QOTD: The Time Jennifer Aniston Put Trash Food In Her Pristine Body

Jennifer Aniston was paid millions upon millions of dollars to be the face of Aveeno and as the face of Aveeno she has to talk about her skin and shit. The Cut asked Jennifer what her daily skin routine is and she said that she uses Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Scrub (please, you know she doesn’t even use that shit on her dog’s bottom paws) on top of cleansing, toning and moisturizing. She also said that she drinks lots and lots of water, but she didn’t name-drop Smart Water (there goes her quarterly bonus). Jennifer didn’t mention it, but we all know that the key to her glistening skin is the lonely, miserable tears she cried out every night for years. Nothing makes your skin glow like lonely, miserable tears.

After Jennifer talked about filling her mouth hole with healthy foods, The Cut asked her if she’s ever been in a situation where she had to eat fast food. Jennifer said:

I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry. The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system. I am always trying to eat organic and natural foods, so that just made my stomach turn and made me feel terrible. And I think what you put in your body, as well as stress, is reflected in the quality of your skin.

“It was like putting gasoline in a purified system” is a GOOP way of saying, “It made me butt birth a poop baby.” We get it, Jennifer, you got the shits.

But is Jennifer really trying to make us believe that after every break-up she didn’t drive over to McDonald’s, order everything on the menu, drive home, get stoned, throw it all in her Vitamix, pour a bottle of vodka in there, blend and then drink it all up through a straw while listening to Alanis Morissette songs? Uh huh, one Big Mac. Sure, Jennifer, sure.

QOTD: Karl Lagerfeld Wants Choupette To Be His Wife

Kunty Karl traded his heart in for the throne of Chanel and his insides are as ice cold as a penguin’s clit, but yet he still feels warmth toward his pet cat. Choupette Lagerfeld has her own maids who keep a diary of her daily activities, she flies on her daddy’s private jet, she eats better than Goopy Paltrow does AND she has the love of a ghoul who didn’t know he had the ability to actually feel feelings for a living thing. Choupette really does have it all and if Karl had his way, she’d have a wedding ring too! Karl tells CNN’s Fashion Week: Backstage Pass (via The Independent) that he loves Choupette so much that he wants to marry her. Yes, Kunty Karl wants to marry his pussy.

“There is no marriage, yet, for human beings and animals… I never thought that I would fall in love like this with a cat.”

I never thought that Kunty Karl would fall in love with ANYTHING. How is it possible that he looks at Choupette and sees hearts and rainbows instead of seeing a Chanel stole he can sell to an Upper East Side ho for thousands upon thousands of dollars? Choupette has turned Kunty Karl into a crazy cat lady. Soon he’ll making cock cozies out of her fur.

We all know what’s going to happen next. Karl is going to get the French government to pass a law making it okay for humans to marry cats. He’ll marry Choupette, Choupette will set him up by getting a younger pussy to hit on him, she’ll divorce him and she’ll get half of his empire. Karl will be too heartbroken to design another dress and he’ll spend his days caressing a lock of her fur in a dark corner.  Damn, Choupette is good. I bet she works for one of Karl’s enemies like Donatella Versace or Harry Potter. 

QOTD: Busy Phillips Is No RiRi

Since the theme for the latter part of this week has been the crotch grooming habits of celebrities, let’s hear what Cougar Town’s Busy Phillips has to say about her own coochie beard situation. During an episode of The Conversation about the treatment of pregnant women in the media, Amanda de Cadenet asked Bussy (typo and it stays) if she waxes or shaves her Mr. Bigglesworth now that she’s a mother of one child, soon to be two. Busy said:

“I love this question. I do get waxed, but after I had my daughter I had this real epiphany. I felt like it would be really fucking weird if I had no hair on my vagina, because I have a little girl and I want her to look at me and think that grown women have hair on their vaginas!”

It’s funny that Busy should say that, because I knew a woman who claimed that she’s naturally hairless and only grows hair on her head and eyebrow area. Not even her pits! If she’s telling the truth, then I’m sure she’ll be HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY offended by Busy’s words. Is she not a grown woman because she doesn’t grow chocha fur? Way to be a #hairlessladyshamer, Busy! That mostly hairless woman I knew should totally write an open letter to Busy on Jezebel about this!

Busy also said this about chicks who claim they lost all the weight from breastfeeding:

“I love that the whole weird misconception, ‘I just lost it all breastfeeding.’ It’s like, ‘No, you didn’t!'”

