Scientology Will Try To Recruit Russell Crowe In 3..2…

Today’s edition of “Things You See When You’re High On Drugs” is brought to you by Russell Crowe’s UFO sighting. Russell Crowe and his friend set up a camera at his office in a suburb outside of Sydney called Woolloomooloo, because they wanted to get pictures of fruit bats flying out of the botanical gardens. When Russell and his friend looked at the pictures, they saw something that’ll make  John Travolta and the other alien-loving queens at Scientology cream out their weight in panty pudding. Russell and his friend swear on the bong they smoked from that what they saw is a UFO.

It looks like a flare from a lens to me, but after Russell Crowe shared this on Twitter and some of his followers said the same thing, he set us all straight (well, even Shauna Sand’s precious pearl of a pussy couldn’t make me straight, but you know what I’m trying to say).

UFO? Time Lapse Photos Outside RC’s Woolloomooloo Office (THESE ARE REAL!)

Canon 5D, No Flash, can’t be a lense flare because it moves , camera is fixed

It’s not a video it is 3 time lapse photo’s taken in 4.5 seconds

I will grant you at the time the music wasn’t playing, also, yes, we have pushed in on the frame..this is 3 photo’s in order, nothing added

Either this is a viral ad for Canon and Russell is their new spokesdude or Russell can’t handle his booze, because he mistakes tail lights for flying macaroons (it kind of looks like a glowing macaroon, right?) when he gets drunk. But in Russell’s defense, if I was an alien, the first place on Earth I’d visit would be a place called Woolloomooloo.

via Buzzfeed

Random Couple Alert: Dita Von Teese And Russell Crowe

The New York Post says that for the past few months, Russell Crowe and Dita Von Teese have been flirting with each other on Twitter (Side whisper to Russell Crowe: Your ass is way too seasoned to be flirting on Twitter.) and he’s re-tweeted some of her sexier (for lack of a better word) tweets. After doing hours of research on Twitter (read: five seconds of research on Twitter), I couldn’t find any of Dita’s tweets that Russell re-tweeted, but I did find a tweet where he linked her Enigma knock-off of a music video. Watch it on mute if you need to watch it. Anyway, some source says that Russell and Dita aren’t just flirting on Twitter, he’s also ripped off her garter belt with his teeth a few times.

Russell broke up with his wife of 9 years last October and has been dipping into semi-famous coochie after semi-famous coochie since then. Russell supposedly did it with Billy Joel’s ex-wife Katie Lee (he denied it) and now he’s apparently getting it on with Marilyn Manson’s ex-wife. The Post’s source says that last month, Dita and Russell stayed at the Four Seasons in Manhattan together and even got a couple’s massage at 6:30 am.

There’s really nothing more romantic than lying to next Russell Crowe as a massage therapist sprinkles flour on him and kneads his body into a ball. But seriously, this was probably just a quick fuck for the both of them. Russell just couldn’t go through life without knowing what it’s like for Dita Von Teese to smear her baby powder make-up all over his man titties while motorboating him. And Dita hopped on Russell’s bloated slug dick, because she’s still trying to scrub the Marilyn Manson out of her twat.

This IS The Look: Anne Hathaway’s Dress At The London Premiere Of Les Misérables

Let’s take a moment to recognize the “Bitch, did the try hard evil spirit of Lea Michele temporarily possess your body?” side-eye that Anne Hathaway is throwing at Amanda Seyfried.

Anne Hathaway took a moment from going on and on about how she starved herself by only eating oatmeal jerky to play a singing, dying hooker and she put on a hot dress to pose at tonight’s London premiere of Les Misérables (aka the movie you’ll recommend seeing on Christmas Day, which will make one of your relatives scream, “I don’t want to read no movie with subtitles!”).

When Anne puts on a fancy dress for a premiere or whatever, she usually looks like she’s in the middle of devising a devious scheme to take down Supergirl or planning to crash Amanda’s wedding in Moldavia, and I can appreciate that. This dress looks like an extra fancy, pearl-encrusted maxi-pad with WINGS! I love how Anne has to lift her arms to show off those wings and it doesn’t seem like she feels stupid while doing so. Bitch is committed! I even love that it looks like she’s farting out a ruffle.

