Is It Okay To Yell At A Stranger’s Screaming Toddler? What If Pancakes Are Involved?

We’ve all had to deal with screaming babies or toddlers whose parents don’t try to shush them up. Even though a non-stop crying baby scrapes four layers off of my nerves, I’ve always tried to keep it together and not lose it, because I don’t want to be known as the ice cold cunt who made a kid cry more. (I can’t believe I typed that last part. I don’t know myself anymore.) But well, there’s a diner owner in Maine who doesn’t care and will gladly tell off a crying toddler.

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Who Hasn’t Tried To Get Out Of An Arrest By Offering To Toss The Cop’s Salad?

So, you find yourself in handcuffs and the cop is about to take you to the police station to be booked. What do you do? Do you say “okay” and let the cop take you in? Or do you say “fuck it” and offer to glaze that cop’s wrinkled skin donut with your saliva if he lets you go? In the Choose Your Own Adventure book that is life, we’d all go with the second option, obviously. This salad tossing mess knows what I’m talking about.

The Smoking Gun says that 51-year-old Diane Thomas was arrested earlier this month for allegedly punching and scratching her boyfriend at their home. In a plot twist of all plot twists, this happened in Monroe, Louisiana and not somewhere in Florida. Diana told the cops that her boyfriend was a “bitch” and she only “beat his ass” because he hit her first. The cop wasn’t trying to her hear pleas, so Diane stepped it up. Diane said that she couldn’t go to jail because she has a good job and then she tried to save her good job by offering to give the cop another kind of good job if you know what I mean. If only Drake was the arresting officer…

“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now,” she reportedly declared. “Officer I will even lick your butt hole.”

Already facing a misdemeanor domestic abuse charge, Thomas was then hit with a felony public bribery count for allegedly offering to lick Corporal Ballard.

Thomas was subsequently freed on $5000 bond.

You know you’re in the gold circle (or should I say “brown circle“) of The Don’t Give A Fuck Club when you do the following things:

1. Say, “Officer, I will even lick your butt hole,” to an actual officer and not to a piece in a cop uniform while role playing.

2. Offer to rim a cop when you’re in Louisiana, it’s almost summer and you have no idea when is the last time that officer washed his asshole.

That is the face of a lady who is so fuck deficient that she’ll gladly take her tongue to Swamp Ass Town to get out of an arrest.

Finally, Proof That Girl Scout Cookies Save Lives!

I’m taking a break from talking non-stop about Bruce Jenner’s ass and metal poisoning of the pussy to bring you this story of survival and Girl Scout Cookies. I knew there was a good reason for why I keep 14 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in my freezer. They are a miracle food that saves lives! Take note, Dr. Oz, that’s how you use the word “miracle” the right way!

The Associated Press (via People) says that on April 11th, 56-year-old Lee Wright and her 52-year-old sister Leslie Roy were driving through a desolate part of Michigan when their SUV got stuck in the snow. They thought the roads would be paved, but they weren’t. Their cell phones didn’t get any service and it was way too cold, snowy and gross to get out and walk toward help. So they really had no choice but to stay in their SUV and hope that Elsa from Frozen stomped on by after having another stupid fight with her sister.

The only kind of food they had in their SUV were 8 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies they bought from a relative and a bag of cheese puffs. They also had water and they made their own water from snow. Since the road they were on is hardly used, they were in that bitch for two goddamn weeks. Lee and Leslie had a reservation at a hotel in Mackinaw City on April 11th, but of course they didn’t show up. The bad news about being trapped in an SUV for two weeks is that you’re trapped in an SUV for two weeks. But the good news is that at least you have delicious Girl Scout Cookies to keep your mouth busy and if you’re going to die, you may as well die with the taste of Thin Mints on your tongue.

The power in their SUV eventually went out and they had to keep warm by wearing pretty much all the clothes they packed for their trip.

On Friday, after nearly two weeks of searching for them, a helicopter finally spotted their SUV. They were SAVED! They were fine, but a little weak.

That sounds like the plot for the reworking of Alive starring Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

Lee and Leslie need to take over as the new hosts of Man vs. Wild. Fuck Bear Grylls and his drinking piss and eating larvae shit. These ladies know that the key to staying alive in the wild is to always have a stash of Girl Scout Cookies and cheese puffs on you. And I can hear every stoner going, “Pff,” because most of us have survived on nothing but Girl Scout Cookies and Cheetos for years.

Fuckery Still Abounds In Florida

I may or may not have started my day off as June Cleaver. (Okay, I didn’t.) I’m pretty sure June never stole a Kit Kat from Wally and the Beav’s Halloween stash and had to dive into the half bath off the kitchen to shove it in her mouth in order to not get caught using it to stir her coffee. (That shit’s delicious- try it. It’s right up there with using a Red Vine to drink strawberry soda.)

