Can’t Keep a Good Ho Down

So Hef teared in his shaken-not-stirred verrry dirty martini for a whole week and a half, straightened up his silk jammies, and got another trick to ride his Viagramobile. Bitch boom bye Crystal, it was nice knowing you. Okay, not really.

TMZ says the new toddler in Hef’s playpen is Miss January 2011 Anna Sophia Berglund. What a refreshing departure from his usual bleach blond bimbo with huge fake tittays lineup! And she’s an older woman, 24 days older than Crystal-what-was-her-name. Bravo on growing up, Hef!!

Speaking of side pieces, thanks so much for all the love today. MK makes this shit look as easy as me on a Saturday night but it’s not!! I didn’t expect so much support. You are the loving jock strap to our limp noodles, and thank you for putting up with this sub-par shit for a week. XOXOXO

Dreamboat Jailed For Six Months!!

The rats of London are aimlessly wandering the streets today, wondering whose ears they will nibble cheese out of in the middle of the morning now that their all-you-can-eat buffet Pete Doherty has been sent to the chokey for six long months! Never mind the rats, whose whiskey veins are alcoholic mosquitoes going to suckle on when they need an always reliable buzz?! And what about the bed bugs who holiday in the pools of grease on Dreamboat’s scalp? The future of London’s entire ecosystem is at stake here!

But a judge didn’t care about that this morning when the gavel was brought down and Dreamy was sentenced to six months. I suppose Dreamy had it coming since he pleaded guilty to cocaine possession last month. The bobbies (just let me call them bobbies, okay) charged Dreamy with holding the bad shit after Robin Whitehead, a filmmaker working with him, died of an overdose in her apartment. Dreamy apparently gave her the shit that pushed her way over the edge. In court this morning, Dreamy said he was sad about her death.

This is the third time Dreamy has been jailed for drug shit.

Well, the least thing prison officials can do is to provide Dreamy with tubes of creamed coffee grounds and alley cat bile to keep his teeth as yellow as the butter lube Paula Deen slathers all over her cream pies. Dreamy without yallaw teefs is like the sun without shine.

via BBC News

Is England Going To Send This Sexy Face Back To Jail?

Here’s the always sexy Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty suffocating the grease-eating pore dwellers on his scalp by wearing an upside down barristers’ wig outside of court in London yesterday. Oh, that Dreamy’s always making a joke out of the British justice system one way or another! The scab crust on my heart was at his home away from the crackhouse yesterday to face charges for cocaine possession in connection with a socialite’s death. Dreamy might’ve given her the 8 ball that took her over the edge. Dreamy bit the guilty bullet and will go back to court on May 20th for sentencing.

The judge let Dreamy know that because his criminal record is messy messy messy, he’s probably going to go to jail for a third time. The accommodations in the chokey are nicer and more luxurious than the ones in Dreamy’s own house (aka a tent made from old coats under a bridge), but he’s not going there. In this day and age, no judge is going to put that precious face behind bars. Thanks to the royal wedding, all eyes are on England. They want to parade their prized beauties in front of the world, so he’s not going anywhere.

And never mind that the wig on Dreamy’s head looks better than Brit Brit’s weave, he really isn’t right for taking that shit. That’s a health violation on every level. I’m sure the barrister put that wig back on her head before going back inside. Mutant lice are now running rampant all over the court house and they’ll have to shut that shit down for fumigation for MONTHS! Wait. Maybe that was all part of Dreamy’s plan after all. Naw. He just wanted to give everyone a quick tingle by accentuating his succulent jowls with that blonde wig.

Like A Fresh Daisy In The Early Morning Mist

Or you can also look at this picture as “Gollum getting high on his own farts while his fellow passenger quickly learns how to breathe through her asshole.” In case you couldn’t already tell from your nose hairs curling up and your carbon monoxide detector screaming for mercy, this is Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty steaming up a car with his lady friend in London. If the driver wasn’t hospitalized for a collapsed lung then he must be made of bionic parts.

Being in that car was probably like being trapped in a well-insulated tent with an elephant who just ate a pool full of curry and the only thing in there for you to cover your nose with is Ke$ha’s armpit. Fucking one of your nose holes with a skunk’s used tampon is a more pleasant experience than sitting in that car with Dreamy. This is exactly what you see when you put a microscope up to one of your wet fart bubbles.

That said, I still would over and over again. Don’t act like rolling around on a Slip ‘N Slide covered with ass sweat doesn’t sound like a good time. Afterward, you’d have to shave your hair, marinate in a bath of piping hot Febreze and get a priest to exorcise the stank from your pores, but it’d still be worth it!

Dreamboat & A Glass of Beer: A Love Story

Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty took a well-deserved break from shooting the movie “Confession D’Un Enfant Du Siecle” in Paris, France to spend time with his forever soulmate, a beautiful and delicious glass of sweet nectar. Have you ever seen a love so pure and true before? You can almost see a heart frame of foamy hearts around them. Aphrodite is like, “This is what I’ve been going on about!”

The two were in their own private world as Dreamy’s new love whispered sweet nothings into his ear after he gently kissed it on the lips. Dreamy’s hair fleas were so touched that they played Für Elise on each other’s legs.

You know something is really in real love with you when it starts foaming at the mouth. Or maybe that glass of beer caught rabies from Dreamy.

Sexy & Succulent

No, this is not a picture of Joyce DeWitt after another drunken night of debauchery at the Regal Beagle. In case you couldn’t tell from the puss that has pushed itself out of your zit hole and is now splattered across your monitor, this is Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty looking as swole as a pregnant lady’s foot at the launch of his new exclusive line of luxury joo-ree in London tonight.

Just in time for Hanukkah! And just in time for flu season too since you will need a shot of something germ-killing before you slip up on one of Dreamy’s trinkets. It’s a good thing I get my CDC-mandated shots at the top of every month, because one of Dreamy’s necklaces will be on my Christmas wish list this year! Wait. You can get that shit at Claire’s, right?