And now every celebwhore who claims they got skinny from breastfeeding (see: nearly every chick in Hollywood) is going to write Busy an open letter about how being a #skinnybreastfeedershamer is not a good look.

via UsWeekly

QOTD: Vin Diesel Is Way Too Buff To Play Ferris Bueller

Let’s all feel sad now, because according to Vin Diesel, there will never be a reboot of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off called Bueller: 2 Fast 2 Ferris starring him, because he has way too many muscles on his body to play a role like that. The veiny penis with biceps tells Men’s Fitness (via Vulture) that he only gets certain roles and it has nothing to do with him having the acting skills of an empty bottle of AXE body spray. It has to do with the fact that he’s a bag of skin stuffed with muscles.

“Being a physical presence will rule you out of a lot of roles. I couldn’t have done Ferris Bueller’s Day Off with that physical presence. But I like it as part of me; it’s part of what I represent, and I think if Humphrey Bogart were around today he’d be a lot bigger. Hollywood is more concerned about its male actors being in shape than its female actors.”

My day has been made by the image of Humphrey Bogart’s head on Vin Diesel’s body. Vin is not giving himself enough credit, though. The Pacifier was a comedic masterpiece and Matthew Broderick could never have done it with his non-physical presence.

But with that being said, I know Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen get more shit from Hollywood about their bodies than Rebel Wilson and Melissa McCarthy do (/sarcasm), but Vin Diesel is still wrong. Hollywood is concerned about everyone being in shape. It’s Hollywood. It’s the land of unrealistic everything. They want their dudes buff, their chicks skinny and they want their dogs to talk. How do you think my chihuahua feels when he watches a movie where the dog talks English and saves the world and shit? My dog can barely lick his own ass without falling over, so seeing a talking dog really screws with his self-esteem. But I just tell him, “It’s make believe!”

And here’s the dude we’ll never see as Ferris Bueller at the Hollywood premiere of another one of those driving movies, which also brought out Ludacris, Terror Reid and Michelle Rodriguez.

QOTD: The Met Gala Was Not Good Enough For Goopy

If you’ve ever wanted to go to the Met Gala, you’re crazy. But if you’re going to go, go next year, because it’s going to be GOOP-free! Goopy Paltrow told USA Today in so many words that she’d rather smoke non-organic crack out of a Dollar Tree crack pipe while giving herself a Mountain Dew enema on a pile of t-shirts from The Gap than go to the Met Gala again. Goopy barfed out this crap nugget:

“I’m never going again. It was so un-fun. It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.”

Since I write about Goopy nearly every second of the damn day, I practically speak fluent GOOP. What she’s really saying is, “I’m totally going next year, because that low-rent event needs me and I can write it off as charity. It was so bougie. The bougie sweat so much and I refused to breathe, because I didn’t want to inhale their nasty bougie sweat fumes! There was so much trash there too! For a second I thought they invited my weekend maid, but then she told me her name was Minka Kelly and that’s not my weekend maid’s name. The only time I enjoyed myself was when my sister from another mister, Beyonce, and I sat on this abandoned, lumpy sofa and made fun of all the poors in off-the-rack dresses.”

QOTD: Drew Barrymore Thinks All Women Are Moody And She Doesn’t Know How Men Deal With It

Drew Barrymore went on Eric Ripert’s YouTube cooking show “On The Table” to hawk her brand of pinot grigio and to also spill out her dumb thoughts on crap. While making Clams Montecito (that should be a drag name, not a recipe), Eric asked Drew if she ever gets moody on movie sets or wherever. Drew said that of course she gets moody! She has a vagina doesn’t she? Drew says that women are just naturally moody bitches and any time a woman puts a mood ring on her finger it explodes, because it can’t keep up with all her moody moods! Men folk should just gather all the women up, throw them in a giant room with a pool full of ice cream soup and a copy of The Notebook and let them get all moody on each other (I think I just described Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Saturday night). Drew said:

“I think I’m moody because I’m a woman. I can ask any man in this room — like women are just inherently like, moody or hormonal people. I don’t know how men deal with it. I praise them.”

I grew up in a house full of women, so now you know why I’m gay. Seriously, Drew was obviously just being moody when she said that all women are moody and you’re being moody if you’re yelling at moody Drew for saying that all women are moody. You’re all moody!

But I’m not being moody (since my one and only mood is: bitchy) when I say, shut the fuck up, Drew!

And jump to the 9:57 mark if you want to see moody Drew talk about moody women:

via ZAP2it