Ashlee Simpson Quits Pete Wentz

This picture of Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz bonding over their mutual love of awful fucking hair was taken just last month and now they’re completely over after 2 years of marriage! The meaning of love gave an encore of Ashlee’s SNL performance and CHOKED. Just dance a jig, love, and keep on going.

TMZ reports that Ashlee just filed for divorce in L.A. today and is asking for primary physical custody and joint legal custody of their 2-year-old son Bronx. Papa Joe did good, because Ashlee didn’t sign a prenup. She’s asking for both spousal and child support.

You know, I’m not even surprised anymore when I find out who DIVORCE decided to curse this time. Bitches are either birthing a divorce or filing a baby. One of those. The thing that’s got me furrowing my brow like Papa Joe when Jessica Simpson wears a turtleneck is that the year is 2011 and we’re still talking about Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz!

My guess is that Ashlee took one look at Pete’s new au naturale “Lionel Richie clay head” fro and let jealousy get the best her. Ashlee refuses to live in the shadow of that beautiful piece of frizzy art.

And this gives Jessica an excuse to tear up the Entenmann’s aisle again. Jessica’s eating Ashlee’s feelings for her. That’s what sisters are for!

UPDATE: TMZ’s sources say that Ashlee made the decision to melt the straightening balm that bonded their love together, because she was sick of Pete’s “erratic” behavior. Erratic = that hair. Ashlee’s been trying to stay out of show business shit and focus on raising their son, but Pete wants to keep making “music” and touring.

Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!

Looking like the time my mom tried to give herself an Ogilvie Home Perm and didn’t leave it in long enough, Pete Wentz made an appearance at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit yesterday with a head full of Kevin Jonas. Authentic Emo tears are falling down cheeks today since Pete took a break from flat-ironing the natural curls out of his hair until the smoke detector goes off.

Pete now has the hair of Slim Goodbody after getting tased in the skull, so I actually prefer this over his usual Hot Topic mess. I mean, we should ALL look like Richard Simmons at least one time in our lives.

The Rose Of The Kentucky Derby

It wouldn’t be the Kentucky Derby without a tall crystal glass of sweet tea with just a hint of mint to give your tongue the tingles. Johnny Weir quenched the thirst of dry mouthed bitches when he hit the red carpet at the Kentucky Derby yesterday dressed like a fancy Bravo reality star (I’m looking at you, Dwight) going to a drag queen’s funeral.

This is the first time in the history of the Kentucky Derby that the race ended early and a winner was not declared. That’s because as soon all the horses spotted Johnny in the audience, they sprouted wings, pushed a crystal horn out of their heads and flew off towards the land of rainbows and glitter. Johnny freed them!

And the people who got to witness Johnny’s glittery magic at work were: two assholian clowns, Larry Birkhead with Dannielynn, Fran Drescher, Joey Fat One, Jeff Lewis with Jenni, Vanessa Manilafolders with Nick Lachey, LOCKE!, Ugh Mario Lopez, Marisa Miller, Rebecca Romijn with Jerry O’Connell, Fred Willard and the woman with the best hat at the Derby.

Silence Of The Lame

Drop whatever you’re doing (aka nothing) and get to work on a “Can We Keep Pete Wentz Like This Forever” petition! This IS the look for Pete. Actually, it’s the only look for Pete.

At the end of Pete Wentz’s (or “Cock Blocker” if your name is Papa Joe) fashion show for his clothing line Clandestine Industries in NYC yesterday, he was wheeled out Hannibal Lecter style. This is Dulcolax’s answer to Hannibal Lecter. Hannibal Rectum. Instead of eating a human liver with fava beans, Hannibal Rectum eats Asshole Simpson’s asshole. And that’s worse than cannibalism.

The truth is, whoever gave Pete Wentz a clothing line should be forced to wear this straitjacket and mask FOR LIFE!

Pete Wentz Pulled A Pete Wentz

Dear Bronx Mowgli, now is your chance to file emancipation. There’s not one judge in all the land that won’t rule in your favor once you crawl up to the bench and hand them this picture as EXHIBIT ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Pete Wentz lost a bet to Gabriel Saporta (of Cobra Starship) last night which cost him space on his arm. Yes, Pete got Gabriel’s face tattooed on his person. Pete explained his new skidmark on his Twitter:

my head hurts. i was buzzed lightyear last night. followed thru on a gentlemens bet w/@gabrielsaporta now i have 1 more bad tattoo.

We’ve all made some bad decisions in life while booze was running through our system. We have the bruises and babies to prove it, but don’t ever ever put the blame on the sweet nectar of the gods. Why does delicious alcohol always take the fall for natural fuckery?

And I might be a little drunk myself since I laughed at “buzzed lightyear.” Ugh. There I go blaming the booze.

P.S. – Go ahead and file this picture under: Why The Fuck Do You Have a Kid?

VIA ONTD

Bronx Mowgli’s Father Shaved His Head

At last night’s Blink 182/Fall Out Boy show at MSG in NYC, Pete Wentz declared that it was “THE DEATH OF THE EMO HAIRCUT” and let Mark Hoppus cut his hair off on stage. All together now: “He should’ve cut off his head instead!”

While I am happy for Pete’s hairline since it probably hasn’t seen the light of anything for a long ass time, his new shaved head really isn’t the look. Before, he looked like a slow orangutan with an Emo wig, and now he just looks like a slow orangutan.

Pete did good by taking a machete to the emo haircut, but he should have backed away from the clippers and skipped towards the dread wax. Remember when Pete had dreadlocks:

I mean, Pete with hairy penises all over his head just made sense!

VIA People & Friends Or Enemies