QOTD: Tom Brokaw Thinks Lindsay Lohan Tainted The White House Correspondents’ Dinner

Tom Brokaw won’t be getting drunk at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner tomorrow night with the stars of Duck Dynasty, Nicole Kidman, Gerard Butler and Psy, because he’d rather get drunk in a 7-Eleven parking lot with a bunch of high school juniors after prom. Tom tells Politico that the White House Correspondents’ Dinner used to be fun and interesting and over the years it has turned into a steaming trash pile of drunken messiness and fame whores. Tom doesn’t show his face there anymore, but he watches on CSPAN and says that the dinner really jumped ten sharks in a row when Lindsay Lohan was invited by Greta Van Susteren.

“There was more dignity at my daughter’s junior prom than there is what I’m seeing on CSPAN here. Then we got to the point where everybody had to bring in whatever Page 6 celebrity happened to be around. For me the breaking point was Lindsay Lohan. She became the big star at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Give me a break.”

Tom Brokaw is probably going to get a call really early in the morning and it’ll be from a drunken, grunting mess who sounds like her throat is lined in sand paper and she’ll slur out a tossed salad of incoherent sentences. It’ll just be White Oprah calling to threaten him with a lawsuit for ruining the pristine image of her daughter. Tom should just hang up and go back to bed, because White Oprah will forget she called him when she wakes up in the afternoon with her head hanging over the toilet.

QOTD: Matt Lauer Knows That Everybody Hates Him

Seen above saying “My foot will go in here any second now!,” Matt Lauer hosted an UJA-Federation of New York on Tuesday night and used some of his time on stage to slap at himself a little bit.

One hundred Americans were recently asked (no, they weren’t) if they would rather get a yeast infection while prolapsing at the same time or spend a minute with Matt Lauer, and all of them screamed, “I’ll take the yeast!” Matt Lauer knows this, so he let everybody know that he knows they hate him.

“[I was] a bit surprised to be asked to host this dinner. If you’ve been following the papers lately, you know it’s been a bit rough for me. These days, I only get asked to host dinners if polio is busy. Yup, I have a lower Q rating than polio right now.”

And he kept stabbing at himself when he introduced Katie Couric:

“Katie has a way of making headlines. Who can forget when she was co-host of the ‘Today’ show? She got a colonoscopy on TV. Not to be outdone, two weeks ago, I got one in The New York Times.”

There were three people in the country who didn’t completely hate Matt Lauer, but they do now after he joked about polio. Congratulations for that, Matt Lauer!

via Page Six 

QOTD: Goopy Paltrow Has An Ass That Makes You Want To Throw Crumpled-Up Dollar Bills At It

At the opening of Tracy Anderson’s dungeon of cardio torture in Brentwood on Thursday night, Goopy Paltrow told UsWeekly about the time one of her friends (aka a paid servant) sucked on her 22-year-old stripper ass:

Paltrow recalled one incident in particular, when she was trying on bathing suits with a pal and received a rather unusual compliment about her figure.

“I said, ‘You know, this isn’t so bad for 40, right?'” Paltrow mused of her butt. “And [my friend] goes, ‘It’s not so bad for a 22-year-old stripper!'”

As humble as ever… But you know, I’m sure that somewhere out there is a 22-year-old gay albino twink stripper who has the same ass as Goopy’s, so her friend is totally speaking the truth.

(Pic of Goop’s 22-year-old stripper butt via FameFlynet)

QOTD: Jose Canseco’s Thoughts On Gay Marriage

The Supreme Court Justices can all take tomorrow off and spend the day watching Judge Judy reruns (you know they get tips from her), because Jose Canseco’s got this. I mean, he said UNGAY.

And if they need a second opinion. They can always ask Sophia Petrillo. (Note: I’m sure I’ve splattered this all over the site a million times before, but Sophia’s opinion is always relevant and never gets old.) 

via Buzzfeed & Hypervocal

QOTD: Brandi Glanville Used To Joke That Eddie Cibrian Raped Her On The First Night They Met

The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills‘ Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge’s peen in it. But since Brandi doesn’t have that, she’s selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi’s latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!

“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”

Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I’m sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh’s hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!

via Radar

QOTD: Manti Te’o On The Rumor That He Loves Real Dick

While sitting in front of an FTD bouquet, Katie Couric asked Manti Te’o if he created a fake dead girlfriend to hide his gayness sort of the same way someone (I’m not naming names) might use a few dozen squirts of Jovan Musk to hide the scent of butt sex in their room after a particularly messy orgy. Man Titty O got all uncomfortable, like Tom Cruise uncomfortable, and then basically said that if you brought up Google Maps, hit the “Get Directions” button, typed his name in A, and typed “gay” in B, the blue line would go on forever. That’s how far from gay he is.

Katie: “One of the theories, many theories, Manti, making the rounds, is somehow you created this whole scenario to cover up your sexual orientation. Are you gay?

Manti: “No, far from it. Faaaaaaaaaaaar from it.”

Then the audience laugh and I’m guessing it was one of those “bitch, please” laughs. My b-hole did twitch when he let out that long faaaaaaaaaaaa. Maybe dude doesn’t crave dick, but that cardigan says otherwise. I think Zac Efron wore that same outfit in one of the High School Musicals. Do with that what you will.

via Gossip Cop