Panty Creamer Of The Day: Dreamboat Doherty

If you are a card carrying member of The S.A.L.T., then you better put on your anti-masturbation gloves right now and run far far away from this post! Because the sight and smell (yeah, the co-worker next to you didn’t burp and queef again) of Dreamboat Doherty will send a shot of lust straight to your loins that even God can’t control. That burning itching down below needs to be scratched. If only RID made lube.

It’s been a while since Dlisted’s genital warts flared up for Dreamy, but here he is (with enough shit under his nails to start his own ant farm) peeking at all of the action outside of a court house in London during George Michael’s sentencing. Whenever Dreamy misses the days of getting yelled at by a judge, he drives up to a court house to get his fix. This is his porn. You can tell, because his cracked out eyes are so wide that even STAINS is telling him to calm down.

And now, I’ll leave the two of you alone. And I’ll also place a call to the exterminator, because you totally have bed bugs now.

This Isn’t Going To End Well

The inside of Amy Wino’s house probably already looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but more corpses and way more jugs of homemade booze), so imagine what that shit will turn into if Dreamboat Doherty moves his mess in with her. Their mutual stank will rise into the sky and form a signal to all roaches far and wide. So if you see a parade of roaches heading towards the Atlantic Ocean for the UK you now know why. No need to RAID their asses. They are headed for the promise land.

The Sun reports that Wino is currently renovating her Casa de Crackery in Camden and wants Dreamy to stay with her. A source said, “Amy has offered Pete a place to stay while he’s in London working on The Libertines comeback. She thinks a lot of him and they’ve been through a lot together so she wants to help him out. But pals are worried because they are bad influences on each other.”

If Wino and Dreamy live under the same roof, their kitchen cupboards will be completely empty except for broken light bulbs, burnt rolling papers, melted ice pops, random pube hairs, alley cat whiskers and half-filled mini bar booze bottles. Both Wino and Dreamy only clean their crotches once a month with a garden hose, so they will use the tub for a giant barf bin. Actually, that kind of sounds like a non-stop party. Do they need a third roommate?

But seriously, we all know what happened one of the last times these two wrecks got together?

On a positive note, at least they won’t ever have to worry about a rodent infestation, because no mouse is going to go near that house.

Dreamboat Doherty Is In The Hospital

Since Dreamboat Doherty decided to throw the media a twist by giving them a headline to write besides the usual of “Troubled Pete Doherty is in handcuffs”, he has shuffled off to a hospital in France to be spend a little time there. The crust of my scab was supposed to perform at the Theatre de Verdure in Nice last night, but that shit was canceled at the last minute. Dreamy’s fans were simply told le crackhead had been le hospitalized. No other details were given as to why Dreamy’s veins are suckling up morphine in the hospital.

The Toronto Sun says that Dreamy’s were madder than fish grease, “Three young Italian girls were really mad. They drove four hours from Italy to see Pete Doherty and couldn’t believe the gig was cancelled. One of them was really furious and shouted, ‘I can’t believe he did that! It cost us time and money to come all the way from Italy.’”

Couldn’t believe it?! Are these Italian girls freebasing the same shit as Dreamy? Going to a Dreamboat show is like sucking the dick of cokehead. When you’re about to lick on the eye of a cokey cock, there’s a good chance that the bitch isn’t even going to lift its head and give you one note. That is why you should always book a second peen for the night just in case that cokey cock refuses to perform. Bitches should know this!

Here’s Dreamy in Paris right before going off to the hospital. As usual, Dreamy looks like he smells of dryer sheets, kitten necks and the petal of a rose after a cloud tear has kissed it. Swoon. And Swoon.

You Already Know What This Is About

Whenever you see a picture of Dreamboat Doherty’s cherished dough-face on any site, you know to automatically scratch another line on the wall, because he’s been arrested again. You’re going to need a fresh new wall soon.

BBC News reports that Dreamy was taken to his home away from home on Friday to speak to police about his involvement in the death of heiress Robin Whitehead. Dreamy was arrested, because the police believe that Dreamy supplied Robin with copious amounts of the bad shit before her death. Robin was found dead in her apartment from an apparent overdose after she had tea and crumpets with Dreamy and three other men. And by “had tea and crumpets” I mean that they smoked crack and snorted heroin. Apparently, the police have video footage of Robin and Dreamy partaking in Amy Wino’s former morning ritual.

Dreamy and the three dudes were charged with suspicion of supplying drugs. They were released on bail and they must return next month to answer to the charges.

What more is there to say about this? Dreamy sees the inside of a jail cell more than he sees the inside of a shower. Although, that’s not saying much because he sees the inside of a jail cell more than his asshole sees a piece of toiler paper.

It’s probably like a damn family reunion every time Dreamy gets arrested. All the cops cheer and hug Dreamy when he comes stomping through the front door of the police station. Everyone gets to catch up! As the cops use a salad tong covered with a GLAD bag to check his asshole for contraband (or Lindsay Lohan’s career), they tell Dreamy how their wife and kids are doing, etc.. etc…

Pete Doherty Doesn’t Look Well?

One of the photo agencies I got this picture from says that Dreamboat Doherty didn’t look well as he left Koko Club in Camden last night. Maybe my eyes have grown accustomed to his sore-y face (I should get that checked out by a doctor), but he still looks like if Helena Bonham Carter caught leprosy, got attacked by a zombie and then tried to cool her rage by drinking gallons of embalming fluid. This is the way he always looks! This is the Dreamy I fell in love with (again, I should get that checked out by a doctor).

What we should really be focusing is the dude on the left’s hairline. That’s the real story. Let’s get a little closer, shall we?

What in the name of Kid ‘N Play!!!!?! I didn’t know a hairline like that existed anymore outside of Jermaine Jackson’s head. Shit. At least we know Vanilla Ice still has one fan. Ice ice baby.

Justice Prevails Yet Again

Dreamboat Doherty has once again shoved the system into his pipe and smoked it up. Dreamy avoided prison time today for bringing heroin into court last month. On December 21, Dreamy was making his way into a court house to face DUI charges when a baggie of Tatum O’Neal’s favorite poison fell out of his coat. At least Dreamy says it fell out of his coat, but he regularly farts out 8-balls so….

The judge today simply spanked Dreamy on one his mouth sores, and only fined him £750. The judge added, “Either this was sheer stupidity or a ploy to get more publicity.” Dreamy’s lawyer/weekend dealer explained that his client was not “mickey taking.” Dreamy had forgotten that the stash was in one of his many coats.

Dreamy could do a line of the bad shit off of the court stenographer’s labia lips right in front of the judge, and he still wouldn’t get more than a side-eye and a finger wave from the judge! Dreamy will never sit in the corner. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that prisons just aren’t equipped with enough medication to contain an outbreak in case Dreamy happened to sneeze while sitting in one of their cells.

Source: NME.com