HOWEVER, I’m a rung or two up from Boca Raton’s own Mother of the Year candidate Heather McAuliffe, who, according to the Sun-Sentinel (via Daily Mail), was arrested Thursday after writing an email to her six-year-old son’s teacher, saying she had given him 5 milligrams of her Adderall as an “experiment” and asking the teacher to report back on his behavior.  Heather said she crushed the pill up in her son’s yogurt to help him. Cue Dina Lohan reading this thinking, “So??!?? I gave my angelic, beautiful Lindsay Adderall and she turned out just fine!!”

You dumb ho! Sure, some kids have issues but take him to the damn doctor to be properly evaluated instead of giving him your ADHD meds. Christ in a sidecar, you’d think some parenting shit would be so basic that it wouldn’t require specific instructions, but whatever is in Florida’s water supply continues to overshadow common fucking sense.

Part of me kind of hopes Heather jumps her $3,000 bond, so that on an episode of Dog and Beth on the Hunt, Dog Chapman can put his aging action hero run to good use, chasing her down in the Florida humidity, his magnificent corn dog-colored manchichis glistening with sweat. Beth can handcuff Heather, put her in an SUV and lecture her while Beth’s tits take up three quarters of the backseat of a Chevy Suburban.

(Photo: The Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Department)

Gay Couple Suing United Continental For Embarrassing Them With A Dirty Dildo

Christopher Bridgeman and Martin Borger of Norfolk, VA were waiting for their luggage to come around the baggage carousel at Norfolk International Airport when the words “It wasn’t not funny!” almost leaped off of their tongues after seeing one of their bags with a dirty dildo taped to the top of it. Normally, when you see a bag with a dildo taped to the top of it, the next thing you see is me running to grab it. (I mean, a dildo is the best and clearest bag marker.) But that didn’t happen this time and Christopher and Martin were not laughing.

Christopher and Martin tell NBC News (via Towleroad) that they were coming back from a trip to Costa Rica on May 21, 2011 and when they had a layover in Houston, they had to take their luggage through customs and re-check it. Their luggage seemed fine when they grabbed it in Houston. But they believe that a baggage handler in Houston, went into their bag, found their dildo and decided to shame them by covering it in some “greasy, foul-smelling substance” before taping it to the top of their bag. When the dirty dildo bag landed on the carousel, onlookers started laughing and this humiliated Christopher and Martin even more.

Martin told NBC that he knew exactly what it was when he first saw it and he was “shocked” and “horrified.” Christopher thinks that because of the name on the tag and the clothes inside the bag, the handler knew the dildo was in a dude’s bag, so the handler “maliciously” and “intentionally” humiliated them for shits. The couple, who have been together for 9 years, are suing United Continental for intentional infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy and negligence. They want an unspecified amount in damages and they want the airline to pay for their attorney fees. When it first happened in May 2011, United Continental offered them some kind of “gesture of goodwill,” but Christopher and Martin turned it down.

United Continental says they conducted a serious investigation and they found nothing that supports Christopher and Martin’s dildo-shaming claims. They said they will defend themselves in court and I really hope that one of the sides gets to say, “We call our star witness, the dirty dildo itself, to the stand.“

We already have to worry about all sorts of crap when we travel and now we have to worry about someone messing up a good dildo by covering it in some foul-smelling grease while trying to be funny? (Note: I don’t even want to know what that foul-smelling grease was. It brings up a lot of bad memories of bad dates.) From now on, I’m just going to shove my dildo into my carry-on (you decide what I mean by that) and bring it on the plane with me. It’s all fun and games until some evil bitch screws with your dildo and not in a sexy way either.

Brooklyn Style, Bitch!

I was going to post something about last night’s episode of The Fake-Tanned Genital Wart Hour of Fun, but I’ve decided to go with this piece of reality instead. You’d think girl-on-girl action at the Munch Time Diner would make Queen Latifah close the door and open up her special drawer, but definitely not this time.

Animal New York says that all hyena hell broke loose when a cell phone went missing at the Bronx’s Munch Time Diner last Sunday. Thongs were exposed! Heels went into faces! Glamorous outfits were ruined! It’s like if they ran out of Ritalin and tranquilizers at a child beauty pageant. I’m serious about the glamorous outfits part too. As soon as the rojo-head at the end of the clip gets out of the ICU, she’ll be ready for the fucking runway in that ensemble.

And all through the clip, one of them keeps screaming “Brooklyn style, bitch!” on a loop. I wonder if she teaches the art of “Brooklyn Style, Bitch!” fightin’ at the Y? Since I live in Brooklyn now, I should probably learn its fightin’ style. You know, just in case I ever lose my cell phone at the Munch Time Diner in the Bronx and have to call it by banging a trick’s head into the payphone. Or something.

Yeah, I’m definitely going to learn “Brooklyn Style, Bitch.” My opponents never take me seriously during a fight when I scream at them, “It’s Kingdom of Caring style, bitch!”

via Gawker TV