But Why Did He Cut Off His Luscious Locks?!!!!

Here’s a quick update about this morning’s Hot Slut of the Day Ted Williams, the homeless man who won’t be homeless for long thanks to his radio perfect voice. Ted not only made his radio debut this morning, but he also appeared live on CBS’ Early Show where he showed off a new look. Gone are the long follicles that made him look like he was always riding in the back seat of a convertible speeding down PCH.

Ted could be standing in a windowless room without vents and still look like Kirstie Alley simultaneously queefed and farted his way. Not since Beyonce have I seen someone with that gift. But now it’s gone. I understand. The whole “out with the old” shit. Ted’s new hair makes him look like a mash-up of Tim Meadows and Obama, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Below is Ted’s interview with the Early Show this morning. Ted says that he’s on his way to NYC this afternoon to see his 92-year-old mom. Warning: this clip will make the warm emotion called “love” hitchhike towards the frozen tundra that is your heart. Don’t play if you want to stay cunty.

TDW also has a rundown of all the offers that have come Ted’s way since the Internet made him a star a hot second ago. The Cleveland Cavaliers offered him a full-time job and an entire house. The Ohio Credit Union League also gave Ted a $10,000 check in exchange for voice-over work.

You see, the Internet isn’t TOTALLY a cesspool that sucks souls and destroys lives. Every now and again it spits out something good.

That’s One Way Of Impressing Someone

You’re on a date with some dude you really like and it’s going better than well. He tells you that he loves the way your hair curls like Mariah Carey’s before she discovered a flat iron, and you giggle as he opens up the door for you to the County Fair store near your house in Meadville, PA. While browsing for beef jerky and condoms, you decide that you like this dude SO MUCH that you really want to do something special that will impress him. You know what to do. You grab his hand, lead him to the walk-in freezer, pull your skirt up, pull down your panties and take a straight-up piss all over a bunch of bagels and cookies. A swoon fills the dude’s heart as urine-scented cold smoke fills the freezer. That’s exactly what 23-year-old Carrie Harkness did on Saturday morning.

The Smoking Gun says that Carrie’s impromptu freezer piss caused $508 in damages. Carrie was charged with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct and for being a nasty ass. Carrie will have to show her face in court on January 12th.

A couple of days after Carrie, who is a mother of two, killed a bunch of cookies by emptying her bladder on them, she posted this message on her Facebook:

“Omg have you ever liked someone so much and go out with them and make a fool of yourself????? wish I could take back friday night!!!!! But youngstown is on point wish my friend could forgive me!!!!!!”

Okay, we’ve all been drunk in the middle of a walk-in freezer and thought about pissing on the bagels, but we didn’t do it! Just like we’ve all been drunk in the middle of the subway and thought about pulling our nipple out to try to lick it, but we didn’t (at least I don’t think I did) do it! I mean, I’d stand in her corner if she pulled the “When You Gotta Go You Gotta Go” card, but her excuse is that she was trying to impress somebody. Who the fuck is she trying to impress with her down to piss antics? R. Kelly? If that’s the case, no amount of golden shower behavior is going to impress him since homegirl is a little out of his usual age range.

Bitches Go Crazy For McNuggets

When are McDonald’s employees going to learn that you never deny a crazy bitch Chicken McNuggets? NEVER! I mean, when a bitch rolls up to the drive-thru window with a twitch in her eye and a stiff fist, you just throw your entire inventory of McNuggets at her and then hide under the cash register. Two employees at a McDonald’s in Toledo, Ohio learned this lesson the hard way.

On January 1st at 6 in the morning, 24-year-old Melodi Dushane (that’s Melodi Doucheanal if you’re a McDonald’s manager) drove up to McDonald’s hoping to feast on a 6-pack of processed fried chicken parts for her first meal of the new year. Let me correct myself. Her SECOND meal of the new year. I’m sure her first meal consisted of condom lube, pubic hair and Early Times whiskey. In my circle that’s a balanced meal.

Anyway, the McDonald’s employee just had to kill Melodi’s buzz by telling her that they do not serve McNuggets before 11am. Well, Melodi responded the way any civilized human being in that situation would. She kissed her first for good luck and popped the bitch in the mouth. McPOW! I guess Melodi likes blood sauce with her nuggets.

