Category: Satan Wears Crocs
Open Post: Hosted By Balenciaga’s Croc Stilettos
Balenciaga warped reality when they released some kind of Crocs collaboration on their runway in 2017. It was sick and strange and somehow they’ve outdone themselves. Balenciaga has once again teamed up with Crocs to create a shoe and this time they have twisted the powers of creation to form an unholy stiletto Crocs heel and a Crocs rain boot. The Crocssenaissance continues!
Open Post: Hosted By The Hidden Valley Ranch Collab With Crocs
No one expects Satan’s footwear of choice to really give a damn what gross, tasteless anti-art gets slapped over it in the name of fashion, and today’s installment of “Crocs really fucking needs to stop because my innards are imploding at the thought of any of this hideous, hole-punched crap tainting my feet” just confirms what we already know: We’re doomed and this vile lump of projectile barf with an ankle strap will sell out in seconds.
And how do we know this? History. Grim, regret-drenched history. There was the pink, wedge-heeled choice from Balenciaga; the atrocity designed by Post Malone that looked like a parade of anemic bug carcasses after an exterminator had a go at them; the hunger-abating hate-fuck with KFC that resembled deep-fried coyote penises; and more recently, the fast-acting, sartorial emetic that was Justin Bieber‘s second round of factory-extruded hatred with a rocking motion. And now there’s a collab between Hidden Valley Ranch and Crocs.
Gen Z And Justin Bieber Have Helped Crocs’ Stock More Than Double
Well Gen Z has finally found a way to make me side with the Boomers on something, CBC reports that Crocs have made a comeback. The hideous foam shoe which I accept on people in high-stress fields where they walk around a lot and spend time on their feet but almost no one else, has seen a surge in popularity during the pandemic and stock prices have more than doubled. Screw Bitcoin and NFTs, time to invest in Crocs!
Open Post: Hosted By Justin Bieber’s Latest Evil Alliance With Crocs
Since Satan is as bored AF as we are during this pandemic and hates our guts in general, he’s been repeatedly summoning Justin Bieber. Biebs is currently at the ominous age of 27, but Satan hasn’t been summoning him for that reason.
Yesterday we learned that Biebs’ cell phone quit his whiny toddler ass, though Biebs tried to spin it as his own decision. Before that, we were forced to look at his pre-pubescent boy bits as two doomed makeup artists with therapists on speed dial sprayed over his badly tattooed ode to Jesus and Animal Planet. Today’s story involves Biebs once again working with those who are in charge of foisting Crocs on polite society. No good can come of either party individually, but this is a straight-up crime.