Here’s more of Anne Hathaway looking like an 80s comic book villainess while posing with Amanda Seyfried, Hugh JackMeOff, Russell Crowe and Samantha Barks.

Is There Something In The Water??

Doesn’t anyone stay together anymore?? As a two-time loser in the getting married department, I’m all for just shacking up until you’re tired of picking towels and dirty underwear up off the bathroom floor and bitching about toilet seat placement, then kicking their annoying dirty ass to the curb. But once you put a ring on it, you’re supposed to try to deal with all of that shit till death do us part. I know, I’m a total hypocrite, but I’m in good standing with all of the far right sanctity of marriage people. Okay I should really re-think that.

So, the latest person to join me on the ever growing list of vow breakers is Russell Crowe. Sydney Confidential says that he and his wife of 9 years Danielle Spencer have hit the skids. Danielle is currently in Sydney with their two children, 8 year old Charles and 6 year old Tennyson and Russel is in the US filming Noah, and there is speculation that his grueling work schedule is at the root of it all. There are no details except that the split is amicable and that their main concern is protecting their boys. By “amicable” I think they mean he probably didn’t split her face open with a cell phone. So that’s nice.

I hope it really is just long work hours and Russell didn’t come down with the same can’tkeepitinhispantsitis that afflicted Danny DeVito, but if that’s what happened at least it makes some sense this time. I would pour one out for their union, but I live in a blue state and on Sunday that’s a no-no. Maybe tomorrow.

Thank you Swallows!

This Would’ve Never Happened To The Real Noah

There’s a good reason for why Russell Crowe looks like Bill Murray slowly morphing into Rob Reiner. Russell’s salty, pepawfied ass is playing the title role in Darren Aronofsky’s Noah and they’re currently shooting on Long Island. On Saturday afternoon, Russell to a break from playing an animal hoarder and went kayaking in Huntington Bay, New York with his personal trainer. Russell is obviously better at throwing phones than navigating, because they got lost and had to paddle to the nearest shore when the sun went down. Then at around 10pm, the U.S. Coast Guard were making their rounds when they heard Russell cursing out the sea for being a dumb bitch before throwing a phone (he made out of sand) at it. The Coast Guard picked Russell, his friend and their kayaks up and saved the day. But Russell totally denied on Twitter that he was lost (uh huh):

not lost,we knew where exactly where we were, paddling around from csh into wind, we ran out of day. Grand adventure eh @chris_feather ?

There are two things I learned from this: 1) It is possible for Russell Crowe’s ass to be the least hottest bitch in a picture. Dude looks like one of the Country Bears at Disneyland. 2) I hate any physical activity (besides eating foods and fapping), but maybe kayaking isn’t so bad. Because then you can get lost at sea and saved by Coast Guard dudes who look like that.

Twelve years ago, I’d tell you that Russell Crowe getting saved by hot Coast Guard dudes sounds like the beginning of a really good gay porn, but now…not so much.

Oh, and if you live on Long Island and are wondering why Donna D’Errico is wandering around, it’s because bitch is looking for Noah’s Ark.

via USWeekly 

The Les Miz Trailer: Anne Hathaway Sings!

Les Misérables doesn’t come out until Christmastimes, but Universal is giving the hungry theater queens a quick Q-Tip tap in the form of this first trailer. In the trailer, Anne Hathaway coughs out a few slightly weak musical notes before we see a raggedy Hugh Jacksmen (who still looks cleaner than Brad Pitt) as the bread stealer, Russell Crowe as Javert, Amanda Seyfried as Cosette, Eddie Redmayne as Marius and Samantha Barks as Eponine. You know, I used to be one of those hating bitches who felt like the ghost of Donny Hathaway would make a better Fantine than Anne Hathaway, but this trailer has sort of changed my mind. Bitch isn’t supposed to sound all polished and pretty. Bitch sold her hair and is wearing fingerless gloves. You would cry through the musical notes too if you looked like a Brooklyn hipster going to a backyard barbecue. Bitch is dreaming of a shower and a gift certificate to Supercuts so she can fix that busted, jagged ass haircut. It’s a tragic story.

That being said, I still wished this movie starred Susan Boyle as Fantine, a bunch of stray cats as the other roles and Epponnee-Rae from Kath & Kim as Eponine.