After Melodi handed over her customer satisfaction survey in the form of a punch to the lip, the night manager came to the window. Melodi greeted her with a punch too and they both went at it. File this under: You might be a refined lady if….

The two were finally separated and Melodi got in the last word by breaking the drive-thru window with her fist. The police were called and Melodi was arrested.

Remember that Crazy McCrazy (no relation to Ronald) who called 911 after they told her they were out of McNuggets? Well, Melodi needs to join forces with that ho so the two can fight for the right to eat McNuggets! It’s 2010! We should all be able to clog our arteries with Chicken McNuggets whenever or wherever we want!

Source: The Smoking Gun

Amy Wino Doesn’t Have Shit On This Chick

This is the face of 45-year-old Marguerite Engle who became the drunkiest drunkest drunk in South Dakota’s recorded history when her blood alcohol level registered a 0.708. The state’s legal limit is .08. I don’t know whether to clean out my alcohol cabinet (aka a cardboard box under my kitchen) and place the booze bottles at Marguerite’s feet as an offer of respect or swallow a whole box of Chaser.

The Smoking Gun reports that police found Marguerite passed out like a liquored-up turkey behind the wheel of a stolen truck earlier last month. They arrested Margie and tested her drunkness down at the station. They tried to get her blood alcohol level from a breathalyzer, but the weak ass thing exploded as soon as she blew into it. You know bitch makes breathalyzers go boom. She might be a goddess.

Margie was bailed out by someone named Jim Beam and then was taken to a local hospital.

This beautiful portrait of Marguerite was snapped earlier this year after she was arrested for attacking a government employee and being a drunken ho in public. The picture now hangs at the corporate offices of Jack Daniels with the caption “Person of the Year” underneath it.

The average bitch’s body is around 60% water, but Marguerite’s is 0% water and 98% booze. That means the bitch probably pisses out vodka and shits out whiskey nuggets! Marguerite is like a walking open bar. The Hoff is at Jared right now picking out an engagement ring to give to Marguerite. He is in love.

If You Have Testicles, Cover Them Up

All ballsacks need to leave the room now. Whatever was left of mine is already on the corner trying to flag a cab down. You’ve been warned.

Anthony Clark was strolling down a street in Langley, BC, minding his own business, when some lady kicked him in his tea bags for absolutely no reason. The bitch busted him so hard in the crotch that one his testicles shot up into his abdomen like a sledge hammer carnival game.

Anthony tells The Calgary Herald that he didn’t know how bad it was until that night when he realized one of his sperm sacks was missing in action. When Anthony went to see his doctor, he was told to mourn the loss of his testicle, because it ruptured. They had to yank it out and will replace it with a prosthetic one in a couple of months. Fortunately, Anthony can still have chirruns if he wants to.

When Anthony went to file a report with the police about the incident, he was told that the same fuckery happened to several other dudes. They are now on the search for The Testicle Terrorist of Langley who is described as a Caucasian lady in her 20s.

Okay, there are plenty times throughout the day that I just want to run outside and karate kick a random dude in the dick, but DAMN! It’s called self-control…and massive amounts of weed. Lick a nut, don’t kick one!

And let me just type what we’re all thinking: KATE GOSSELIN MUST BE STOPPED!

VIA C+D

Middle-Aged Ladies On Muni Gone Wild!

The next time (aka today after work) you get into fight of words and slaps with a fellow traveler on public transportation, just know that someone could be filming that shit! Make sure you look hot. Thankfully, this battle over a bus seat on San Francisco’s Muni was captured on a dude’s cell phone.

Apparently, the two ladies were fighting over a seat (aren’t they always) when shit got really real! Basically, the argument consisted of the words: fuck, you, stupid, bitch. It’s like I wrote the dialogue for this fight. Those are really the only words you know when you’re battling a bitch over a seat!

After they blew air kisses at each other for a while, the fists started flying! AND HOW! I’m pretty sure I saw the Asian lady deliver a drop kick on the other chick. Damn. That is some Mortal Kombat shit. Level her up! The Fight Queen of Muni!

When video of the fight made its way on to YouTube, Muni said they are investigating the incident. They said the bus operator should have notified the SFPD about the fight, but they did not. That’s because the bus driver was probably too busy betting on a winner.

VIA SFist