylon didn’t get that memo, because during a recent interview with the backseat mistake baby of Kristen Stewart and The Lorax, they asked her to explain exactly why she told TIME that she doesn’t identify as a feminism. And not shockingly, Shailene wasn’t into it:

“The reason why I don’t like to say that I am a feminist or I am not a feminist is because to me it’s still a label. I do not want to be defined by one thing. Why do we have to have that label to divide us? We should all be able to embrace one another regardless of our belief system and regardless of the labels that we have put upon ourselves. I mean, if we spent as much energy focusing on the genocide that’s going on right now in parts of Africa as we spent on that one article, think about what we could accomplish.”

Shailene’s response sounds like the one I usually receive whenever I talk about how deeply upset I am that Skittles decided to change the green one from lime to green apple, and it’s usually accompanied by a Bitch, are you seriously complaining about candy? stank face.

But when will these tricks learn that trolling Shailene Woodley for her thoughts about feminism is getting sort of boring? Duh, of course she’s going to use 120 words to say she’s not into it. Instead, they should be trolling her for more stoner-sounding vaguely holistic hippie shit, like the benefits of drinking bone water. Can you even imagine the gold mine you’d hit if you opened an interview with “So Shailene, I’ve heard moonlight can cure a UTI…thoughts?”

And in case you were looking at that Nylon cover and wondering when Shailene Woodley turned into the greasy IT guy from your office, here she is looking more like herself at the New York premiere of Divergent: Insurgent on Monday night:

Pics: Wenn.com

Shailene Woodley Almost Passed On Being A Franchise Movie Star

During a recent interview with The Guardian, human incense stick Shailene Woodley confessed that there was a Sliding Doors-style moment in her life that almost kept the organic farmer’s market version of Jennifer Lawrence from being a thing that exists. According to Shailene, pre-Divergent Shailene thought she was too good for that big-budget studio shit, so she turned down the role of Tris in Divergent when it was offered to her. However, her mother clearly came from the Click Clack School of Making That Money, because she convinced her to take it:

“I had said, growing up as a child actor, that I’d never be a part of a big studio franchise, because I never wanted that sort of recognition around the globe. I liked doing smaller roles and I really just love acting because I like being on a movie set and that’s it…ultimately my mom said, ‘Well, Shai, you’re about to say no to this opportunity because of the budget on the film. If this was an independent film, would you say yes?’ And I thought I would say yes, because I love Tris and I do love the storyline and the themes involved within this particular book.”

Somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell (aka Calabasas), Kris Jenner just judged the shit out of Shailene’s mom for raising a child that would turn down an opportunity to be rich and famous. Speaking of Satan’s sluts, Cosmopolitan says that during the London premiere of Divergent: Insurgent, they asked Shailene to show her “best Kylie Jenner selfie face”, to which she replied:

“I have no idea who that is. I’m sorry.“

How perfectly Mimi of you, Shailene! My eyeballs are SO confused, because for the first time ever, Shailene Woodley has said something that didn’t immediately make them start violently rolling into the back of my head. Although they do appreciate how shady Shailene was; the only way her answer could have been any better would be if she had said “I’m sorry, but I believe that imitating a face trademarked by Abyss Creations would be a violation of some kind of copyright law.”

Here’s more of Shailene working some slutty Carol Brady couture at the German premiere of Divergent: Insurgent with Theo James:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Shailene Woodley Has Moved On From Drinking Clay To Drinking Bone Broth

Shailene Woodley, the sage-scented stoner-sounding human that was created by letting the DNA of Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart ferment in a mason jar of kombucha, is a fountain of WTF-worthy advice. Yesterday we all got second hand baked out of our skulls while trying to understand Shailene’s explanation of how she falls in love with someone else, and now she’s back to offer us yet another health tip. Watch out, Dr. Oz – once she starts talking about poop, you’re officially out of a job.

Some of Shailene’s past health tips included making your own medicine (note: as someone who once tried to make their own home-made cough syrup, DON’T) and eating clay, and she recently told MTV News that her latest health obsession is bone broth. “Bone broth” sounds like a clever euphemism for what you get when you jack-off a chef, but Shailene’s bone broth is actually just a drink made from boiling animal bones in water. Exactly, it’s soup stock – she’s making soup stock.

According to Shailene, bone broth is “the shit“. Or maybe she meant to say it will give you the shits, because as anyone who has ever chugged too much chicken soup stock knows, greasy animal water + sensitive butt holes = no bueno.

I make soup stock all the time, so I get cramming a food-grade animal skeleton into a pot with water and onions. But like Octavia Spencer says in the video above, you need to put noodles in that shit. Otherwise you’re just eating salty bone water. Salty bone water isn’t a food! It’s just a vessel for delicious noodles.

Here’s the Simi Valley version of Dr. Steve Brule at the Copenhagen premiere of Divergent: Insurgent yesterday with her co-star Theo James, a dude who looks like the test tube baby of Tom Green and James Franco:

Pics: Splash