Prince Pierced Peen Doth Protest Too Much

With all the rumors going around that Prince Albert’s marriage to Charlene Wittstock is the stuff fake is made of, he decided to invite three French media outlets into his palace to clear the smoke made by his prisoner bride’s heels when she tried to run from the altar.

Prince Albert didn’t address specific rumors like how he barebacked a love child into another ho or how Charlene tried to smuggle herself out of the country in Princess Stephanie’s coke nose. Prince Albert only said that he’s so mad about these rumors that he could spit on the vagina of one of his whores and make another hush hush baby as Charlene hums the melody of a Johnny Cash song from her ivory cell.

People reports that while Charlene held his hand, Prince Albert told the French press that they really need to stop with the constant lies or ELSE he’ll put a baby in their wombs too. Prince Albert cried, “What is regrettable is that the media seized on these rumors without verifying their information. I find it unworthy of your colleagues. I have always respected the freedom of expression. But the dissemination of false information is lamentable and subject to criminal penalties.”

Prince Albert refused to answer any questions, but he did talk about the rumor that he and Charlene stayed in different hotels during their honeymoon. Prince Albert explained, “Sometimes these rumors made us smile, such as when the media explained that the princess and I had not slept in the same hotel in South Africa. It was for practical reasons of course.”

Of course, the reasons were practical. I’d check into a different hotel too if I couldn’t raw fuck a South African hooker in peace, because my selfish wife kept weeping all-loud like in her room and the sound traveled through the vents. Shut up, you boo hoo baby! Some of us are trying to cheat on you here!

At the end of the press conference, Princess Charlene was asked if she had anything to add and she only said, “No. I think that says it all.”

That’s funny. Those are the EXACT words Stepford Katie said during her wedding when Father Xenu asked her to recite her vows after Tommy Girl gave his in the form of an interpretive dance set to the Top Gun theme song.

Charlene Wittstock Really Didn’t Want To Marry Prince Albert’s Whore Ass

As us Americans celebrate our independence from the aliens (or whoever, I was dozed off during that part of National Holiday class) today, Princess Charlene of Monaco is mourning the loss of hers. We’ve already heard about how days before Charlene Wittstock married Prince Albert, she got her passport taken away when she tried to flee to her native South Africa. But now the media is saying that Charlene tried to quit that bitch not once, not once, but three times.

A source tells the French newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche (via Metro) that Charlene even crawled off to the South African embassy in Monaco to beg them to hide her in a laundry basket and wheel her far far away from Prince Albert, but they shook their heads no. When Charlene was caught trying to escape for the third time, Prince Albert made her some kind of offer, which she agreed to.

‘Several sources have even confirmed that an arrangement was reached between the future bride and groom.’

The couple are due to fly to South Africa on honeymoon on this week, presenting Charlene with her best chance yet of escaping Monaco.

Prince Albert faces a DNA test over claims he fathered a third illegitimate child, the palace confirmed.

A royal official said that both the illegitimate children were kept away from Albert’s marriage so as to avoid ‘media exposure.’

Even though Prince Albert’s shooting secret love children out of his peen like he’s a proud graduate of Lil’ Wayne’s anti-condom university, none of them can claim the throne because they were birthed out of wedlock. So some hos are saying that Prince Albert wants Princess Charlene to give birth to the next king or queen of Monaco before he unlocks her handcuffs.

The royals in Monaco don’t do shit, right? They just put on a prince and princess costume and wave at their subjects from a balcony? They have about as much ruling power as the prince charming dildo I’ve had my eye (and other parts) on. So imprisoning a South African woman because they believe she will give them the perfect-looking heir apparent is taking this monarchy shit way too seriously. Monaco should just do what Disneyland does when they need a fake prince to wave at their guests from a balcony: hold a casting call and hire the prettiest gay with the shiniest hair and whitest teefs! And they only have to pay him with minimum wage and a couple of free guest passes.